My Last Will & Testament

First and foremost Happy 22nd Anniversary Sugar Lumps! In college I called her "Juggs", "Special Name" and "Sweet Meat" (wow those are all bad nicknames). She called me "Sweetness" and "Fart". Now her friends have new names to call Sugar Momma; won't she be thrilled? ("No", the answer to that question is probably "no"). She was the flower of my youth, my Sweet Baboo, the Shields to my Yarnell (where the heck did that come from?), the swizzle that stirs my drink....

I didn't have to make a lunch today for my son because they are having pizza at school. I asked, "is that for everyone or just certain people?" He said "I don't know." I pushed and found out it's because he's doing well in his classes. He has gone to the "honors breakfast" all three quarters this year and has only missed one day of school (that one was to take him and my daughter to Milwaukee to see the Cardinals play the Brewers, he got an Albert Pujols foul ball so he says it was worth it). He's a good athlete and a good student, a kind person and an over-all great guy. My daughter is a good athlete and student too. Now she works a lot, is President of Eco Buds (ecology club in high school) and is going off to college to pursue her "gift" of graphic design and computers. She's one of the kindest and nicest people I know. Sugar Momma and I have done something pretty special over the past 22 years. I am humbled by what my life has become and often take it for granted. Now if I could just find some buried treasure while digging up bushes or something... (see how I changed the subject just as I got all teary-eyed?...I need to give into the tender side but there's an over-ride switch in most males that won't let that happen - we can go to the brink but then we do the fake yawn and "OVER-RIDE").

I am out of my one day funk - It may appear that my 28-cycle calendar was a couple of days off. That whole deal isn't an exact science anyway I have found over the years. My "Matt Mensies" calendar was marked on March 26th which would have made April 22nd the 28-day mark but, like anything, maybe it has a +/- of 7 days. I will mark yesterday down as a "blue day" and see next month what the calendar brings...I know you can hardly wait. I AM like Steven Hawking and Albert Einstein only with laundry and 28-day cycles. I am a Domestic Scientist / Researcher who is open to any grants and funding available.

I originally started this blog because I like to write and Sugar Momma believes in me and my writing abilities and, though she probably wouldn't say it this directly, hates to see my natural talents going to waste. I have always wanted to be a person who made a difference. I think most people have that want somewhere in their psyche. I am still hopeful for this blog to lead to something but I am not as delusional as I make out. I am happy that I entertain 17 "followers" plus the others who I know read from time to time that are not yet "followers." I think of this blog as more of a journal so that when my total memory loss (it becomes more and more evident each day) arrives I can have someone read it to me (because my sight will be gone too) and I can ask, "what in the wide wide world of sports is that dab-blam idiot jibber-jabberin' about?"

That last paragraph made me think.."why do we strive to live longer?" I would love to live longer if you could tack those years onto my life in my twenty's or thirty's but you tack them onto the end when I don't know who I am or can't control my own bodily functions and I have to say "no thanks." If I didn't like my kids "maybe" but I don't want to do that to them either. Just let me go when I'm supposed to go. Speaking of going, my family all knows this but maybe in writing it's more legal or something, so I will commit it to the ages! When I die I want to be cremated and want my ashes taken by those who loved me (or just want a vacation) to an ocean. I am not particular as to which one. I want my ashes poured (maybe sprinkled like Parmesan cheese onto spaghetti) into the sea. Whenever they feel the urge to "visit" me they can go to any coastline in the world and I'll be there. If I ever get to live in that windmill on a tropical beach it would be really easy. I don't even care if you burn me in a pig roast on the beach and let the wind take me to sea; what do I care, I'm dead. I want the rage and the calm of the waves to be my voice and the sound of the ocean you hear in conch shells to be mine. Wow that sounds really poetic (the last part not the burning me at a pig roast part).

Happy Anniversary again Toni Tenille to my Daryl Dragon, Cher to my Sonny (or is that Lady Gaga to my Ron Jeremy?). I love you and can't wait until you have to read this blog to me so I can remember how special you are to me. When reading this back to me make it in Bora Bora or Jamaica so you can smoke me and toss me and get on with your life. That's my eternal wish for you my love!

Maybe you could just take me to the Mississippi and tell me it's Tahiti; eventually I'd reach an ocean. Adieu, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow...

"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have 'The Facts of Life, The Facts of Life'..."

(Shields & Yarnell photo mimed from tvparty.com, buried treasure photo pirated from automotoportal.co & Sonny & Cher and rainbow photos are mine so others can start stealing my photos for their blogs now)

The Adventures of Matty Appleseed

I am feeling very melancholy today. I go through these mini bouts of depression and I think I am entering one now. I get depressed that I am not working full-time. This must be how housewives of the 1950's and 1960's felt. They worked their tails off everyday all day long but felt like they weren't contributing. I honestly don't know how all this stuff got done when we were both working full-time. Maybe that's why I was so stressed all the time; that and working a job I hated. I have applied for eight jobs this week but who knows? I am a Middle-aged guy who is competing with people half his age for jobs that I am over-qualified for; enough of poor me and my self-pity party. I spoke with a guy yesterday that I worked with at "The Bureau" (Census). He hasn't gotten a call back yet about doing the next phase of the Census either. I will call them today; I hope Barack takes my call.

I finished all the laundry yesterday including all of the bedding. I went against my earlier postings and put more towels on the line for drying. These weren't as sandpapery. I don't know if it's that I didn't keep them on the line as long or the drying process was more wind than sun but I have become obsessed with finding out. This must be how Steve Hawking is about working on the time and space thingy or how Al Einstein was with that whole theory of relativity dealy.

Did you hear that Hugh Hefner bought the land around the "HOLLYWOOD" sign? I found it amusing that he bought the "Hollywood" "land" because the sign originally said "HOLLYWOODLAND". I am easily amused. I think it's great that he bought that land so no one could buy it and build houses there. It's part of Americana. Just what we'd want to see is some of these instantly-rich eighteen-year-old vampire actors building their quadrillion dollar mansions right into the letters. I'd like to buy a vowel.

When I went to the store the other day I made the cardinal mistake and went while I was hungry. I still did well even though I was hungry. On the way home I realized I was starving so I reached into the back and grabbed an apple out of the bag. I always find it romantic somehow when people are eating apples for snacks. I think apples are one of the perfect foods. They're good for you, they're nature's toothbrush, they tell the future (twist the stem to find out who your true love is) and, it's okay to throw them on the side of the road because you're feeding other animals and maybe growing a tree. I'm Matty Appleseed. That makes me think - wasn't Johnny Appleseed just a hobo (my dream job). How can you go wrong by eating an apple...well, there was that one time and now we have to wear clothes.

Do you know which alcoholic beverage is the only spirit that is a stimulant rather that a depressant? I learned this on "Great Cocktails" on the Fine Living network. Tequila is the only booze that is a stimulant. I guess it's because it comes from the agave plant. Maybe that's what I'll do today "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." Oh yeah, I have to coach baseball tonight...I'd better start early.

I got roped into managing one of those stupid "Happy Islands" on Facebook. I can't even manage my own life and now I'm in charge of making hundreds of guests on my islands happy. What makes us want to do things on-line like: run a farm, take care of a puppy, develop and manage two islands. Do we need more stress? I don't! What the heck do I know about F.A.A. regulations that qualifies me to plop my airstrip wherever I want? I don't know the first thing about shipping lanes or the arctic current yet I move my cruise ship dock whenever and wherever I want. I have designed and developed an entire country club but I have never even shot par. Do I need more stress or is it escapism? It's a pretty fine line and I think I have to abandon my island. I wish they'd offer options like: tsunamis or earthquakes or volcanoes or something. Then it would be like real-life in the World of late.Speaking of islands - in the original King Kong if they were so afraid of that huge ape running-amuck on Skull Island why did they build a door big enough for him to go through?

Have a nice day as long as you don't live on my Happy Island (maniacal laugh)

(johnny appleseed graphic from appleparmuseum,co, hollywoodland sign photo from publicadress.net, tequila photo from ajs.com & skull island graphic from eagleonemedia.com)

It's "T" Time!

I woke up at 3:00AM as usual and was able to go back to sleep this time. I worked-out later than usual yesterday (late afternoon) so maybe that helped. I still did wake up at 3:00 but got a couple of more hours after that. The spirits and nature were calling (the real nature not the Middle-aged in the Middle of the night nature).

Yesterday was a great day for hanging laundry on the line until later in the afternoon when it got chilly again. It was breezy and warm during the day and the sheets and pillow cases smelled great at bedtime. It actually makes the whole bedroom smell Springy. I am just about at ground zero with laundry.

I also mowed the lawn yesterday. It was a little cool when I did it mid-morning but I wore a tank top so I could get some sun on my rice pudding-colored arms (mmmm rice pudding). That shirt used to be called a tank top or a muscle shirt when I was a kid. What did this poor garment do to the fashion industry that caused America to turn on it and now refer to it in so many terrible ways. Now it's the "(non-P.C. slang term for Italian person)-T" or the "wife-beater" (even if a hetero woman is wearing it)? Let's not blame the shirt simply because certain groups tend to gravitate toward it as their main fashion choice. Let's not discourage people from wearing these shirts. They look great on all women and I am tired of having a farmer's tan even if I do live in the Middle of a corn field. Let's bring back the tank top!

I was listening to Roz (my I-Pod) play her Earth Day playlist while bicycling back-and-forth across town yesterday (did about 10 miles) doing the errands I used to use a fancy motorcar for. Sting started serenading me with "All This Time." He sings about a "murder of crows" which made me think of a business of ferrets. I used to know all the weird group names of animals; I don't know why. I have always been huge into trivia and wanted to be ready in case Alex Trebek called I guess. Some of my favorites (not excluding crows/magpies and ferrets) are: a shiver or sharks, a barrel of monkeys, a mob or kangaroos, a bouquet of pheasants, a rhumba of rattlesnakes, a cloud of bats, a prickle of hedgehogs, a tower of giraffes... there are so many that I'd better stop but I wish I had been in charge of naming groups of animals though I doubt I could have topped these. Maybe if I discover a new species I can name the grouping. Anybody up for a trip to The Galapagos Islands? Did you hear they may have found Noah's Ark but it may be a hoax?

Last night while folding clothes fresh from the clothesline The Office was on TBS ("very funny"). It was the drug testing episode and there was mention of an Alicia Keys concert. Me, being a big believer in signs and karma and destiny..., figured it was a sign that I was going to get a call about the Alicia Keys blogger job. But then I thought that maybe the other 25 bazillion people who applied for the job are thinking the same thing. I hope they can deal with the disappointment that only I was right.

It sounds like this weekend S&M (Sugar Momma) and I are going to see "Date Night" ON date night (anniversary). I feel bad now that we didn't see "Valentines Day" on Valentine's Day. I think I have seen "Halloween" on Halloween (the original "Halloween" back in a former century). Next week I guess I can go see "Cinco De Mayo."

Speaking of movies (great segue huh?) I try to be a Matt of my word whenever it's convenient so here's my Top Ten movie list that I have been working on for pretty much my whole life. Some of them have to do with ground-breaking film-making and some have to do with emotion and what I was feeling or going through when I saw them originally. (disclaimer - all movie lists change constantly based on different circumstances but this is right now):


10. The Wizard of Oz
9. Forest Gump
8. Saving Private Ryan (Band of Brothers too but it's a "mini series")
7. Master and Commander: Far Side of the World
6. The Godfather (1 & 2)
5. Silence of the Lambs
4. Gladiator
3. Dances with Wolves
2. Schindler's List
1. Braveheart

(guilty pleasure movies - Top Gun, Surfer Dude, Animal House, Caddyshack, Bull Durham, The Dark Knight, Ironman)

Have a happy Hump Day! That's what a caravan of camels would do!

(Noah's Ark graphic copied off of ceoe.udel.edu, tank top photo sweated from dagekijkserstandaard.nl & top ten moves graphic plagiarized from cbsnews.com)

A Day In The Blog

I applied for the Alicia Keys blogger job yesterday so I am sure they are reading this right now. I'm not delusional. Surely I am not the demographic that first comes to mind when they think of a "head blogger" for a site called "I Am A Superwoman" but if they are creative and forward-thinking enough to realize this would help tap into additional markets they may go with me. And...I AM A SUPERWOMAN! I think it would be a better idea to have several different bloggers blogging from different points-of-view though that means more money on the payroll. I'll leave the tough decisions to people who know what they're doing. I'll just blog my little heart out.

The keys (not Alicia) on this keyboard and the left "clicker" on the mouse are sticky. I had to lay down the law to a certain 13-year-old boy about food and drink in this office. I already have a locking doorknob in the garage at "ready alert standby". I guess it's mouse and keyboard cleaning for today. Yesterday doing the laundry was great. The combination of wind and sun made drying the clothes on the line take only 10 - 15 minutes per load. Blankets and clothing do great but remember towels turn into sandpaper on the line outside...I didn't do towels yesterday. More laundry today because I am behind because of the Census job the last few weeks but I'll easily have everything washed today. Speaking of computers (keyboard and mouse) I heard that Sony is not going to make floppy disks anymore. This is the end of the floppy disk. It just reached MIDDLE-age (41 years) and now they are sending it to the scrap heap. I know how you feel old floppy friend; that's the same thing that's happening to millions of floppy middle-agers every day. Actually, I was surprised to learn that they still existed to be honest with you. That's probably what people say about me too.

I have to get out my Brokeback Mountain hat today so I can mow the lawn. I know what you're thinking...make sure you don't have any clothes on the line while you're mowing. Great advise, thank you.

Ryan Howard of the Philadelphia Phillies just signed a five-year $125,000,000.00 contract. I think he needs a blogger...better act fast Ryan I may be gobbled up like a slow-roller to first soon.

Sugar Momma's and my wedding anniversary is Friday. We will have been married for 22 years. She has almost lived with me as long as she did with her parents now (she was 23 when we got married). I'm sure she loves her age left to a simple math problem on a blog. There should be a name for the moment in your life when you live with your spouse longer than you did with your parents. We both want to see that Steve Carell/Tiny Fey vehicle (fancy word for movie to impress Alicia Keys' people) "Date Night" and we usually go for dinner for our anniversary. I really want to try one of Rick Bayless's restaurants (or is that Bayless' or Bayless'ssss?). I also saw on WGN Morning News this morning (Hi Robin, Paul, Pat, Dean and Ana) that a restaurant in Chicago (Alinea) was voted the #1 Restaurant in North America (#7 in the World) so there's always that. I am sure one of them will read this and decide to comp us for our anniversary so they can get the enormous press that only this blog can bring. I know the pressure would be on them to make a great impression because I may (but probably don't) have the ear (or eye) of World-famous Grammy Award-winning recording artist Alicia Keys' people right now. I am not hard to get ahold of Mr. Rick Bayless. All kidding aside I love Rick Bayless and I just"liked" him on my Facebook. In reality I will probably wait until the last minute like I do and we'll end up sneaking food into the movies (it's funny how they never see my fondue pot and extension cord). Let me know if you have any suggestions for "good eats that don't increase our seats" (trademark/patent/copyright... on that excellent phrase). That just came to me while I was typing like my hands did it on their own (I really like my new phrase - can you tell? - Happy Birthday "good eats that don't increase our seats" - could also be "good treats")

I love that we live so close to fields full of wind turbines (windmills). I can't believe some people think they are eyesores. They are really cool (pun intended) and show that we actually do care about our planet. Even at night the red lights blink simultaneously. To hate windmills is to hate Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! I wish I could live in a windmill and park my Smart Car (which I don't really have) next to one. Didn't the grandpa or maybe the Potts family live in a windmill in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" (talk about a SMART car) or was that just Caractacus' laboratory? Anyway, that's my new dream but I'd like my windmill to be on a tropical ocean beach so I could harness the waves too. A boy's gotta dream.

Well, dreaming isn't gonna get the laundry finished, my work-out worked-out, the groceries bought, the lawn mowed and every other thing I have to do today done so...M-Blog Out (still not quite there)

(Rick Bayless photo "sifted" from delish.com, floppy disk photo "pirated" from oldcomputers.net & windmill.chitty chitty bang bang photo "kidnapped" from windmillworld.com)

I Am Blogging Hear Me Roar!

Yesterday I blogged that I was hoping that someone would offer me a job as a blogger not knowing that there actually is such a job as a blogger. I love writing this blog and have enjoyed writing as long as I can remember. When I was young my family would go on vacations across the country by car and my mom, trying to maintain her sanity and help us pass the time so we wouldn't fight all the way from Illinois to California, would have us write papers about our trip. I think that's when my love for writing began. I had forgotten about that until just this morning. I wonder if she kept any of those writings. Well, after reading my blog yesterday, one of my "peeps", Deb, commented that Grammy Award-winning artist Alicia Keys is conducting a search for a new blogger for her website IAAS.com (I Am A Superwoman).
You may remember I said I am 47% woman in my March 19th blog. Well, working for this website would actually tip the scales to about 58% woman...that would be awesome (I mean "Super"). Thanks for the tip Deb. If you run into Ms. Keys ('cause I'm nasty) in South Carolina make sure you put in a good word for me. Who better to promote superwomen than me? Let's see if good things happen to good people in the Middle. Wish me luck everyone...you knew me when. Lucky for you Middles don't forget where they came from.

I had to go down and make my son's lunch; did you miss me? Peanut butter & jelly sandwich, chips, orange (quartered), hard boiled egg, snack cake (think it's a Nutty Bar this week), two juice boxes and a fruit cup. Not really exciting but that's what he likes.

While I was downstairs I got my notebook too. She's getting pretty full. I think she needs a name. Why do I feel I have to name everything? Pretty soon my blog is going to be turned into a Disney or Pixar movie with talking notebooks and I-Pods and me getting a blogging job working for Alicia Keys. Definitely sounds like a fairytale. Stranger things have happened and crazier movies have been made. Well, you know my I-Pod is named Roz so what would be a good name for a friend of an I-Pod named Roz? How about Flo? I will not name her quite yet...give me some suggestions. Maybe she's a he (the love interest). The notebook and Roz do spend a lot of time alone together in my pocket. They have plenty of time to develop a relationship. This really COULD be a children's book and movie. Music and voice of Roz provided by....yep, Alicia Keys!

The other night Sugar Momma fell asleep on the couch. I asked her why she slept on the couch and she said she just fell asleep. "I was out like a light," was her exact response. I am not really sure what that means considering when I wake up in the morning there's ALWAYS at least two lights that were left on all night. Were those lights "on like a prom dress?" "Out like a light" doesn't mean what it did when I was a kid. You remember those days..walking twelve miles to school in twenty feet of snow, up hill both ways with sandwich bags for shoes. Maybe we should change the phrase to "out like a cellphone I forgot to put on the charger".

I am not really sure what this means but I wrote it in my notebook so I know it's extremely important. "Everything is important to someone." Looking at the notes around it in the notebook I see I was writing it while at Jill's work get-together. I think people were making conversations and talking about things that didn't interest the listeners and I could see it on the listeners' faces. That "somebody save me" or "get me outta here" look. It reminded me that no matter what a subject is there is someone who finds it very important and we should all be good listeners because we have all been on the other end. You know how it feels. People like to be listened to and appreciated. Be polite and really listen. Putting my soapbox away now.

Okay, off to change my life and apply to become Alicia Keys' blogger. I Am A Superwoman!

(superwoman graphics taken from sweetanniesjewelry.worpress.com and againstmybetterjudgement.files.wordpress.com, lights photo pilfered from geekologie.com & Alicia Keys photo stolen from pleasedontstare.com) I realize that if I get the Alicia Keys blogging job I will really have to get permission to use graphics prior to using them but I'm sure she has "people" who do graphics ;)

I Make Good BM's

So, Friday night we went out with people from Sugar Momma's works past and present. The best thing I learned is that most of them read this blog and they now call Jill Sugar Momma at work. Then a couple of them mentioned that they sometimes call her S&M for short. I thought I had removed all of those photos from the internet. Anywho, listening to them talk about work and the office politics made me happy that I don't have to deal with all that right now. There are politics in my two part-time jobs and even in Pony League baseball but it isn't at the same level. Full-time job politics change the way you sleep and think; I am not looking forward to that again. Maybe my blog will go viral and someone will offer me a job as a blog writer (is that a job?) and I will create my own office politics. I would probably consider a book deal too I suppose. Side note - ladies don't say at one of these get-togethers "I always thought (fill in name) would make a good husband" when YOUR husband is sitting right next to you, hypothetically.

Yesterday I had White Castle for lunch and greasy pizza for dinner. My body is letting me know that it is used to the new way of life and doesn't appreciate me cheating on it. Maybe it was all the Malibu & diet's sitting out by the fire last night. Either way, I was a bad boy gastronomically yesterday and I am being punished. "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time - don't do it."

Tonight "The Amazing Race" returns to CBS. This will be the first one since my son's Amazing Race team was stripped of their 3" plastic trophies. I wonder if watching it tonight will be different than B.A.R. (Before Amazing Race)? The Amazing Race (Middle school edition) has never been mentioned at his school since the race. Not on the announcements, not in the hallways, not on the bathroom stalls, nowhere. His team was wrong in "knowing" they would be the laughing stocks of all Middle schools nation-wide.

Our fist baseball game is tomorrow (opening day). We are playing the Cardinals. "The Cardinals?" you ask, "I thought you were the Cardinals." We are the Dekalb Cardinals and we are playing the Sycamore Cardinals. I hope they don't have red jerseys or the scorecard won't help. We do have blue hats and blue socks in hopes that they go with the traditional red socks and hats to make it a little easier. Let's hope they didn't have the same thought. We had practice yesterday and I threw B.P. (batting practice). My son and I went to the Church of Baseball again today and I threw him some more B.P.. And I am doing it again tomorrow 90 minutes before the game. Being Middle-aged + B.P. three days straight = rag arm.

All of these acronyms remind me of this past Easter. Sugar Momma's brother and family and my parents came over. Before coming over my favorite sister-in-law (probably the best sister-in-law in all of the World - yes, she reads this blog) asked Sugar Momma if "Matt would make B.M.'s". I have been making B.M.'s for a long time and I am pretty good at it. There's a lot to consider when making a quality B.M.. You want a good B.M. to be kinda thick but not too chunky. Spicy is okay but not to the point that it burns. Too spicy can make a B.M. a very unpleasant experience. Nothing ruins a B.M. more than a burning sensation. You like some substance to your B.M. but not to the point that the liquid doesn't flow freely. People really seem to admire my B.M.'s when they first encounter them. If you like Bloody Marys I think you'd like mine. You aren't called Mattgarita without being able to produce a good B.M. as well as a margarita and now sangria.

I will post this and re-read (proofread) it several times and change any mistakes over the next couple of days. I have changed typos, missed words, changed intent...several times on EVERY blog I have done so far. I am a Middle Neurotic Blogger M.N.B.. I will blog you again tomorrow after I recheck this one a few more times. TTTM (ta ta til monday).

(white castle photo fron cravingtongue.wordpress.com & Amazing Race photo from jefferyland.com)

Sandpaper Towels

My son asked yesterday "What's wrong with this towel?' It was one of the ones that I had line-dried and it felt like sandpaper. It just struck me funny to hear "what's wrong with this towel?'

Baseball practice in an hour and a half. It will probably start raining again right as we get there. I wish that if it were gonna rain it would just start now so I can make the call whether or not to have practice...right now, practice on! It does seem to be getting darker though.

Last night Sugar Momma's work had a get together in a pub in Geneva. It was people who she worked with at a different "division" and people at her current division and she asked me to go. Most of the people she works and worked with are very nice but it's fun to sit back and watch people in these settings when you're just watching from the bleachers. You can see that certain people avoid other certain people. There's the body-language that says more than any words could ever say. I will talk more about that in tomorrow's blog because I am in kind of a hurry this morning with baseball practice and I have to work at noon at my part-time job that isn't the Census.

When I was driving to Geneva yesterday I saw quite a few vehicles (vans and SUV's) with stickers all over the back windows. You know the ones I mean. The ones that show every member of your family, including pets, and what they do. Sally is a ballerina and a judo champion. Billy is a rodeo clown and a football player. Our dog Muffintop is a Yorkie who can catch a ball. Now there are stickers that show all the hobbies the driver is into like: cross-county skiing, driving with window stickers and polo... Why do I need this information at 80 miles per hour on the tollway? How the heck can they even see out of the back window? I guess people want something to blog about so others are kind enough to put that out there so we have material. What are they advertising? Rrying to get a spot on the next Family Feud?

My daughter is going to Northern Illinois University for a graphics competition today. One of her teachers signed her up. She's not really even sure what it is but she is entered in two categories (Advertisement Design and Newspaper Layout). Her teacher told her that she's the best person he's ever had in this category. She really is amazing with computers and graphics and her college major is going to be Communication Design. She's really nervous but she will do great. I wish I had stickers to put on our cars.

Well, I have to go start my rounds. Thanks, as always, for stopping by. Hizzle on the the shizzle-dizzle out! (not quite there yet)

(sandpaper photos from paulssupplies.com and window sticker from familywindowstickers.net)

Whose Afraid Of The Big Bad Cilantro?

Happy Birthday Bill Shakespeare. Only 364 days to Earth Day!

I am PMs'ing but I think it's mild enough that I can keep it in check unless someone "tests" me today. My feeble friend upstairs (me brain) just cued Beyonce's "Single Ladies" in my head. Now I'm probably going to have to introduce "Single Ladies" to Roz.

I got my first hate mail from a blog yesterday. It was not hate aimed at me or the Mattinthemiddle blog per se rather the hatred for cilantro. I know I delve into some pretty controversial topics and I knew I was taking a chance talking about a sensitive subject like cilantro but that's what writers do...spark thought and conversation. One of my "peeps" from the beginning, oh so many blogs ago, Tricia (I am using her name because it's her name here and the one she used for the comment), was brave enough to tell the world that she suffers from cilantrophobia. We are here for you Tricia. I think we should start a cilantophobia support group. Tricia has offered a link (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/14/dining/14curious.html?emc=eta1) so we can better understand this debilitating affliction and help our friends who may not be able to experience our joy of cilantro. Since Tricia was so brave I will reveal what I have been trying to hide for years. "Hello, my name is Matt Helser and I suffer from mushroom-anemia and bean-thyria." Admitting it is the first step to recovery Tricia. We can lick (pun intended) these afflictions and still live normal lives! We'll get each other through this.

"Bloggestion" is now officially part of The Urban Dictionary.

I got an email from MLB (Major League Baseball) yesterday. They want me to vote for the All-Star teams. The season is about two weeks old and I'm supposed to know who I want to be on the All-Star team? This really frosts my cupcakes! It's just a popularity contest. It's not actually about who is playing well. I know people say it's about who played well last year but I want to see who is playing well now - this year's All Stars. Don't vote for the All-Star team! Maybe they'll change the voting then.

Who invented appetizers? When I go to dinner I am hungry or I wouldn't be eating dinner. I don't need appetizers to make me hungry - especially stuffed mushrooms or bean dip (deep breath).

I have ridden my bike a lot this week. I hope my asstroids don't flare up. I know you always thought hemorrhoids should be called asstroids too. Roz even played me a special "Earth Day" playlist yesterday while I peddled to GoodWill and went $1 shirt and shorts shopping. I need to take some of my "plus size" stuff to them soon too.

Jill said my Kenny Chesney hat makes me look like "Brokeback Mountain". I told her that at least those guys "got some". She said that's why guys would be great for each other. I'd be all for it: twice the wardrobe, someone to golf with, weekend trips to Vegas, a live-in drinkin' buddy, ballgames, nightly poker games, pickin' up chicks (could we still do that?)... I guess I did all that in college and I'm not ready for a commitment quite to this extent quite yet (not that there's anything wrong with that). One day I'll get the courage to "man-up" and watch that movie.

Ok, my time is up; I gotta "quit you" for today. Thanks for participating (comments here and on my Facebook) and reading my blog. If you want to email me you can do that too - mattgarita@msn.com or matt@mattgarita.com. Now go on with your day and good luck getting "Single Ladies" out of your hear. M-Hel out! (that one doesn't work either does it?)

(cilantro from cilantrokitchen.com, astroids from elsaelsa.com & Brokeback Mountain from greginhollywood.com)

Happy Earth Day! Get your Sangria here!

Thanks for letting me have my little fit yesterday. Remember my theory about men having the same 28-day cycles as women? Well, I looked at my calendar and on March 26th I marked on my calendar "Matt Mensies" which means my 28 days is here tomorrow so I am totally PMS'ing...(Pre-Mattstrual Syndrome). Look out for Hurricane Matt tomorrow.

If we start a neighborhood watch I've got dibs on the 3:00 AM shift.

Yesterday consisted of lots of laundry, grocery shopping twice (once by bicycle - no french bread loaf though), going to get the unemployment straightened out (never confident), dishes and kitchen cleaning like every day... Incidentally, towels feel like sandpaper when you dry them on the line. I tried both with and without fabric softener and it didn't make a difference. Line drying is great for the sheets though.

I also made Sangria yesterday to honor Earth's goodness (truthfully so I could get lit). I am not a wine drinker because most wines are too dry in my opinion and I am not a big fan of cotton-mouth. I liked the movie "Sideways" though so I want to like wine. I was watching Planet Green a couple of days ago while I was cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry like a real man and Emeril Lagasse was making paella on "Emeril Green". He also threw in, as an after-thought, Sangria so I hit the record button. Well he did it very fast and didn't say measurements or anything but he gave the basics so I came up with my own recipe and I think it turned out well though I made A LOT! Sugar Momma says I am a man of excess - isn't that what "man" means? Anyway, here's my Sangria recipe but I suggest you might want to cut the volume down unless you are having a small country over for dinner:
ingredients (I would suggest cutting the liquids in half)

3 liters of inexpensive Shiraz (Frontera Mendoza 2009)
1 cup of Grand Marnier
1 cup of brandy
1 cup of lime juice
3 limes
3 lemons
2 granny smith apples
2 large oranges
12 oz. sugar
33.8 oz sparkling water (Pellegrino)
64 oz. orange juice
ice

In a HUGE bowl slice the fruit and cover with sugar, mix. Add Shiraz and stir. Add ice to hold the fruit under while it drowns in the wine. Add Grand Marnier and brandy and stir. Add lime juice, orange juice and sparkling water and stir. Let sit for awhile so the tastes blend. Taste and add ingredients to taste (I added a little more lime juice and sugar). Find the biggest vessel you own for storage (mine is a pot like they used in those headhunter movies to cook people which is now sitting on our stove). Sweet and fruity just like me. Share with your friends/neighbors and your boss at review time.

I grilled burgers and made my house-famous cilantro corn-on-the-cob to go with the sangria. I used to make corn-on-the-cob and mix cilantro with the butter but now I don't use the butter (I still make it for my kids because they don't have to worry about their MIDDLES yet). Now I boil the water for the corn with the fresh cilantro in the water, add the corn, and cook as usual and when I drain the corn the cilantro hangs on for the ride - Cilantro Corn. Maybe Emeril will learn a thing or two about cooking from me too now! I experiment with cooking all the time and a lot of times it doesn't work but when it does it's worth all the times it didn't. Sometimes you get CILANTRO CORN!!

Sugar Momma came home from work yesterday and said everything she tried to talk about with her friends they already knew. They read it on my blog. She said that I "scooped her."

Tonight is the best night of coaching baseball - giving the boys their uniforms. That's all they ask about from the very first practice. No practice tonight - just meeting up for uniforms.

Yesterday's and today's blogs look longer than they are because of the poem and recipe. I don't know why I feel I have to keep apologizing for it being too long as we now know I am a man of excess. I just don't want "peeps" to think it's too long and be discouraged to read it. No recipes or poems tomorrow. (so many jokes in me noggin' I avoided in this paragraph. I don't have to always work blue...Earth is blue)

Have a great Earth Day today and do something that makes a difference to the life of our planet/home!

(laundry photo stolen from treehugger.com, sangria logo borrowed from mochau.com, sangria photo hijacked from trekearth.com)

Tanqueray and Chronic Well I'm Postal Now!

I gotta vent for a minute. I am sick and tired of trying to do the right things and getting screwed. I take on these part-time jobs because: A) I don't want to feel like a lazy loafer 2) they're the only things available right now C)the extra money helps to supplement the unemployment and 4) it's the right thing to do when you live in a society. I called in my unemployment today and I made too much money doing the Census and now I won't get my unemployment this week (for the past two weeks) which is going to make paying the bills hard again for the next two weeks. We'll do it because we're the brain-washed ones (The Middles) that don't try to screw the system. I went to the unemployment office before I started working this second job and apparently I am too feeble-minded to know how to play by the rules and not get screwed. Now I have to go back down there today and figure out how to unscrew my family. It will take at least two weeks to get de-screwed. Can I charge $2,000 for a de-screw like the government does for a screw? Now I don't know if I want to get called back for the next phase of the Census. Thanks for letting me try to vent but I DO NOT feel better yet. Maybe I'll start a telethon or a phony-bologna (or is it phongna-bologna or phony-bolony)foundation. Save The Helsers Foundation. The facilitators of those foundations get nice fat "administrative fees" right? ARRGGHHHHHH....

I gotta find my notebook before I burst a vessel...Ha...I wrote in my book yesterday while I was working in the yard (wearing my Kenny Chesney cowboy hat even though I don't listen to much country music) that I should start a commune. I think the idea of a commune is fairly nice but the drinking the Kool-aid or going all David Koresh or Charles Manson always seems to follow. I am sure they started those ways-of-life for nice reasons like community gardens and love and stuff but they seem to turn dark somehow. They need to stay true to the hippie life style but that seems impossible so I guess I'll just keep taking it up my Middle tailpipe. At least I get to blog something different for a change huh? Is it too late in the Middle of life to start with the gonja? Tanqueray and Chronic well I'm blogged-up now (probably do Rum instead like a Marley thing). I wish Middle-aged white dudes looked good in dreads. I love dreadlocks.

I wrote a poem yesterday for Earth Day. I've always thought it a bit effeminate to write poetry, I don't know why, but since I take being effeminate as a compliment I wrote one. My effeminate side is what keeps me from going postal...HULK SMASH!!! While I was writing the poem, and I am not kidding or embellishing this, a small bird (sparrow) landed on the window screen and grabbed the screen with his claws or talons or whatever sparrows have and looked at me and turned his head back-and-forth like birds do. I took it as he got some kind of energy vibe from me writing the poem to help bring awareness of saving his and my planet but I'm sure it's really just some bird seeing his reflection and wanting to reproduce with himself. I wish it had been "Three Little Birds"; that would have been so cool right now mon. I prefer to think it was my effeminate poetry vibe. Anyway. Here is my poem (cue the sappy music)
Happy Earth Day 2010

By Matt Helser
inspired by ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore and MOTHER EARTH

‘Twas the night before Earth Day and all through the land
not a mountain was stirring but the one in Iceland,
the oceans still home to millions of creatures
had now started changing with disfiguring features,
the humans had become so careless with waste
that chemicals and plastic were destroying their face,
the prairies were dying from our greed and excess
which also caused economies to cry in distress,
we need to make changes the Earth says “real quick”
or the beauty we cherish she’ll remove in a flick,
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle are words to live by
before acid rain tears become Earth’s brand new cry,
It’s not too late to stop the resisting
our grandchildren will thank us by simply existing,
the Earth will exclaim with the dawn of new mornings
“thank you for listening and heeding my warnings.”

I have a lot more to write but my premature eVENTualtion caused this to go in a different direction and made it long.

One more quick thing - my blog word from yesterday "bloggestion" has been reviewed by the editors at Urban Dictionary and it will be added in the next few days to The Urban Dictionary. I don't know if that's a big deal or a phologna-boloney thing but at least the Earth will know I invented a made-up word. Thanks to S.C. (my loyal facebook friend and "peep") for the bloggestion to go to Urban Dictionary.

See you on Earth Day...remember "One Love"...does mary jane grow in this climate? Off to the Unemployment Office and I think I might soak up some sun and drink some Tommy Bahama and Captain Morgan rums today...I will be in the backyard by the fire-pit with those rum boys this afternoon if you want to stop on by - seriously!

(graphics from: Kenny Chesney-mykindofcountry.files.wordpress.com, Bob Marley - layoutsparks.com, Earth-stpaulcathedral.org)

Visions of Turkey Danced in His Head

Visions of food danced in my head again last night. There was a time that my dreams were about women and then there was about twenty years where I didn't remember my dreams at all and now I am dreaming of food. Not pancakes this time. This time it was Thanksgiving dinner with our friends who live in Charleston, IL. It was a lot of fun...thanks for having us over last night guys. It was nice to see you (in my dreams) again...

Yesterday, after I wrote the blog and said I eat too much now but I don't gain weight I weighed myself and found that I actually lost one pound - down to 188. I guess I need to write about not gaining weight in my blog and the power of Bloggestion (first time this word have EVER been used by anyone) makes me lose weight. Don't underestimate the power of Bloggestion. Someone else will steal this word and take credit for it - the dude in the Middle rarely gets credit. Remember me when they add it to the dictionary. (bloggestion could mean something suggested in a blog coming true like power of suggestion or someone actually understanding, or digesting, a blog).

I listened to the radio yesterday for news of the shots I heard in DekalbStone. There was no mention of shots yesterday but they did report that police were dispatched the night before for shots fired but they did not find evidence any shots having been fired.

I went into our Census meeting yesterday and I am officially on hiatus until the regular Census begins - in a week or two. I have to hope I get a call from a new crew leader to continue. I feel like one of those soldiers that came home from Vietnam without a parade and got spat on.

Yesterday, during the meeting, my stomach started growling. That hasn't happened in a while. I think it's because I'm eating all of the garbage food that I've been eating lately and it wants more. I didn't eat breakfast before the meeting and I'm sure that's really the reason. Stomach growling is like an alarm telling you it's time to eat. There's no snooze button so all you can do is eat to turn off the alarm. Why do we always grab our stomach when it growls? It doesn't hurt. Maybe we just want people to know that the noise they heard came from our stomach and not stomach's neighbor that lives in the rear apartment?

I can't read a note in my notepad...must have been writing and riding my bike but I'm sure this is great advise so I will write it as I can read it..."Willing in book people llamas." That's great advise and I recommend you heed it and do it today. If I read it later and figure it out I will blog it. Maybe we should have a contest to guess what "willing in book people llamas" means.

I wish I was someone just a little more funky.

I rode my bike a bit yesterday and coming back on the bike path near our subdivision I ran into (not literally) one of my Facebook friends who has been reading Mattinthemiddle (a faithful Middleian). It's very gratifying that people are reading and enjoying my blog. She is doing the same stuff I am doing; watching what she eats, going to the YMCA, walking and biking...to get and be healthier. She also mentioned that she's hungrier now too that the weather has turned nicer. It's nice to know that we're not alone and there are others battling the same battles we are. It was also surreal talking about my blog like it was Good Housekeeping or something.

Today I will: be doing laundry (may even hang some laundry outside against our neighborhood's Association Agreement), digging up an area in the yard for Sugar Momma, burning some brush, gotta work out, back to looking for a job... a huge list I am behind on. If you're bored come on over. Maybe we can ride our bikes for fish tacos or somethin' gnarly like that.

If I didn't shower everyday I'm sure I'd be a little more funky.

I figured it out / remembered. "Willing in book people llamas" actually says "writing in book makes people curious." I write in my little red notebook all the time for this blog and with script ideas (I'll write about that tomorrow) and I know people are looking at me thinking "what in the heck is that idiot writing in that little book?" They are finally correct....I AM WRITING ABOUT THEM!

Tomorrow is Earth Day Eve! How about a surprise party for her? Maybe she reads my blog and it won't be a surprise?

(images pilfered from: turkey - eviljwinter.files.wordpress.com, stomach growling - highlightskids.com, yard work - clipartguide.com)

Be Sick Lose Weight

I just heard three gun shots off toward Northern Illinois University (5:22AM). I hope I am wrong. I have been awake for a while but I was lying in bed listening to the birds and the shots rang out. There are gun incidents here about every week. DeKalb is becoming Tombstone, Arizona of the 1870's. I will watch the news today and hope I heard a truck back-firing or something. If it was gunshots this is the quickest news ever; I don't hear sirens yet (11 minutes later)so maybe, and hopefully, I'm mistaken.

Speaking of watching the news the Dekalb newspaper (Daily Chronicle) this weekend lead with all of my blog stories. The helicopters, my Census job and a photo of my other part-time place of employment all on the front page. WTF (why the face)?

The Special Ops that I have been a part of seems to be winding down. Hopefully I will be chosen to work the regular Census now since I am a veteran. The next phase will be so much easier than Special Ops for reasons I cannot go into.

I am having trouble eating correctly again lately. I am eating a bunch of crap food though I am not gaining weight. I am working out still and staying very active and I think my Mattabolism is working better now that I have things under control but I have to reel it in before I head back to that dark place. Hopefully, putting it in writing here will help me get back in charge. I think part of it is the change of the weather and being outside a lot more and driving with the windows open. I have always had a theory that being fat has a lot to do with having an acute sense of smell.

I am totally convinced that restaurants have a subliminal (maybe not so subliminal but sneaky) form of advertising. They pump the smells of their foods out of a ventilation system so we can smell the food. It's like we are the children (or rats in reality) of Hamlin marching toward the sea blindly following the greasy goodness in a smell-induced drunken stupor. Did you ever wonder why most smokers are skinny and we aren't that hungry while we are sick? It's because we can't smell as well then. Not being able to smell is the serum to their poisonous smellvertising (trademark pending). Stuff your nose with tissues and lose weight. That's the new diet I am going to start - Nose Stuffing!

If girls are Divas are boys Divos?

I have been thinking of all the Earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis and meteorites and have thought that maybe Earth is in a terrarium-like bowl in some little kid's room and he/she is just screwing with us for his/her amusement. We are like a giant ant farm and he/she just got a new magnifying glass for his/her birthday. If we hold out long enough it will end because a child's attention-span is pretty short these days. I think there was an episode of The Simpsons something like that.

Does anybody else try to watch a television talk show and then decide not to watch it because of all the applause? The two that come to mind the most are Ellen and Rachel Ray. "I use ricotta cheese..." (four minutes of applause), "I saw a tree that looked like Will Ferrell today" (five minutes of applause), "Did anyone (applause) remember to (applause) turn your (applause)..." I think I should contact Saturday Night Live with this for a sketch idea. "We can't come up with an hour's worth of material so let's have the audience fill a half-hour with clapping and cheering." At least you can DVR through commercials though they are getting better at making commercials blend to look like the show you are watching. I challenge you to try to fast-forward through the clapping. You'd have to be an Olympic remote-controller and I'm about as close as you can get; it can't be done.

Remember the Rally at South Elgin High School for education today at 4:00PM. I want to see you on the news tonight. Earth Day is Thursday.

Have a good Monday - call in disinterested. Still no sirens or the helicopters that we get periodically; maybe it was a truck - they hate Mondays too.

(Images miraculously appeared from: chitty chitty bang bang - farm4.static.flicker.com, tombstone - gstatic.com, monday's - 2.bp.blogspot.com)

The Doctor Is In

Earth Day is only four days away. Have you sent out your Earth Day cards yet?

We won the Amazing Race!!! - sort of. The Amazing Race was held at my son's school yesterday. It was limited to ten teams of Middle-schoolers and each team got one driver. I was the driver for the Backyardigans. Of course, we drew one of the Middle numbers (6) for our starting position. We were given one clue and had to figure out the destination, get there and the team had to complete a task to get their next clue. We screamed back and forth across town performing these tasks and were the first team to arrive at the finish line. We were the ONLY team to arrive at the finish line by the required 5:00PM. We had pizza and talked about our day's events while the judges tallied the scores; points were given for the fastest times for each event... After about an hour or so they announced the winners of each separate event. We won a couple of the events and the certificates for the events seemed to be equally distributed among the teams. Then came the time to announce the winners of the race.... The Backyardigans!!!! The boys went up and received their trophies and I took pictures. They were beaming. You remember Junior High. This was a big deal. Kids stuck in the Middle of the crowd were going to be recognized for one day in their junior high lives! Being mentioned on the morning announcements Monday at school, in the newspaper, maybe their faces on a box of Wheaties (Breakfast of Champions - patch on blog suit)...this is huge when you're 12 and 13 years old. As we were getting ready to leave one of the officials came up to the boys and said "we made a mistake, you got second place." She took the boys' trophies away and gave them to another team. Now the boys are mortified because they think everybody is laughing at them and they'll be made fun of Monday. Remember what it felt like in Middle School? If these boys had Carrie's powers 2012 would have come yesterday. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to walk out but still haven't seen him yet. It's hard being the adult in these situations because I know the boys were wronged. I know they rightfully won. I know these people were trying to do something nice for the kids. I also know there are people involved in these things that like to be big shots and I'd like to knock them down a peg which I am VERY VERY good at when pushed. I further know that being a poor sport and making a scene for $1.00 trophies is ridiculous, sets a really bad example and would make it worse for the boys so I let it go. Later last night my son said that it was a lot of fun and he appreciated me doing it with them. That was huge for me...thirteen-year-old boys don't show appreciation too often so I am very touched. He is whining about it on Facebook and making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be now but he needs to vent without climbing the stairs in a bell tower. I bet a bell tower would give me a lot of steps on my I-Pod (Roz). I will monitor the venting and pull the plug when it gets to be just before psycho-babble.

Sorry I dedicated most of this blog to my venting about something silly but this is what happens everyday in Middle America. I doubt that most people read my blog on the weekends anyway. It's probably read most times while people are at work. That's what I'd do if I had a "regular" job (at break time only, of course).

Thanks for letting me vent...I will get off your couch now. Sorry about the crumbs.

- images ransacked from: thesniper.us (trophy), whhispermag.co.uk (Carrie) and giantbomb.com (Lucy Van Pelt) -

"...And I feel fine"

Yesterday, while I was in the house, I heard a huge rumble off in the distance and guessed 2012 had arrived ahead of schedule. Darn Mayans and their calendar. I realized that it was a helicopter which is pretty common here: blood to the hospital, crop-dusters... but this was a Military helicopter. Then the noise got louder and there were three. They we really low so I knew they were landing close (or about ready to take out a target) so what would any nosy person do? I slid down the Mattpole (could be bad out of context), got in the Mattmobile, said "atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed" and raced to see what I could blog about. I work for the Federal Government, you know, they might need my assistance in some way. I headed two clicks due north (though I used the round-about way with the roads). We have had a few very important people here in the last few years like Barack Obama, for instance, so I was excited to see Elton John or somebody. When I got there all three helo's were on the ground with over a hundred uniformed soldiers surrounding them. Where are Dustin Hoffman and Cuba Gooding Jr.? I made contact with a "friendly" (a mom with three kids in this case) and found out they were here for NIU's R.O.T.C. (Reserve Officer Training Corp) program. They were taking the recruits somewhere for the day. I guess I should start reading the newspaper. I figured it was the holocaust and Jill was in Macomb and the rest of my life would be trying to get me and the kids back to her...I've seen too many movies (if that's possible).

Speaking of movies I have been trying to come up with my top ten movies of all time and it's impossible. I have been working on it since I started this blog so I could share it with you. I am finding that I have very few comedies on my short list (that's what she said). I will let you know when I get it down to ten (the list that is).

Three rabbits are racing out front. It's Saturday so there's no Sausage Race and the fox is probably in some hen house somewhere so they feel safe I guess. Wascal Wabbits!

There is a meeting called "Rally at South Elgin High School" scheduled for Monday night (4:00PM - 5:00PM) at, you guessed it, South Elgin High School "to publicly pressure our state legislators into ensuring that educational funding is a priority." I was made aware of it by one of my Blog "Peeps" on FaceBook.
You can get more info on FaceBook by going to "Rally at South Elgin High School" or linking it from my FaceBook page in my events. The media is going to be there so maybe you can get your 15 seconds of fame. I would love to go and promote my blog but we have a baseball scrimmage game at 6:00PM. There are few things as important as the educations of our children so support this cause if you can. Wow, Mattinthemiddle might be making a difference. Thanks "DP".

This is getting long again (don't need to say it) and I have so much more to blog. My little red notebook runneth over but I don't want to make it too long (you know). Baseball practice at 10, turn in Census paperwork at noon and The Amazing Race (GO BACKYARDIGANS!!!) at 3. Wish us luck at the race...more for my little red notebook.

In case Jill reads this from Macomb...I mowed the yard and it makes your flowers look even prettier. See you tonight, smoochy smoochy. (Incidentally, Death To Smoochy, though I liked it, will not be on the top ten). Blog you tomorrow!

(helicopter image borrowed from farm1.static.flickr.com and the other one is taken right from the "Rally at South Elgin High School" FaceBook page - go there now!)

Blogger in the Hizzie

WHATUP PEEPS!?

Sugar Momma is home for a few hours and then she heads to Western Illinois University for her weekend classes. I got her home here last night about midnight and she heads out to Macomb in about three hours. I had intended to go with her to WIU but now we have baseball practice and The Amazing Race tomorrow so that changes everything.

At the airport last night seeing all the limousines made me wonder if there is a stretch Smart Car limo yet. I imagine there is but if there is not I want to go on record as being the genius behind that idea. Why am I obsessed with Smart Cars lately?


I have found another job that I would be great doing. I should be a junk email reader / editor. Signing up for all these job sites and coupon sites...has made my email address a virtual clearinghouse for every junk email company in North America. Darn blood-sucking capitalists. Ironically, I do like Spam - the spiced ham one. It makes me think of Hawaii...they even have Spam at McDonald's in Hawaii (the ham kind not the email kind).

Yesterday between counting college students for The U.S. Government and turning down jobs I will probably regret not taking I went and donated blood on my dinner break. It's been a while since I gave blood. Now they give you pajama bottoms for donating blood. Sometimes good things happen just because you do the right thing. Does anybody need pajama pants? I just like SWAG (Stuff We All Get) whether I need it or not.

I'm tired of worrying about paying for college and paying the property taxes... I think I am just going to win the lottery tonight. I can't believe I never thought of this before. Don't worry I will keep blogging from my World travels...think of the amazing things I will make you jealous about. I'd probably even have a contest like "Win A Dream Trip With Bloggisaurus Matt" or something like that...details forthcoming.

I have been meaning to mention this but if you haven't seen the SouthPark episode about Facebook you must see it. It's the funniest SouthPark I've seen in a long time. Just like anything, probably, because it's so true and it hits so close to home. Thanks to my Facebook friend "L" for getting my radar up to find it.



I backed the car up yesterday and I turned the wheel like the boat was attached. In case you haven't backed a trailer before, you pretty much just turn the opposite way as you normally do. You can tell the weather is getting better when I am backing an invisible boat trailer into an imaginary boat launch (driveway). Maybe it's just Middle-age trying to take over. It's winning!

Six days to Earth Day. I hope we make it that long. The Earth seems like she's pissed with all of these quakes and volcanoes. Let's hope it's just a mid-Earth crisis or maybe she's doing Zumba. Have a great Friday (department of redundancy department). Blog you later!

(spam photo borrowed from chris-smith-web.com and southpark/facebook borrowed from serialtagger.com)

Lord Benadryl of The Land of Nod

The job interview went very well yesterday. They gave me a math test, which I passed. Math has always been the wooden stake to my heart but I only missed one question. Then I did the interview and I've always been pretty good at talking so that went very well. I am WAY over-qualified for this job and that will be the only thing that may stop them from offering me the position. That and the fact that it is A LOT less than I should be making and they know that. But...is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush? Do I take the job if they offer it to me even though I will be tremendously underpaid and not challenged which will lead to job boredom just because I think I need one more job on my menu of jobs (breath)? If they offer me the job and I turn it down because of low pay and the guarantee of not being challenged will I mess up my unemployment which is very good, especially with my two part-time jobs supplementing the pay (breath)? Wow, that's a lot of run-on sentences but I am writing the way my mind is thinking (disjointed and rapid-fire) today. Maybe I shouldn't have Diet Mountain Dew for breakfast. I may call them this morning before they offer me the job and apologize for wasting their time. I know they will not be surprised if I call.

Lord Benadryl came last night and I made it all the way to 5:00 AM. One of my "peeps" (the artists formerly known as "followers") wrote on my Facebook page: "I always wake up at 3:00am too...I googled it and here is one of the answers that came up: From the mundane point of view, 3am is when the dew begins to form and the environmental atmosphere changes. We are all sensitive to our environment. Some more than others. Interestingly enough, this environmental change also enhances the ability of spiritual contact. It's electrical and needs the moisture to travel on. So if you're sensitive to spirits, you'll find yourself often waking at this time." Man whoever invented "copy and paste" should win a Nobel Peace Prize. I believe I am sensitive to spirits and nature and I have very acute senses though I can't see small writing in bad light too well anymore. I will now look at waking up early as more of a blessing than a curse.
You may have noticed that I rarely mention people's names when I refer to them. I don't want to overstep my bounds with people because there is a lot of pressure and fame that come with being mentioned in my blogs. Some might want to remain anonymous. If you're my facebook friend you can easily see who wrote this one though. I have never mentioned my kids names here either because it may get back to them and who wants to deal with that?

I love Smart Cars! Not only are they better for the planet (Earth Day 7 days away) but they make me smile (sometimes laugh out loud) every time I see one. I have shoes that big; I still have my old ones from Clown College. I'd sure be willing to drive around town with my blog address written on it if Smart Car were so inclined to beer me one. This is yet another reference to The Office and in no way condones drinking and Smart Carring. If you spilled a beer in there you'd die a fish bowl death. Is it a new The Office tonight? I'll be heading to the airport again anyway so DVR will let me know later.

Baseball practice went very well. we are going to have a pretty good team and the boys were already acting like they knew each other for years (a lot of them have).

Diet Mountain Dew (I'm gonna need a jacket like the NASCAR dudes wear once all of these endorsement deals finalized) has made this blog too long but today I am like that co-worker that won't shut up. You know the one I'm blogging about! Thanks for letting me blog on and let's do it again tomorrow (that's what she never says).

(Smart Car image borrowed from freewebs.com and peeps image borrowed from todocandy.com)

3:00 AM And All's Well!

As long as I'm awake at 3:00 AM I may as well do something so why not blog? What is it with this 3:00 AM internal wake-up call? Why can't I just hit the internal snooze? I don't do caffeine so that can't be it. Maybe if I try not to lay there and look at the clock for two hours I'll be able to get a few more hours if I try to go back in there at 4:00ish. I do like this time of day though. No noise at all but a distant train and the constant muffled hum of the computer with the clicking of the keyboard. No phones, no lights no motor cars... It's even too early for the guy who delivers the papers at 4:30 with no muffler on his motor car.

I looked outside to see if the fox was out there again. But then I remembered she was in Dallas until tomorrow night. Are foxes nocturnal like me - The Vampire Mat?

My Fed job is kinda fun. There are a lot of really nice people in my town it turns out. Most of the people I work with are nice too. They are mainly college students and people thrown on the temporary job scrap heap like me. My boss' name is Dick. I really like Dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe I'm a Fruit Mat. My job interview is this morning and I'm sure there will be hundreds of other people interviewing for the same position. I don't actually feel much pressure for some reason; maybe because I currently have the two part-time jobs and I'm sure my Pony League coaching job will lead to a job with a Major League team mid-season. Maybe at least with the Kane County Cougars. I hope to get a full-time permanent job soon rather that peacemealing jobs together though I am becoming pretty good at job-juggling. I guess you can't call me lazy anyway.

Sugar Momma has joined the Matt In The Middle School of Health (not sanctioned or endorsed by anyone important). She has lost about five pounds over the last week. She was disgruntled last week because she gained a few pounds when she first started but it turns out you ladies have different metaphysical make-ups than we fellas. Seems that you gals retain water and have a monthly process that you like so much. A monthly process that, when we were younger, we prayed for every month. It quickly became a hassle after that. Now that sugar Momma lost that water-weight plus the extra five she is fully gruntled again.

I have a lot to do today. I have to get the kids going, I have my interview in Rochelle at 9:15, I have to go perform my G-Man duties, I have to type up our game and practice schedules (we have 24 games plus the play-offs and the championship series this season)... We have our first practice tonight so I need to figure out what we'll do at practice tonight. I usually make the first practice kind of informal and just see what positions the players like to play, see who is fast, who can pitch, who has the hot moms (which means brings snacks for the kids, of course), see which moms and dads and siblings want to help and see basic player skills so no one gets killed but our first game is a week from Monday already and I just drafted these dudes two days ago. This may have to be like a real practice right from the start. I hope I don't have any jerky parents who like to win at all cost this season. My philosophy is "it's all for fun and everybody plays". There's travel baseball for that crazy crap.

It's almost 4:00 AM so I am going to try the go-back-to-bed-for-an-hour theory and see how that works. I need that switch that shuts your brain off but I don't drink hardly at all anymore so that switch is on the fritz. (Poor Fritz). I am sure I will lay in bed "with me big pilla" for an hour and think about all the crap I should be doing. Tonight will probably be a Benadryl** night. (**still waiting for all those lucrative endorsement deals to start rolling in from this wicked awesome blog**)

Have a great day. Wish me luck on my job interview in case I want it. Sure...now the birds are starting to chirp...ARGHHHHHHH

Megan Fox in Dekalb?

I am going to have to make this a quick blog because I gotta get Sugar Momma to the airport. She is going to Dallas for work for a couple of days.

While I was working my Census job yesterday I got a call for an interview at a company I applied for in Rochelle called Americold. I am not really sure which job I am interviewing for tomorrow because I applied for three jobs at that company. I guess I will find out tomorrow at the interview. The Census job is nice because you can work pretty much whenever you want as long as you don't go over 40 hours a week and you can only knock on doors between 9:00 AM and 9:00 PM.

Some excitement in our cul-de-sac last night. My son looked out the front window and said he saw a fox. We all thought he was crazy but we waited and sure enough there was a fox running across our front yard toward the middle of the cul-de-sac. Not long after there was a squad car outside. Someone had called the police about a fox. Maybe the cop thought it was Megan Fox. What the heck were the police gonna do about a fox? Cuff him and lock him up for prowling? I think the fox was just getting here early to get a good seat for the sausage races. I AM GOING TO MISS THE SAUSAGE RACES TODAY! ARGHHH!

Baseball draft was last night. It seemed to go well. I got a lot of the players I wanted. Mostly players from our neighborhood and players I had in the past. It seems most of the teams we are playing against in this league are travel teams. There are eight teams from Sycamore in our league and they are all travel teams. We'll probably get smoked a lot this season but we'll try to leave a bad after-taste.

I've been up since 3:00 (as usual). Most of the time I can go back to sleep but, for whatever reason, I didn't this time. What's a boy to do?

I learned that one of my blog "followers" went to San Francisco last week and while at a San Francisco Giants game was reading my blog in the stands. I am very flattered that I am more entertaining than The San Francisco Giants...thank you very much.

This weekend I am the driver for a team in The Amazing Race for my son's middle school. His team is called The Backyardigans and I guess I drive his team around so they can do their "events" like on "The Amazing Race" television show. I'm guessing there will be good blog material there.

Ok, time to get to the airport and then off to counting the masses. Have a great day and I will blog you again tomorrow. Blogger Out!

Do It For The Sausages!

Yesterday was a good day to start walking house to house. The weather was great. Maybe they should do the Census on Halloween or have Jehovah's Witnesses do it or maybe both. You could have the whole thing done in one day.

Last night was our first meeting for Pony League Baseball. In previous years (younger leagues) we had all been given the game schedules and we were on our ways. Pony League, apparently, is different. There are three teams from Dekalb and we play other teams from: Sycamore, Genoa, Burlington, Kirkland and some other small Middle-of-the-cornfield towns I can't remember. Each coach has to get with each other coach, one at a time, and schedule their games within a designated week. You also have to keep going back to the person in charge of those fields to make sure that the field is available for that time as they are filling up the whole time. It was like the trading floor in "Trading Places" when Louis Winthorpe III and Billy Ray Valentine were trying to buy and sell their orange juice shares. Now tonight is player evaluations and the draft immediately follows. We men just want to pretend we are Major League Baseball owners, G.M.'s and coaches. We never grow up so quit asking us if we will.

I know I mentioned this on my Facebook a few months back but with weather changing to nicer weather in the Midsection I have to mention it here. We live in a cul-de-sac. For those of you not in the middle those are the roads that dead-end into a circle. As you enter the circle part we are at what I would say is between eight and nine o'clock. The kids racing to the bus stop look exactly like the sausages at Miller Park (home of the Middlewaukee Brewers) in the sausage races running around the cul-de-sac. Today Choriso was gaining on Italian with the Brat way behind. Italian saw Choriso gaining so he kicked it into high gear which must have been difficult with that huge backpack. I am guessing Italian won unless he fell down and started crying but I cannot see the finish line (bus stop) from the Mattcave. Oh what a special day...there is a second race of smaller sausages - must be cocktail weenie race. (If the Brewers decide to use this patent/trademark pending).

Well, I have to start some laundry and clean the kitchen and get ready for enumerating followed by baseball draft. Now I share in the case of the Mondays with the rest of you Middleions again. Have a good Monday and when things get rough in your day think of poor little Choriso and her loss to her Italian Sausage brother...do it for the sausages...be strong for them.

(Trading Places photo borrowed from hubpages.com and the sausage race photos borrowed from newstatesman.com - covering my middle butt.)