I Read the Blog Today, Oh Boy!

cue the music

This is the last blog of 2010 and I am in a huge hurry because I have to leave for work in fifteen minutes. I couldn't end the year without saying how much I have enjoyed getting to know all of you (a lot of you again). I also want to wish each of you a safe New Year's and a fun, prosperous and giving 2011.

As soon as I get off work we are heading to Brookfield Zoo. I will check after work during my touchdown here before I takeoff again quickly if any of you are going and if so we can hook up. It's raining and going to be 55 degrees which will be better that what it usually is this time of year. I just hope it stays above freezing tonight so all of this moisture doesn't freeze when all of the revelers are trying to make their ways home without all of their faculties. That's one of the great things about the zoo...we will be home by 10:00 because the New year's countdown is at 8:00...still time enough to stop and eat.

Be Safe!!!!!

Tomorrow, while your nursing that headache, stop by here to check out my 2011 resolutions. I will be surprised to find out what I put here because so far I can only think of one. Any suggestions? what are your resolutions? I may want to steal some of them (giving you full credit, of course).

Ok...seven minutes to grab my gear and head out the door. BE SAFE TONIGHT! I don't have that many people who read this blog so I cannot risking losing any of you. Just kidding about the blog part...I don't want anyone to get hurt even if they don't read the blog. TTT2011...MITM (off like a new year's eve gown)

You're a Daisy if You do!

Catch Me in Habitat Africa!

cue the music (today's mood)
Second to last blog of 2010!

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and it is confirmed that we are going to Brookfield Zoo for Zoo Year's Eve after I get off of work at about 4 or so. Splenda is not going to be with us unless her real plans fall through so we are her plan B or C which makes sense. I am happy to be that high in the alphabet. We were also invited to a couple of parties and we may stop at one or more of them on the way home. Let me know if you're gonna be at the zoo and we'll hook-up like my Waffle House hash browns,

 I am still fighting this cold but from what I see of a lot of my friends on Facebook it is something going around. Maybe it's a Facebook virus. I haven't been as ill as some of you have been. I was never laid-up where I had to say in bed; I just had a headache and a cough and a runny/stuffed-up nose (is it possible to have both).

A Great Humanitarian and Ballplayer

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the night that Roberto Clemente died in 1972.  For those of you who are not familiar with Roberto Clemente he was from Puerto Rico and was one of the early Latino (Puerto Rico) players to play Major League Baseball. He played for the Pittsburgh Pirates. When I was eight-year-old I did a paper on him for school. As research I wrote to him in Pittsburgh and received a bunch of Pittsburgh Pirates material along with a Roberto Clemente autographed photo. I was already trying to be a writer 40 years ago. Even at that young age I was impressed not only by his greatness on the baseball field but with his humanitarianism and charity work. He died on New Year's Eve in a plane crash while delivering aid to earthquake victims of Nicaragua. His body was never recovered. He was voted into the MLB Hall of Fame  posthumously in 1973 without having to wait the usual five years.  He was the first Latin American to elected to The Hall. Whatever happened to that autographed photo? It was thrown out sometime when I was young with my bushel basket full of 1950's and 1960's baseball cards. Don't tell my mom...though this is the story of numerous MIDDLE kids.

I'm Your Huckleberry!

I am really having a hard time keeping this blog short. I feel like I am ripping you off. Ripping you off of what? I don't know. The voting has ended and Nature Girl is staying Nature Girl receiving 40% of the overall vote (2 votes). There is still one more day to vote for the best movie Doc Holliday on MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS but Val Kilmer looks like he is gonna run away with the title...Maybe I should send him a plaque for his office from us (MIDDLERS). I am sure he would treasure it always...I actually think I may do that and see if I get a response. I am still working on my 2011 resolutions and will reveal those on New Year's Day while you're hung-over and looking for something to ease your pain. TTTT...MITM (let me be free).

A Blog that's Hauntingly Familiar

cue the original (and best) theme song - there's no place I'd rather be stuck!

Alright, I am not in a huge rush but I am confident that I can keep this blog short...remember that I am usually wrong.

Does the Easter Bunny spy for Santa and visa versa? There is an area that I shovel in the front yard so that Maisy, our Yorkiepoo (I always feel very manly when people ask me what kind of dog she is), can conduct her business. A few days before Christmas we drove into the driveway and three rabbits tore out from that area. Were they spying or were they just amazed that there was exposed grass in the winter? I know they hang out by where I feed the birds because they leave the most delicious raisins you ever tasted. Maybe they just know that Maisy is a YorkiePOO!

I think the spirits are still angry about the canceled seance!

Did you see my Facebook photo from Christmas Eve in our house? I am convinced that the ghosts of Christmas past, present, future, and all of their ghost friends were celebrating with us. (Danny Elfman's done pretty well for himself) Our family room. or living room - I am never sure what the names for all the rooms are except the Tiki room and the kitchen, was covered in orbs. I have heard that that used to be light reflecting off of things like dust and such but with the way digital cameras are now that that isn't the case anymore. While I was looking over the photos to add one here I noticed they are in most of the photos and not all in the same room of the house. Maybe the ghosts hitched rides from the Chinese restaurant or maybe we live in a haunted house. The haunted house theory is more likely with all of the cemeteries I visited this past year. Doesn't that one orb resemble Edgar Allan Poe? It would make sense that the spirits would feel a connection with me since I was obsessed with the other side in 2010. That would probably explain all of the missing socks.

No orbs here because they're all at my house!

2010 makes me think that I need to get my resolutions together for 2011. I normally don't do resolutions but with the blog now I figured I ought to; especially with 2012 being the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar and all. Also, I see all of the stupid lists that are coming out already. The biggest news stories of 2010, the celebrities who died in 2010, the biggest surprises of 2010... I may have to get together the top 10 list of stupid lists from 2010.

Okay I am going to end the blog now because I said that I would try to make it shorter without the challenge of a time crunch. That will not be one of my resolutions because we all know that if I promise to make the blogs shorter I am just setting myself up for failure. I don't have a problem with failure; I can do it well enough without giving myself the assists as well. What are you doing for New Year's Eve? Sugar Momma isn't that excited about the Brookfield Zoo idea and Splenda will be partying elsewhere. Fabio and I are the only ones interested. I guess I am looking for other suggestions before I put the squeeze on Sugar Momma (TWSS) for the Zoo Years Eve celebration. TTTT...MITM (off to be haunted downstairs)  BOO!

It's Pretty Short (TWSS)!

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I may have found the secret to a short blog...let's try it out. The secret is that I have to leave for work in 30 minutes so I have to blog right to the point.

Picture her saying "orgasm"

I was putting a lot of the Christmas decorations away today and I had the television on in the background. Desperate Housewives came on and I just left it on. Sugar Momma and I watched it when it first came on but quit because of all of the commercials; it must have been before we had the DVR. It's whenever the show first started. Even though it was probably about seven years ago or so I could easily figure out what was going on. The thing that surprised me the most was that Susan from Sesame Street was on this episode and she played a nurse. It was very odd hearing Susan from Sesame Street saying the word orgasm.

Love me some Robby Benson

When Desperate Housewives ended an old movie that I had always liked, Lucky Lady with Burt Reynolds, Gene Hackman, Liza Minelli and Robby Benson came on. I was starting to wash the bed linens so I still had boob-tube time available. It made me think of a movie that I also liked with Robby Benson and I searched it on Netflix. They do not have the film One On One on Netflix. It's not a great movie but I found it entertaining; now I am on a quest...HULU doesn't have it either. I am a sucker for underdog movies...movies about underdogs that is not the Jason Lee movie. You know what? I really like Robby Benson. He was the voice of Beast in Beauty and the Beast too. And he married the girl from Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light song/video (one of Sugar Momma's favorite songs for when you play Trivial Pursuit Sugar Momma addition). Why in the heck do I know so much about Robby Benson? Man crush!

I think this short blog thing may have worked (TWSS). I still have about 8 minutes but I have to post this and get my shoes and backpack and head out. I will blog you again tomorrow and I will try to do it under a time-crunch again for your sake and for the sake of all Blogmattity! TTTT...MITM (off to work)!

Boobs and Farts...These are a Few of My Favorite things!

Why does one of the headlights go out in the car in the winter? Also. whatever happened to the nice large light bulbs that were easy to get to and to change? Now you have to almost take the entire front quarter panel off the car to get to this little itty bitty light bulb. My hands are all cut up and my back hurts and I have frostbite. Some of that is untrue but not by much.

While I was out changing the headlamp I realized that I cannot find my scarf so I have decided to let my beard grow until Spring though I plan to keep it neatly quaffed, though plans can change. I always have 5 o'clock Somewhere shadow (patent/trademark/copyright) but that is by design. I actually have my trimmer set so that I can have constant 5 o'clock Somewhere shadow. I have been told that I don't have much of a chin and it appears to be a chin if I have hairs on my chinny chin chin. It's probably the same theory of mascara or eyeliner and such. Life is all about creating illusions.

This is MY ACTUAL FLARP! Jealous?

Last night we went out to dinner and a movie as a family. It was really nice. we went to see Gulliver's Travels and you know I will review it at MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS right after I am done here. I cannot mention that we went to the movies and dinner without mentioning an annoying new (bad) habit that I have because of a Christmas gift that Splenda gave to me. I have become a serial Flarper. If you are not familiar with Flarp it is a small container of colored putty, not that unlike silly putty or play-doh, that when "operated" properly emits flatulent sounds. I took it to the restaurant and did a drive-by (sitting actually) flarping when the waiter walked by and then at the beginning of the film between the previews and the movie, when it was completely quiet in the theater,  I let one rip. I am totally flarp addicted. My friend Judii and I have been wanting to be a part of a flash mob so I am thinking that we should actually orchestrate a Flarp Mob (patent/trademark/copyright pending)...I think that would be hilarious but I am usually incorrect.

I cannot believe how I sit down to blog with all of these ideas of what I am going to write and then I prattle on so and have done a completely different blog. Maybe I have AABD (Adult Attention Blogging Disorder). Or maybe AABAFD (Adult Attention Blogging And Flarping Disorder).

I can now say Pasta Boobs in six languages!

A couple of other cool things I got as gifts are: drumstick pencils, boob pasta and mustache socks. I think it says a lot about a Matt on the gifts he receives. I do think farts are funny (Flarp). I do like drumming and writing, I really like boobs and pasta (nice marriage there I must say) and who doesn't like mustached-feet? I think we may have boob pasta in red sauce for dinner. A cream sauce like Alfredo would be too obvious. If I ate meat I would include some chicken breasts.

When did the NFL (National Football League) become such a bunch of sissies? Yesterday's game in Philadelphia where the Eagles were supposed to play The Minnesota Vikings was moved to tomorrow (Tuesday) because they were expecting snow. It wasn't the Miami Dolphins playing the San Diego Chargers - these are two cold-weather teams supposedly. Duh...you play at an outside stadium in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at the end of December. And, you're playing the Minnesota Vikings whose domed-stadium just collapsed from too much snow. Maybe we should have only warm-weather NFL teams or play the season while the MLB teams are still in spring training. I am MIDDLE enough to remember when football was a tough-guy sport. Players who were tough enough to be in Miller Lite Commercials or Hertz Rent-A-Car Commercials.

Enough for today. Enjoy the rest of your Boxing Day and I will blog you again tomorrow before I go to work at 4:00 MIDDLE time. TTTT....MITM (salivating for boob pasta). Hey, I just realized that I wrote about boobs and headlights in the same blog (I even crack myself up accidentally)

Merry Day After Christmas!

We have less than a week to come up with the New Year's resolutions that will last about two weeks; at least we'll have a productive two weeks. I'm leaning toward: not being so darned good looking, not smelling so good all the time, gaining 30 pounds,  procrastinating more (maybe I will try this one in 2012), starting five more books that I will never finish...this is just a start but I think it IS a start. Just kidding, of course, I don't think I could ever not look or smell good as hard as I try. (no need for rebuttal required)

Black Ops

Last night I actually slept pretty well. I was really happy that Sugar Momma seemed to be sleeping really well too; the surgery was the right thing it seems. We found a doctor who may actually be worth his weight in tongue depressors. I am horrified because I think I know why I slept so well last night and it cannot continue if I am correct. No, not that. Yesterday, Christmas Day, I pretty much ate whatever I wanted which I never do anymore. It was my gift to me which I now have to return because of size. So, if I want to end up weighing 3000 pounds I can sleep at night but I will lie awake depressed that I weigh 3000 pounds. Maybe since I lost the weight my body simply doesn't require as much sleep? I have always slept pretty lightly anyway. Maybe it's simply that I went to bed pretty late and also that Sugar Momma wasn't up all night making me worry and she was sleeping well so I could relax. The whole famn damily was under one roof and all sleeping and/or playing XBOX Call of Duty: Black Ops killing zombies or Cubans or whatever mission Splenda and Fabio were on. I am a huge worrier so having everybody here was a big deal for sleep.  Looks like I have no idea why I slept well. Maybe it's just a.....(you know it's coming - TWSS)......wait for it....wait for it....a Christmas Miracle!!!!!!! (on ice) I guess I will just go back to eating healthy and let the sheeps fall where they may. What a baaaaaaaaaa (d) joke!

Peas Be with You!

It's weird that it's Sunday; it's felt like Sunday for about three days. Do church-goin'-types go to church the day after Christmas? It seems to me like you've done your time the last couple of days. I just think WWTJD (what would Thomas Jefferson do?). I envy people who think they have it figured out. I wish I could figure some things out but then I wouldn't have to continue my daily blog-treatment therapy sessions. Peace and Mirth, Good Will Toward Women (and men I guess).That's all I have figured out!

We have gone to the zoo (Brookfield) two or three times for New Years Eve over the past ten years. I am thinking about seeing if we (they) want to do it again for old times' sake. I think it would be different since the kids are older. We have always let them bring friends and the Disney Prize Patrol puts on a show with prizes and music, there is ice sculptures and crafts and lots to do (including seeing great zoo animals, of course) and the New Years countdown is at like 8:00 or something so you can still be home with your family safe well before the stroke of drunken maniac midnight. I am trying to think but I don't think I have ever been at a bar at midnight on New Years Eve. I'm sure I am wrong...maybe I just couldn't remember for Auld Lang Syne. Who wants to meet The Helsers (look...I'm already speaking for the other Helsers) at Brookfield Zoo to freeze our butts off into the New Year (or four hours before it - 8:00)? Let me know and I will let you know...maybe it will just be you and me.

Santa was just here - Czech Republic

Only 5 more blogs after this one until 2011. I am still writing 2007 on my checks...that's because with debit cards and the internet I haven't used a check since 2007. I just had a joke in my head that is probably funny only to me...okay here it is...Martina Knizka...that's it...that's the joke. She is a friend of mine and she is not a joke at all. She is, however, from the Czech Republic and when I wrote (typed) her name in my blog I wrote a Czech in 2010. (OMG....how do I keep doing it? How am I not one of the head writers for 30 Rock or SNL or something (well, SNL probably because I actually AM a LITTLE funny by accident sometimes)...OMG I think I am gonna PEA my pants). Is it okay to put a parenthetical sentence within a parenthetical sentence? It should be if it isn't!

Okay, okay...I am done jeez. Have a nice third Sunday of the week and I will blog you again tomorrow (Monday) when a lot of you will be back at work and reading the blog again (make sure to read the ones you missed because they were all "awesomely heart-warming with accidental humor sprinkled in...a sure-fire hit" Matt Helser - Matt in the Middle). TTTT....MITPajamas out! I think it's gonna rain (lefty for those of you "in the know")

Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Ra

Mele Kalikimaka

The crazy part of Christmas is over. Now all that's left is the cleaning-up.

Onward Chinese Soldiers...

Last night we went out for dinner. At first, last week we thought, "hey, let's have Mexican." Then I thought to myself, "self, will the restaurants be open on Christmas Eve?" So I called the two Mexican restaurants that we would probably go to and they were both closed Christmas Eve. Then I thought, "self, remember in A Christmas Story when they went to the Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner after the Bumpuse's dogs ate their dinner?  So they had "Chinese Turkey"?" So I called Yen Ching and made a reservation for nine. It was a great time. I would say that it's the best Christmas Eve dinner that I have ever had. Next year I want to go to Gen Ho in Geneva....that's my favorite Chinese food around here. I hope the Chinese Christmas Eve dinner is an annual tradition. I think it might be for me even if I have to eat alone. I am downloading a video now to my Facebook page but it says it will take 46 minutes so check back if it's not there yet. I am also going to add some Christmas photos including the Yen Ching photos.

And on the Holiest of days of the year

Every year Sugar Momma puts up her little S A N T A wooden letters and every year I change the order they are in. She will change them back and then I will change them again... I really hope that whoever is in charge of things upstairs when I leave this Earth has a sense of humor because, if not, I will be smoking a turd in Hell for sure one day.

While opening presents this morning I was playing Roz's Christmas playlist (most of the songs provided by my buddy J.R.) and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by The Partridge Family came on. My mom and dad were here and it reminded me of when I was growing up I was a HUGE Partridge Family fan. Every Friday night we would sit down as a family and watch their show. What I am about to tell you, up to this point, has been a very little-known well-guarded Matt In The Middle nerdy secret. At the end of each show The Partridge Family would always sing a song. I would make my family be perfectly quiet and I would take my tape recorder, the size of a toaster, and hold the microphone up to the television speaker and record the song each week. I should probably have figured out Youtube and iTunes or VCR's and DVD's...and have become a 7-year-old billionaire but instead I just had tapes of all of The Partridge Family songs that I would listen to constantly. Thanks for the memories J.R..

We received a Christmas package from my brother in Hawaii. The favorite part of the package he sends each year is the chocolate kisses. Mauna Loa has chocolate kisses with macadamia nuts in them. Man are they good. Sugar Momma gets her usual various flavors of Kona coffees and the kids get great gifts from the islands but we all love the kisses. The little ripcords or whatever those dealies that stick out of the top of a chocolate kisses that look like the fuses that light this candle and helps you open them say "ALOHA ALOHA ALOHA..."

Gimme Ten Buddah! Don't Leave Me Hangin'

The video still says that it has 43 minutes to download and do you have any idea how long this blog would be if I blog straight for another 43 minutes? Probably as long as it usually is (TWSS). I am going to wrap this one up because most of you are too busy to read this on Christmas and I think we are going to see Gulliver's Travels (see the trailer at MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS now). Also, Fabio saw the new Tron movie and I will have to tell you what he thought. I will do that when I review Gulliver. I will blog you again tomorrow. I hope you have a nice rest of what's left on Christmas (and that it's been great so far). TTTT...with what we may do for New Year's Eve...MITM (aubi 5000).

Happy Festivus!!!!!

This morning I went shopping with Splenda. There's someone at her work that is raising three kids on her own and she is having a hard time this Christmas with gifts. Two of the kids are very young and there was the possibility of the "magic of Christmas" to have to stop. We could not see that happen. I have totally been living the scrooge role this past week, right down to being a wonderful dude at the end when it really mattered. I am not saying this to show how great I am just to show that the Christmas spirit lives and we can all do a little to make someone else's Christmas a little be more magical.

Then, this afternoon, Fabio and I went Christmas shopping. I have been Christmas shopping every day for the past two weeks I think. I don't mind the slushy streets or the busy stores or parting with the money. I just want everybody to be happy...EVERYBODY! A Festivus for the rest of us! Thankfully, I have no grievances with any of you. Don't think I forgot you either. A donation in your name has been made to The Human Fund. Money for the people!

I have to take a nap so I can perform well in the feats if strength tonight. I have been up since 2:00 AM and the festivustivities begin in about three hours. I don't know what makes me think I will be able to put on my kerchief and take a short winter nap when I cannot even sleep at night. Maybe I should push on through and just be crabbier than usual in the hopes that I would sleep through the night; now that would be a Christmas miracle. I can't wait to tell you about what we are doing tonight which I hope becomes an annual tradition. I know I am building it up too much but let-downs are supposed to be a big part of Christmas. I will have pictures too. I just checked NORAD's Santa Tracker (North American Aerospace Defense Command) and Santa is in Baghdad, Iraq now and his next stop is Moscow, Russia (as of 2:53 PM MIDDLE time). It's a great way to find out where Santa is at all times so you know what time you need to be asleep. There are also Youtube videos of Santa's progress.



I wish you and your family a very special Christmas. As I said yesterday, if you need a place to go tonight or tomorrow there's always room at our Inn. Get away to the MATTger there's especially room for you babes (I always go too far don't I?)! Be safe and live the MATTgic....   BELIEVE!      TTTXMAS...MITM

Kitschmas is Approaching!

I am sicker than a blog. I don't know if I got germs from interviewing Santa yesterday  who talks to sick kids all the time, spending so much time in hospital (staying British) and the doctor's office with Sugar Momma, being worried about SM or it just happened but I am sick for the first time in nearly two years. It may just actually be a humbug that's going around (OMG, ROFL, LOL...). Humbug (HA)

Laura Birn and Hannu-Pekka Bjorkman in Joulutarina

Speaking of my humbug I don't think I am negative on the season anymore. Again, maybe from talking with Santa but more likely from the Christmas CD's that J.R. sent me (I listen to them non-stop). It also could be that my Mattstrual cycle has run its course. I also watched a Christmas movie on Netflix last night that I had never heard of before that I think helped too. I probably never heard of it because it's a movie from Finland. The movie is called Joulutarina (Christmas Story). I think I will break here and go to MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS and review it so that the link there actually means something. Okay...I wrote the review and posted it. It's kind of a Christmas miracle (I know I overuse that term) but it just appeared on my Netflix as a "movies Matt would like." Sometime they are wrong and sometime they are right.

Sugar Momma is sleeping and not coughing. It's fantastic...that surgery totally helped that part at least. Don't tell her but she is sleeping so soundly that she is actually snoring. She's so far behind on her sleep that she is probably sleeping very deeply. I think I may have sleep-envy.

Kitschmas Tree

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am very excited about something we are going tomorrow night. I like to do weird/different kitschy things and I think this will start a Kitschmas Tradition. I will probably write about it on my Christmas Day blog. This time of year is all about waiting. You will probably read it later in the day after all of the morning hoopla dies down; if not, you may never know. Christmas Eve Sugar Momma's brother and his family and Sugar Momma's sister are coming over. We are doing something different this year for gifts; we are all buying a $20 gift and wrapping it and then there are  several different stories of how we are deciding who get swhich gift but it sounds like maybe musical chairs or hot potato or something for gifts. It's hard buying for someone when you don't even know who (or even gender) you're buying for. I am being open-minded but I think I prefer Secret Santa or maybe even just buying for the kids though the"kids" are 13 - 21. I will let you know about that Christmas Day too. We also have an ugly ornament contest. I am going to win this year - I never have won. Man, the Christmas Day blog is writing itself. Then, Christmas morning, my parents are coming over. Looks like I have the next couple of days pretty well booked...just like the rest of you right? If you have nowhere to go PLEASE PLEASE come and join us on one or both of these days!

Okay that's it for now because I need to...you know (TWSS). I have plenty more to write for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. TTTChristmas Eve....MITM out! Now off to do more shopping!!!!!

Blog-wide Exclusive - Santa Interview!!!!

I had the rare privileged of speaking with Kris Kringle (Santa Claus) this morning  and following is some of our discussion. He was also nice enough to address some of the questions you wanted me to ask him ---

MITM: In the United States we know you as Santa Claus or St. Nicholas but your are known by different names throughout the world. Which name do you like the best?
Santa: I like them all equally because they are my name. It’s like calling your mom and dad mother and father or ma and pa...they all mean the same thing. In Italy I am Babbo Natale, Father Christmas in England, In Morocco I am Black Peter, Hagios Nikolaos in Greece, In Russia Grandfather Frost, the Dutch call me Sint Nikolaas or Sinterklaas...you get the idea. Different parts of the World call me by different names but it’s all me.
MITM: How do you know which children want which gifts and if they have been naughty or nice?
Santa: Technology has helped a lot over the years. These days I use the internet and computers to do most of my leg work. I still get tons of mail and I read every letter that I receive. I also read several blogs. I read your blog and as hard as you try to be a bad boy I know you are really a good boy. I still rely on helpers like mall Santa’s and elves to help me know what is going on. I also visit malls myself so the children never know if it’s me or one of my helpers’ laps they’re sitting on.
MITM: If you read my blog then you know that some other people have questions that they wanted me to ask you. Do you mind?
Santa: Of course not...ask away
MITM: Thanks Santa. Okay the first one is from 6-year-old Jacob who wants to know if you go on vacations.
Santa: That’s a really good question Jacob. We work hard all year making sure that all of the boys and girls are keeping their rooms clean and doing what their moms and dads tell them to do and all of the usual good-kid stuff but I do get away when we shut the shop down three times a year. Even though a large part of my life is travel Mrs. Claus and the elves don’t get to enjoy that part of the business so while I am traveling the World I find new places for Mrs. Claus and I to visit. I usually shave my beard and nobody recognizes me but sometimes I leave the beard. Kids stare at me and think it’s me but they usually decide that it couldn’t possibly be me. I could be right next to you in line at an amusement park or a restaurant and you wouldn’t even know it without my beard. That’s why I always laugh when I hear that song that says “you better be good for goodness sake” because I could be right next to you watching you. Also, Jacob I know about your autograph request and look for it Christmas morning.
MITM: Now you’re showing off Santa. How did you know he asked for an autograph?
Santa: I told you...I am always watching. Why don’t you ask me his sister Angel’s question? Ho Ho Ho
MITM: You really do laugh like that...I thought that was made-up. Well, I am guessing you already know what Angel wants to know but since my blog readers don’t...can you leave her a photo of you with the reindeer and an autograph too?
Santa: Of course, Angel...that’s one of the easier requests I will get and you have been good for goodness sake Ho Ho Ho Ho.
MITM: That makes me wonder Santa. Do you give everybody everything they want?
Santa: No, not even close. I can’t get everybody everything they want. Firstly, children wouldn’t appreciate the things they received if they got everything they wanted and sometimes children ask for things that they are not ready for or aren’t safe for them. Also, even though they think they might like something, I know that there’s a lot of bad toys out there and I am always looking out for the children's best interests...much like their parents do.
MITM: Santa, sweet little Judii wants to know if your nose and cheeks are so rosie because you drink so much.
Santa: Though I do drink a lot of milk and hot cocoa on my travels Judii I don’t think that contributes to my rosie cheeks. Mostly I think it’s because I am in an open-air sleigh traveling at face-numbing speeds and I don’t care for scarves. That is why I have the beard, to help protect my neck and chin from the wind-burn. I also have a naturally-rosie glow. Speaking of the treats that boys and girls leave me I want them all to know that I really appreciate them all. I eat a lot of them but I also take lots of them back to share with the elves and Mrs. Claus because they work just as hard as I do even though I get most of the credit. Also, the carrots and apples and other goodies you leave for the reindeer are greatly appreciated too because they work very hard in our travels and need their strength. Little known reindeer facts...Blitzen likes pizza and Comet loves chips and salsa but they’ll eat anything.
 MITM: I really appreciate you speaking with me Santa. Do you have a little more time?
Santa: Just a little because this is a very busy time for me and I know you don’t want your blog to get too long again TWSS - Ho Ho Ho Ho...that never gets old. I HOL (ho out loud) every time you blog that.
MITM: What are your favorite Christmas movies Santa?
Santa: I like the ones that most people like. I liked the first Tim Allen The Santa Clause movie. I like Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Miracle on 34th Street, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Charlie Brown Christmas and both Grinch movies. It’s a Wonderful Life, of course. I like A Christmas Story but the department store Santa is annoying. Elf is a huge favorite around the office; we cannot believe how close that is to accurate; it was almost like a documentary. We watch that movie year-round. We suspect a spy but that’s okay because it’s pretty complimentary for the most part. Bad Santa is pretty funny because it is so absurd but that’s not for the kids.

MITM: I can tell by all the hustle bustle that you need to get going and I thank you very much for all that you do throughout the year to help make this a special time of year for all of the kids and we kids at heart. I also really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me and my MIDDLERS.

Santa: It was entirely my pleasure Middle Matt. I always enjoy taking time to speak to people like you and your readers who appreciate the elves' hard work. Have a great Christmas and make sure you're asleep before I get to your house.


And he was off and he exclaimed as he rode out of sight Merry Christmas to all and to all a good blog! (I added that last part). TTTT...remember to be nice!

Sugar Momma Houdini Has Escaped!

Happy first day of Winter. Winter came in like a lion in the MIDDLE last night; a lion with a really really bad case of dandruff. Driving home from the hospital last night was crazy as there were accidents everywhere; slow down and pay attention (duh). And then this morning I got out the Head & Shoulders (snow blower) and the driveway is dandruff-free.

Actual E.R. photo of Sugar Momma's surgery

After cleaning the driveway I went over to hospital (I didn't say "the" hospital because I wanted to sound British) and sprung Sugar Momma. The surgery went well once they got her sedated. From what the doctors and anesthesiologist told me Sugar Momma was quite a handful prior to the surgery. She confirmed all of what they said. I guess they didn't want her completely unconscious for the surgery because if she would begin vomiting she would have choked to death without them knowing so they basically just needed her tranquilized. They put the breathing tube down her throat and she began vomiting so then they put some topical ointment in her throat but that didn't help. They ended up having to give her cocaine to calm her down.  Hospitals rock....they gave me morphine and her cocaine! I guess the coke wasn't even enough as she managed to get her hands out of the restraints (maybe it gave her super-momma strength) and pull the tubes from her throat (Sugar Momma Houdini) and the anesthesiologist told her this morning that she even hit him. I guess she kept telling them that they didn't know what they were doing and maybe they should try something else. It all ended up going well other than that. With all of the E.R. commotion they decided to keep her over-night to make sure her breathing was not a problem. I think they were really testing her blood and stuff to see where she got She-Hulk strength enough to destroy the entire E.R. She says she is going back to work tomorrow. She's lying in bed right now working on her work computer and she's been out of hospital (British accent no extra charge) for less than a fort-night (is that an hour?).

FEED THE WORLD!!!! (my favorite Christmas song)

I received a very nice and thoughtful package (TWSS) yesterday from a dear old friend (the person is not old but we have been friends for around 40 years). A little over three hours of Christmas music (becasue he sent me three year's worth). I must honestly say that I am very selective in my Christmas listening (you already know I'm somewhat of a humbug) but the discs I received were just the Christmas songs I like; they are exactly what I would have picked for myself. Songs like: Hardrock, Cocoa and Joe, Do They Know It's Christmas (feed the world), Christmas Time (Charlie Brown), Elf's Lament, Baby, It's Cold Outside...I guess I can't list all 51 songs, yes I counted them. I am listening to them now and loading them onto Roz's Christmas playlist. I cannot thank you enough J.R; you are single-handedly going to get me in the Christmas spirit.

I am getting a cold. I haven't been sick in about two years and I am getting sick now. I think there is a direct correlation between stress and illness and I have not been as stressed as I used to be since eating all of the government cheese. I think maybe Sugar Momma being sick so much lately has stressed me out. Maybe it was going to hospital and being around all of the sickies. I am glad Sugar Momma came home because if she weren't here all of the plants would die. She was gone one day and the 52" television won't turn on - it's dead; and then depression set in. We are a carefully balanced Helser eco-system and cannot function without our Sugar Momma; we think we could but we really know that we can't.

Oh, sure NASA gets to see it.

The darn weather last night prevented us from seeing the lunar eclipse. I really wanted to see that one too. The last one was in the 1600's and the next one is gonna be in like 2094 or something. I don't think I'm going to enjoy it as much at 136 years old but I guess I will just have to wait. Consider this your save-the-date invitation so we can watch it together. Maybe in 84 years we can actually watch a full Earth eclipse from the moon. That is if that lady from Spain that owns the moon let's us stop by.

Speaking of Christmas spirit and traveling to the moon...tomorrow is my big blog interview with Jolly Old Saint Nick (Santa Claus); I am so excited. People have sent me a few questions that they want me to ask the jolly old elf but I doubt that you want me asking all of my questions as you know I am mischievous and cannot be trusted to drive this sleigh alone. Send me your questions today or tonight: here, on my facebook or email them to me at mattgarita@msn.com. Have a nice winter wonderland of a day. TTTT...MITM (soon to be with Santa).

I Wish Good Health to You and Yours because this stinks!

I am going to do this blog without images because of the computer on the lap conditions (thank you for your understanding)

Sugar Momma is in surgery and you are sitting with me in the hospital cafeteria. They have a really nice cafeteria at Kishwaukee Community Hospital. I am having a salad and cottage cheese and a caffeine-free diet coke. Right before her bed was wheeled to surgery she told me to make sure that Fabio finishes school (she was referring to him going to college) and I promised I would. She has always dictated last will and testament stuff when she has had surgeries...just in case. I will update how she is doing on Facebook but I'm sure she will be fine.

I put pepper on my cottage cheese...do you?

Last night I went to the Christmas party of my friend from work, John. Sugar Momma didn't feel well so I went alone though I gave rides to a couple of people. It was a really good time but I would have felt better this morning if she had gone with me. I tend to be a person that cannot behave properly in public without adult supervision. I took a dish to pass and a six-pack of Red Stripe Light and figured that would keep me out of trouble. But when I got there I was forced to take shots of Jose Cuervo and melon and cranberry jello shots topped with that alcoholic whipped cream (forced by my own psycotic need to be the life of every party) . That whipped cream ruins the jello shots. It tastes okay when you just squirt it in your mouth though (I bet). And then there was a hot wing eating contest (temperature not quantity) and I tied with my Friend Chris K.; we agreed to stop where we did and accept a tie. I know what you're asking..."hey Matt In The Middle, I thought you were a vegetarian?" They were kind enough to let me use broccoli instead of chicken; I wish they hadn't been so kind. Chris and I shared about a gallon of John's milk and then I drank a half of a bottle of Peptol Bismol off and on through the night. Sugar Momma said that I'm an idiot...like that's new news. I have som party photos that I will post tomorrow.

They just called me from the operating room (about an hour and a half since S.M. went into the O.R.) and said that they have not started the operation yet because they are having a problem with the airway. Nothing to worry about but they just wanted to let me know what was going on. They are just waiting to try to get the air tube down her throat again.

I am gonna stop for today and I will blog you again tomorrow. I am kind of distracted and I am trying to keep it short (TWSS) for awhile again. Snow storm tonight and there is supposed to be a full lunar eclipse tonight that can be seem anywhere the moon is visable  - about midnight in the MIDDLE. The doctor just came out and said "nothing to worry about..." but depending on what goes on S.M. might not be able to come home tonight. WTF? This was supposed to be an easy one hour outpatient procedure. I will keep you updated on facebook.

The Last Temptation of Matt In The Middle

America, What A Country!

I couldn't just leave my last blog from earlier today as it was but I was tempted. The last temptation of Matt. I am going to make this one brief too though. While I was searching YouTube for a video to celebrate that I can do whatever I want with my blog I was searching "Yakov Smirnoff / What a Country" (you MIDDLER-AGERS remember him) and found this video that seems to be blatant false advertisement (sure, get the former commie to sell your lies). I want my two more octanes damn it! Maybe that's what they were disposing of in The Gulf (burning the octane evidence).

Today is my little brother's birthday. I really, really. really, really wish I could be with him today. Not just because he lives in Hawaii with perfect weather every day surrounded by beautiful, mostly naked, tanned women who smell like Hawaiian Tropics (literally) and great seafood straight from the ocean (ask any mermaid you happen to see) and pineapples and coconuts fresh from the trees; I love singing happy birthday and I am a pyro (as you blog-faithful know) so I love lighting candles! Happy birthday little buddy!!!!

Starring Matt In The Middle Wollery

Sugar Momma and I went to dinner with the same people that we went out with last weekend but we added one person in an attempt at a Love Connection! (see last saturday's blog for major players) We went to Old Town Pub and Eatery in Wasco/Campton Hills. I had fun and I think everybody had a good time. I don't know if there was a love connection but they seemed to like one another and we'll see what happens. On the way home we swung by a house that goes a little "merry" with the Christmas lights in Elburn (42W891 Beith Rd.) The line of cars to the house was very very long (TWSS) and we didn't feel like waiting so we only saw it from a distance. We will go back later this week with the kids to see the show. (click <--- there for a taste)

The Senate voted Saturday to end the 17-year ban on openly gay troops (soldiers) known as "don't ask, don't tell." I think this is another step toward our country's founding beliefs that we are all created equal. I chose to leave the word "men" out of that last sentence because "men," to me in this instance, means "people." I am a little prouder to be American for the second or third time this year. I found this video that I think it's funny and sort of touches on (TWSS) this (okay not very much) and I love Craig Ferguson; the later late-night shows have almost always been better because of the lightened censor scrutiny.

Tonight we are going to a Christmas party at my friend John's house (his second annual). It sounds like this is a wild one but Sugar Momma and I cannot be too wild or stay too late tonight; she has surgery in the morning (11:30 for those who like to pray). Mondays suck already so what's better than getting the surgery done on the suckiest day of the week and getting all the junky junk done in one day? On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven hours of surgery recovery, six magazines read, five hours of waiting room television, four coughing old people, three hot nurses, two worried kids and a BIG REASON TO LIKE OUR INSURANCE!!!!!!

I am practicing blogger-restraint and ending this one now; though it's the second one of the day. Five days until a new hilarious, in my warped opinion, holiday tradition begins in our home; I am already teasing my Christmas morning blog. Also, I have a blog interview scheduled with Santa Claus...yes, THE Santa Claus, on December 22nd. If you or your kids or your nieces/nephews or your neighbor kids...have anything you want me to ask Mr. Claus please let me know either here or at mattgarita@msn.com and I will ask...this IS REALLY going to happen and I would love to have your questions. TTTT (after the surgery unless they have wifi at the hospital)...MITM off.

See...I CAN Do it!

cue the music (why does this video last longer than it's name?)

To make up for yesterday's super-sized blog this one will be a bit shorter (insert your own joke here or use my usual one) and quick. 

Sam Clemens and Dorothy Quick

Have a great day! MITM

Blog as the Day is Long

Snozzberries...it's a household name!

cue today's christmas song

I'm not quite as crabby this morning as I was yesterday which is neither good nor bad. I guess it's good but the blog will be bad. Gonna try to keep this a little shorter (T not WSS) if I can but I have very little self-control when it comes to blogging; I am very blog-indulgent. I am going to think about baseball and dirt.

Last night when I got home about 12:30-ish from picking Splenda up from the friends that she rode home with in Arlington Heights I was hungry. I went to the refrigerator and saw that Sugar Momma had opened a jar of jam (or jelly - not sure the difference though I think one is smooth and one has fruit in it...this one was the fruity one). This was some of the stuff that Nature Woman made and gave to us earlier this fall. You know, I liked the name Nature Woman when I gave it to her but it's not that good of a name. Here I go getting off track like that Denzel Washington movie Unstoppable. Maybe the proper amount of sleep is important; I will never know. Anyway, going back like three sentences ago, I popped a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster and put this jam/jelly on the toast. Holy crap...that's the best jamn delly (I know) I have ever had. It's some kind of purple berry - boysenberry, raspberry, dingleberry, snozzberry...whatever it is it's amazing and it won't last the weekend.

Is that Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett or Fess Parker?

So now, getting to the tangent I was speeding toward about Nature Girl... she needs a better blog name. I am going to have a Name Nature Girl Contest. Help me come up with a suitable blog name for someone who is pretty much the female Daniel Boone/Davy Crockett mixed with Caroline Ingalls. She is a great mother who is very involved in all of her kids' scouts, bands, schools (all the kid stuff) and she makes homemade everything... Danielle Boone? She is also an archeologist and talks to apes (at least me that I know of for sure)...Dianne Fossey? Make some suggestions and I will post a poll (TWSS) and let you decide. I must have been in a good mood when I came up with Nature Woman because it kinda sucks. We need to get her a really good name so she likes me so much that I get dingleberry jelly for life and I can have MITM Summer Jam (OMG... LOL - does the humor ever start?)!

Is that my plate on that burgundy 4-Runner?

The hit and run accident case that I was supposedly involved in has one less in the cast of characters - me. I have been cleared by the good people at Allstate and State Farm insurances (a "state" conspiracy). I finally spoke to someone at Allstate after some help from State Farm (I should have Farmer's Insurance in the MIDDLE of the cornfield right? Though it is State FARM - pull it back in side-track boy). The woman at Allstate asked me "what color is your 4-Runner?" I told her that it's silver though Toyota calls it titanium (I like titanium better). "Ok then we know it wasn't you." Of course being the curious pain of a boy that I am, I prodded and found out that the vehicle that was involved in the hit and run while I was hundreds of miles South was Burgundy. I kept prodding and was told that the "victim" must have written the plate number down wrong. I then asked how could they have written the plate number down of a Burgundy 4-Runner wrong and it JUST HAPPENED TO BE the plates of my 4-Runner? She gave me some bologna about maybe all of the same types of vehicles have similar plates...BS; now I am going to be obsessed with proving her wrong by writing down every 4-Runner plate I see for the next couple of weeks.  Just a coincidence that my 4-Runner plates are very close to the plates of another 4-Runner that led back to me? Still seems very fishy to me. I guess I should just be happy I was exonerated and got something to blog about.

Now to the other bullet I dodged yesterday (there's no way I can keep a blog short is there?). My bi-weekly slice of Government Cheese that I received yesterday was a few slices thin of a full brick. So I called the cheese factory (government office) and waited most of the day for a call-back. When they called back I was told that the pool I was drawing from was depleted so I got $693 instead of the usual $924. The one in two weeks will move to the next pool that I will draw from and I should have 53 more weeks of full bricks of cheese coming to me. I do love cheese but I want to cut my own cheese again soon. I am happy that I paid into the Mar's Cheese Castle fund (that's an Illinois/Wisconsin cheese stop in Kenosha for all of you non-Illinois/Wisconsin Middlers) for all of those years so I am cheese-worthy.

Can you actually see Saturn from Mars?

I think I have a cavity though I brush my teeth all the time. Maybe brushing them in the shower isn't as effective even though it's longer (too easy)? I thought I was getting a cavity back awhile ago and I called Dekalb Dental, where we have gone for years, and they said come on in. I went in and they took X-rays (ching) and found nothing and talked me into a cleaning (ching-ching). Now it hurts again in the same spot...double-dippin' rat-bastards. We have good dental insurance (it's just like my friend Michelle says - "...Insurance companies are the biggest money making scammers...") and they smelled moolah. I am going somewhere else this time because, though I know nobody really cares about any of us, they could have disguised it a little better. I will probably either go to Dekamore Dental which you may remember from a previous blog or Prairie View Dental because they gave out dental floss at Corn Fest next to the free corn - very smart idea and very good marketing because I remembered them).

I have so many more important things (yeah right) to blog about but that will have to be tomorrow. Tonight we have two things to do...play matchmakers in Wasco (look for a TITANIUM 4-Runner at a restaurant if you're stalking) and/or go to a surprise party. We committed to the match-making first while I was smashed at Cabana Charlie's so we are going to have to go there and I will have to send my surprise regrets. Is "I was smashed" a loophole? Also, tomorrow night we are going to a Christmas party at one of my friend's houses from my part-time job. Ever since I started this blog we do a lot more. I don't know if people like me more now because they see I am not the jerk/moron that they thought I was or I just go places more now so I have way too much to blog about and write really, really long blogs. I think I probably like going out more now that I am thinner.  ENOUGH ALREADY BIG MOUTH (how about get some sleep so you shut-up?) Have a nice Saturday and I will blog you tomorrow about how great a match-making team we are (who is "we"? - gotta come back tomorrow or stalk us in Wasco to find out - will save you a seat). TTTT...MITM (quiet)! It's a cold Saturday...what else do you have to do besides read my long blog anyway? I made it long on purpose (TWHS).

I'm Changing My Name to Scrooge McGrinch!

I am gonna start my blog now because I am in a really crabby mood and I seem to be more entertaining when I am blogging my tantrums. I may post it later but I am writing it starting now (10:12 AM).

This is only rape I condone -  Nougatory Rape

I went to donate plasma this morning, already in a crappy mood, and the lady who was processing me to see if I was worthy of donating wasn't doing her job right. She forgot to do like three of the six things she was supposed to do (weigh me, attach the blood pressure cuff to my arm, check my arms for bruising, run my fingers under the black light, whatever that is for). Then she gets done and my protein level was 5.8; the minimum to donate is 6.0. Why the hell do I eat those high-calorie protein bars if my protein is still too low? I cannot be convinced that protein bars are not more than Snickers on steroids.  I may stop donating plasma. It's not worth that much hassle to save all of humanity one person at a time. How does the herd get properly thinned if I keep trying to save everybody. If YOU need plasma or blood or a kidney or whatever call me directly and I will donate it to you directly. I don't even care if you take it from me in a bathtub full of ice in a hotel room in Vegas.

I hope Sugar Momma doesn't get his surgeon Monday

Sugar Momma had intended to go to work today but her plans changed when she woke up this morning and she couldn't stand up her back hurt so bad. I noticed she kept holding it last night while we were shopping. She thinks that it may be from all of the coughing and she wrenching her body with the deep coughs she was doing. This morning she said, "great...my whole body is giving out!" She has given me a couple of good quotes the past few days. Two or three days ago when she was probably at her lowest (the night I stayed up all night to make sure she was breathing) she said, "if I die tonight make sure that the kids both laugh at least once every day." That was a very nice wish, I thought. I imagine they wouldn't have been able to start for a couple of days because even though those were her wishes the kids would look pretty insensitive laughing at the funeral and visitation. Thank goodness we don't have to worry about that now. Her surgery is scheduled for Monday. Maybe we can laugh while she's in recovery 5 days before Christmas.

I think I might hate Christmas. I was in the hospital over Christmas exactly 30 years ago Friday. That same year my dad's mom (my grandmother, obviously) was in the hospital in Rockford with some problems with diabetes. My poor dad was running back and forth in snow-storms with his son and mom both in hospitals a couple of hours apart from one another. One of my favorite parts of that Christmas in the hospital was when I was totally high on hospital-administered morphine (that was not even the best part) when in the MIDDLE of the night three of my friends (they will always be the Three Wisemen to me): Scott Simpson, Brian Olson and Mike Bjork (there may have been more but I was higher than Mount Crumpet) snuck up to my room through the hospital emergency entrance - they were drunk (allegedly) and I was high (legally)...I will never forget them for that. I miss those dudes. That was my fondest Christmas memory...other than that, I think I hate Christmas. Ironic that my favorite Christmas memory was when I was in the hospital - that should tell you something.

What are you but a warped, frustrated MIDDLE man?

I may be the love child (or hate child is probably more appropriate) of Scrooge McDuck and the Grinch. I am Scrooge McGrinch - humbug!

I don't think I really hate Christmas I just like thinking I hate Christmas. I blogged you a day or two ago that I like family and friends being together and faking kindness this time of year. I have one more thing to like about this Christmas - Splenda will be home today. This is the end of the month Mattstruation isn't it? Maybe that's why I dislike Christmas...it always falls at the end of the month right in the wheel-house of my Mattsruation-cycle. Maybe that was the problem with Ebenezer Scrooge and Mr. Potter and the Grinch; we share our negative lunar cycles. My blog solves life-long mysteries and you are there to witness it as my therapist yet again. You do such a great job just sitting in that big old mamby pamby leather chair and bringing it out of me (TWSS). It's a Christmas miracle.

I may have just got some more bad Christmas news but I will blog about that tomorrow after I find out the details. I may write tomorrow's blog now and just save it for tomorrow before I cheer myself up too much. Most of you don't read weekend blogs anyway so I will lie and say that I am going to reveal some big news in tomorrow's blog and most of you won't know I was lying except that I told you I am lying...or am I? Do I like green eggs and tofu ham? Sure I do...or do I? Enough you goof...TTTT...Scrooge McGrinch humbuggin' out and goin' home.

Matt On The Lamb

cue today's theme

I just got home from Christmas shopping. Man is Sugar Momma a slow shopper. I would blame it on her being sick but she has always been that way. I like to buy stuff and go. Actually it was nice to see Sugar Momma well enough to go shopping. She's gonna try to go into the office again tomorrow.

2010 Sugar Momma Health Watch Update

As far as the 2010 Sugar Momma health-watch - she went to a specialist today and he said she doesn't have asthma. I guess her esophagus is not working properly and stomach acids are backing up into her lungs so she cannot breath properly. Now she has to have surgery, non-evasive surgery, within the next two weeks and then she will supposedly be fine. I wish we had gone to this doctor first so she didn't have to take all of these medicines that did absolutely nothing. I was not at the appointment today because I had to pick Fabio up at school after the Winter Mixer. So my facts may or may not be 100% accurate but that's how I heard it and if it's wrong it's just slightly wrong.

I saw a Progressive television commercial today and it had a commercial for the new Tron movie within the Progressive commercial. How can there be a commercial within a commercial and how could I possibly have watched it? I was cleaning the kitchen while watching television and got stuck. Double whammy because that Progressive lady drives me batty. I liked her at first but not any more. I am sick of insurance all together - (we all say) I AM SICK OF INSURANCE!

I hope they have collision coverage

I have been going through an auto insurance ordeal for the last couple of months that I thought was done until I got the mail today. I received a letter from a collection agency today that says I owe Allstate Insurance a little over $1,400.; I have NEVER had Allstate Insurance. Here's what happened...I got a letter from Allstate Insurance in mid-November stating that I had been in an accident with a guy (name withheld by me). Firstly, I have had State Farm Insurance, not Allstate, since I was 18 and don't think I have ever had an accident to speak of and I may have had 3 tickets in 31 years (none in the last 20+) and you know that I am the best driver in the world (see previous blogs). Anyway, I called the number on the Allstate letter and left a message for the woman that it said that I should contact saying I did not have an accident. I heard nothing back. A couple of weeks later I received another letter and I called the number and left another message though her voice-mail this time said she'd be gone for a  couple of weeks. At that time I also wrote on the sheet that they sent me that I had been in no accidents and no one else had driven my cars and I mailed it to them on the postage-paid envelope they provided. I also called my State Farm agent at that time and told them what was going on and they said not to worry about it. Now, today I got the collection letter and I immediately took it to my agent and they thought it might be a scam and they gave me Allstate's 800 number to call. I called and was informed that supposedly I had been in a hit and run accident on Michigan Avenue in Chicago on October 15th at 6:17PM. That's the day that Sugar Momma, Fabio and I were on the way to Carbondale for family weekend at SIU with Splenda. We go south of  Rochelle on 39/51 and angle over from Bloomington to Champaign and then straight south...nowhere near Chicago. I have quite an alibi as, if necessary, I can produce gas station receipts and hotel receipts and dinner receipts and SIU bookstore receipts... for that entire weekend starting around the same time that I was supposed to have been hitting and running in Chicago. If I ever hit someone I would not run. That's why I have insurance..so I don't have to run. Now I have to go back to my agent tomorrow and take the original letter with my notes. Luckily I am the kind of CYA guy (Cover Your A$$) that documents everything. I think this still may be a scam but of the guy who filed the claim not of the insurance agency. I asked Jason at Allstate that if I supposedly hit and ran why did the police not contact me so I could have straightened it out with them or been arrested? He said Chicago police don't do that because they are too busy with other things. Sure, until I get pulled over for a taillight out or something and find that I have a warrant out for my arrest. I may be a fugitive...cool! Look for the one-armed Matt.

They'll never take me alive!

See why I have a blog? I am a story magnet. Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...actually you do because I blog it all. I guess that's all I can blog today because "you're in good hands with MattInTheMiddle." I'll be on the lamb at my hideout but I will still blog from my get-away van down by the river. Sorry it's so long - another thing we can blame the insurance companies for. Have a nice Friday morning and I will blog you sometime throughout the day. TTTT...MITM (from an undisclosed location)

James Franco to Portray Matt In The Middle!

cue the song I am obsessed with right now

Tanqueray and chronic  (or codeine)

Thank you to everyone for all of your concern for Sugar Momma's health and for watching my frustration of not being able to do anything to help her the last few days. She is doing pretty well right now but she is working again (from home) instead of resting so she will probably be sick again tonight. She has been able to keep a little food down which is a start. She said she took more cough medicine (with codeine) than she should have taken but you know how it is when you are sick; you'll do whatever it takes to feel better just for a little while. Early this morning (2:00 AM-ish - though we have electricity...wait for it...) she was very quiet so I kept checking on her. It was like when the kids were babies and I kept waking them up to make sure they were breathing. Maybe I should get a Sugar Momma Monitor.  It's a good thing I only require two hours of sleep a night so I can be a night watchman.

I started to think about new professions I should consider. I don't sleep much so maybe a firefighter or a nuclear silo button watcher. Maybe I should be a birthday clown or a magician though I don't know what that has to do with not sleeping. Maybe a 24-hour computer psychic...you're getting very tired of my rambling (how'd I do?). I wish this blogging would turn into a  paying gig since I do that every day anyway. If you want to take me on a tropical trip with you and blog your adventures I would be happy to do that for you. Even arctic adventures would be fine. Alicia Keys' loss could be your gain. Have you ever read Alicia Keys' blog, no but you read this one...just shows that Ms. Keys (cause I'm nasty) made the wrong decision. I am still working on those three books. I also have a sure-fire invention in my head but I am stuck on the mechanics/materials of it right now. The idea is sure-fire but I have to figure the design before I can get it patented...there are several ways I can go with it right now. That was a pretty vague paragraph but sometimes I just like to tickle the old plasticies (ivories if it were a piano) brainlessly and see what pops up (TWSS). Thanks for indulging me.

I saw a truck today with letters on it listing everything that this company did. One of the things said "Mosquito Abatement." I think that's something I could master though I don't really know what it means in this instance; it's kind of ambiguous. Abatement is a word that has such a wide-spectrum of meanings. It goes all the way from reducing/decreasing to eliminating. How can you say that they did a poor job with that wide of a margin of error? I could easily be a master abater. I abate blog readers every day.

James Franco as Matt Helser in Matt In The Middle (the movie)

I had them poke my left arm today so I could write all of my fascinating blog ideas with my right hand and I still can't make out some of my notes. One says "had the other towaacocs." Part of the problem today was that when they poked me (TWSS) it was instant, tremendous pain. It felt like they were poking me with needles full of gasoline fires. I guess that makes sense since she was poking me with a needle but it hurt like Helser! I figured I could take it since it was only for an hour and I was right...I Matted up and was in constant excruciating pain for an hour. I just channeled Michael Franti over and over; Roz did actually. It was like that James Franco movie 127 Hours where the dude cuts off his own arm, though I haven't seen the film yet. If they do a re-make or a sequel where he cuts the other arm off I should play the part and I will do my own stunts; I honestly think I could cut off my own arm...I am looking for work you know and that kinda work should pay handsomely . Speaking of that I have to review Dinner Rush on MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS. I have watched it and now I just need to write the review. If you go there and it's not posted yet that's because I am writing it now and it will be posted momentarily. I have been preoccupied with my fledgling medical and pin cushion careers...sans the great parking.

Oh...I figured it out..."had the other towaacocs" means I had the other two Vita Cocos; those coconut water drinks. The mango one was good but I think I liked the pineapple one the best. All three (including the plain coconut water) were very good and healthy.

Tomorrow is Christmas shopping day. Thank you Baby Jesus. Though I think Christmas has become a commercial travesty I still love Christmas. It means spending time with family and friends. With all of our busy schedules it's nice that there's a time set aside for that. Maybe that's what the miracle of Christmas really is; that our schedules get put on hold, by law, for at least one day a year. This year is even more special to me because Splenda will be home. I took it for granted that she was here all of those years. I can't wait to see her again in a couple of days.


Tomorrow will be a whole new blog. Don't give up on me...I won't give up on you. TTTT...MITM (ever hopeful)!