Death and Bad News (what else?)

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Well, I checked Tuesday's lottery ticket and not a winner yet. The itching palm didn't mean I was going to win the lottery Tuesday. It probably meant that I was going to win Friday. I'm not sure how the time-table on the itchy palm money pay-out works so I will just collect the winnings on Monday.

Stony Curtis died. They say that celebrities die in threes. Who will be next Ann Margrock? Cary Granite? Ed Sullystone? The Way-outs? Seriously, Tony Curtis passed away. He seemed like a decent fellow. He was a playboy I suppose but that was the way back in those days. Even though he was no Morris Buttermaker he still took the Bad News Bears to Japan...that alone makes him a part of Americana! He was great in The Great Race and Some Like It Hot. For you youngsters...he was Jamie Lee Curtis' dad. I guess that's more for you MIDDLERS too. Okay youngsters...she is the woman who does those Activia ads.

Who and how was it decided that the heart was the part of the body that you "feel" with? Your brain actually does the feeling right? Why isn't it "you're breaking my brain?" or "have an epidermis?" Your skin feels more than your heart too.

I am no longer watching the news. I will listen to it in car between songs but I am tired of hearing all of the negativity the American media is doling out. I swear that by listening to the news you'd think nothing good ever happens. And then they give you these teasers like "the thing you need to know so you can live until morning...coming up right after this break." I know the break is how they make their money but what if I the satellite or cable go out then I may as well kill myself tonight so I don't have to suffer the unspeakable death that awaits me before morning. I know the 24-hour news cycle makes for them to have to dig up stuff to report about but how about something or someone who is doing good? I will probably watch the news from time to time but I don't have to like it. There are some good things on the news but I guarantee it's 20:1 bad to good.

I donated plasma Thursday (hey Thursday without the "T" would be hursday - hearse-day - I want to die on a Thursday now). I took in a coupon so I could get $5 extra for my donation. I had just printed the ad two days ago from Biolife's website and when I got there they pointed out that the ad expired in 2009. I JUST PRINTED IT! They looked at the date that I printed it but then noticed it had an address from Ohio on it. I assumed that was their headquarters or something, Anyway, they wouldn't accept the coupon. No big deal because A) it's on $5 and B) I am not doing it for the money although it is nice getting tax-free money while saving lives. They have the Northern Illinois University newspapers there (The Northern Star) and while I was pumping my fist so they could get my plasma I was reading the Northern Star and there was an ad in Thursday's paper for Biolife Plasma Services. The ad is for new donors or people who haven't donated within the last six weeks. You get $20 for your first donation, $30 for your second donation and $50 for your third donation. Let me know if you are interested because I will give you the ad - that's $40 more than you would normally get. It would be fun to have a plasma buddy! One nice thing about a college newspaper, besides it being free, is that it actually has good news and positive news too; not just negativity in the news. Appreciate the candy-coated news in college...after college it's all acid-coated.

I may get my opportunity to visit Hannibal, Missouri this year after all. It would mean me having to miss out on the Egyptian Theater Haunted Tour though. Another tough choice to make in the MIDDLE. I am leaning toward Hannibal and they have plenty of ghosts there too. Injun Joe probably haunts Hannibal. Jesse James and Mark Twain...they have to be better than some former stagehand named Bob. No offense Bob I'm sure if I saw your ghost it would scare the heck out of me but it's Mark Twain and Jesse James Bob. I worked in your theater a couple of weeks ago and you didn't say as much as boo so I think the rumor of your death (or life after death) may have been an exaggeration. Visit me on October 30th to prove me wrong Bob!

Well, once again the blog turned to death and ghosts. What are the odds? Friday is here, I'm queer, get used to it. Don't tell Sugar Momma about the queer thing she just thinks I'm just flamboyant. Anyway...have a nice Friday I know I'm going to. I'm having breakfast at Grandma's Table (9:00) in Montgomery for you bill collectors, check presenters and/or hitmen (and hitwomen) who are looking for me. Stop on in for an autograph and a cup of joe. If not that's cool too. Blog you next time...same Matt channel...same Matt time! TTTT...MITM

The Lactose Intolerant Milkmaid

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Well we didn't go to the advanced showing of Waiting For Superman Wednesday night. Sugar Momma hasn't been sleeping well the last couple of nights so we didn't go so she could get her sleep. She has been up all night the last couple of nights coughing. I think she is having a problem with dairy consumption. She drinks A LOT of milk. The rest of us have about zero other that a little cheese. I am a total Milk Dud. She did not have any dairy at all Wednesday on Matt In The Middle's advise so we'll see how she does. Remember I told you she was the farmer's daughter? I don't know if I told you that she was the DAIRY farmer's daughter. Wouldn't that be ironic if she had dairy problems. We found out when Splenda was a baby that she had dairy problems so I wouldn't be surprised though Sugar Momma is a dairy-aholic.

Saturday night I have a chance to go to the yearly Egyptian Theater Haunted Tour from 11PM - 3AM. This year does seem to have a running theme of ghosts and cemeteries with me so maybe I should go. I do need to get some experience for October 30th's seance.

Boston Blackies restaurant in the MIDDLEwest (the Chicagoland area to be precise) is closing several restaurants. The owners were arrested on charges of check-kiting. They allegedly wrote checks from bank accounts that didn't have enough money and deposited those checks at Charter One and Washington Mutual. They then withdrew money from their Charter One and Washington Mutual accounts before the checks actually cleared, or in some cases stopped payments on the checks. Boston Blackie was fictional character from the early 1900's that statred out as a safe-cracker and a jewel thief. I am no McRuff but did anyone expect them to be on the up-and-up? Compared to jewel theft and safe-crackery writing bad checks is child's play.

I still didn't check my lottery numbers from Tuesday night so I am livin' large because I am sure that I won.

Today, while I was paying bills with my lottery winnings that I know are there, I watched a documentary on Netflix called "Capitalism: A Love Story" which hit theaters just about one year ago. It's a Michael Moore movie about, wait for it, wait for it...capitalism. I like Michael Moore's films. I know they are slanted toward his point of view but I like how he confronts people who, most of the time, deserve to be confronted. I usually agree with a lot of what he says but, if nothing else, his films are food for thought and start the conversation process and open blogalog (that's blog dialog). This film was recommended to me by my friends Eric and Beefy. Like me, they were both out of work (rated R) for some time and maybe we feel that Michael Moore is fighting for us on this one. I know he is a bazillionaire but at least he is trying to help. This film reminded me of my friend (whose name rhymes with schpreg fleinschnorf) who when we were in college back in the early 1980's turned in a paper in school and one of the instructors pointed out to him that he didn't capitalize his name. "schpreg" looked at the professor and said, "that's because I don't believe in capitalism." I have remembered that for over twenty years and I fell in love with you that day "schpreg." Is it wrong? I don't think so. You knew about the economic down-turn over twenty years before it occurred nostradamus (not capitalized).

Speaking of capitalism I thought of another great idea today. This time for a business I can start and when I get a real job again I can still do this job too. Additionally, related to the new business I am going to start in early 2011, I have another book to write. 2011 and 2012 are going to be very busy years in the MIDDLE.

Let me know if you want to go to the Egyptian Theater Haunted Tour Saturday night/ Sunday morning. Click the blue highlighted link above for details. Thirsday is here...Thirsty Thursday does not mean milk...milk is for baby cows Sugar Momma. You are a people! Wine and margaritas and rum are for people; we have evolved. Have a nice Thursday...only one more day until Friday. The palm of my left hand just started itching does that mean anything other that my palm itches? TTTT...MITM!

I'm On The Blog To Nowhere!

maestro cue the music

Dear Diary:

I can tell it’s the end of the month again. Mattstruation is in full swing with a heavy-flow day. You cannot convince me that women are the only ones that have the monthly crabbiness. It’s the end of the month (my 28 days) and I am super crabby again. Check past blogs around the ends of the months and more times than not you will see that I was crabby. I tried all day Tuesday to find something that would make me feel less worthless but I couldn’t. I think next month I am going to actually try Midol.

While I was driving Wednesday afternoon I had an odd thing happen. A heavy-set African-American woman with glasses wearing a brown shirt was running across the busy road with a silly smile on her face. About 1/8th of a mile down the road a heavy-set Africa-American girl wearing a brown shirt and glasses was running across the street with a weird smile on her face then about 1/8th of a mile down the road a brown shirt-wearing larger African-American girl was wearing glasses and running across the street with a funny smile on her face. all three of them were going from East to West. Was I trapped in the human version of Frogger or has my life become an endless loop? It was the weirdest thing. I don’t know why one person would cross busy Route 23 but then to have three people who looked very similar doing it within 3/8ths of a mile? Twilight Zone Frogger episode.

I don't know if I won the lottery yet Tuesday but I'm sure I did. I've been playing the same numbers for about 20 or 30 games now so I have to have won by now right? I know I have won until I check the numbers so I'll stay in a good mood and check them later.

We got our tickets for the advanced screening of Waiting For Superman. The only rub is that it’s in Evanston, IL. That’s two days by wagon from DeKalb. Now we have to decide if we want to see an advanced screening just because it’s an advanced screening or we just want to wait until it makes it’s way way out west to the sticks, the boonies, the back forty, the far side of the world, the land that time forgot, the end of the trail, the road to nowhere, no man’s land, the MIDDLE of nowhere...you get the idea. (I have always liked Talking Heads but I am finding by my YouTube hyperlinks that I must like them more than I knew consciously). I REALLY want to see Waiting For Superman but the logistics are rough. You’ll have to tune in to the next bloggisode (based on a novel by Sapphire) to see what was decided but I’m open to bloggestions.

I am addicted to Netflix right now. I stay up all night long and in the last three days (nights actually) I have watched: The Red Baron, Mr. Mom, Defiance, Surrgates, Men Who Stare at Goats, Year One (only about two minutes of it), Crank Yankers Season 1 and a couple more I cannot remember. Maybe I'm cranky because I am up all night watching movies. Maybe I should sleep tonight huh? I have been watching them on the Wii and the MAC so I don't have to wait for the USPS; luckily they still deliver all of the pre-approved credit offers. Once those are offered on X-Box and Wii the USPS will be kaput.

Alright on to our Wednesdays. I still have to decide it this hump day my wait for Superman will be over. Evanston may be my Krytonite. Tune in tomorrow and see what happens. Do the Humpty Hump. Blog you later Ralph Nader. TTTT...MITM.

Waiting For Superman

cue the music Roz

My daughter sent me a Facebook message saying that she renamed her i-pod. She renamed it "The Titanic" so when she plugs it in the computer reads "The Titanic is syncing." She definitely is my daughter...sorry for the bad humor gene Sweety maybe there's an operation that can give you a sense of humor transplant or at least a new App.

I went to the store today. before going I always write a list and ask everyone in the hizzie if they need something. I had the list and got to the store and left it in the car. I do a list so I don't forget stuff so maybe I should write "take the list into the store with you" on the list. I went by memory and when I got back to the car I found that I gotten everything that was on the list. I was so proud that I could remember things like a big boy. A YOUNG big boy with a non-MIDDLE memory.

I heard on the news that there was some girls in Chicago planning an acid attack on someone. What's the deal with people throwing acid all over other people lately? I remember hearing about people doing acid in high school but apparently this isn't the same thing. I remember as a real young kid climbing on the furniture and making sure not to touch the floor because it was acid or lava. I guess it was just as bad as I had imagined as I jumped from the couch to the foot stool. Sometime I'd hear people call a foot stool a hassock or a ottoman. Hey isn't that the bus driver on The Simpsons? Otto Man? It would be funny if his last name were Hassock. I have always called it a foot stool. Foot stool seems to be pretty idiot-proof. It spells it right out for you. Maybe footrest would be better; I think I have heard that one too and that is even better than foot stool. Anyway...don't throw acid or lava on people please. I decided not to add a photo here because acid attacks are awful and you can just imagine the worst.

Monday was kind of a lazy day. I sorta felt like I was coming down with something but I think I may have been sleep-deprived from the weekend. I should be all recharged by Tuesday PM. I worked out Monday night so now I am wiped-out again. I am not donating plasma again until Thursday because their schedule is screwed-up so they lose out on the big bucks they are undoubtedly making from my plasma.

I may or may not get to go to an advanced screening of the film Waiting For Superman that I told you about a week or two ago. I really hope I make the grade (pun intended). I want to actually review a movie that hasn't come out yet so it is an actual movie review. It's the documentary I was blogging you about showing how America's educational system is way behind in the World. Some proceeds from the film go to help fix the problem with America's eduction system. No matter what we should all make an effort to see this film. Make a pledge to see this film!

Tuesday is upon us. I told you that Monday would be over before you knew it. This is the Tuesday when I finally win that darn lottery. I know I keep saying that but eventually I have to be right, right? No? If I win this Tuesday I am going to try to arrange for our own Matt In The Middle screening of Waiting For Superman by donating a portion of my winnings to the cause. Maybe by making this pledge someone (Bill Gates or Oprah) will rig it so 1, 2, 12, 14, 22 and mega number 5 are drawn Tuesday night. Keep your stuff crossed. I'll blog you again from the Middle Mattgarita Ranch soon. Until then take your shoes off...y'all come back now y'hear? TTTT...MITM :)

Presenting...Nature Girl!

I'm still pretty tired but I didn't blog last night so I know I had better do it today. I worked a marching band competition at the football stadium that lasted twelve hours. There were 30 high school bands that competed. After that twelve hours were done I went about 1/2 mile to the basketball arena and worked a sorority dance until 4:00 AM; 17 hours on my feet without a break...this supervisor thing is great. Other than my feet killing me by the end it seemed like it was only about five hours. So then I came home to an empty house just before the sun rose. Splenda is at college, Sugar Momma was with her friends in Quincy and Sparky was at a birthday sleep-over. You'd think I would have slept all day but I was up at 9:00 AM because that is my curse; one of them anyway.

One of the nice things about having the ladies out of the house is that we get to leave the toilet seat up. I have always been very good about lowering the seat for the ladies and I have taught Sparky to do the same ever since he has been able to stand. When I am alone or it's just me and junior I leave the seat up,however, converting the toilet into a urinal. When I think about it - why do I have to put the seat down? If I forget just push it down...gravity was invented for just this purpose. I'm just kidding...the argument that "I don't like to get up in the MIDDLE of the night and sit in the toilet bowl" is a pretty compelling argument to me. I want to leave the seat up but I always lower it for you! I have always heard about "penis envy" and couldn't imagine what that REALLY was because I don't believe it is real but if there is one thing that is nice about that extra weight down below it's the joy of being on our feet just a little longer each day.

I have an excellent idea for an invention that I am working on. It would not be wise to say what it is until I have the idea legally protected but I wanted you to be aware that I am working on a great invention that will change millions of peoples' lives every day. I know I could trust you with my idea but there are people who may read this, not current MIDDLERS, that would steal the idea. The reason I even say there is an idea that I am working on so people keep asking me how the "invention" is coming so I continue to work on it so I don't disappoint you. For your diligent assistance my dear Watson, I will make sure you get one of the first ones off of the line! Between this and my book and my movie I should have Mattgarita Mansion In The Middle opened by 2020! You're all invited to The Grotto.

Sugar Momma is back on Mattgarita Island now so the toilet seats are all stowed and in the downright position. She said that the wine festival was nowhere near as good as the one in Starved Rock. I know you might think she is just saying that to make me feel better but she doesn't do that. She tells me like it is. She did have a great time with MADYM and Sue though. Sue needs a blog nickname too. I sometimes call her Seis because when Splenda was very young she couldn't say Sue for some reason and she called her Seis. (I think it was Splenda but if it was Sparky I apologize but it really doesn't make that much difference). Sue is like a combination of Diane Fossey, Caroline Ingalls and Danielle Boone (that's the female Daniel). She's a professional archeologist, a troop leader (son's and daughter's), a naturalist and makes her own everything. She sent us some homemade preserves and persimmon butter with Sugar Momma. I feel like I am an Indian Chief (the former name for Native American Chief for you non-MIDDLERS) deciding on a tribe member's name. From this day forward you shall be known as Nature Girl (woman doesn't flow as well and Nature Girl sounds like a super hero too). If I ever was on Survivor and could pick a partner to go with me (besides Splenda, of course) it would be Nature Girl! Now go out and pick us something to smoke in the peace pipe to celebrate and consummate this great honor that has been bestowed on you! I would do it myself but poison ivy of the lungs and tongue would probably be very painful.

The new chapter in the plasma donation saga is that they are making it difficult to schedule upcoming appointments. They had a website that I was using to make my appointments every Tuesday and Thursday. They added a new website called their "Easy Scheduler" that makes scheduling almost impossible. I have emailed them about it but doubt that I will ever hear from them. I think I may stop by the plasma center and talk to them Monday morning and if it is still difficult I will quit donating. I am certainly not doing it for me other than it makes me feel better to help people. I can help people other ways so if you have ideas for a bleeding-heart that wants to help let me know; beginning Monday I may have a couple of hours a week that will open up for volunteer work, I'll let you know.

Sorry to be the one to remind you of Monday...tell you why... Just think happy thoughts. Just focus on the fact that there will be another blog tomorrow and Monday will already be behind you. Your life, including today, is what you make it and what you want it to be so make it the best. I'll blog you again tomorrow. TTTT...MITM

Our Hizzie in the MIDDLE of the Strizzie!

cue the sugar momma out of town music. Is she mad? It's sheer Mattness here without her. Our Hizzie, in the MIDDLE of the Strizzie!

Sugar Momma is in beautiful Quincy, Illinois. She is there with Sue and Madym for a wine tasting festival dealy. I wanted to go too but the three of them would have worn me out. She left Sparky and I home alone but she knows we are boring and won't get into too much trouble. Sparky finally saved up enough money to add X-Box 360 to his arcade so he has pretty much been playing that non-stop. Yesterday he even got up and showered about a half-an-hour early before school so he could play. He's usually playing Batman Arkham Asylum 3-D but right now I hear the Arizona Cardinals playing the Atlanta Falcons in there.

Coming up next on Matt In The Middle... Don't you hate how television shows go into commercials telling you what's coming up next? Why don't you give us five more minutes of show and quit telling us what's coming up next?

This past week a new show began on ABC called Better With You. I missed it but it replayed Friday night and since I am such a party guy I DVR'd it and watched it. Sugar Momma said just about everything I am going to type now but I am in total agreement with her so I will give her collaborative credit for this - the show has some funny moments and will probably be good eventually but they are focusing too much on current topics like the economy... They also use a laugh-track which Sugar Momma and I both hate because we feel we are smart enough to figure out what is funny to us and are distracted when the laugh-track "goes off" when it's not funny. We will give it another chance as new series have to establish characters...but they better straighten it out quickly or adios! Those critiques were all pretty much all Sugar Momma's and I agree completely! Actually this blogisode of Matt In The Middle is pretty lame right so far so.....

Saturday I have to (I mean get to) work off and on for fifteen hours at two different events. Figures the weekend the Mouse is away the Matt can't play. Nice strategy Miss Thang! Over half of that time will be at time-and-a-half so I don't mind so much.

Alright that's enough blog for today. I came unprepared like I used to do in Philosophy class in college. Ask Sugar Momma about the college philosophy class we had together. It's one of her favorite stories to tell. So, now I shall end this blog. Coming up in tomorrow's blog. I don't know what time tomorrow's blog will be posted but attendance usually goes down over the weekends anyway. It will probably be sometime early Sunday morning. I guarantee it will be a better blog tomorrow. One of the events I am working Saturday is where Roz and I learned the Ricky Bobby. Yes, I can DO the Ricky Bobby so you'd better learn it to earn it. You'd better read tomorrow's blog to find out what's super crunk this year. TTTT...MITM! Peace and Love!!!!

Eating My Curds and Whey!

cue the theme music

Well, I solved my workout dilemma for this week. I worked out Thursday night which technically was two days in a row but it was late so it was kinda like working out Friday so I can deplasmify Friday morning.

In an effort to get my protein level in check I bought some whey protein today. It was partially due to the suggestion of my pal Stacee. I thought maybe I could be Little Matt Muffett and mix it with some cottage cheese so I would be eating my curds and whey but when I got home and took this photo I realized that I had bought the chocolate-flavored whey protein. I will use the whey about an hour before I go to donate plasma on Friday and I may actually try chocolate whey with cottage cheese. someone had to be the first person to try fruit with cottage cheese or pepper on cottage cheese so maybe I will be the first person to try chocolate whey cottage cheese. I loved Koogle peanut butter so who knows? I got the Jillian Michaels whey protein. I have never watched The Biggest Loser but I know of her and have seen her and I think she totally rocks. she's like an amalgam of a bunch of my friends...you are probably one of them so guess what? You totally rock!

Thursday felt more like WINDSday in the MIDDLEwest this week. Was it windy or what? That's okay because it made the day of hot weather bearable.

There's a lot of talk about several members of President Obama's staff coming back to the MIDDLEwest to run &/or help campaign for Mayor of Chicago. It made me start thinking. Why do we need to have the white House in Washington D.C.? It made a lot of sense when Washington and Adams and Jefferson were still here and the country only had thirteen colonies but wouldn't it make more sense to have our nation's capital in the heart of the nation? Chicago would be good: it almost has the same crime rate that Washington D.C. has. somewhere in the MIDDLE just makes sense to me. Less travel for the rest of the country, probably safer from attack since it's not near either coast. Let me make the motion to move our national capital to the MIDDLE of the country.

While I am on the subject of politics, sort of...I have been seeing a lot of political ads lately with October being right around the corner. Do all of these negative political ads really work? Most of the time I don't know who the candidate is but I know who their opponent is and that I shouldn't vote for them. BUT...I know their name and when I pull that curtain closed I will not remember that they were supposedly bad but I will recognize their name. Sometimes I may even vote for them because the other person was a jerk and slung mud. Whatever happened to the good ole days when we knew what a candidate stood for and what their qualifications were? I don't talk politics too often. I believe the old theory that it's not wise to talk politics or religion. As you might guess, I have strong views on both topics but I try to keep them to myself. If you want to talk I will listen and may interject a little but chances are you are not going to change my views on either and I will probably not change your views. I am open-minded enough to consider your views but I find that with regards to these topics I am generally in the minority in being open-minded so, though my mind is open about these subjects, my mouth usually isn't.

I have a problem with not wanting to be late. I guess it isn't a problem because if it's just me I am rarely late. In fact I am almost always early wherever I go. Sometimes I will sit in the car for ten or fifteen minutes in a parking lot or down the street somewhere so I am not late. This hatred of being late makes me hurry all the time though. I am hurrying even when I am way ahead of schedule. I guess there are worse traits to have. But I digress (I just felt like saying that).

Friday is here so come on get happy. Have a great day and remember don't feed the Mattimals. I'll blog you again later master debater (staying with the political theme). TTTT.MITM!

My Heart Will Go On!

cue today's music... and let's shove off...

I am a little salty this morning (TWSS). I went to my scheduled appointment do donate plasma this morning at 7:30. I scanned my finger (fingerprint recognition) and it said that I was not eligible to donate and someone would be with me in a moment. What's wrong? Was it due to the blood-spurting incident? Did it have to do with my borderline protein level two donations ago? Am I too sexy again (this one happens to me quite frequently)? So, I waited and then spoke with the ladies behind the counter who asked, "when did you donate last week?" I said "I donated Tuesday and Friday and again Tuesday this week." I usually do Tuesdays and Thursdays but changed last week so I could donate my screwing time to the United Way Day of Caring. Apparently no good deed goes unpunished as the adage goes because now that I did Tuesday/Friday that is my new weekly schedule. If I want to switch I have to skip my second donation this week and start again with Tuesday/Thursday next week. I scheduled for tomorrow but I have to think about it. If I do Tuesday/Friday it will mess up my workouts because then there isn't a break between each plasma donation day. You're not supposed to do any heavy lifting after you donate and I don't think I would be too motivated to workout before my plasma donations at 4:30 in the morning. Blogging it here has made me think about it so thanks, as always, for indulging me and helping me to figure out my messes. Choices are: quit donating plasma all together, skip tomorrow and get back on Tuesday/Thursday donations so workouts would work, donate plasma Tuesday/Friday and figure the every-other day workouts with one day being a REALLY early work-out day, quit working out (not an option)...or think of other solution. Darned Day of Caring...A pox on me for caring but if I get a pox and quite donating plasma there may not be a cure for my pox...damn it all to helser!

There were three totally separate Trojan Horse references in my day yesterday. I know I will figure out the significance sooner or later. At least my mind will figure out some lame attempt to tell me there is a link with something. I had a vasectomy like ten years ago or so so that's not the reference...Trojan Man!!! I have so many "blue" references running through my mind but I don't need to work blue...I'm too good for that. Actually I work blue a lot for shock-value but that's not what this blog is about though I'm not entirely sure what this blog is about other than to entertain you and to get things off of my chest (TWSS).

Did you hear there's a new theory as to why the Titanic struck the iceberg? Supposedly there is a relative of one of the ship's crew that wrote a book saying that the cause was a steering problem. There was an order to turn aport but the ship was turned starboard causing the ship to hit the iceberg. The Titanic may have still hit the iceberg but not as directly so she wouldn't have sunken so quickly making it possible for the Carpathia to reach her in time and maybe save everyone on-board. Very coincidental timing when Sugar Momma is heading down to Hannibal/Quincy for this weekend's wine-tasting. And you ask, "how in the heck can Sugar Momma and her friends' (my friends too) weekend in the MIDDLE of America have any tie-in to the Titanic sinking?" Being a student of the town of Hannibal and all things Mark Twain I happen to know that Margaret Brown is from Hannibal Missouri. "Who is Margaret Brown?" you may ask. Margaret Brown was known as Molly Brown and came to be best-known by her nickname The Un-sinkable Molly Brown. She was one of the first women to ever run for public office; she ran for the Senate eight years before women even had the right to vote in America. She survived the Titanic disaster, which is how she got her nickname, and went on to start which was probably one of the first relief funds in American history to help families who lost loved-ones to the Titanic's sinking. You may remember that she was played by Kathy Bates in the film Titanic. I believe she also survived another ship sinking too but I am not sure of that. A truly great person in history. Things you should know brought to you by Matt In The Middle!

Well, it seems I have blogged on about only two main topics today but it helped me work one thing out and hopefully taught you something about MIDDLE-American history. If you already knew about Molly Brown it's still good to be reminded about the great ones who made a difference. Have a nice what should be plasma-donation day - one of my many weaknesses is not letting things go. Thanks for letting me hug it out. I'll blog you again later because I still have to whittle this green notebook down. TTTT...MITM

It's a Cartoon World!

cue the autumn theme music Happy Autumn!!! It's not fall is autumn...sounds so much classier. Fall sounds negative.

Donating plasma Tuesday went fine. No blood gushing excitement.

When Sugar Momma and I were at the wine tasting in Starved Rock and I ran into two people I knew (I forgot about Dennis from my part-time job) she made some comment about me knowing someone everywhere and it made me think of "savior faire is everywhere." Savoir faire by definition is the ability to say or do the right or graceful thing. I believe I have that although some people refer to it as butt smooching or donkey kissing. I believe it to be more of being smooth and suave. It's the ability to treat people as they would like to be treated. I believe I have savoir faire because I truly care about people (most people) and treat them with respect. Plus I used to like the cartoon Klondike Kat where Savoir Faire used to steal the food and say "Savoir Faire is everywhere" in his little French accent. How many of you MIDDLE-agers remember Klondike Kat?

I was checking things in the fridge today and found that blue cheese can go bad. You would imagine, since it is basically moldy cheese it would have nowhere to go on the "bad" scale but it does. It looked fine but I tasted it and it tasted a bit like gasoline. Premium unleaded gasoline but gasoline nonetheless. Maybe I'll see if it powers the lawnmower.

Did you see the fight between the MIDDLEeastern state mascots. Brutus The Buckeye (Ohio State's mascot) got his butt kicked by Ohio University's mascot Rufus. Brutus was totally blind-sided and obviously didn't want to fight. Seriously what chance would a Buckeye have fighting a Bobcat? It's hard not to find this humorous though it does kind of send a message of violence. However, it was at a football game which also condones violence. It's also kind of like cartoon violence. Roadrunner and Wiley Coyote make this look like child's play. Rufus vs. Brutus - sounds like a good fight on paper. I have a small part me that has a problem with this because I met the person who wears the Victor E. Huskie mascot costume at Northern Illinois University Tuesday night and SHE is a petite young college girl. Maybe Brutus was a girl too and Rufus was some douche that didn't make the football team and wanted to beat up a girl. Can't we all get along mascots?

I finally watched my DVR'd Hawaii Five-O from Monday night. It was really good. Scott Caan looks so much like his father now it's unreal. I think I am going to watch this show weekly. It reminds me a lot of S.W.A.T. from when I was a kid in that it seems more like military than police. Not to mention the fact that it's filmed in paradise with the best scenery on the planet.

I am getting to the end of one of my notebooks. I have like twelve going at any given time because I keep misplacing them. Larry David had a whole episode on it the other night where he lost his notebook. I found it amusing that he keeps a notebook with him all the time for ideas too. I am pretty sure Larry David is basing his character on Curb Your Enthusiasm on me or, more likely, I am just as neurotic as him. Sugar Momma had already seen this episode and specifically asked me if I had. I think she was asking because she she's the insane similarities too. Anyway I am going to have to go through this notebook and figure out what I didn't blog about and see if those topics will make the cut. Then I will autograph it and put it with the others that are finished so they can be auctioned off for charity one day.

Okay Wednesday is here...unemployment call-in day (every other Wednesday). I got a call-back from a radio station regarding a job. I hope I get the job though I would miss the bi-weekly unemployment call-ins. Have a Happy and Heartfelt Humpday. Be nice to someone Wednesday...we need to show the Ohio mascots how civilized members of society behave. I'll blog you again tomorrow...TA!

** savoir faire artwork fort frazzled from jrj-socrates.com, mascot fight photo buckeyed from boston.com & curb you enthusiasm graphic confused from perezsolomon.com **

The Children Really ARE Our Future!

cue theme song...

I am really into protein right now. I never thought by stopping the consumption of meat that I was taking away my main source of protein. Today I had egg whites, peanut butter, tuna, black beans to name a few protein-enriched foods. I am trying to get my protein up for Tuesday morning’s plasma donation. Last week, before the blood bath incident, I was told that if my protein level dropped any lower than it was that day I would be unable to donate. Lives are counting on my plasma here. If you don’t eat your meat you can’t donate any plasma. How can you donate plasma if you don’t eat your meat? Easy, getting my protein elsewhere. I should start eating my curds and whey. Before this whole vegetarian, weight-loss and plasma thing is over I will probably become a registered dietitian and nutritionist. Maybe some kind of guru. I just like the sound of that word.

Is the economy getting better or are the credit card companies just deciding that they need to keep the United States Postal System in business? It doesn’t matter to me one way or another thought I would like the USPS people to keep their jobs. It just seems that all of a sudden we are back to getting 3 - 4 pre-approved credit card offers again. They make great starters for the backyard bonfires. Did you ever notice that good news rarely comes in the mail?

I used to love this time of year when I was a kid. Having a September birthday was the best thing ever. When my birthday fell on a Saturday the new cartoons would start on my birthday. It felt like the networks, only three at the time, would design their entire programming around my birthday.

I have always called the gray area between DeKalb and Sycamore DeKamore. People would always look at me funny but there is a fuzzy line where one becomes the other. I pronounced it Dickamore though, of course. So I was driving out that way the other day and there is a new place opening called DeKamore Dental. I don’t know if I want to go to a dentist anywhere near Dickamore especially called Dekamore Dental.

Today I was doing my Monday housework (call me Hazel or maybe Helsel) Oprah’s show was on. I am not a fan of Oprah’s though I am impressed by her success. I just think she is a little full of herself and a lot annoying. But she had a show on with Bill Gates promoting the film “Waiting for ‘Superman.’” It is a film about our education system and how we are so far behind the rest of the world. Sugar Momma designs and on-line courses for schools and teachers so I DVR’d it for her while I was watching it. It was very disturbing to see how far behind America is educationally. I am looking forward to seeing this movie though it will be a bummer, I’m sure, but good will come of it. Check it out at http://waitingforsuperman.com/. No matter your political affiliation, your gender, your race, your religion, your social status...the educations of our children should be at the top of your list of important issues to be focused on in America. How are we ever going to bounce back as a nation if we don't educate our children? We should have listened to Whitney Houston along time ago before she went crackers and met Bobby Brown.

I am going to wear a dark shirt or better yet red and maybe a pair of pants that I’ve “ingrown” (what’s the opposite of outgrown?) to donate plasma in. I think I’ll take a change of clothes too just in case. I worked out again today and my arm didn’t hurt as much but it did still ache a little...they really did a number on me but I’m no sissy though I play one on blogtv. I will give ‘til it hurts and then I’m so stupid that I’ll give again. They measure my blood’s protein level but that doesn’t measure intelligent quotient obviously.Wish me luck Blood. Have a nice Tuesday. I will try to win the lottery again Tuesday night because I was a failure again Friday. Now it’s back down to like $12 Million. It’s almost not even worth playing for that chump-change. I’ll blog you later Deidrich Bader. TTTT, M!

I'm Sittin' in a Honky in Chicago

cue the theme of the day

Sugar Momma and I went to Starved Rock State Park Sunday afternoon for the 2010 Vintage Illinois @ Starved Rock wine tasting. Starved Rock is a little over an hour south of us but it is a nice drive past dozens of wind turbines and Wild Bill Hickock's birthplace (Troy Grove, Illinois). You didn'tknow he was a MIDDLEwesterner did you? I told you before but your probably forgot. We got down there a little after noon and stayed for a couple of hours tasting wines and meads (I had always wanted to try mead). I may join the Wild Blossom Mead Club. Mead is wine made from honey rather than grapes. It is what Friar Tuck was making in the movie Robin Hood which is coming out on DVD this week (ca-ching for the plug). You can read my Robin Hood movie review over there ----> in the margin by looking at "past blogisodes" and going to March 16, 2010's blog. Anyway, the wine tasting was fun. The tents even reminded me of Robin Hood because they were near the forest and the whole atmosphere was like one of those Renaissance Faires. We saw our friend Shari there amongst the hundreds of people. I don't know if she reads this blog but, "HI SHARI, YOU LOOK GREAT!" It's odd...I seem to know someone wherever I go. I love that! Not that it MATTers because I ignore my parents and talk to strangers anyway.

We met some people from wineries near Southern Illinois University so when Parents' Weekend arrives we know where to go. We even got some information on Bed and Breakfasts at Wineries that we might check out. So, besides increasing our antioxidants and getting buzzed for our hour's drive home we also are finding cool places to stay. One of the funny things about this festival was that they had these tables where the tabletops were probably about four feet off the ground but they had regular chairs so when you sat on the chairs you would rest your chin on the tables. They had a great big band out there too and a huge stage. I wish they had had rum and tequila but I am trying to get on board with this wine deal; Little Ole Drinker Me! I like the sweet, fruity wines. I guess we stick to our own kind when it comes to wines huh?

Next weekend is another wine festival but this one is in Quincy, Illinois. You probably remember I blogged about it a couple of months ago and told you how much I love Hannibal, Missouri and thought I would really like to go to this wine tasting. Well, Sugar Momma and her friends are going to go there for the weekend. I just got back from the East Coast trip so I can't feel jealous but I am. I really love Hannibal and I have wanted to go there again all summer. That damn fence needs whitewashing again and it's not gonna whitewash itself. I know darn-well that these ladies aren't gonna do it. So, I guess I am free this coming weekend if someone wants to kidnap me. We could just HAPPEN to go to the Quincy wine festival too.

Whatever happened to Colorforms? Remember those where you "stuck" the people and vehicles and stuff on the the scenes and could take them off and put them on again later? That, Etch-A-Sketch and Spiro Graph were our computers I guess.

I just heard an owl just outside of my office window. There it goes again. Is that a sign of something other than I live in the MIDDLE of nowhere and there's an owl outside my window? It IS really quiet outside tonight so that was really cool. There it goes again but it's a bit further away now. It probably knows that I'm The Bird Whisperer and he/she needs me to get a message to someone. Maybe Harry Potter. It could be Morse Code....there it is again...."whoo ha whoo whoo" and again "whoo ha whoo whoo ha whoo." Now I have to learn Morse Code too? I know S.O.S.. The "whoo" is probably the dash and the "ha" is probably the dot. That's the first time I've ever heard an owl here...we've had foxes. Noah's Ark is slowly coming to fruition. What the heck is a cubit and where can I get gopher wood?

It been about twenty minutes since I first hear the owl and now there are three of them and they are hooting almost non-stop. One is really close to the house. Maybe they are planning a coup. It's like they're talking to one another and I had the wine last about seven hours ago so the answer to your question is "NO!" And I'm not nuts either...well, not when it comes to this anyway. If I do figure out how to talk to them I have but one question..."how many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?" If I were nuts would I know it? Hey, how come there are so many synonyms for being crazy that have to do with food? You're nuts, bananas, crackers, out of your gourd...

Alright enough already. I wish I could photograph the owls but it's dark and I am not sure where they are out there and I know if I went outside they'd see me and I wouldn't see them and they'd just be quiet so when I am done here I am going to turn off the light and listen for a while. I'll tell you what they have to say tomorrow. Have as good of a Monday as you can and I will blog your ear (eyes) off again tomorrow. Blog you again then...your bestest buddy and big toe, Matt In The Middle!

Freaks and Mediums and MILFs, Oh My!

cue special addition of theme music (reservoir edition)

It was a full 19 hours since I had bled all over the Biolife Plasma Services donation center until the time I figured it was safe to pump iron not blood. They never said anything about taking it easy or anything so I figured it would be okay to do my regular workout on Saturday afternoon. I did the new usual 25 miles on the bike, 600 sit-ups, squats, leg work and the bench press and other arm work. My left arm, in the area where the blood poured from Friday hurts quite a bit. It's just more of an ache but I have a feeling I should have taken it easy for a couple of days on the arm work. No pain, no gain though they say. I think I must gave gained Saturday. No blood so I guess I'm fine.

I am still having a hard time finding a Medium for the October 30th seance so, it's on to "Plan B"; I will be conducting the seance myself. I have over a month to figure out what I'm doing and, since I usually wake up during the 3:00AM hour, I am very sensitive to the spirit world (thank you Stacee for your research). I am going to take it seriously but Sugar Momma said that I have built a lifetime of goofiness and I shouldn't wear a turban or anything like that because I am a goofball. I need to get a cool robe and a crystal ball or something. Won't you be surprised when I actually contact another realm and become the new slightly less masculine James Van Praagh? This is gonna be the best seance you have ever heard of! There are still a few seats available believe it or not.

Sugar Momma and I watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm early Saturday morning that we had DVR'd. I felt like I was living an episode within an episode. She: needed coffee so I paused it, she had to go to the bathroom so I paused it, she started sneezing uncontrollably so I paused it...it took like 90 minutes to watch a 30 minute program. My plan was to watch it early and then workout but that plan was shot to HELSER! Another good show you need to try to watch if you can is Freaks & Geeks on IFC. It was from the early 90's and it has so many pop-culture and MIDDLE references from that time...it's hilarious. It has young: James Franco (Spiderman, Blind Date...), Seth Rogen (Super Bad, Knocked Up, 40-year-old Virgin...), Jason Segel (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up, How I Met Your Mother...) and Linda Cardellini (who played Velma in the Scooby Doo movies) in lead roles.

I see the new season of The Apprentice started this past week. They are not doing a celebrity addition this time; they went back to the original premise but this time they took people who are out of work and are referring to it as the recession edition. America...what an opportunistic country.

My friend MADYM (not to be confused with Wayland Flowers' side-kick) told Sugar Momma something funny. I used to work in the construction industry until I was made redundant last year. We did quite a bit of work in a
subdivision in Geneva, Illinois called Mill Creek. Madym told Sugar Momma that someone keeps changing the entrance sign to Mill Creek to "MILF" Creek. I think that is hilarious! Supposedly they change the sign at night and they do a really nice job so it looks like the sign was really made that way. It gets changed back and then the MILF Vandals change it back again. Keep up the good work out there keeping the MIDDLE entertained.

Sunday is here so enjoy the day before the grind begins again Monday. I may go to an olde time baseball game in Creston, IL (talk about the MIDDLE of nowhere) Sunday. No one in this house wants to go with me so either I will go alone or I will just stay home and work on my book while watching football and juggling my fantasy team. I'm such a dud...I mean dude. TTTT...MITM!

** biolife graphic pumped from biolife.vmt.edu, freaks and geeks photo copied from daily.likeme.net & milf graphic schwinged from soundopinions.org **

More Light-headed than Usual Friday!

cue theme music de-jour

Friday started out like any other plasma donation day but things changed very quickly. When I got there they did the usual measurements: blood pressure, weight, temperature, prick my finger to test my blood and the usual questions. I was told that my protein level was at 6.0 and if it were any lower I wouldn’t have been able to donate. That’s another good reason for donating plasma. Besides saving lives it’s like getting your engine tuned-up; the "mechanic" says my engine needs protein. Tuesday, my next donation day, I will make sure I eat more protein-enriched foods the night before and the morning of the donation. So, then I headed over to begin the recycling. I was hooked up and began to pump blood/plasma. The first draining went well and the blood was pumped back into me. Then the blood began to be pumped out again but the machine wasn’t pumping properly and the beeps and lights began to go off on the machine. One of the technicians who was with another donor said, “I’ll be right there.” Then the person who hooked me up to the machine came over. She started fiddling with the needle in my vein and all of a sudden blood began spewing out of my vein. Up from my vein came a bubbling crude, red gold, plasma tea. The next thing you know old Matty’s covered in blood. It’s was a geyser. I have had a toe chopped off so this was nothin’ though they sure seemed focused. Of course this would be the day I wore one of my favorite white shirts. I am a member of the Save The Manatees Club and I was wearing my Save The Manatees shirt. I am sure you’re not surprised I adopted a Manatee since I am a bleeding heart (and vein) and I love cows and manatees are basically sea cows. Fortunately I had an extra shirt in the car so I didn't get blood all over the seat. I’m wearing a red shirt next time. Anyway, there were three technicians/phlebotomists standing around me trying to stop the blood with gauze and towels. It was awesome! You can’t make a cake without breaking a few eggs. So they made me sit down and eat some Cheese-Its and drink some water. Then, after the timer went off, I got to talk to the nurse who said I could donate again Tuesday if I want to but if it happens again I will have to wait eight-weeks before the next donation because blood doesn’t replenish itself as fast as plasma. I figure all things happen for a reason...I needed something exciting to blog about so this happened. I should have taken photos of the blood pouring all over the place but I didn’t want to get blood on my camera; I did take a picture of my wrapping while driving home though.

Another reason this happened was so I could tell you a tremendous stain-removal tip that they gave me and it worked. When I got home I took off my bloody shirt and shorts (yes, they got bloody too) and I soaked the blood with hydrogen peroxide and it immediately began to bubble. I wadded up the stained areas and put them in a bowl of peroxide and went back in about a half hour and the blood was 100% gone; like disappearing ink. The green shorts did not fade other than the blood being gone...good to know. Now I know how you ladies feel when your monthly visitor, Aunt Flo, makes a surprise stop. Remember before we were MIDDLES when we were HAPPY to see her?

Who ever named diets was right on. DIE definitely belongs in that word. I really don't like the word diet and diet is not what I am on; I have totally changed my way of life and it still needs tweaking from time to time. I am just going to cut out some of the unhealthy foods I have worked into my repertoire and get back to what brought me here. I am having a hard time getting back in the swing of things. I had mistakenly began thinking with all of my working-out I could eat whatever I wanted and I wouldn’t gain weight. I was wrong and in doing so I have developed some bad habits again. I need to reel it in. I have seen both sides and the pain it will be to get back on the wagon is far less than the pain and suffering from being fat. When I was fat it was hard to get my big butt up on that wagon. I need to get back up there while I still can!

My son and I played two games of one-on-one basketball in the driveway Friday night. I used to let him win but now I think he takes it easy on me. I won the first game and he won the second game. Win-Win literally!

I walked to the library today while the laundry was washing to do some research for my novel. I thought about how, by the time I have great grandchildren, I will have to explain to them what a library was because there will no longer be any books. I took this photo of a car right outside of the library. I think it may have been the book mobile because it had so many bumper stickers on it that I could have spent the entire day reading them. Is it actually a bumper sticker if it’s on the roof and the hood and the doors?

Have a great Saturday. Enjoy the outdoors because it won't be long before we are dealing with cabin fever again. We are probably gonna have a fire Saturday night on Mattgarita Island (our backyard) and you're all welcome. I always say that and maybe you think I'm kidding but I do mean it. Let me know if you need to know the coordinates. I'll blog you again Saturday night/Sunday morning before I get my fantasy football line-up together. TTTT M.

** mantee graphic sea cowed from fmpta-mo.com & good food photo harvested from muchthump.com **

Yep, I've Got a Few Screws Loose

cue the theme song of the day

The electricity in our entire neighborhood went out for a couple of hours this evening. It was great. The only sounds you heard were the kids playing. We sure do take things for granted. I had already made Sparky and Sugar Momma dinner (Chicken Kiev and rice pilaf) and just as I was getting ready to make mine...out went the electricity. I thought...I will get on the laptop because that doesn't require electricity but guess what, the router does. I worked on my novel with a pen and paper; I think I am going to buy a quill. I wish we could have at least one day a week where the electricity goes out. Well, as long as the weather doesn't require either the air conditioner or the furnace; we were lucky as far as that goes. I sure hope nobody got hurt - electricity out in an entire neighborhood for that long usually means bad things for someone. While the electricity was out I spoke with Splenda for about an hour. She posted one of her art projects on Facebook and I think it's amazing (stop action video). Check it out if you want because re-posted it on my Facebook page.

Today I worked at The Egyptian Theater for the United Way Day of Caring. I cannot believe how many seats have a screw loose. Theater seats are like people I guess. You don't know who has a screw loose until you look closer. Supposedly the theater is haunted. Some say that spirits are pranksters so maybe they spend their time loosening screws so people can fall on their bums. How come I saw no sign of spirits while I was there for several hours today? Do ghosts punch a time clock and they all work the graveyard shift? The Rocky Horror Picture show plays there Friday night. Maybe there will be flying toast and rice and the sounds of snapping gloves and weird whistle sounds and confetti falling from the ceiling and cards and rain and toilet paper drowning the audience. Those kinds of things would prove there is paranormal activity in the Egyptian to me.

I have slowly gained five pounds. I have been a bit lax with my diet but I have also been working out a lot. Maybe I should measure my biceps and my chest and my thighs and my waist to see if it's muscle or food. I know working out makes me hungrier but it also burns more fat by boosting my MATTabolism. I am back on the good diet again beginning yesterday and I will fight through the hunger from working out. I must I must I must decrease my bust! I will die with moobs (Matt boobs) and there's nothing I can do about that short of plastic surgery...MIDDLE men get moobs - that's the breast way I can say it.

I still think I need to get a haircut. I asked Sugar Momma if she thought I would look good bald. She said I'd look like a thumb. Does she mean cool like the Fonz? Going into Fall and Winter is no time to be thumbing-it anyway I guess.

I am going to try to keep this shorter because it seems people aren't reading the blog so much anymore. I know it can't be the content so it has to be the length (TWSS). So, even though I have a lot more to blog about, I will save some for tomorrow. Have a nice Friday. This is the day I finally win the lottery even though it's only $55 million. I guess we could have a pretty good party on a boat (warning - R-rated version ) with 55 large. Blog ya later millionaire-hater!

** ben franklin graphic daylight saving times from school-of-champions.com, theater seats graphic spooked from afterlifeparanormal.com & thumb hitchhiked from i-am-bored.com **