Will Blog For Food!

I fly to the East Coast Friday with my buddy Randy - Phillies, Orioles and Nationals games. Barack and Michelle want us to stop by but I told them it depends on how things go. Today I heard on the news that there was what they suspect to be a "terrorist dry-run" whereby a couple of guys took bomb-type materials on a flight from Chicago to where I'm going in a couple of days just to see if they could do it. I am happy that our government is aware and knew about it but it will probably slow down airport security. Additionally, there is some windbag named Earl that may cause problems for us too. Hurricane Earl is expected to announce his presence with authority up and down the eastern seaboard. Sounds like quite a bit of blog potential over the weekend...tell your friends to get their subscriptions in to Matt In The Middle before this thing takes off (pun intended).

Now that I'm a supervisor at my part-time job I am walking a lot more. I always have Roz in my pocket, as you know, and Tuesday night I clocked about 11,000 steps. Of course, I worked out today and did 20 miles on the bike but most of the steps were at work. The workout was tolerable again today (more Schindler) so, though I am excited about heading East, I worry that I will take three steps back workout-wise again. It builds back up quickly but I'm just sayin'.

I went to Super Wal-Mart in the MIDDLE of the cornfield (DeKalb) Tuesday. There has been these guys, only one at a time, standing by the stop light as you exit holding signs begging for money. I know people fall on hard times but I have always been skeptical of people who resort to this tactic. I have heard before that there are some people who do this and make more money than you and I...and no income taxes. The signs they have range from: "unemployed" to "laid-off" to "disabled" to "selling candy - need work" (if you give him money he'll give you a sucker...probably a dum dum). I feel badly for people who may really need to resort to something like this but there's someone there all the time. I am sure they are getting their 40 hours a week in at that corner and they all share the money.

I heard about some weird college courses being offered. Montclaire College offers a course called "How to watch TV." and University of California - Berkeley has a class called "How to argue with Judge Judy." I majored in Radio-Television in college and we didn't have courses this ridiculous. I could teach these two classes. Man, I could start my own university. I would add classes like: "DVR Management" and "Signal Splitting" and "Banana Splits Philosophy" and "Early Norville Rogers History" (look up Norville Rogers...you know you want to). I would have an excellent curriculum. Maybe I could hold classes by the DeKalb Super Wal-Mart.

The word "conservatism" doesn't seem right to me (well I guess it is right, as in wing, but I mean the word doesn't seem correct). Why isn't it "conservativism?" It's not "liberism" it's "liberalism." This has always bothered me. Maybe I will meet up with Barack just to discuss this.

Okay round two of plasma donation early Wednesday morning. The arm that I donated from Monday doesn't even have a bruise...just a little tiny, itsy-bitsy, itty bitty, teeney weenie red dot. I am going to make them use my left arm this time so I can work on my novel with my right hand while I pump with the left. Have a good Wetsday (isn't it supposed to rain?). I'll blog you again for Thursday...don't do anything I'd wanna watch. TTFN.

** hurricane earl seaborded from nj.com & will work for food ad soup-kitchened from iowahawk.typepad.com **

Hey Hey Hey It's Phat Plasmert!

Monday was plasma day. It was my first time giving plasma so the appointment took about two hours because it included a physical and medical review. If you have given blood it is pretty similar but the needle is bigger. The needle is probably about the size of the inside of a ballpoint pen (the part that contains the ink). I have always been told that I have veins like ropes and it was confirmed again today so maybe it's easier for me because I have big veins. I guess you have to have large veins when you're all heart AND a heartthrob. Anyway, after the physical stuff (blood pressure, weight, testing your blood via the finger pricking and asking you dozens of questions) they take you over and poke you and hook you up to the machine. You constantly make and release fists to pump the blood. When the cuff around your bicep releases you stop making fists as the blood is pumped back in to your veins. It feels kind of weird to have the blood go back in but not bad. Then the cuff pumps back up and the blood starts pumping again and you make fists again. Once you have the plasma bag full they come get the bag and pump saline through the hoses and into your veins. That was a little uncomfortable and it makes you really cold. She warned me it would be cold. They pump 70-something degree saline into your 98.6 veins and it cools you right off. And that's it. I go again on Wednesday and it should only take 45 minutes to an hour because I'm in the system and you only have to do one physical a year. All that and you get $20 every time you do it on a debit card they give you; $160+ tax-free a month for listening to your i-Pod or reading. You can do it up to twice within a seven-day period. No, money isn't that bad in the Helser household...I am just one of those bleeding hearts that likes to help...or bleeding veins I guess is more accurate. Is this what they men by blood money? I suppose this is just another step in my transformation to total hippitude or beatnikdom.

I posted some photos of me when I was Fat Mattbert on my Facebook page. I added a "Fat Matt" Photo album. It's kind of embarrassing that I was that huge but maybe it will show people that you really can lose a lot of weight simply with diet and excercise. I shouldn't say "simply" because it was hard at times but it's worth it every day. I feel better physically and mentally. I honestly think you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. You really have to commit though - I was on diet after diet after diet until I found the right combination of excercise and diet (Weight-Watchers on-line) that worked for me.

I have to write that check for the second half of the property taxes this week. I actually like writing the $3,400 check because it means that: we have a nice house to live in and we have money to pay our taxes. Next year we are going to petition to have our taxes lowered with all of the property values going down due to the failing economy and all the people losing their homes. $6,800 seems like a lot of money for taxes when you live in the MIDDLE of nowhere. Quite a few people have already had their property taxes lowered in our subdivision which will make it easier for us. So this year we will have ours lowered and help the next family get theirs lowered.

Have you seen the ads for the new movie coming out, Machete? The ads say "rated R for bloody violence throughout, language, some sexual content and nudity." Now, if they added "by Jessica Alba" after "nudity" I would go see it but they don't say that even though she's in the film. Is this a new requirement that they say why it's rated as it is or is this a marketing tool to get people who like bloody violent throughout... to go see the movie? I couldn't help but laugh when I cut and pasted the Machete photo here.

Somebody won the big Illinois Mega Millions jackpot Friday and it wasn't me but I will continue to play the same numbers still until I win. So, if I win Tuesday I will only win $12,000,000. I guess that would have to do. Are you kidding? I get excited if I win a stupid radio call-in contest for a $5 restaurant gift certificate. I could but 2,400,000 $5 gift certificates...that's more!

Spend Tuesday thinking about how you want to make your life better and start working toward that goal. Call in and set up an appointment for Wednesday morning at 8:00 to donate plasma and we can lie next to each other and pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pump our blood. I have to work another volleyball game Tuesday night but I promise I will still be there Wednesday morning for our date! Blog to ya again tomorrow. TTFN...MITM.

** plasma graphic ventricled from pennmedicine.org and machete photo cut from moviecarpet.com **

It's not a Toomah!

During my workout Sunday I finished watching Minority Report and started watching Schindler's List. I don't know if the 20 mile bike and 600 sit-up workout plus weights today was easier because I am back in the swing of things or it was easier compared to the Jewish people being forced to leave their homes. If it was because of the movie then the workout will be really easy Tuesday compared to what the people in the film will have to endure next.

Sugar Momma said she saw a recreational vehicle-type of train car/R.V. traveling at a high rate of speed on the train tracks. I told her to search for it on the internet and I would blog about it. She says she searched for a couple of hours and couldn't find anything. Supposedly there was a web address on the train but she didn't get the address. It seems like a logistical nightmare to me to have people be able to rent a personal RV on the rail though in theory it sounds fun. Maybe it was a UFO disguising itself as an RV and/or a train. If anybody knows of something like this let me know so I can take Sugar Momma off my list of people that I have to sleep with one eye open around.

I have received a request to put a photo of me on the blog or my Facebook page of when I was fat. I will have to find some but if you've ever been heavy you know that you try to avoid the camera at all costs. I always tried to be the one holding the camera so I was safely out of the line of sight. I know there are some and I will scan them in the next few days and let you know when they are up and where I posted them.

What is it about being a Middle-aged person (maybe just men?) that makes us have to trim out nose and ear hairs? Those trimmers tickle.

Did you hear that Toyota is coming out with a devise to make the Prius louder so people can hear it approaching? You can purchase the speaker for about $150 and install it under the hood so pedestrians can get out of the way. It emits a whirring sound and can be purchased starting today (Monday August 30th) in Japan. After the car-maker sees how gullible the Japanese are they may decide to sell it to the usually more-gullible Americans. Do you think this was the plan all along? To make the car very quiet and then get stories out there about how people were getting hit by the cars because they were too quiet and then selling this devise? Going forward are they going to make the noise an option? Save the money and just buy a better stereo system and crank the tune-age. Maybe they should sell driving lessons to the owners so they just don't hit pedestrians.

Even though I am still working on my screen play I am now writing a novel as well. The novel is still in the character development stage but it is certain to be a best-seller.

I have a tremendous headache - it might be a tumor...it's not a toomah! Are you clicking on the hyperlinks like that one right there that's blue and underlined? Maybe some people don't know that they're there so I mention it now. It's something pretty new that I have been doing and they're usually very short (TWSS) so if you have the time click them for a little extra bloggertainment.

Alright I'm off to drink plenty more water and get a well-balanced meal high in protein before I get de-plasmatized. Have a Monday worth bragging about. Carpe de Monday! I'll blog you later with my flatter, clearer screen (plasma humor...gotta love it). Later Schwarzenegger! Toodles!

** railcar derailed from grassrootsmotorsports.com & prius stealthed away from priuschat.com **

Let The Plasma Recycling Commence!

Well, I finally quit Weight-Watchers on-line. I had been a member for over a year and it helped me figure out what I should eat and how I can figure out the nutritional values of foods but I have out-grown it. I can figure everything I need on my own now and I no longer need the accountability. I can track my own weight a lot cheaper. I am accountable to myself now so I may as well save the $17 a month. If I get into a bind again I will just rejoin. This blog helps too because I don't want to tell you that I had to have GOODYEAR re-tattooed on my stomach so thank you. Remember when we were kids and it was really cool to see the Goodyear Blimp? Now everybody has a blimp but I think I would wax nostalgic if I saw the Goodyear Blimp flying overhead...no offense Snoopy.

Sunday is our fantasy football draft. I really don't need to go even though I have the number one draft pick. I was commissioner last year but I quit that because it's a lot of work with no benefit other than grief which, of course, is no benefit to me. We are a dynasty/keeper league and I decided to keep ALL of my guys. The other teams dropped quite a few. It's kind of confusing but whoever drops the most players gets to pick and all the dropped player spots have to be filled before the regular draft begins. My number one draft pick would be like the number 45 pick over-all and I drafted so well last year that I may as well just keep all of my guys and make trades and acquisitions during the season if needed. I will still get to see a lot of friends, most of them former co-workers, that I haven't seen in awhile.

I have been working on a free-style beat box and will create a YouTube video if I decide that I have the guts to get rid of the last bit of pride I have left...more news may or may not be coming on this.

Monday is Plasma donation day; I'm kind of excited. I have to drink plenty of water starting Sunday which is never a problem for me and I need to have a well-balanced meal with plenty of protein within one hour of my appointment Monday morning. I like to help and whether it's true or not I have it in my head that donating plasma will help cure somebody of something or help them develop a cure for a major disease so I will recycle my plasma...reduce, reuse, recycle because three is a magic number, yes it is, it's a magic number.

Friday I'm leavin' on a jet plane... I'm sure I'll be back again but if not I imagine there will be blogging where I am headed.

Sugar Momma told me by the fire (not the Chef from Southpark fire but the real fire in our backyard Saturday night) that Paris Hilton was arrested for possession of cocaine or something in Las Vegas. Las Vegas police stopped her when they smelled marijuana wafting from her SUV. That makes sense - Lindsay Lohan gets out on her shortened sentence so I guess we need another young starlet to start her sentence that will be reduced, reused, recycled. We will hear the stories for the next few days about how she will have to serve a full sentence this time and she will cry on television and say she is sorry and it was a mistake and it wasn't hers and we will have to watch what she does every day until her trial but she will, in the end, get out before she is supposed to because she is special because she is famous for being famous. Bitter...party of one, your table is ready.

I hope you slept in and you're reading this Sunday afternoon. Let me know if you need some plasma before I give it all away because I'd rather give it to you. I'll blog you one more time before I de-plasmacize while I'm drinking plenty of water and having a well-balanced high protein meal. Blog you later Earth's equator. TTFN.

** goodyear blimp photo launched from mortgagemobile.com, fantasy football graphic drafted from jerseytees.com, reduce, reuse, recycle graphic reused and recycled from tintworks.net & paris hilton photo released early from freewebs.com **

I'm Ready For My Close-Up Mr. DeMille!

I worked my first official shift as a supervisor at my part-time job at a volleyball tournament Friday night. Saturday morning there are more volleyball games so I get to work again at 8:00 AM. The best things about being a supervisor are: I get more hours, I get paid more and I look better in sea foam/teal/aqua than I do in orange and I look fabulous in orange. I feel like I am starting my life all over getting excited about being promoted to assistant manager of the Tinder Box or Kay-Bee Toys or Hickory Farms or something at a mall. Don’t get the wrong impression, I enjoy this job very much - probably close to as much as when I worked at Zanies Comedy Club...I was born to work in the entertainment industry I guess. Those who can entertain those who can’t work for the venue. I need to find a full-time job though. I used to just look for work and keep quiet about it because I guess I was embarrassed about being unemployed for the first time in 30 years but embarrassment fades when you realize that you’re not alone I guess. Does anybody need a blogger?

My 1 hour and 37 minute workout Friday before I went to work was brought to you by Tom Cruise in Minority Report. I did the 20 miles on the bike and the 600 sit-ups again...easier with repetition. Keep moving America. Moving targets are harder to hit.

I heard that golfer Jim Furyk over-slept and missed his tee time and was disqualified from the tournament. I am so paranoid when I have something really important to do that I set two alarm clocks, my i-Pod alarm and my cell phone alarm. Furyk said he set his cellphone alarm and the phone’s battery went dead in the night. He must have had Cosmo Kramer as his back-up plan.

I think pornographic films should be called lotion pictures.

I had some Grape Nuts yesterday and I just put a little hot water on it to soften the nuts and then put Splenda on it. I think I use Splenda rather than Sweet N Low or Equal because I try not to be sexist about my artificial sweetener. I don't want the blue packet and I don't want the pink packet so I go with the yellow packet. It's like decorating the baby's room or buying a baby shower gift before it's born without knowing the gender. Go Yellow!

There was a pick-up truck driving through our neighborhood Thursday night and Friday morning. It had the back-end full of junk like a bicycle and a laundry dryer... I figured out that they were driving the night before and the morning of garbage pick-up either to get scrap or pick through people's garbage so they could have a garage sale or a new bike and dryer. Is that what it's coming to? I think if it happens again next week I will ask them to stay out of our cul-de-sac although they are in and out very quickly.

Hope you have a nice Saturday. If you're bored I know where there's a lot of volleyball and a dude in a sexy sea foam supervisor's shirt. I'll blog you again to wish you a happy Sunday.

** entertainment graphic tap-danced from entertainmentindustrynetwork.com, sweetener photo nutra-stolen from proteinpower.com & sandford and son photo scrapped from tv-intros.com **

We're as Doomed As Doomed Can Be!

Howdy, Howdy, Howdy! Be warned...this is not one of my more cheery blogs but life isn't all incense, wine and candles. As is life so is the blog!

I spent 2 1/2 hours Thursday waiting to take and taking an employment test. I waited about 1 1/2 hours in a lobby for my turn and then about an hour taking the test. They will call me if a human actually wants to speak with me. While I was there there were about ten people of so waiting and taking the test. They only had two computers and this is a global company. Sitting in the "waiting room" I saw one person I knew and we talked but I don't think he knew who I was since I am about 67% the man I used to be when he knew me and I don't have to have facial hair to hide double chins anymore. He was one of the biggest builders in DeKalb and now he's here with me applying for a warehouse position. I had worked in construction management for over 15 years and he had been in the industry longer than I had. I got to talking to another guy while we were sitting there and he was a larger custom home builder too. Between 2008 and 2009 he lost over $750,000 that he will never get back. He said he is living in one of his model homes now because he knows it will never sell for what he has in it. He was a bit older than me and though I felt that I was not alone speaking with these two guys it sure did bum me out. Firstly, that I am looking for a warehouse worker position (that's what I did while I was in high school before "wasting" four years in college) and secondly, that all of of us MIDDLE-age construction management-types are competing with twenty-somethings for jobs we are WAY over-qualified for. If I tried to get this same position somewhere else I would lose money driving to the job so if I am going to get a job like this I have to stay close to home.

While brushing my teeth Thursday morning I wondered to myself - "self, why is toothpaste sweetened?" I came to the conclusion that it is because the manufacturers of toothpaste want us to crave the sweetness so we eat candy and gum and need to brush our teeth with their product or get cavities. Even if we don't we probably will have to buy more expensive products of theirs later on down the decay highway. Smart move dudes and dudettes...creating your own repeat business. Let's switch to baking soda.

I haven't seen it but I heard there is a new television show called Dating In The Dark. I went to ABC's site and found that the show takes three guys and three girls and puts them in a house, literally sight unseen. They then let them meet in a dark room with all of the others of the other sex one at a time. They then choose who they want to date and then see each other with the lights on. I thought of other shows that would be fun in the dark - "So, You Think You Can Dance In The Dark," "Wipeout For Sure," "America's Next Top Ugly Model," "Survivor, Deep Space"... Actually, most of the reality shows would be better in total darkness now that I think of it.

I can't stop thinking about our economy and how I don't think we've even hit bottom yet. America always bragged and puffed our chest out about how we were so smart and so powerful and all the while we were paying every other country to manufacture and assemble all of the products that we worked so hard to invent and perfect. Now, these other countries are doing all of our manufacturing and telephone customer service and assembly while we are a slow sinking ship. I feel we are like The Titanic in many ways. We know we are going down but there's no help that will reach us in time. A lot of the women have left the ship via the lifeboats in that a lot of them have kept their jobs because they were getting screwed for years with lower wages so now some of our families can go on (financially). We were heading right for the iceberg and our captain (government) saw it coming but figured we would bounce off and skip right past it but he (they) didn't realize that it was larger beneath the surface. I feel like I am a member of the band...playing on. Let's hope the Carpathia arrives soon to rescue us. When I searched for graphics here I see I wasn't the first one to make this comparison though I think my reasons are different than the graphics.

As my source in Hawaii, my brother Marc, told me and I passed along to you a couple of months ago right here Hawaii Five-0 is set to start airing on CBS on September 20th. I love Hawaii and I like Scott Caan (one of the stars) so I will give it a couple of episodes and if I like it I'll stay. I hope they have cameos with people like: Dog The Bounty Hunter, my brother, Henry Kopono, Jim Nabors, Tom Selleck, James Caan, me...any women in bikinis (that's a guarantee).

I have a lot more to blog in my notebooks but I already have a lot for tomorrow then because of my rants don't I? Have a fruitastic Friday. Payday...woohoo (get them before we're swimmin' with the fishes). I will blog more cheery tomorrow probably. Blog you later Deidrich Bader! TA!!!

** panduit logo applied for at movilesconextell.com, toothpaste ad moonshined from sofakingdrunk.com, titanic skull capsized from nerdapproval.com & hawaii five-0 badge two-finger discounted from collectiblebadges.com **