In Honor...Memorial Day!

Memorial Day was originally known as Decoration Day and intended to honor Union soldiers who lost their lives during the American Civil War. It is celebrated near the date of the reunification of the United States after the end of the civil war. After World War I Memorial Day was expanded to more of what it is today. On this day in 1962 the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial was dedicated to honor the lives that were lost at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii by Japanese attack. This attack gave the United States of America reason to enter World War II and, in the words attributed to Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto but more likely made-up by Hollywood, "woke a sleeping giant." The U.S. was far from a sleeping giant. This attack on the U.S., however, did force us to act and stop some of the worst of the World's atrocities since America's birth.

I find that I am a lot like America itself. I believe most Americans are the same. The American spirit to me is that we want to be able to pursue our own happiness as long as it doesn't effect someone else's pursuit of their own happiness. It lets us believe that we can do anything we set our minds to do. Most of us also want to defend the people who cannot defend themselves. We are, for the most part, laid back but driven until we are provoked. Once provoked we become the awakened giant.

America has had the fighting spirit since the very beginning, literally. We are a country founded by people who were willing to risk everything. George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Betsy Ross, Thomas Jefferson and countless others who risked death as traitors to fight for our beginning. The American Revolution was the birth of the American fighting spirit and our country. As we are each products of our own personal natures and nurturing so too is America. Way before 1776 people migrated to this land for freedoms of religion...we are based on freedom.

When I was working in my yard yesterday I couldn't help but think about the millions of soldiers who have fought for me and the countless that have lost their lives since 1776 so I could have the right to own my own land. I am humbled by the dedication that is given so each and every one of us has the freedoms we have come to take for granted. Most countries in the world don't have near the liberties and freedoms we possess. Many of the people in the world who we consider enemies dislike America because of our freedoms: religion, speech, pursuit of happiness...

I started thinking about my own personal history. I was born on a U.S. Army base in Heidelberg, West Germany near the Berlin Wall and the countless Nazi Concentration Camps that Americans gave their lives to liberate. I was willing to serve and was sworn-in to do my part but became unable to serve in the military due to personal injury. I have visited and taken great interest in many of the arenas and monuments that have made America what it is: Philadelphia, Gettysburg, Arlington National Cemetery, Washington D.C., Charleston, Mt. Rushmore, The Alamo, Pearl Harbor. Actually, anywhere you and I visit in our country is historical because it is made possible by Americans fighting so we can be here. Now I blog whatever I want on a daily basis because of the freedom I have been granted. This same freedom also made possible for people to invent the tools by which I blog. I know this is somewhat disjointed and rambling at times but that is one of my inalienable rights as an American...Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Rambling Blogs!

We, as Americans, owe a great debt of gratitude that we can never repay to the men and women who have dedicated their lives to making our country what we treasure every day. There are people who are reading this blog who have served or are presently serving. There are people who have children who have served or are serving now. Though Memorial Day is set aside for the soldiers who fought and died for us I treat Memorial Day and Veteran's Day the same. I think of all the people who have given of themselves to protect me and allow me to live with the freedoms I treasure. I appreciate the soldiers who gave the ultimate price of their lives and their families for their losses. I further know that by putting on the uniform they are ALL willing to pay that price for you and me. Thank you for all that you do for us every day!

** photos liberated as follows: u.s.s. arizona - ballslist.com, imo jima - marines.mil, continental congress - archives.gov, statue of liberty - awuaphoenix.com & arlington national cemetery - bearpit.net 88

I'm Ready For My Close-Up Mr. DeMille

The big plans yesterday didn't materialize. I ended up working until about 5:00 (with Cook County State's Attorney Anita Alvarez) and when I got home Sugar Momma wasn't feeling well so I just went to my parents' house and brought home a vehicle full of firewood that my dad had been collecting for us. I came home with a huge load of wood (TWSS). It worked out fine (not the load of wood part) because I got to go over to my bro-migo Dennis' house and watch the NHL team from the Middle, The Chicago Blackhawks, take game one of the Stanley Cup Finals.

When I blogged yesterday that the American Idol winner this season was from the Middlewest (Illinois) my buddy Stacee pointed out that the Biggest Loser is also from Middletown USA (Bartlett, IL) and reminded me that The Man In The Big White House (President Barack Obama) is also a Middler. We're coming for you non-Middlers...first America and then the world. IT'S MIDDLE DOMINATION!!!!

Today I intend to conquer the impossible. Climb the MATTerhorn. I have one of those patio bars that I moved downstairs to my poker room (intended for entertainment purposes only) in the basement a couple of years ago. It was great on the patio but was almost essential for Mattgarita Island. When I moved it down there I vowed that it would never leave Mattgarita Island because it was a pain to get down there. Imagine how much fun it's going to be today when it hops a Steamer for the patio again. Upstream is always much more difficult. Good thing I'm already crabby. The mushroom cloud you see over the cornfield may be me later today. It's my idea so I will suffer my own consequences.

I still haven't seen a movie to review yet but I probably still will see Sex and the City 2 (SATC2). I just found out that there is a new theater Hollywood Palms near Fox Valley Center (or whatever it's called now). Hollywood Palms is one of those theaters that serve food and drinks while you watch the movie (again from Stacee). Sugar Momma and I went to the one by Yorktown Mall about 10 years ago (I just checked and it was 11 years ago because we saw the Matrix there). This would be a great way to review a movie and a restaurant at the same time and for A MATT IN THE MIDDLE FIRST (fanfare) a theater review...oooooooooooo....aaaaaaaaaaa. The weekend isn't even half over.

Sugar Momma is going to our niece's high school graduation today (she knows the bar is coming up the stairs today). There was some cockamamie story about how there weren't enough tickets for me. I know I am embarrassing and I blog about everything but I can behave sometimes. I have been to weddings and funerals and didn't get thrown out. No, I'm kidding, I know there are only so many seats and they'd rather take their dog's groomer than me...I'm cool with that. (I just made that up, I don't think the dog's groomer is going - Sugar Momma check for a dog groomer). I'm like Uncle Arthur from Bewitched with a skosh less flamboyance.

I am going to do a Memorial Day tribute for tomorrow's blog. I will try to be serious because I have great respect for what Memorial Day stands for and for what the women and men of the military do every day to keep us safe. I have a tendency to skew things toward the humorous but that's how I am. If, tomorrow, it appears that what I write is disrespectful I assure you that it will not be my intention. I am launching a preemptive apology when I don't even have any idea what I am going to blog yet. That seems military and respectful right there doesn't it? Today I changed the top ten list to my top ten favorite war/army/fight films.

Sugar Momma is missing one slipper from each of four pairs of slippers. I know she thinks I'm Prince Charming and all but this role play is getting out of hand. Instead of finding the woman in my kingdom who the slipper fits I have to find the slipper that fits the woman in my kingdom. I'm more like Gus Gus than the Prince but I'll try before I turn back into the footman or whatever Gus Gus turned back into. The footman looking for a slipper...it's all becoming clearer now.

Is it possible to get your nostrils and ear lobes waxed? I want a Brazilian nose and ear wax.

If you feel like carrying a bar up a flight of stairs, digging/leveling the area for the bar, going to Menard's and getting sand and mulch and spreading those and various other graduation party preparation fun come on over. I will be happy to keep you libated (that's not a word but it should be - Urban Dictionary).

Have a nice Sunday and a fantastic graduation day Emily. Blog you tomorrow with my Memorial Day Tribute to America. Time to make the donuts!

** blackhawks ice crew photo slashed from blackhawks.nhl.com,hollywood palms cinema photo cecil b. de-stolen from hollywoodpalmscinema.com & cinderella picture slipped from us.movies1.yimg.com

I'm Pretty Sure I Saw a Unicorn!

I think I have developed anatidaephobia from all of the wildlife in our back yard. I was lying in the hammock last night while everyone else was gone and I felt like Snow White when the animals first started becoming less afraid of her. There were no green alligators or long neck geese, no humpty back camels or chimpanzees but there were rabbits and ducks and robins and cardinals all around me. A baby bunny named Hugh was right next to the hammock and then went directly under me. I named him (or her) Hugh because I was using my HP Mini (ca-ching). Hugh is short for Hewlett (Hugh) G. Eers. Those animals are all: really stupid, really unobservant or really perceptive in knowing I would never hurt any of them. They're probably just kissing up because Sugar Momma and I are their soup kitchen. Next time I go to the hammock I will take the camera with me because I am pretty sure I did see a unicorn after all of those margaritas.

I love my new H.P. Mini (double-ching) but I am sure that I am under-compensating for something with the mini. I didn't like it much at first but it is growing on me. Not too much though because if it grew too much it wouldn't be a mini. My feet are bigger than it is. You know what they say about guys with big feet - "big feet, big shoes."

I did have my camera with me yesterday on my many trips back and forth to Menard's (ca-ching) and Lowe's (ca-ching-aroo). I saw black smoke off in the distance toward Sycamore and me trying to prolong the kitchen tile project as longs as I could, and the fact that I am extremely nosy, I headed toward the smoke. There was a farm house burning down. It was a controlled burn by the fire department but it was cool nonetheless. I was happy I did have my camera for that.

Speaking of the kitchen project - I am done with the tile. I posted some photos over in the left margin so everyone can see that I am not qualified to help with your projects. If you need a moron grunt to help with the mindless stuff I am your MATT otherwise you're probably better off without me near the project.

When I did yesterday's blog post I used a photo of Kool-Aid Man (ching-ching). I started thinking that if I had been Ray Stantz I would have chosen Kool-Aid Man rather than the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man to battle New York. I would love to see them fight each other actually like a Godzilla - Mothra battle. I wouldn't want the Kool-Aid Man here at our house though. He's either too lazy or too ignorant to walk around to a gate. He's always smashing through brick walls and fences; I don't need that aggravation or clean-up. It took me like 15 hours to tile a kitchen can you imagine how long it would take me to reconstruct a brick wall that was destroyed by a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid? At least I wouldn't get thirsty I suppose.

I never made it to a MATTinee yesterday or Thursday so I didn't see a new movie to review this week. I will try to get to one. Today I have to work a bit this afternoon and then Sugar Momma and I are heading to the big city (Oswego / Boulder Hill). You guys with all of your fancy motorcars and things. I think after that we may go to Morton Arboretum and for dinner somewhere out that way. Now I know how the Amish must feel when they go to town. Excited and nervous all at the same time.

Hey, I guess that new American Idol dude is from Illinois. Your following this blog and keeping to your Middle roots has helped propel this young artist to the top of his field. Congratulations to Lee DeWyze of Mt. Prospect, Illinois; I'm sure you're very talented. And you thought you were just reading a blog...you are making a difference right now by reading this. Reading Matt In The Middle is FUN-da-mental ("mental" anyway, "da")!

Have a great Saturday. It seems like the weather is going to be great in the Middle today. And tomorrow is like Second Saturday - woohoo!!! Maybe tomorrow I will actually
compose my blog from the HP Mini...make sure you have your magnifying glasses for the tiny type...blog you later!

Let's All Do The Wave!

It's the Friday of a holiday weekend; that's never a bad thing. Maybe it is. I bet it stinks for the trash collectors. I'm not talking about you Bret Michaels. Now they have to work harder next week but it's still not a bad thing this week so, I guess it still is never a bad thing.

Yesterday I was going to go see Sex and the City 2 but I made the mistake of starting to grout the brick in the kitchen. Eight hours later, having grouted all day, I was getting ready to coach little league. I got a little over-ambitious and grouted pretty far ahead. The directions said to let the grout sit 10-30 minutes before removing the grout. It seems that the pasty grout changes properties after too long and turns into Titanium. Have you ever tried to wipe Titanium away with a wet sponge? It doesn't work so well. I was using scouring pads and steel wool and even had the dynamite lit before I had to blow the fuse out to get the baseball lineup ready. Now my hands ache so much I can barely type but I have made a commitment to you to do this blog and, gosh darn it, I live up to my commitments.

I hear a fire truck close. I haven't been downstairs yet this morning I hope it isn't something to do with my grouting. I hope I blew that fuse out all the way.

So, today I have to finish up the grouting. Remember when I said this project would be worth the time and money? What I have done so far looks great but I am starting to wonder if it was worth it...it was. The full use of my hands for a better-looking kitchen. What good is a kitchen if I can't cook because I have no use of my hands? What a quandary! It's a mystery! It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma!

Sugar Momma got home from Austin last night and Splenda's last day of school was yesterday so now the big push is on to "get this house ready for graduation." The house is ready it's everything else that isn't. We can't start getting it ready too early because we cannot keep it clean since we're always going eleven-and-a-half different directions at the same time. We have to stress ourselves out and do it all at the last minute. It makes the margaritas taste all that much better.

My "favorites" and "stored" phone numbers and "saved" email addresses are ruining my memory. I used to know everybody's numbers and addresses by heart but now I don't have to so I can't. I know it's not age that's making me forget things it's this dang-dab-blammed technology. Curse you Oppenheimer and Edison and Franklin! I guess it's no different than having an address book. Sorry I blew up (not that kind of blew up...the fuse is not lit). Bless you Edison and Franklin...I'm still a little suspicious of you Oppenheimer. Cell phones and texting and computers make missing people something of the past. I think something is lost since we can't "miss" people like we once did. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but there is to absence anymore. I miss missing people. I want my heart to grow fonder.

I work tomorrow for a College of Law graduation. I know what you're thinking...Matt what advise are you going to give these future magistrates and noble-people? I haven't decided yet but I am sure I will be quite an inspiration to them.

The last time I worked my part-time job I worked security which I hadn't done before. They put me out back making sure people had passes to enter a certain parking lot. I was out there alone and I wasn't sure if I was Gomer Pyle or Floyd Lawson. I had gotten temporarily deputized and put where I could cause the least amount of trouble. At least Floyd and Gomer got rifles on occasion; maybe I'm more like Leon.

I didn't even have time to work out yesterday so I'm dreading doing it today. Whatever doesn't kill us just probably shortens our lives. That's not right...whatever doesn't kill us just makes us stronger for the less time that it lets us live. Speaking of that, one of my parents' friends since high school passed away the other day. He was only four months older than my dad. It reminds me that my parents aren't going to be here forever. I am fortunate to still have them both. I don't know how I will take it when they die. Well, that's cheery.

Don't you hate the people who don't wave when you let them cut in front of you? IT ONLY TAKES 2 SECONDS TO WAVE! Every time this happens I vow to myself that I will never let anybody cut in front of me again.
Until next time because I am a nice guy and I have faith in humanity and I know the next person will wave. And then they wave so I let another one in and they don't wave so I will never let anybody else in front of me...it never ends. JUST WAVE PEOPLE!!! THAT'S ALL I ASK!

Have a nice Friday. I intend to blog every day over the Memorial Day weekend like always but I will understand if you don't read them until Tuesday when you get back to work and need to kill time while those reports print or you are waiting for a meeting or you are just thinking, "I wonder what that idiot wrote about over the weekend." I'll tell you what he's thinking.."JUST WAVE!"

Be safe. Blog you later!

** mayberry photo handcuffed from mayberrytownhall.ning.com & both wave photos let cut in front of me from sodahead.com

All Hands On Deck - The Admiral is Returning!

I am so thrilled; Sex and the City 2 opens today.

Last night our baseball game lasted until about 10:15 and then we had to stop and Taco Bell after that because my son and I hadn't eaten dinner. I am tired and I know it's going to be a struggle getting him up this morning. We have another 8:00 game tonight. This will be so much easier when school is out. Only one more week. We were down last night 14-3 but had an 8-run rally to be within 3 but then ended up losing 14-11. It was a good game and a good comeback that just came up a bit short.

Today is Splenda's last day of high school forever. How exciting. Now off to a whole new chapter in her life when she begins college in a couple of months. Hold on sweety, the roller coaster just gets faster from here. High school was that clickety-clickety-clickety sound you hear when you're going up...get ready for all the big drops and twists and upside-downs. They are all part of the ride but they keep you guessing what is up beyond the next turn. In the end you are happy for every one of those unexpected moves in the ride. Mom and I are very proud of you and we know you'll change the world. You were one of the best twists in our roller coaster ride that we are thankful for every single day.

(I was very proud of that analogy but when I re-read this I realized that metaphor was from the movie "Parenthood" - great movie!)

While I was working on the kitchen bricks/walls I was watching (just listening actually) some of those episodes of America Story of Us. That is the show that originally reminded me about the creative commercials but I don't think I even mentioned it when I discussed the creative commercials. They have commercials that look like a documentary similar to the show . They break and run right into the commercials. Since I was working and my hands were covered in adhesive I didn't want to touch the remote so I was trapped. The show is presented by Bank of America and they are one of the companies that fools us with the commercials that look like part of the show. Every one of their commercials is how they are responsible for every great thing that ever happened in America. It's really amusing actually whether it's true or not. I am sure it's true but partially skewed their way. It kind of reminds me of Tommy Flanagan "... and then we financed a cruise for a family...it was a family named...Columbus, yeah that's the ticket." I am waiting to see the commercial that says how they were partially responsible for the disastrous economic downturn we are currently experiencing. I imagine that will be in the final episode of the show.

I have all the brick/tile installed in the kitchen and now I just have to grout it and seal it. I was thankful that I hadn't trimmed my fingernails in awhile. While I was sawing one of the bricks with my Black & Decker NaviGator power handsaw/jigsaw (ka-ching) the brick slipped and I sawed into the top of my thumbnail. Luckily I felt the vibration right away and have cat-like reflexes. The thumbnail saved my thumb from being peeled like a banana. I always thought fingernails were just there so we could pick our noses and pry staples up and have something to chew when we're nervous. They have a higher calling than I give them credit for. So then, about a half hour later while trying to force a brick into a hole with a hammer I smacked the same thumbnail and now I have a black and blue dot (bruise) right in the middle of under my thumbnail. I will attach these thumb incidents to something later saying that it was a sign or a prediction. Maybe I am meant to go hitchhiking around the world and need my thumbs. I probably shouldn't watch television while working with power tools is probably the real sign that I am supposed to get. I almost blew my life-long goal of playing Arthur Fonzarelli on Broadway.

Yesterday I let Ms. Peabody out to drop more depth-charges for my next barefoot lawn mowing. I saw her chasing Quackers. He didn't seem too worried as he just pretty much jumped up, flapped his wings and came right back down. He is about twice as big as Peabody so he could take her in a duck-dog battle royale. I yelled at her and she stopped and came back in the house. I noticed him just sitting out in the yard by himself and wondered if Cheese and he had had a fight or they were separated and our yard is their rendezvous spot or if she got captured by that fox or if they had gotten split up or is she nesting really close to, or maybe in, our backyard somewhere? Maybe she didn't get over the Blackhawks beating the Anaheim Ducks and she is depressed in a duck bar somewhere. While I was watering the outside plants, hanging laundry and feeding the birds later I noticed they were together again...there is joy in Duckville. I even create soap operas about ducks...maybe I really do need to see Sex and the City 2. It has been suggested that I see it and review it even though I have never even seen one episode of the show. A guys perspective would be interesting maybe.

Tonight my wife, Morgan Fairchild, comes back home. I guess I had better get the house clean today. It looks like rain again so maybe baseball will be canceled and I will have a few extra hours to clean up the Bret Michaels after-party we had Sunday night. That dude can really throw a party but he doesn't stay to help clean up. I was going to ask Quackers to move in but he got his dame back. We were gonna film a reality show "Blogging For Quackers" but now that's scrapped. I guess I'll just have to keep bugging you everyday. Thank you for letting me do that...you complete me!

Now I gotta get on my hazMATT suit and get this place in shape. Tomorrow is Friday and a long holiday weekend so tough it out...you can do it. Blog you tomorrow!

**tommy flanagan photo "took it myself, yeah that's the ticket" from snlark.jt.org and cleanup photo taken by me at my house (no, actually swiped from abc.net.au) **

Make It a Wonderful Life! (start with today)

Happy Humpty Dumpty Day!

Yesterday I mowed the lawn barefoot because I need to toughen my feet up for the summer. I have always been a tenderfoot. I wasn't worried about cutting off a toe because firstly, I only have nine so I have better odds than other mowers, and secondly, my tennis shoes or crocks aren't going to save my feet from a whirling toe death machine anyway. I thought about the native Americans while mowing and thought they must have had tough feet. Every time I stepped in dog crap I thought how much different it would have been if it were buffalo chips. I did find out, however, that some mulch is like tiny little military arsenals with bayonets and spears trained to take your feet out. My feet took a punishment and they came back from battle still dressed in their black and green battle camouflage with blood and war paint still adorning their faces. They fought well and made me proud. The yard was pushed back but we know that the lawn will mount another offensive soon and we will have to re-deploy Operation Toro. I took recon photos with the E-3 Sentry (AWACS) but the sensitivity of the mission won't allow me to publish them (actually they were really boring photos).

I saw rabbits everywhere and discovered that one of our neighbors behind us has a rabbit trap set up. It is one of those humane type (catch and release) so I didn't feel bad. It was funny though because as I would come up on where a rabbit was hiding it would take off and go and sit right by the rabbit trap and not even go inside. I would get right up on them before I'd even see them and they'd just take off - won you wascal wabbits won!

I also noticed that another neighbor behind us has let his lawn get pretty high. It's not unusual for them to let it go for a while but stuff like that has never bothered me. Some people get all bent out of shape about stuff like that. I am a do unto others kind of a guy. Once you cross me I have you in my sights for, well, probably forever but until then do what you want. In fact, in this case, it makes our yard look so much better. It's like a long weedy picture frame surrounding our Mona Lisa.

The day I got my toe cut off, when I was seventeen years old, turned out to be one of the best days of my future life. It was my equivalent to the day Harry Bailey fell into the water and George Bailey jumped in after him.
I was already sworn in to go to Army basic training for Military Police. I would never have met Sugar Momma and never had the greatest kids on the planet and I would never have started this blog. That movie does make you think what would have happened if... (we can all fill in our own "if").

I also did some laundry yesterday and was faced with a new dilemma in the clothesline arena. What do you do when it starts to rain? Do you leave them out there because they were just washed and they're already wet? I pulled them in and I'm glad I did because it poured for quite awhile. I will put them back out this morning to finish their drying.

Last night I worked on the back-slash bricks in the kitchen until about 11:00 or so. It looks really nice but I have a long way to go. I have to finish the bricks and then grout. I think I can get it done today. It will be worth the time and money because the part I already did, even before the grouting, looks good.

Tonight we have an 8:00 baseball game and, even though people don't realize it, there is quite a bit of preparation that goes into coaching boy's baseball so I have to work on that this afternoon. All of our 8th graders are going to be late because of an honor's night so we will be missing some key players at the beginning. We have a lot of really good 7th grade players, as most of our team is 7th-graders, so we'll be fine. Our game tomorrow is 8:00 too. Why didn't we get the 8:00 game the day that it was 2000 degrees outside?

Have a "wonderful" day today and... "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."


**E3 sentry photo recon'd from globalsecurity.org and the baileys photo out the door or through the windowed from bloodcenters.org **

G'Day Mate!

It's Tuesday and millions of people have some extra time on their hands tonight. What are you going to do without LOST?

When I wrote my review of Iron Man 2 yesterday I forgot to include the music. The music of AC/DC really helps to get you pumped up. The soundtrack is amazing. It's the closest thing AC/DC have ever done to a "best of" compilation. Their music cannot be purchased on iTunes so if you're an AC/DC fan it's a great investment for $12 (at least that's the price at Wal-Mart). The movie School of Rock was also filled with AC/DC music but not performed by AC/DC and I checked and none of their music is on that soundtrack.

I am starting to think that I really do have an Australia / New Zealand fetish. Maybe it's because I know one day I may be partially "buried" there when some of my ashes end up in a sand castle down under. I like the koala and the wombat and the wallabee and the tasmanian devil, Men at Work seemed like fun guys, I'm a fan of the kangaroo and the kiwi, I've mentioned Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman here a couple of times, Joe Hachem is one of my favorite poker players and I have loved AC/DC since about 7th grade. I am not a fan of Nicole Kidman though, she seems annoying to me. I'm sure she says the same about me. I have liked some of her work like the movie Australia (not ironically) with Hugh Jackman. The School of Rock was full of AC/DC music too but not performed by AC/DC. I checked and there is no AC/DC music on that soundtrack.

While Sugar Momma is away I am watering the outside flowers and feeding the birds like I am suppose to. I took a picture of Cheese eating bread as I threw it to her (I will post it tomorrow). Quackers just watches from further in the back yard and acts as lookout. I even throw some bread his way but he doesn't even touch it. I have to mow the lawn this morning (I waited too long yesterday and then it got to 347 degrees outside so I didn't do it yesterday). I would have done it last night but we had a baseball game; we won 10-9 in extra innings. My son has not been hitting well and I picked him up from school (not School of Rock) and we went right to the batting cages. It really helped as he was hitting like crazy last night and had like 9 stolen bases...big boost for his ego all for $5 at a batting cage. I did mow a little yesterday with my buddy Dennis though. We helped mow the lawn at Prairie Pines in Malta. It is my new favorite public course. It is very close, it's very inexpensive, we were the only ones on the entire course (remember it was Monday and it was 347 degrees), you can see the wind turbines from most of the course, you are surrounded on three sides by fields (looks like soy beans this year to the east) and I shot very well yesterday (those are the days that you think you can golf that keep you going back to find out that you really stink). I think I will make Prairie Pines the official golf course of Matt in the Middle...won't they be excited?! I should make them a plaque.

The DVR (digital video recorder) has changed television forever. Have you noticed how creative they are getting on television commercials? They have to trick us into watching them now since we can easily skip them now. I know I have mentioned that I am an Olympic gold medal winner in DVR Controlling but they get me every now and then. I think I should start an award for most creative way to get us to watch a television commercial. Three that come to mind...Jimmy Kimmel started his show with he and a bunch of his cast regulars in a van playing cards which turned out to be a commercial but I was so impressed that they "got me" that I don't know the product (maybe Chevy?), Jenna Fischer, who plays Pam Beesley-Halpert on The Office, appears in a make-up commercial that airs almost every time I watch the office now (again product lost on me because I don't wear make-up) and IAC channel on Direct TV had a show called "Into the Heart of Italy" sponsored by Bertolli (ka-ching). It reminded me a lot of the movie Letters To Juliet. It "stars" Marisa Tomei and Dan Cortese traveling about Italy looking for ingredients. You had me at Tomei! If Marisa Tomei is in it I am watching it...is she from Australia? Do any of you other Middles remember what Wednesday used to be called? Prince Spaghetti day!...ANTHONY!

I sent Sugar Momma a text yesterday and she sent one back and I notice my text said "...I "bet it's hooter than Hell" in Texas..." I meant "hotter" than Hell but I must have been thinking about Maris Tomei and the fine family of Bertolli products.

It was hot yesterday but losing weight has helped me in that respect. Yes, it has helped for the obvious reasons but losing weight helps you stay cooler just like Labor Day does...it allows you to wear white. I used to wear mostly dark-colored clothes so I could hide my jelly rolls (not real jelly rolls the pastry but jelly rolls like my humps, my humps, my lovely Matty lumps). Who did I think I was fooling? Anyway, yesterday I wore white and it helped a great deal. Thinnership has it's privileges.

Uh oh. I think I hear thunder (not from down under either) so I had better get out there and get on walk-about behind a mower. I am gonna be flat out like a lizard drinkin' today. It looks clear out, sorta sunny, though...curiouser and curiouser. Have a great day and don't let the little things get you down. It's gonna be another hot one so stay close to the billabong. G'day Mate! Now rack off...blog you manana! More thunder...Where's my Brokeback Hat?

**wombat photo outbacked from igougo.com and bertolli ca-chinged from gpi.org **

Dinner Just Wantsta Have Fuu'un

Another week begins. When I was driving home from the airport yesterday I saw a bumper sticker on a car but I couldn't make it out. Finally I got to where I could read it. It was a great sentiment "watch for motorcycles." Good advise always but while I was busy trying to make out what the bumper sticker said at 80 miles per hour (hypothetically) I was busy not looking out for motorcycles; kind of counter-productive sticker I thought.

I saw an advertisement for a new Panasonic 3-D television. I hope that the economy being what it is Americans aren't the lemmings we usually are and maybe we wait on this for awhile. Why do we always have to get everything right away just to find out that they haven't gotten all the kinks out of the new product yet? Usually, if we wait, the price comes down significantly too. I am not talking specifically about this television, it may be great I don't know, but it just made me think about how impulsive we usually are as a country. The economy should force us to re-evaluate our purchasing habits. I wonder how much those tv's are.

I am still brushing my teeth and flossing in the shower and I'm convinced this is the way to go. It did make me discover, yet again, what a creature of habit I am. Right after I get out of the shower, having just brushed and flossed, I feel like I should do it again. I have brushed my teeth right after my shower for so many years that it has become so ingrained in my mind that I feel the need to brush right after I brushed.

Being creatures of habit and doing things "just because" reminded me of something that happened awhile ago. When we were kids my brother and I would get in trouble and told "no singing at the dinner table." Seemed like a good rule when I was a kid I guess. Wait, no it didn't, why couldn't we sing at the dinner table? Last year my parents were over for something and I asked my dad "why couldn't we sing at the dinner table?" He looked at me and broke into a small chuckle and said, "I don't know, that was just always the rule when I was growing up." I bet the Osmonds and the Jacksons sang at the dinner table. My advise is to sing at the dinner table. We also had to wear a shirt to the dinner table but I suppose this was an equal rights issue so my mom wouldn't have felt left out. Or maybe it was a safety issue. We can sing at our dinner table if we want to (wasn't that a Men Without Hats song?); old habits (even family traditional habits) can be broken.

LOST is over forever and Celebrity Apprentice is over for the season. I will not ruin either of them for you but, most likely, you know the endings already if you're interested. If not you can probably turn on any news or entertainment source today and get more Celebrity LOST than you want. I never watched LOST but the rest of my family did so I know the ending but I did watch Celebrity Apprentice. A few of the people on that show changed my opinions of them. I was always a fan of Cyndi Lauper but she is a loon and I don't care for her much any more. Not just because she is a loon, loons are fun, but I don't know how to describe it - maybe a little crabby too. I wasn't really very familiar with Bret Michaels other than a few of his songs and "Rock of Love" and when he started on the show I thought he was a bit of an idiot. He grew on me and I ended up liking him. He is a very nice guy with a big heart even though he is still a bit odd. Early in the season he used the word "discomboobulated" and last night he used the word "discombooberated" I don't know why but that cracks me up. I think he must read this blog and did it last night just for us. I bet he and Cyndi sing at THEIR dinner tables.

This is the last full week of school for my kids. Until then I have to get my son up and make his lunch and get him on the bus. I am going to post my review of Iron Man 2 this morning as promised. I think I will mow the lawn today and do some kitchen tiling too. Then batting cages at 3:00 with my son and baseball at 6:00. I have to remember to water the outside flowers and feed the birds while Sugar Momma is away. I will probably forget but in case she reads this blog from her hotel room she will see that my intentions were paving my way to Hell. If you're going to Hell you may as well not take a dirt or gravel road. Sounds like the destination stinks so you may as well enjoy the journey.

I know you're tired but that's why there's only one Monday a week. You can do it; make the best of it. Blog you tomorrow!


** lemmings comic jumped from mattwardman.com, beetlejuice photo said three times from replikultes.net & cyndi lauper photo true-colored by numbers from images.businessweek.com **

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I love sleeping with the windows open. This short period in the Middlewest is the best time of the year. The bugs aren't bad yet. It's about the perfect temperature all of the time. There's little humidity. It's like San Diego weather for a couple of weeks. I have been awake for a while but I just laid in bed and listened to the birds for about an hour. It was nice. No one left a tv on all night, none of the neighbors were staring their vehicles and heading to work, the dude or dudette delivering the papers in their loud car doesn't come as early... Some people wish every day were Christmas I wish every day was an early Spring Sunday in the Midwest. The photo I added (right over there <-----) is the where the birds hang out in our yard. And that is the fence I white-washed earlier this Spring. Tarnation!

Sugar Momma goes to Austin, Texas today until Thursday. I am taking her to the airport this morning; nice doing it on a Sunday this time rather than during rush-hour in Chicago like last time. I vow to stay out of trouble while she is gone. She wants to get down to Texas early so she can be in her hotel room eating room service in her jammies when the LOST series finale is on tonight. Doesn't she know she is going to miss the Celebrity Apprentice season finale? I hope there is a great pay-off for her (and the masses) with the LOST finale. She thinks she has it all figured out and if her theory is wrong I think they should have used her story-line no matter what theirs' is. Hers is really good. I hope the message isn't that millions of people just LOST hundreds of hours watching a show with a crappy ending.

I am adding my recipe for Spoon Tacos to the recipe section this morning. I used to make this all the time and it's really good but I haven't made it in a while. It's quick, easy and inexpensive...trifecta. And it tastes good...quinella. I make it now sometimes as a dish to pass when we go to parties because it can be used as an appetizer too. It's great football food but soon you'll be invited to picnics and summer get-togethers so be prepared. I don't know why I woke up thinking about Spoon Tacos.

I think it's because I am getting worried that my eating habits are creeping back toward the darkside. I need to pull it back in before it gets away from me. I still want to lose about 12 more pounds so I can get to 175 but I think I have become complacent. By telling you that here I am hoping that I can right the ship. Hi, my name is Matt Helser and I am a food-aholic. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi you're my only hope.

I am still hanging the towels out on the line to dry and have found that it's the sun that makes them "crispy." Wind only = soft (original recipe), sun and wind combo = crispy, sun only = extra crispy. When I originally posted my extra crispy dilemma on Matt in the Middle Jennifer suggested that after I take them off the line I put them in the dryer for about 10 minutes with a dryer sheet. She suggested that this would convert the towels back to the original recipe version. It works Jen! The towels are soft and it helped save the energy bill and the planet. Now I have dryer sheets so I researched what to do with the used dryer sheets and that's this week's top ten list. win win win win win!

Last night I was surfing by moonlight. I am a World-Class surfer. Surfing is huge in the Middle of the country. Not surfing like in Teen Wolf or in Oahu. I'm talking about satellite surfing. Why limit yourself to this planet? Cowabunga! During my surfing I kept stopping at Namaste Yoga on FitTV (ka-ching or maybe ka-schwing). I love this show. There are the obvious reasons, scantily-clad beautiful women posing for me but that's probably like the number four reason I like this show. The music is relaxing, the voice of the "instructor" is so soothing, the scenery changes continuously and I love the way Canadians say "ooot." The word Namaste is derived from Sanskrit "namas" meaning "I bow to you." It says that the divine in me is the same as the divine in you and we are the same. Sometimes I turn Namaste Yoga on (scratch that, reverse it - TWSS), set the tv timer and use it as my lullaby to fall asleep. I think mostly I like it because of my 53% rule though.
I hope you have a NamasDay (trademark/copyright). Blog you later...Namaste...I truly do bow to you!

**teen wolf photo from jasonbentley.org and namaste graphic from unitedmag.wordpress.com**

Respect My Authoratahhh!

It has been pointed out that when Sugar Momma is out of town I usually tend to get into trouble. I surely don't know where that comes from. Yes it sounds that way when you hear I was sitting in a theater watching a movie and the General Manager comes in and asks to see my ticket stub or when I tell you that I was minding my own business and a police car pulls up to me with his lights on and gets out of the car to talk to me. That's why Iron Man stayed single. And, yes Sugar Momma is coincidentally out of town. But, your honor, I have to throw myself on the mercy of the blog. Crime doesn't stop when Sugar Momma is out of town. In fact, I guess it increases. Today's blog is the most anticipated event since the Who Shot J.R. episode of Dallas (for you non-Middles that was a big deal when we only had three television networks...how did we survive?). I didn't watch it so I still don't know who shot J.R..

Yesterday I went to "the valley" to review a movie. I went to Charlestown Mall in St. Charles to see MacGruber. I ran a few errands in the morning and went to see the 11:05 AM showing of MacGruber. I got there early so I walked around the mall a bit. There are mostly empty stores there. I would say that about 80 - 85% of the stores are empty. The stores that are there are like Aeropostale and Victoria's Secret and the stores that charge way too much for their items. I guess they have to charge so much so they can stay in malls that nobody goes to. If I were blind and I walked by Aeropostale I would have bet that it was a perfume factory. What the heck is going on in there? The only place that was busy in the mall was the center kid's play area where the moms sit and watch the kids play. I don't think malls will ever come back to what they were. Oh, I just won my bid for a new blogging notebook on ebay, yes.....!

It got to be time for the movie and I went and bought my ticket to see the 11:05 showing of MacGruber. It was $5.50 this week. Last week it was only $4.50 hmmmmmm. Rent must have gone up in the mall. I had heard that tumbleweed removal service prices had gone up. I am currently training for a position in this new and exciting industry. I was the first one in the theater and then the people started trickling in. I was surprised by the crowd. The lady who sat next to me (4-5 seats between us) was in her 70's. I am sure that was the main MacGruber demographic when they wrote this movie. The movie began and they started using the "F' word every other word right from the beginning and the character played by Van Kilmer (the villain) was named Dieter Von ("C-word" with an "H" at the end - yes THE "C" word). This movie was terrible. Unless something happened later, because I switched theaters about 15 minutes into the movie. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!!! I tried to give it a chance and I wanted to like it but I walked out. It was nice to see that I am better looking than Val Kilmer now though. It was toilet humor with stupid one-liners and I am sure the other hour and 15 minutes were the same.

I left theater 17 and headed down the hall to see what movie started next. It is nice there because they put the movie title and the start time outside of each theater. I was sure this was so I could switch to see whatever move I wanted right? I went into theater 12 - "Letters To Juliet" a chick flick. Is there any way that there can be two stinkers released on the same day? I reviewed this movie for this week so I won't talk much about the movie itself here. I will do the review after this blog but...

You know how when you're in the theater and the ushers (or whatever they are called now since they really don't ush) come into the theater periodically and walk to the front and enter some code or write something down? It turns out that they are doing some kind of an audit of the theater. Counting the people in the theater I guess. Do you know where this is going? I suppose on a busy day they would have a problem but when there's 8 - 10 people in each theater it appears they might be able to get the count a little more accurate. After the kid did his count I saw a guy in a black suit with a clipboard doing a count. Then he left and came back and counted again and left...Uh oh, can you blog from a jail cell? He came in again and started walking up the stairs toward me and went past my row and started talking to some other guy there alone (we were the only singles and this wasn't one of "those" theaters where everybody comes alone). I hear them talking and this guy was a theater-switcher. The nerve of some people. Yes, I had pulled off the perfect crime! Then the Area 51 guy went down the stairs and crossed over the front of the theater and came up the stairs and came down my row toward me....time for a commercial...but since you TiVo's we'll skip the commercial. He sat next to me. "Can I see your ticket stub sir?" he asked. I pulled it from my pocket and said "I switched theaters because I hated MacGruber." "That's okay the movie studios are just really particular about keeping track of the movies. I'll switch the ticket out for you." Was this a trick? I figured he was lying and was going to come back with security but he came back with a new stub for me and that other dude who was alone. I was going to ask the other guy what movie he originally went to see but he left right before the end of the movie; I will say it was MacGruber too. When I first switched theaters I was a bit bummed that my money would add to the weekend total for that crappy MacGruber so this worked out...or did it? Okay, it did!

MacGruber worst movie ever! (said in Comic Book Guy's voice)

This is a three strike day, right. This was a close inside pitch that probably painted the corner but I was still alive. What happens next will change the way you think about life itself...when we return (darn TiVo not letting me get in my commercials).

On my way home to MiddleCorntown I thought I would swing by Mooseheart and see if I could see those eagles that my friend Greg told us about on Facebook. I got to the area in question (Area 52). Just south of Main Street / North of Orchard on the East side of Randall Road on Mooseheart's property where that fishing lake sits. This is where the reported sighting of an eagle's nest was. It was there and there were several cars pulled to the side of busy Randall Road. I went down and did a semi-legal U-turn and went back and parked behind the line of cars on the side of the road. Long story short, after a while a police officer came up and said, "nothing to see here, move along people, move along." It actually sounded more like "you're causing traffic problems and Mooseheart is complaining" (obviously a lie) and he made us disperse. I got a few photos but I have to doctor them on the computer so you can see better but I have thrown one on here so you know my tale is true. I'm sure my blogging the exact location will not cause any further gawking problems there.

I will do a review of Ironman 2 on Monday. I saw it on opening day and wasn't doing official reviews then and people are making requests for a review. Well, there was actually a question on whether I was going to review it by my one friend (Stacee) and my ego turned it into a request. So, Stacee,I shall grant you this one request...Come Monday. Now I gotta work on today's baseball line-up - right after I write the movie review. Have a great Saturday and get some suntan lotion before they're all out.

** eric cartman graphic pick-pocketed from arrowheadpride.com **

MacGruber, I Am Your Father!

Today is the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back. That makes me feel more like an End than a Middle (TWSS). I remember seeing Star Wars in the theater 33 years ago with Mike Hicks. Two thirteen-year-olds actually witnessing the World change forever on the screen right in front of their eyes and not realizing or appreciating it. What will we see today that will change the World forever? It may happen and we won't know it for 30+ years.

"Luke, I am your father" came from that one right? One of my good friends suggested yesterday that my Top Ten List this week should be my top ten favorite movie lines. I don't think I can even do that. How do you break it down to only ten lines? I can think of ten lines alone from each of my top 100 favorite films. That's like ten hundred lines right? Ten Hundred is a lot! I don't think I could even break it down to a thousand lines, let alone ten hundred.

Star Wars reminded me that Junior High was fun. It seemed to stink at the time but it was great looking back now. Without Junior High I wouldn't have half of the Facebook friends I have today. Junior High wasn't that fun for The Dekalb Cardinals Pony League baseball team last night. We played in the rain and couldn't hold onto the ball and were destroyed like 22-8. It seemed more like football weather (and a football score). We are now 3-3 with about 20 games left in the regular season. We made about 20 games worth of errors last night so maybe we will go error-less for the rest of the season. I usually partially blame myself for our losses but I can't control dropped balls and bad throws. Some of the boys were late because of a school dance and a couple were late because of a band concert so we have a lot of excuses. That's what sports are...creatively trying to figure out why it wasn't your fault. We'll get 'em Saturday. You learn a lot more from losing than you do from winning. We learned a lot last night.

I started a blog glossary (blogsarry) yesterday and put it over there in the left margin <-------. Kind of a scorecard for those of you playing at home. Please refer to it whenever I kajunkle a word in here. More times than not I will probably remember to add the words but if I do not have a word in there that should be please let me know and Ms. Peabody and I will get right on it. It's actually Roz's department but she has Cheese and Quackers working for her and they're not always up to the task (TWSS).

Today I am going to go to the theater and see what new movie is going to change the World. MacGruber, Letters to Juliet, Furry Vengeance? I'm probably going to have to see MacGruber. I have loved Saturday Night Live since it started two years before Empire Strikes Back came out. There have been hundreds of regular characters that I have enjoyed over those years. MacGruber isn't one of the characters I would pick as in my top ten hundred SNL characters and I was surprised it was made into a movie. That may be a good enough reason to see the movie. It will probably be a game of roulette; whichever movie starts closest to the time I get there.

I saw a Haagan-Dazs (ka-ching) commercial yesterday showing them traveling around the World trying to find the best ingredients. I thought that was Kashi's (ka-ching) thing. No wait, maybe it's Samuel Adams (ka-ching). No, that's not right, it's Snapple (ka-ching-aroo). I need to start a food/beverage company so I can travel around the the World looking for ingredients. Maybe it's like riding my bike over to eat lunch in a cemetery or driving four or five cities away to see a movie to review. I just have to get this blog to a national or better yet, an international, level so I can take bigger trips in the name of my passion. I searched the world for the best blogging material on Earth and it has brought me to the far reaches of...
Sycamore (the County Seat) paying the property taxes two days ago I saw an extended cab Chevy (ka-ching) pick-up that was a convertible with the top down. It looked like the Kennedy motorcade and it would have seemed more at home in Texas. Who has a convertible pick-up truck? Let alone a dual-cab convertible pick-up. I wish I had had my camera with me. It's probably easier playing mailbox baseball in a convertible. These were older folks though so they are probably more into mailbox golf or mailbox shuffleboard.

Now that I pay most of our bills on-line I find that I wait until the due dates to pay them. Why do I wait until the due date? The money is in the bank when I get the bill. What if I wait and the computer kajunkled (see new blogsarry for terms in the left margin <----)? I thought people only hoarded their money if they had lived through The Great Depression...oh wait we're in the more greaterer depression now right? I will keep hoarding; I'm such a hoard!

I am really tired this morning. These early mornings are catching up with me. I hope I can stay awake at the theater. Sugar Momma and Splenda are in Carbondale and my son has a birthday party at 5:00 tonight. Alone again, naturally. Maybe I will lay or probably lie in the hammock at 5:00 and watch the clothes dry if the rain stays away. I have to come clean with you (laundry pun)...I just worked the hammock into the blog so I could use one of the pictures I took the other day when I was taking photos of the clothesline. I want our blogging relationship to be based on honesty so I just wanted to let you know that. Now that I blogged it the hammock does sound pretty good though. Am I controlling the blog or is the blog controlling me?

Well, I gotta get the garbage out and start my son's (blog name pending) engine and make his lunch. I wish he'd just take hot lunch. Getting the garbage out is not a euphemism in the blogsarry as "posting the blog" either so, very funny, ha ha. I also have to do some tile in the kitchen today or tomorrow. It's always a good thing to have a party (like a graduation party...). It forces you to do all those things to your living quarters that you don't do on a regular basis. Sometimes it comes down to something as simple as dusting the stairs or cleaning out the refrigerator. That's the real reason we Middles have people over and it's also the reason that we seldom have people over.

Have a nice Friday. Hi to Sugar Momma and Splenda if they read this in Carbondale before their busy day on campus. It seems like it's gonna be gloomy here in the Middlewest but it's supposed to be spring or summer weather for the next couple of days after the winter weather last night. It's a good day for a movie or two. I will post this now and catch and change all of the typos throughout the next couple of hours...I am a freak. Blog you tomorrow!

** empire strikes back photo hyper-spaced from hauseon.com, better stuff photo traveled the world from brandweek.com and norman rockwell baseball print traced from rcaus.org **

"Where the White Women at?"

"Where the white women at?" is one of my favorite lines from Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles though there are hundreds of funny lines in that movie. I actually have an answer finally; in Carbondale. Sugar Momma and Splenda (my new blog name for my daughter) are heading to Carbondale, home of Southern Illinois University, this morning for a couple of days. Sugar Momma and I went there and now Splenda is going there in the fall. She gets to pick out her classes and maybe meet her roommate and see her dorm room. I really want to go but we have two baseball games in the next three days so it isn't possible. SIU is a beautiful campus and there are a lot of great memories when I am down there. There will be plenty of trips to Carbondale very soon.

I went and paid the property taxes yesterday. Almost $7,000.00. That's a rough one every year. Fortunately we're still able to do it. I am sure there are plenty of people who are struggling with property taxes this year. I also went to the bank yesterday to kajunkle my money away from my Merrill Lynch account. I opened an Individual Retirement Account (IRA) at my local bank so I can move my retirement money there so it can better serve us. I felt like a bootlegger's wife.

When I got home I let Maisy (our dog) out to do her business. She's always been good about doing what she has to do and immediately coming back to the door and we let her back in. She has it pretty cushy here. Yesterday, however, she didn't come right back so I went out front to look for here. She has been limping the last few days and I felt her leg and foot and she seems to be fine. Splenda said she went to jump up on her bed and banged her knee or something and started limping. So, when I went to look for her I saw her across the street in the new neighbor's yard. I called for her and she just looked at me and then headed toward the end of the cul-de-sac; the complete opposite direction and she didn't appear to be limping. I chased her (I walked actually) for about three blocks. She eventually got tired and sprawled out in the shade panting. I think this was a fake limp to pull a Shawshank on me. She is limping again but I'm not falling for that again. She's on lockdown...leash tied to a tree for her business now. I found this photo of her (I call this photo Sherman and Ms. Peabody). It's Maisy and her boy Sherman (actually it's my son portraying Sherman). Maybe she was running away because we didn't get her contact lenses or lasik? Doesn't she know I am on the government cheese, property taxes were just paid, Splenda is going to college in the fall and we're trying to juggle all this stuff and keep the American dream alive? We don't have the extra money for dog lasik surgery right now for dog sake!

Why do they make a stupid movie about Marmaduke (who sounds like Owen Wilson) when there are better dogs like Mr. Peabody to make movies about?

Someone I know had their golden birthday yesterday (your age on the same day of the date of your birth). He became 19 on the 19th. How does that work if you're born on leap year day? It may work but I am too dim-witted to even try to decide if it does.

There are new people officially moved into "The Old Simmons Place" across the street. Do you think it's too soon to tell them that the place is haunted? That's probably what Maisy was over there trying to do. She is an amateur exorcist (she's not very good at it). I have an in with the great beyond since I get up at 3:00 every morning (spiritual) and have lunch with dead people (Joseph Glidden) so I can handle any supernatural event that may occur. But it's nice to know that Ms. Peabody has my back.

I rode my bike to the dry cleaners to drop off clothes yesterday (I haven't mattstered dry cleaning yet) and got home and wondered what that was in my pocket. Maybe I have a pocket full of krytonite. Nope I had a pocket full of clothes pins. Clothes pins really work. I use the wooden ones that are spring-loaded like tongs not the solid peg-type ones with no moving parts. My new clothes line seems to be in a wind tunnel and though the clothes try their hardest they cannot escape. It's some kind of a punk rock slam dance out there but they cannot escape. The dude who invented the clothes pin was really on the ball. Probably invented in the Middle of the U.S..

My son got home from school and called me to ask if he could take some money out of the change jar to get some ice cream from the ice cream man. (we used to call him the ding-ding man because he rang a bell but now they play creepy music instead). I said he could and he said, "why thank you my good man." It cracked me up. I don't know where that came from but I think I may have found my heir-apparent for when I am too senile to continue this blog (probably a week or two).

Last night I made steak fajitas and guacamole. Splenda is a vegetarian so dinner is almost always a production but this was easy. I do the veggies first while I cook the steak on the grill, take her veggies out and then add the steak for the rest of us. This wasn't the best way as the steak was a bit bland. I didn't season the steak before grilling it because I figured it would season with the veggies and the fajita seasoning. I figured wrong. The meat was sealed by the grilling so no seasoning could make their way to the meat. It was still good but I expect better from my cooking. Whatever happened to my nice stir-fry pan (wok)? There's deception afoot in my kitchen. The guacamole was good but I forgot lime so I had to use lemon...a little different. I just added more cowbell (cilantro and garlic in this case). While I was scooping and mashing the avocados I thought of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. I thought I had heard that they had an avocado and citrus farm in San Diego. What happened to the farm? If you're looking for someone who knows nothing about avocado farming to move in and pound out the guacamole shoot me an email. I will watch after the farms as though it were my own.

All the photos in today's blog are my photos. I am actually starting to write this blogically (I need to contact Urban Dictionary again). It is probably short-lived because I can't take photos of everything I write about but I can some so I will when I can. Also, I generally don't know what I am going to write; I write it as it flows out of me noggin' (or maybe my bloggin').

One more day until Friday. With the ladies out of town and junior blogger in school tomorrow I may have to drive to "the valley" and review a movie. Any suggestions? What movie do you want to know about. Don't be shy I will even see Sex and the City 2 (oh rats, that doesn't start until Thursday, phew). Maybe I will go early and sneak into a second theater and review two? I really know how to live when the wife is out of town don't I?

Thank you for all of your kind words about this blog. I really enjoy doing it and it does this old codger good to know that he might brighten someone else's stressful day even if just for a moment. Ha, I said old codger. Remember, tomorrow is Friday; if you feel like calling in sick and joining me for a movie tomorrow let me know. When I write the blog I will not mention you were there. Better yet, take a vacation day and I can mention you were there. Hasta!

I Eat with Dead People!

Taylor Swift won another big award yesterday. I am not too familiar with her music but she seems very talented and what I hear seems pretty good. This truly seems to be her time to shine. - - This is Kanye West - - I'm sorry but Alicia Keys and I have two of the best blogs of all time.

Wow, that was weird but now just watch my blog take off since Kanye is the best P.R. man in the business (on topsy-turvy day). I am the Orson wells of blogging. You have just witnessed the birth of blogging theater (patent/trademark/copyright...).

I had gotten busy and hadn't worked out since Friday until yesterday. Wow, if you're working out on a regular basis don't stop. It's like starting all over again after just a few days missed (actually I only missed one day). I hear it's good to shock your system once in a while so maybe this is what they mean by that. My arms still ache this morning and I did the same workout I usually do. I am older than I was Friday so maybe that is part of it too?

After my workout I decided to run some errands around town. I packed a lunch and threw it into my backpack and got on the bicycle. I did my errands and thought to myself, "Self, where should you eat lunch?" Remember yesterday I wrote about Joseph Glidden and the invention of barbed wire? Well, I decided to have lunch with Joseph Glidden, one of the most important people to the history of our country. Of course the day I ride through the cemetery is the day they are repaving the roads through the cemetery and trimming the trees. It's bad enough I feel like a ghoul stalking a dead guy but now you get really strange looks when you're dressed with a shirt that has Captain America's shield pictured on it eating lunch sitting on the steps of a crypt. I have nothing but respect for the dead and I love cemeteries. My favorite cemetery that I have been to is the one in Key West, Florida. So, as I was eating my pastrami, pepperjack and horseradish sandwich I looked down at the water bottle I carry that my daughter put in my stocking for Christmas and thought it would be a cool photo but maybe it's creepy I'm not sure. It is intended as artistic and to respect the dead. In addition to Joseph Glidden, whose crypt also houses the remains of Annie Glidden, there are the names on crypts and mausoleums of people whose names now adorn Dekalb's streets and buildings. It's like the local version of one of those Hollywood cemeteries.

I was watching "America The Story of Us" Westward episode last night and I think Disney screwed up having Fess Parker play both Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone. I loved Fess Parker and, as a kid, I loved Boone and Crockett but Disney did a disservice to these men because now I cannot tell them apart. I think I could separate them more in my pea brain if they had been played by different actors. Disney, you need to remake these shows as movies with Hugh Jackman as Davy Crockett and Russell Crowe as Daniel Boone. It seems like I have a thunder down under fetish. I will be happy to review these movies when they are complete. Maybe Boone and Crockett looked exactly alike? If that is the case Hugh Jackman is fine in both roles.

I extended my clothes line yesterday (TWSS). It is retractable so I just put another hook in the fence further down so now it runs angular. This is how it begins with the neighborhood turning on you. It starts simple but then it gets out of control. I'm Jonesin' for clothes lines. Cheese and Quackers (our resident ducks) were watching me hang out the clothes yesterday. I managed to capture some photos of them.

Yesterday I mentioned that I would talk about my daughter's Constitution test. I think it's great that we know most of the information for the test but have you ever used the 2/3 vote or simple majority vote information that you learned? You know I love history (don't know much about science book) but why do we need to know facts like that?

Sugar Momma said she wants to try camping again. The last time we went and, yes it was a long time ago, it was a disaster. My daughter got poison ivy and it was hotter than Satan's sandals (trademark/patent). Sugar Momma hates the heat. The ladies slept in the car with the air conditioner running all night while my son and I slept in the tent inhaling fumes. That explains a lot actually. She thinks if we buy a bigger tent everything will be different. The kids are a lot older now so I am game. I better take two or three notebooks with me for blog notes.

Tonight is The Middle and Modern Family. If you don't watch those shows you need to start. They are both hilarious. One day I think The Middle is better and then the next week I think Modern Family is better. I read somewhere that Fizbo (Cameron's clown alter-ego) is going to make an appearance again next season. I think Cam should start a birthday clown business to get out of the house once in awhile so we can see Fizbo once a season or so. We always made fun of housewives for watching Soap Operas but aren't all shows soap operas really? Especially the reality shows.

Have a Fizbo Wednesday. I will be uptown at the bank and The Walmarts (people used to call Jewel Foods "The Jewels") if you're looking for me. I can't wait to "see" you again tomorrow. I miss you already.

(Disclaimer - Kanye West didn't really take over my mouse and keyboard. This was just a dramatic portrayal of what could happen for the sake of blogging. I apologize if anyone was alarmed or hurt by this stunt.)

**all photos are mine except for fizbo which was sprayed with a lapel flower from tvfanatic.com**

Bruschetta and Barbed Wire; what a combo

**pre-blog-warning - this blog includes a recipe so it's not as long as it looks (TWSS)** (TWSS = that's what she said from now on for you regulars keeping score)

The worst thing about liking to cook is that you are forced to like to do dishes. Frozen dinners and/or eating out are so much easier at cleanup time. Last night for dinner I made spaghetti and tried my hand at bruschetta. Spaghetti I have done a million times. My mom worked while I was in junior high and high school so I learned to cook at an early age and spaghetti was probably one of the first things I learned. Bruschetta I never learned but I taught myself last night. It was very good so I will share the recipe with you. If it stunk I would not share the recipe because I like you; I would keep working it until it didn't stink and then I'd share the recipe with you. That's one of the fun things about teaching yourself and coming up with your own recipes. You get to taste while you're creating and change it until it is good. Cooking is a mini version of life itself. If you didn't like the path it's headed in change it. Easier said than done in life.

Yesterday I added the movie review section in the sidebar area over there <-------- so now I will add a recipe area over there <--------- too. I will include it here in my main blog when I first do it so I can tag it. That way I can go back and find it when I'm having a Middle moment and can't remember how I made my gourmet dish. So, here's my newly Helser-house famous bruschetta...enjoy:


brushetta ingredients
6 ripe plum tomatoes
3 cloves of garlic (minced)
I TBS extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)
1 tsp balsamic vinegar
1/2 pound Kalamata olives
1/2 pound fresh mozzarella (I used those little balls)
4-5 oz of fresh feta cheese
8-9 fresh basil leaves (we grow our own)
sea salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

toast ingredients
1 loaf french bread (italian is ok too)
1/2 - 1 cup of extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)

Bring a medium sauce pan of water to a rolling boil.
Remove pan from heat and gently drop the tomatoes into hot water.
Leave them in the hot water for about a minute so skins separate from tomato "meat"
Drain water and tomatoes into a colander and peel and discard skins.
Once peeled cut the tomatoes into quarters and remove the stem areas, seeds and juice.
Make sure one of your oven racks is on the very top (inside) of your oven and preheat oven to 450*
While the oven is heating chop the tomatoes into very small cubes
put tomatoes, garlic, 1 TBS of EVOO, balsamic vinegar in a bowl and mix
chop the basil leaves and add them to the tomato mix
chop the Kalamata olives and add to the mix to taste
add the mozzarella balls and crumble in the feta cheese
add salt and pepper to taste

put the bowl in the fridge and let the newly introduced guests (ingredients) get to know each other in the bowl while you get the bread (toast) ready

slice the bread diagonally in 1/2" thick slices (the bruschetta will cause the toast to fall apart if sliced too thin)
coat one side of each slice with EVOO using a pastry brush
place coated slices (coated side up) on a cookie sheet
place pan on top shelf/rack of oven and cook 5-6 minutes
I like them a little toastier so I then put them under the broiler until light brown

Ready to serve. Either serve the bread and bruschetta in separate dishes and let people top the bread with the bruschetta themselves or if you want to serve the bread "pre-bruschetta'd" top the bread right before serving or the bread will become soggy and ruin all of your great toasting efforts. So endeth the recipe!

I should have taken a picture...I always remember to do that when it's too late


Last night while enjoying the best bruschetta I have ever had I was watching one of the 15 or so episodes of "America The Story of Us" that I DVR'd this past weekend from History Channel. I watched the episode entitled "Heartland." I would have called it "Middleland" but that's why I just write a blog and don't program for History Channel. I guess the heart is in the Middle isn't it? One of the coolest parts for me was that they mentioned Joseph Glidden (barbed wire inventor). Joseph Glidden is from here - Middle Dekalb, Illinois. I live less than 1/2 mile from Annie Glidden road. Our high school mascot is barbed wire (sort of). Seriously, we are the Dekalb Barbs (no kidding). I always thought it was embarrassing being called the Dekalb Barbs but not when History Channel says barbed wire "made possible the settling of the West much sooner and more efficiently than it would have occurred otherwise." Without barbed wire and Middle America this country might not have flourished. That can also be said for thousands and thousands of other ideas and inventions too. It shows that no matter how small of a thing you think you are working on it could make a tremendous difference in the history of the entire world. Keep working on what someone might call your hair-brained ideas Middles! Change the world for the better! I got off the track a bit (not a railroad westward expansion joke). If you get a chance (actually, make a chance) watch one of these History Channel "America The Story of Us" episodes. It is awe-inspiring. It's probably the best historical-based series since "Roots" or "Band of Brothers." The difference being that this show does not use actors...the stories and facts are the story. Episodes can also be viewed on History.com (History Channel) or they can be downloaded on iTunes. I am watching the Civil War episode right now on this computer probably because of Joseph Glidden. New episodes air Sundays at 8:00 PM (Middle/Central time).

I have so much more to write but this is getting long (TWSS). I even have something to write about my daughter's Constitution test which fits with History Channel and all. Darn bruschetta recipe. Remember where we are and we'll talk again tomorrow. Have a Tuesday. That's it...have a Tuesday. Talk to you tomorrow...see you on Facebook :)

** bruschetta photo finely chopped from taheny.com because I forgot to take a photo, history channel photo expanded west from pfey.typepad.com & barbed wire photo rustled away from timecapsule.phasedraft.com**