You Callin' Me a Speciesist?

Good day to you my fine unfeathered friend; I realize I am making a gross assumption but if you are feathered I apologize. Let it be known, however, that I do not discriminate.

I will neither confirm nor deny that is our boat

I am blogging to you right now at the usual time that I would normally be half-way deplasmified. I almost felt like going back today just to see if my midi-chlorians had returned to the usual mortal-level but I am not in the mood for rejection today. You'd think I would be jonesin' for rejection by now. Today may just be a GTL day (gym, tan and laundry). I decided to try to become even more annoying now that the Dirty Laundry blogcast is up and running. If you haven't heard the premier episode there's no time like the present. I don't want to take the thunder out of episode two (which hasn't been recorded yet, but, will be streaming by April 8th) but since episode one I have decided to take on a nickname because Sugar Momma now wants to be called Cha Cha. I am now The Agitator. It's a good laundry term and it's one of the things I seem to do best. So, now I have to talk like that dude from Jersey Shores, The Situation. I am proud to say that I have never seen that show. I do, however, know who The Situation and Snookie are because of my general pop-culture I.Q. via osmosis.

As long as I am on the rejection portion of our blog - should I be worried that I haven't received my invitation to The Prince William - Kate MIDDLEton wedding yet? I am sure it's just an over-site. Have you received yours yet? In a way I'd be kinda relieved if they left me off the list this time. What the heck do you get them? I just mentioned them in the blog and that's everybody's dream. Pretty hard to top that...a blogcast shout-out perhaps?

Bird Whisperer In the Middle

I heard yesterday that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) wants the publishers of a new translation of the New International Version Bible to personalize animals. The group wants them to refer to animals as "he" and "she" rather than "it." PETA said that The Bible is "speciesist." They went on to say "language matters...calling an animal ‘it’ denies them something. They are beloved by God. They glorify God." As you remember last year I became known as the Bird Whisperer for my attempt to save the birds across the street from cats and for hand-feeding and putting a bird back in the nest in our yard after it fell from the tree. I also feed the ducks and the birds on Mattgarita Island every day. I know I may seem prejudice toward birds but I am not a speciesis; birds just seem to need my help more often (I did adopt a Manatee remember). Anyway, I find this ridiculous. I know PETA probably needs to stay in the news for funding reasons but their radical behavior like: wanting to change The Bible, throwing red paint on people... makes them look like nuts. The way to change peoples' minds is not by becoming lunatic fringe. Discrimination has always been prevalent in America and, unfortunately, probably always will be. Who are you more likely to follow? An eloquent man who speaks with calm loving words or a person dressed like a ghost yelling ghastly things at innocent children and burning crosses in someone's yard in the name of religion? I realize comparing PETA to the Ku Klux Klan is very extreme and not entirely fair but you get the point. Even the great man named Jesus mentioned that man was greater than beasts. I think lamb was even served at his last supper. Hey PETA, are you responsible for liberating that poisonous cobra from The Bronx Zoo? Sorry, I am not sure if it's a Him" or "Her." Maybe that's my issue - I don't want to offend an animal by calling a male chipmunk "madam." Birds make it easy - the more colorful is usually the male (I will stop right there).

Mister or Miss Peabody?

Speaking of stopping right there I have prattled-on long enough. We will be recording the next Dirty Laundry blogcast in the next three or four days so if there's something you want to know about us or hear our views or ideas on something drop me a line here, on Facebook or email me at mattgarita@msn.com. Enjoy the MIDDLE weather today because they're talking about rain tomorrow in the MIDDLEwest; it's better than snow right now. TTTT...MITM (off) hit it Hal

This Blog is Stuck in Second Gear!

I am going to do a terrific blog today - hit it Hal

Hey, That's not a MATT in the MIDDLE!

I just learned from my friend Dena that today is Friend Appreciation Day. What a great day; every day should be friend appreciation day. Friends are what make life bearable most of the time. So, let me start  by saying that I appreciate you and I am glad you appreciate me enough to be reading that I appreciate you. Over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about past friendships as four or five very hard-working ladies (why is it always the ladies?) are organizing our 30-year high school reunion. I think about friendships lost and friendships forgotten and have many regrets. I usually think everything is about me, good or bad, so I mainly blame myself for losing friendships over the years. I guess I was just too lazy and selfish to put in the time. I have grown and chilled and become wiser and much more patient and understanding but why does that have to come when we're in the twilight of our life? I am happy where I am in life but there are many regrets. The friends I have now, and the ones I am getting back and adding all the time, will be here until the end (since at my age that could be tomorrow). Sappy time is over...now on to the usual nonsense FRIENDS!

The Dirty Laundry blogcast is just about ready. There is a way that you can listen to it now but the iTunes process takes longer than I had read. The Apple review process for it to appear on iTunes takes two to three weeks. In the meantime you can listen to it from our sight and you can even load it through your personal devise (i-pod...) until it becomes more convenient through iTunes. I will update you later today or tomorrow on the Dirty Laundry (podcast) Facebook fan page. Don't be left out - JOIN TODAY!

I had heard that Katie Holmes was going to be playing Jacqueline Kennedy but had forgotten. So, now the mini-series she is playing Jackie Kennedy in will begin this Sunday night at 10:00PM MIDDLEtime on Reelzchannel (channel 238 on DirecTv on Mattgarita Island). The movie is called The Kennedys. In addition to Mrs. TomKat, the mini-series also stars Greg Kinnear as John F. Kennedy and Barry Pepper as Robert Kennedy (a couple of my favorite actors). I don't know anything about the show except from what I have read. I read that it is done in the vein of The Godfather with Joe Kennedy being kind of a Vito Corleone-type (sounds like it will historically accurate then). I have set a season-pass on the DVR and I will let you know what episode one looks like Monday or Tuesday...we can compare notes. I have always been fascinated by the Kennedys maybe because JFK was the Prez-dispenser when I was born (I was 2-months old when he was shot). Hey, Prez-dispensers would be cool except for maybe the Lincoln one (sorry).

Geez...I am running long again but that great Prez-dispenser idea I just had made me remember an idea I woke up with in the MIDDLE of the night. I will mention it here so I can get credit and be able to sue when someone steals my idiotic-intellectual property. I want to start a Facebook Protection Program (like the Witness Protection Program). I keep hearing of people getting busted for their stupidity of photos they posted or not being accepted into colleges because of their shenanigans. I would offer a service that creates (ghosts) a fake Facebook site for you that would make you be the person you should be for the opportunities you seek. It's kind of like a false-advertisement firm. I think I would call it Mattmen! You know it's a good idea...just admit it.


Alrighty, go out there and make new friends, be a good friend and appreciate your current friends. Again, I appreciate you stopping by whenever you can; I know you're busy. Have a great day and I'll update you later about the blogcast (that's what we're gonna call it now). TTTT...MITM (off)
hit it Hal

My Midichlorians are Higher than Anakin Skywalker's!

The FORCE is strong in the MIDDLEwest

Top of the Tuesday to ya! This morning I woke up and felt like the bad mood-storm had passed. Then I went to donate plasma (one of my usual Tuesday/Thursday rituals) and the worm turned (TWSS). My blood pressure was okay and my protein was okay but my midichlorians (MIDDLE-chlorians) were too high. I think they said that they are higher than Anakin Skywalker's. They actually said something like my "dehymatients" were too high but I cannot find what that means (or anything close to that word) anywhere so I will assume that I am a Jedi Knight. I asked the lady, "what does that mean?" She said that "it could mean that you're dehydrated." I guess it works out well because I haven't worked-out in a while since we were out of town so now I can work out today. Should I work-out if my midichlorians are too high? Do I really need to work out or can I just Jedi mind-trick myself into shape? I really don't think I am dehydrated; I guess working out for a couple hours will help me find out, huh? As if I don't have enough self-doubt issues in my life now I have to figure out what "dehematients" are and what they mean to me. I just checked Lance Armstrong's site and I don't see them anywhere though he has great tips on building protein. Maybe I will call over or go back over to BioLife today and speak to a doctor to find out how much time I have to LIVE STRONG. I BELIEVE that I may retire from the plasma game - it's too much. But then, what would I have to blog about and who would save the galaxy one plasma donation at a time?

Sugar Momma did the art work for the Dirty Laundry podcast last night and started a mini-website; man is she talented. She's way too good for me; good thing she has bad hearing and poor sight or I would be alone (don't tell her I blogged that). My plan is to get the podcast to iTunes today for their review in hopes that it will be accepted before April 1st for listing on iTunes. Either way it should be available for you to listen to by Friday (April 1st). I plan to use The Force to speed Apple up even though it's supposed to only take 24 hours for their review process. Make sure to join the other single-digit of fans at the Dirty Laundry (podcast) Facebook page because that will probably be the easiest place to click the podcast link.

Even Lady Ga Ga seems to love Alejandro

I think, actually I know, that I am out of "the" loop. You know that I like Mr. Peanut, especially now that RDJ (Robert Downey, Jr.) does the voice. I guess this commercial has been around since the Super Bowl but I just saw the commercial with the Planters almond dude, Alejandro, while watching the Kansas/Virginia Commonwealth NCAA game Sunday. I love the Diamond-brand wasabi soy sauce almonds but if Planters has them I may switch teams because I think Alejandro and I should be Bromigos; we have the same fashion-sense!

Graceland fact of the day - Elvis had three televisions in his basement because he had heard that President Lyndon Baines Johnson watched all three networks at the same time and he wanted to do the same. For you non-MIDDLE-agers...when we MIDDLERS were youngsters we only had ABC, CBS and NBC. We also had PBS but they weren't a network and they were even more boring then than they are now. We also had some UHF stations (ultra high frequency) but they were usually "snowy" (static) until FOX grew from the snowy ashes and changed everything. we also had spectra-vision which we watched between the squiggles because at night they were the pioneers of Skin-O-Max. Factoid - the "B" in Matthew B. Helser does not stand for "Baines" either for those of you keeping score at home.

Who took my pen? Your Jedi mind-tricks will not work on me.

It's time for me to fly. I am going to work on the podcast first though maybe I will get hydrated as a precaution before. Yesterday I was playing the podcast to get it ready and our dog, Maisy the Pod-Dog, walked into the studio (it's really just an office but now I like to call it "the studio"). She never comes in when it's just me in here. She heard Sugar Momma's voice coming from the speakers and thought SM was in here. She thinks that SM is her mama. She follows her around like a dog; I think it's more than the fact that Sugar Momma drops food all the time and she likes to help by vacuuming it up. Have a slightly warmer day today - don't worry, the warmer weather is bound to arrive soon. TTTT...MITM (left half-an-hour ago but Jedi'd like I was still blogging - psych!) TA!

Happy Howard Hughes Monday!

Best not drop in unannounced today

I feel like today is going to be a Howard Hughes day for me. Of course, I am talking about his days in Vegas while he was having a breakdown and staying locked in a room alone totally nude with bottles of his urine lining the walls. It is still the end of the month and it seems that my Pre-Mattstruation Syndrome has turned into full-blown Hughesmanship (I would be happier to deal with it if I get some of the monetary benefits). I think I may just still be over-tired (allegedly).

Once I snap out of it I am going to put the finishing touches on the Dirty Laundry podcast so it will launch in 4 days; man, that went fast.

I was passing by a television last night and I saw a commercial for a new episode of Sarah Palin's Alaska. I thought that I had heard that her show got canceled so I stopped in my papa bear tracks. Upon further examination the commercial was for a show called Only In America with Larry The Cable Guy." I think it may actually be the same show with Daniel Lawrence Whitney (Larry the Cable Guy) playing the part of Sarah Palin. That's exactly what they need to do on Two and a Half Men; drop Larry the Cable Guy in there.

Well, I made one prediction for the NCAA Tournament and Kansas was knocked off yesterday by 11th seed VCU. Sorry if your were pound-foolish enough to listen to me. I know Academy Awards but I guess NCAA basketball is a little above my blog-grade. I watched quite a bit of the game. Actually, I sat down to watch four hours of commercials and they kept interrupting the commercials with a few minutes of basketball here and there. While I am on the subject of commercials - remember how I have blogged you a few times about the blatant Chevrolet advertisement/logo placements in Hawaii Five-O?  In last week's episode they took it to a new level. All of the good guys were driving Chevy's and all of the bad guys were driving Ford's. It was crazy; I guess they continue to get advertisements that way and through weak-minded people who blog about such nonsense.

Elvis' famous Jungle Den ("The Jungle Room")

While we were at Graceland last week we were talking to one of the security guards and he was telling us that there have only been two people he has ever seen go up to the Elvis' bedroom/bathroom (where Elvis died and "lived") besides members of Elvis' family and/or The Memphis Mafia. I know some of you know who these two individuals were since Sugar Momma (her new nickname is coming after the first podcast because I don't want to steal her podcast thunder) posted it on her Facebook. Can you guess who the two people were who were allowed upstairs above The Jungle Room? I will tell you in a minute to give you time to think (or stop here for a moment). If there's any place in America that needs a ghost hunter to check out I think it's Graceland. Elvis died here somewhat violently, gastronomically speaking, and he, his parents and his grandmother are all buried there. Plus, this is the place he loved so where would he spend eternity if he got to choose? If there are ghosts they should be here right? "Followed the ghost of Elvis..." Also, a week from today is the 43rd anniversary of the day that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated in Memphis. Okay, the two people who have been upstairs in Graceland are: Michael Jackson and Nicholas Cage (both ex-husbands of Lisa Marie Presley).

I still haven't put a dent in my blogbook but it's getting there. I will post some of our Mississippi Delta get-away on my Facebook while I am working of the Dirty Laundry. Spring's almost here be patient. I will blog you tomorrow in less of a bad mood (83.2% guaranteed). TTTT...MITM (out)
cue the music Hal

And "The Little Gay Guy" IS...

Home is where the blog is. Home is where this blog is coming from again today thank. We went to St. Louis and then we went down to Carbondale, IL then we drove down through Missouri and Arkansas to Memphis and then we cam home (we touched Kentucky and Mississippi while we were in the neighborhoods). We should have taken a paddle boat as many times and different places we crossed the Mississippi River.

Why is Missouri shaped the way it is? It looks kinda like a profile of a man staring off to the right with a little beard hanging down. Or, is it a dangling participle urinating on Arkansas? I am pretty sure that area was one of the places where we crossed over the Mississippi River once or twice so I am thinking that it had something to do with accessing the river and commerce and so of the beginnings to the greed in this county but that is just a guess. Okay..let's see what GOOGLE has to say about it. It seems that area is called the "bootheel". There are several stories listed as the reason so I am going to go with...someone down there heard that Arkansas was sickly area so wanted the area he lived in as Missouri rather than Arkansas. That doesn't move where you live air it just changes what you're called. Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can add a boot heel to Missouri.

A founding member of my Vampire Club

Yesterday I blogged quickly so I could get busy to livin' or get busy to dyin' and my buddy Jimbo commented that I never mentioned who "the little gay guy" was from yesterday's blog. Jim was right, the man in the Graceland line was referring to Wladziu Valentino "Lee" Liberace. Sugar Momma and I started talking about this on our drive back to the Land of Lincoln (which the state of Missouri looks like). Liberace was a known homosexual so is it, in fact, politically incorrect to call him "the little gay guy?" He never publicly admitted he was gay though. Maybe I am just becoming overly politically sensitive. Either way it's funny to hear come out of an old man (it's P.C. because he was older than the bootheel of Missouri) with a southern accent. Liberace was from Wisconsin - another MIDDLER. I should do a picture book or pop-up book of all of the famous people from the MIDDLEwest. Maybe a Famous MIDDLERS Tour (that old guy at Graceland would pay to see it). OMG...Liberace had a twin who died at birth. Elvis Presley had a twin brother that died at birth too. Do all people who have twins die at birth go into music and dress in sequins? That old guy should have asked, "who was that other guy's house we visited who was six feet tall, was a musical performer, dressed in sequins and had a twin that died at birth?" Maybe they visit homes of celebs who had twins die? That would be a weird hobby wouldn't it? I think I will start a club (an off-shoot of my tour). I am still tired because the space where my mind should be is still wandering. Anyway, I wasn't thinking this guy was a homophobe; I was more concerned that he was a heightist. Liberace was about 6' tall and I am only 5'9" - I take great offense to Liberace being called "little." Back to my original point - is in politically incorrect to call someone gay if they were openly gay? That is the question. I guess not - people should be (or not to be) and be called what they want to be and be called.

Trips always bring funny stories for me because I think I look for humor in everything. You don't have to look very hard usually. I think there may have been a Square Pegs tribute band staying at our hotel. Sugar Momma and I were down eating our hotel breakfast yesterday morning and a couple of young girls came in looking like Patti Greene (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Lauren Hutchinson (Amy Linker) from the early 80's television show Square Pegs. The Patti Greene-looking girl turned to the Lauren-looking girl and said, "ha ha you just conjugated a verb incorrectly." LOL - and Matthew Broderick Helser was there to witness it and write it down. (disclaimer - although my name is Matthew B. Helser my MIDDLE name is not Broderick though it should be. My MIDDLE name is Bueller - no, it's not Bueller - that's a lie too but it does start with a B)

I have so much more to blog you about but it will have to wait until tomorrow. It's always better to blog you from home rather than from a hotel room. It's a rough life being a blogger on the road but it usually brings good stories. I have plenty more in my book so come on back tomorrow now, ya hear? TTTT...MITM (off to work on Dirty Laundry - both kinds) This has been a Filmways Blogsentation Dahling!

Short and Stinky (TWSS)

The weekend is here; congratulations on making it this far. I don't have much time so this will be a wham bam thank you blog. Firstly, thank you for stopping by every day. I really appreciate you.

Last night I was wondering to myself, "self, why do all of the television manufacturers make their remotes black? Black is an awesome color. In fact, it is the presence of all colors so how can you go wrong with that? I will tell you how you can go wrong with that. We have so many black things that the remotes blend in. Do you know what are other good colors? Flourescent pink, bright yellow, lime green and all of the other glow-in-the dark colors. Who decided that small things should be dark so we cannot find them? The people who count on us to lose things and then buy new ones, that's who. Good thing I didn't lose anything - but I will and I will already have this rant out of the way.

As you probably already figured out I was at Graceland yesterday. I am back in the MIDDLEwest now but I was at The King's palace yesterday. While I was waitng in line to buy the tickets I was thinking how funny people are. You know I am observant, some people call it nosy but I prefer to call it observant. Anywhoo...the guy behind me asked the people with his group. "who was the little gay guy that we visited his house in Vegas?" I think I may have laughed out loud. I cannot believe someone can be that insensitive these days. I have a lot of photos of St. Louis and Memphis that I will get up in the next few days - the Missisippi Delta was certainly shining like a national guitars.

Okay, I have to shake a tail feather. Have a nice Saturday - TTTT...MITM.

Tuna Colada Perhaps?



Why don't you take a picture...?

Friday already? I bet you're stoked, huh? I keep fogretting to use "stoked." 

Late last night I got a chance to see the new The Pee Wee Herman Show on HBO. I guess HBO is not even called Home Box Office anymore. HBO doesn't stand for anything now; it's like history never happened. Kind of the same way that MTV doesn't stand or Music Television because they rarely play music now. Anyway, I was kind of disappointed in The Pee Wee Herman Show. I remember seeing the original one when HBO was Home Box Office and it is pretty much the same exact show. I liked it back in the 80's and would have liked it this time if it didn't seem like a re-run. If you haven't seen it you should watch it but if not only watch it if you're in the mood for a re-run. There are funny updates and I was really sleepy so I think I would like to give it another chance. The end had a whole social networking part that was funny - maybe I was too harsh on the re-run talk.

Only Great Tasting Charlies Are Blog-worthy!

Today my travelling companion is 14 years old he is the child of my first marriage; my other travelling companion is the wife of my first marriage. She's over 18 barely.

Very late night last night there was a biography/news thingy on the television (yeah I guess I didn't sleep much last night again) about Charlie Sheen. It was creepy to me. His house seems like a communal living home. It minded me a lot of the way Charlie Manson lived. Young (barely over 18) chicks around him and a total nutjob. I am not comparing the Charlies but there are several similarities. Sorry, Charlie!

I must have had a weird dream after watching Pee Wee (TWSS) that I don't remember. Now Andy Kaufman is running through my head for no apparent reason. I am sure the reason will present itself because you know what Blair Underwood has taught me; there's no such thing as coincidence. Maybe I heard the Mighty Mouse theme. I know; I heard REM's songs Man on the Moon and The Great Beyond. Touche' Mr. Underwood, touche'.

All right I've got so much time and so little to do so I had better let you get to the little you have to do too. I will blog you again tomorrow. The Dirty Laundry podcast is only six days away - talk about so little time and so much to do (strike that and reverse it twice). Thnaks for letting me ramble; I appreciate you and think about you every time I write this (sappy but true). TTTT...MITM (hot damn tamale baby).

Just Left of MIDDLE today

Happy 137th birthday to one of the most famous MIDDLEwesteners of all time Harry Houdini; you are correct he wasn't born in Wisconsin but that's where he decided to call home. I wasn't born in The MIDDLEwest either. It's funny that he was the most famous escape-artist off all time and the situation in The Dairy State was kind of ironic with the politicians escaping to Illinois.

I think I am still in the MIDDLEwest; I have never been able decide what exactly constitutes The Middlewest. I you go west of The Gateway To The West, the St. Louis Arch, are you still in the MIDDLEwest or is that where the west begins? I like to think that most of Missouri is considered the MIDDLEwest. So, I am either barely out west or just left of MIDDLE - that makes sense.

 We are going to go on a tour of Busch Stadium today. I want to thank my friend Randy for turning me onto that practice. I think we may go to see Clydesdales today too; Sugar Momma seems to have a fascincation with them; maybe she is disappointed I lost all of that weight. Later today we head back to the MIDDLEwest. Have you guessed where I am? It's so nice here. It was in the 60's yesterday and where we are staying has one of those pools where you swim under a wall and half of the pool is outside. It wasn't in the 60's last night; it was still warmer than the snow they are getting back home. The grass is and the flowers are in bloom here; so funny how I take these little things for granted.

Can I see you in my chambers?

Could Lindsay Lohan dress any sexier for he court appearances? Does she think that influences the judges? She's probably right but not in her favor. I surppose it is tough to know that whatever you do it will be wrong. If she didn't dress that way the press would say that she was frumpy and depressed. Go ahead and be who you are Lindsay. Sorry I blew up. You're actually doing really well given the parenting that you received - her father was just charged with domestic violence.

I think I am going to audition for the AFLAC duck. I have been told by a couple of people that I should try (Nature Girl and Sugar Momma come immediately to mind). What have I got to lose? At the very least I get something new to blog about (and pod about).

Have a fantabulous day. Fabio is all of a sudden fascinated with the size of Clydesdale poop so I will let you know about that; oh, to be a fourteen-year-old boy again. TTTT...MITM (out and about...AFLAC!!!)

The Blog of Destiny!

Nostradamus was a huge J.K. Rowling fan

cue the music (I love this song)
Good morning. It's very early as I write this and I have had very little sleep so I have no idea where this going so strap yourself in and hold on tight!

I think if I were Muammar Gaddafi's agent I would advise him to wear a blue turban. Remember when Nostradamus was all the rage and one of his quatrains said that we, a country that didn't even exist yet, would be destroyed by someone in the MIDDLEeast? By a country lead by a man in a blue turban? I think I would use that little psychological edge if I were a madman in the Mideast. Dude get a good PR firm if you're gonna be all crazy. Nostradamus' quatrain reads, "out of the country of Greater Arabia shall be born a strong master of Mohammed,  He will enter Europe wearing a blue turban, He will be the terror of mankind, Never more horror." Oh wait, that war was supposed to begin "in the year 1999 and seven months." The war is supposed to "last seven and twenty years" (27 years); that takes us to 2026. If that's the case than the world cannot end in 2012 right? Wasn't he also the dude that started the whole world will end in 2012 deal or was that the Mayans and the Aztecs? OMG, I don't know which Ouija Board to believe anymore. My faith has become shattered and torn. Okay, I just checked and in July 1999 (7th month) Harry Potter and the Prince of Azkaban was released. Was Nostradamus a visionary literary reviewer? Maybe he could just see books and films and not world history and tragedy. I could see the Harry Potter craze lasting until 2026 or was he predicting J.K Rowling's year of death? That would only make her 61 years old in 2026 so that is unlikely but let's start that rumor now...check back with me in 15 years and I'll tell you how I misread this quatrain. OR WILL I?

Speaking of literary reviews; check out my movie review of Paul at MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS.

De nada for your destiny my friend. Mucho take it easy!

Yesterday I met with an old high school and drum and bugle corps buddy Eric. He is now the official Music Director of the Dirty Laundry podcast (I am not even going to mention that the podcast is launching April 1st). I guess it was destiny because Blair Underwood has taught me that there is no coincidence. Here's how destiny has struck me down (Readers Digest / Cliff's Notes version). Almost a year ago there was a drum and bugle corps show at my old high school. A bunch of us old Fox Valley Raiders members, most of which hadn't seen each other in years, decided to go to the show as a mini reunion. A lot of us met at Pepe's Mexican Restaurant before the show. Among the people there was one of my main mentors as a child Kevin (who, "destinely", is a chiropractic mentor now). When I blogged about needing music for the podcast a while back Kevin suggested Eric who was not at the reunion but is on Facebook. I contacted Eric (Facebook changing podcasts and Egypt) and he did the music and we met yesterday. I asked Eric on the phone where he wanted to meet and he said The Cantina Grill in Oswego. I asked, "is that near Pepe's?" He responded that he didn't know anything about Pepe's.  Here comes the coincidence destiny payoff - it is LITERALLY right next to Pepe's. Dirty Laundry is my destiny (or something). Or, maybe it's Pepe's?

I am going to do something adventurous today; I believe it is my destiny. Wouldn't that be coincidental if I coincidentally did have an adventure that changed my destiny today? Okay, we're back to the sleep-deprivation thing again; what a coincidence.  Have a nice Humpty Humpday. Is it too early for an adventurous nap? TTTT...MITM (out by destiny. coincidence? me thinks not)

SMILE (that's it - just smile)

cue today's theme song
Howdy. Yesterday was the first full day of Spring and I think I must have pulled a Matt Van Winkle (an homage to Rip, not Rob) because today feels like the first full day of Autumn in the MIDDLEwest. Incidentally, I used to call it Fall but I am starting a movement to call it Autumn because that sounds more classy and romantic. You know me - all about class and romance.

The Late, Very Great, Phil Hartman

For those of you keeping score at home my protein level was 6.8 and they decided I was plasma-worthy today. Yeah Me! While I was going through deplasmafication I was listening to the podcast that probably had the greatest influence on me making the decision to start the Dirty Laundry podcast (lifting-off April 1st). I was listening to Comedy Death-Ray Radio. If you have an iPod I would suggest downloading some of these. Today I was listening to the most recent episode with Paul Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman) and Dave Foley (Kids In The Hall and Newsradio); I am a very big fan of both of these guys. The episode is about an hour-and-a-half long so I haven't listened to all of it yet but I heard all of the Reubens part and Foley just started. Judd Apatow and Reubens are working on a new Pee-wee Herman movie; guaranteed to be good. As I typed their names I thought of a common link between Foley and Reubens; they both worked closely with the late Phil Hartman. Reubens talked about Hartman (Captain Carl) a bit and I will be interested to hear if Scott Aukerman (Death-Ray host makes the connection. I think Aukerman is fantastic and even if he doesn't it will be great with Foley. Though I really do want you to hear this show I must confess that I may have a bit of an ulterior motive. I thought that if I could get you used to listening to podcasts you would come to Dirty Laundry a little more easier (did I mention that it begins April 1st?). I learned a lot from listening to Paul Reubens. I could do a whole blog about Paul Reubens right now but then you won't listen to Comedy Death-Ray Radio.

Maybe I'll Wear This To My Class Reunion This Year.

This isn't going to sound right but I think I have an obsessive personality. I's not like criminally insane or anything but I guess my mind is kind of like that of a child's. When I get something stuck in my head it gets wedged in there pretty good.  I am referring to the blog and the podcast. I wish I could get something wedged in there that was useful. How come I can't become obsessed with trying to cure cancer or diabetes or something like that? I suppose it makes sense to become obsessed with something that I went to school for and something that I am actually capable of doing and am passionate about. Maybe I was just put here to make people laugh? I am obsessed with seeing people happy I think. I guess there's plenty of things worse to be obsessed with. I know that sounds dark and depressing but, OMG do you know what?, it's the end of the month isn't it? I am getting that moody Pre-Mattsruation Syndrome feeling that I get at the end of every month. Okay...never mind this paragraph but I will leave it in because I like to keep it real - aight?

Well, I have a lot to do today so I had better wrap up. Yes, some of it is Dirty Laundry - related (both kinds) and some of it is not. Thing Spring everyone; it will be here soon. This is still better than shoveling five feet of snow!! Have a nice Tuesday and I will blog you again tomorrow. TTTT...MITM (moping out) Let 'em have it Hal

Hope Blogs Eternal

Tiger Blood Colada Perhaps?

It's the first full day of Spring and I don't know if it's Spring Fever or the world is finally going to Hell in that hand basket we have been hearing about for decades. Joan Rivers is the new Go Daddy "girl," Helen Thomas is on the cover of April's Playboy magazine and Jimmy Buffet just filed papers to trademark the name Tiger Blood for a new vodka. I guess it's a good year to start a podcast huh?

Sugar Momma and I recorded the entire first Dirty Laundry podcast last night. The show is going to be similar to the Matt In The Middle blog but you will be able to take it with you eventually. Once I get the opening and closing music added I will get it off to our friends at Apple and hopefully get it on iTunes. Spoiler alert from the first Dirty Laundry - Sugar Momma has decided to change her name; maybe I should leave it at that so you tune into the podcast to hear what she has decided to change it to. It is our attempt to keep the show to 30 minutes. After we recorded it last night we listened to the whole show and it seemed entertaining and I even knew what we were going to say. I cannot wait for the launch (or lunch). The show is only going to be once a week so I will probably continue to do the blog but we'll see how that goes. I do enjoy writing and this is pretty much like a time capsule digital journal so my descendants can make fun of me in the future. Isn't that what life (or death) is all about?

What is the deal with all of the teachers in the Chicagoland-area having indecent relations with students lately? When I say "all" of the teachers I mean "the many" teachers that have been reported in the news lately. Most teachers know where that line is and they don't cross it. Spring Fever makes even teachers twitterpated it seems. Do you think Twitter stole their name from Thumper? I create my own confusion most of the time.

Hair (all hair) was a big deal in 1981

My 30-year high school reunion is this year; pretty soon I am going to have to change the name of this blog to Matt In The Old Folks Home or Matt In The Wheelchair or Matt In The Middle of Florida or Arizona Because His Old Bones Cannot Handle The Cold Anymore. The reunion committee is working tirelessly to track down as many people from our graduation class as they can. Facebook is a big help and so is, what I call, The Faberge Organics Method of Communication. It's kinda like the MIDDLE-aged game of telephone before we had cell phones. We're from the 1980's what do you expect? The young ladies that are organizing the reunion and doing the legwork (ALL of the work, in fact) are doing a tremendous job. Thank you on behalf of all of us watching from the sidelines who will criticize you later no matter how perfect you make it. Seriously though, if you know anyone who graduated from Oswego High School in 1981 and bucked the odds and lived this long tell them to get ahold of me here. "This has been a public service announcement from Matt In The Middle...because we care!"

I just went through my blogbook and saw that I had written "Diablo Canyon Nuclear Plant." When the reports of the Japanese nuclear plant that was hit my the recent tsunami/earthquake (I cannot believe we haven't nick-named this tragedy yet - we love our nicknames and catch-phrases) they were reporting on all of the nuclear plants in the USA and someone mentioned this one. Why would you put a nuclear plant in a place named after the devil? Aren't you just asking for trouble? I guess if you're going to name a nuclear facility after Satan it makes sense to put it near The San Andreas and The Hosgri Faults now that I think of it.

Fabio is on Spring Break this week so I guess I had better figure out a way to entertain him. How about a trip to the book store and then the grocery store with me? 14-year-olds hate technology and would much prefer a good book right? My guess is that I will be going alone. Enjoy your first full day of Spring; hope eternal! I will blog you tomorrow and I will try to get the Paul movie review done today too over there at MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS. TTTT...MITM (audi)

Live from Grafton, Ohio (sort of) It's Sunday Morning Blog!

Good morning. Thanks to my pal Dena I had Thunderstruck by AC/CD stuck in my head for awhile which was coincidental (unless you're Blair Underwood - see yesterday's blog) because I watched Iron Man (for the eleven billionth time) yesterday while I worked out. Iron Man and Iron Lady teaming up against me, eh? Now, I have a different song stuck in my head and I have no idea why this song is echoing through the hallow caverns of my mind.

Say NO to weekends here!

     Today Splenda goes back to school after Spring Break. It's always a bittersweet day. I am always happy to have her home but I am excited and happy that she is blazing her own trail in the world (now I am singing that song again). I hope that all of the dreams and plans she has come true for her. There are not many people that happens for but I am confident it will for her - Parenting 101 (maybe 211). That's what every parent wants for their child I hope. Last night she and Sugar Momma and I went to see the movie Paul. I will review Paul at Middle Movie Reviews  (there is new video there now though) in the next day or two but if I do it now not many of you will know that I did because few read the blog on the weekends, especially now since the days are back in the saddle again. Yesterday the Helsers loaded up the family truckster and headed East to the Aurora Outlet Mall (Chicago Premium Outlets). Boy, that was a stupid idea. I have only been there twice and I think both times were during a weekday and it was a bit chilly outside. DO NOT GO THERE on a weekend when it's nice out. Crowded is an understatement. One thing I liked about it as a dad is - we only bought one thing. Sugar Momma got a new computer bag for ten bucks.

Speaking of crowds, who can hook a brother up with a couple of ducats for the Bulls/Celtics game April 7th? I can only find singles or REALLY expensive seats. I guess WGN always has good seats for me on my couch. I don't know why a gold coin that was kind of the great granddaddy of the Euro came to be a synonym for a ticket but I though it classed the blog up a bit. Tuppence for Ducats (trademark/copyright/patent) would be the name of my ticket brokerage company if I had one.

Sugar Momma and I didn't record the premiere episode of Dirty Laundry (podcast) last night. We are going to do it this afternoon. The launch date is thirteen days away. There's still quite a bit to do but it will be done on pod as it is in bloggin. My thought was that we didn't want to do it too far in advance because everything we talk about will be two week's old when you're listening to it. We will probably talk about Paul but two weeks in movie time is pretty long (TWSS).

Wait'll We Get Our Winning Tiger Blood On You!

When I logged into the computer this morning why did my local weather come up as Grafton, Ohio? Did my house get carried to the Cuyahoga River while I slept? Hold on, I am going to GOGGLE Grafton, Ohio and see where I am right now; I haven't looked out the window yet. Very weird...it's near a town called MIDDLEberg Heights (figures...MIDDLEberg). It's just southeast of Cleveland. Cleveland makes me think of the movie Major League which makes me think of Charlie Sheen (we should have known when his nickname was Wild Thing) which leads me back to the Aurora Outlet Mall. There was a giant cut-out of Michael Jordan in the Hanes store and Jordan's co-star for several of those commercials was....Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is the new Kevin Bacon with tiger blood.

Isn't it cool how the word Google can be: a noun, a verb, an adjective, a place, an interjection... any of the grammar School House Rocks? I find it quite interesting a Google's a person, place or thing.

Have a google Sunday. Try to google some rest before your week googles all over again togoogle. I'll let you know when the Paul review is ready but if you're looking for something to do on a rainy Sunday (slight SPOILER ALERT COMING) it would be a really fun movie to see (for you adults - rated R). Blog you tomorrow. TTTT....MITM (googling but not fading away)

The Next Member of the Handsome Men's Club is....

It's a beautiful Saturday morning in the MIDDLEwest - at least the part that I am in. I am sitting in the Tiki Room here on Mattgarita Island blogging to some good friends (you), the sun is beaming through the windows, Roz is singing songs from her Island playlist and the birds are eating right outside the window. OMG...as I typed that Bab Marley sang "three birds pitch by my doorstep." I looked up just then to see only two birds pitch on my hanging feeder.
     Today is the day that Sugar Momma and I are going into the "studio" to record the Dirty Laundry podcast so I can have it delivered April 1st as promised. My buddy Eric has recorded three songs for the podcast. He is the Paul Shaffer of Dirty Laundry. We are going to have Eric on the show after we get the bugs out so you can get to know him better and he can promote his music; he is extremely talented. I think our first show will be just us so nobody is remembered as the guest who was on that train wreck. It will also let you get to know us and allow us to get comfortable with what we are doing. It will be here before we know it.


How do I become a member of The Handsome Men's Club (besides plastic surgery)? I imagine the first qualifications is to be handsome so I may become instantly ineligible. Members I know of are: Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, Tony Romo, John Krasinski, Patrick Dempsey, Hugh Jackman, Rob Lowe, Sting, Ted Danson, Ethan Hawke, Josh Hartnett, Taye Diggs, Keith Urban, Lenny Kravitz and Matt Damon. Never mind; if Damon's in there I will never get in. Do I even want to be a member of a club that already have two Matt's? I know I am better looking than George Clooney and Brad Pitt so I should logically be the next member.

Bernie Liederkraft

I was channel-surfing the other morning, I have been in the channel-surfing olympics twice, and I came across The Tavis Smiley Show (is he Guy's brother?). I stopped because Blair Underwood was on the show. I have pretty much had a man-crush on Blair Underwood forever. He should be in The Handsome Men's Club and once I get in he will be one of my first nominees for membership. Anyway, they were talking how he keeps winding up on shows on NBC. He said that it was a coincidence and then caught himself and said he "doesn't believe in coincidence." That seemed absurd to me. How can you not believe in coincidence? I think it was a coincidence that I surfed to him on The Guy Smiley Show and stopped to hear that he doesn't believe in coincidence and now I am blogging about it. I am assuming, by this statement, that he is a religious man. I just find it flattering to think that me blogging about Blair Underwood is part of a divine being's master plan...I am very flattered.

Howdy Ma'am! I just won the best cowboy hat contest

Did you hear that Donald Trump is thinking about running for President of the United States? Are you kidding me? He is starting to talk crap about President Barak Obama's background and questioning his birthplace... He says that nobody seems to remember Barack as a child but if you went back to where he grew up everyone would remember a young Donny Trump. Wasn't he the one with the weird haired fifth-grader who rode around in a limousine with his second-grade girlfriend and told all of the other kids that they were fired?
     The comfort of the Tiki Room has made me blog on and on again. I am heading to a horse show in Maple Park with Splenda right now; she changed her plans and is not going back to school until tomorrow :) I'm back from the horse show (her friend Mel from SIU took third place at the NIU tournament). I was the only moron wearing a cowboy hat...yippee ki yay MIDDLERS; where else can I wear it other than Mattgarita Island bon fires and mowing the lawn? Blog you tomorrow...I think now we're heading to the outlet mall. I surely do live the life. TTTT...MITM (out of the saddle again)

It's Payday and a No ATM Friday

It's Friday - and there was much rejoicing.

The old Bank - ATM 1-2 Punch , eh?

Yesterday I heard that some big banks, Chase was the one that was specifically mentioned, are going to "test" charging non-Chase Bank customers a $5 or $6 fee to use their ATM machines. This will be on top of the fee that our bank charges us to us a non-whoever they are ATM. So, this "test" is designed to make back the money that they lost screwing over our entire country? What a surprise that we are going to have to fix the problem that the banks caused. It would make too much sense for the banks to be held accountable. I rarely will use another bank's ATM if I have to pay a fee. There are rare occasions when I have to but it is very rare that I will do this. Money makes the world go 'round and the world is not spinning quite as effortlessly as it did a couple of weeks ago. How long do you think it will be until the word "test" just mysteriously disappears like our economy?

Now I hear that Congress is trying to overturn the plan that was designed to fix the nation's foreclosure problem. I am not a huge politico which is why Sugar Momma is gonna be so important on the Dirty Laundry podcast; I just know nonsense and a lot of trivial facts; nothing of major importance generally. So, I have discovered that she is the brains and the looks of the podcast team and I am starting to wonder what I am bringing to the pod table. I would say humor but she's funny too. She is kinda hard of hearing so I guess I will bring the ears of the pod. Wow, I had better keep being nice to her. Getting back to the foreclosure issue I digressed from, the program they are trying to squash primarily helps neighborhood development which, in turn, helps communities and trickles up through our economy. They want to stop helping people and companies from financing loans to buy-up some of the rundown, abandoned buildings, tear them down and build decent dwellings and stores to help grow our economy back. Additionally, this will put more people to work tearing down and building. I think this is just the usual bipartisan politics that we should stop. I am getting in way farther than my blog pay-grade so I had better stop there. Discuss amongst yourselves and I will watch and learn below.

KISS really DOES look different without their makeup

The recent inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced a couple of days ago. I have no problem with their selections: Alice Cooper, Neil Diamond, Dr. John, Darlene Love, Leon Russell, Jac Holzman, Art Rupe or Tom Waits but every year I wonder why wouldn't KISS be in the HOF? It doesn't really mean anything to be in a Hall of Fame anyway...it's just like all of the stupid award shows we see so many of this time of year. Now I can charge more for personal appearances or my podcast (Dirty Laundry - coming soon) because I am Blogcademy Award Winner Matt In The Middle. Poppycock!

Boy, it sure was chilly in the house yesterday morning. Some moron turned off the switch to the furnace while he/she was working-out in the basement on Wednesday and didn't turn it back on before ascending from his/her workout cave. It's hard to hear my that person's workout movie playing when the furnace is roaring right next to my his or her bulging guns. Sometimes it works fine but when I he/she is watching a quiet movie like Amelia (about Amelia Earhart) for instance it's hard to hear the dialog.

I hope you're recovering from your green hang-over. Splenda heads back south to school tomorrow; her spring break endeth and Fabio's begineth. Splenda spend most of her spring break in Iowa...at least she was closer to home. We would have done something with Splenda but she wasn't here. We are going to do something for spring break with Fabio which may include going to see Splenda, ironically. The MATTgical Mystery Tour is coming to take you away. Better than Calgon! TTT?...MITM (offen sie) TA!
cue the exit music Hal!

Sláinte!

Mr. Peanut's lawyers could not prove those were my shoes

cue the music (it's like a dream although I'm not asleep)

Sláinte! Top of the bloggin' to ya! And, in honor of St. Mattrick's Day, my Irish eyes are not smilin'. I am a little salty this morning (TWSS). I went over this morning to perform one of my usual Thursday rituals, donating plasma, and you'll never, ever, ever guess what happened. I was denied...stick save by the Proteins' goalie. I probably consumed more food-related protein yesterday than all of you combined. I had 3 protein shakes yesterday (one with two scoops), I had 2 shrimp egg rolls, I ate wasabi soy sauce almonds off and on all day, I had a Weight Watchers tuna noodle gratin meal which I added and entire can of tuna to on top of their tuna, I had two protein bars and more I cannot even remember. Basically, I am going to become Fat Matt again just to build my protein levels to where they should be. That's not even why I am salty. I logged onto Facebook just now to get caught up and begin blogging you and my "so-called" Facebook friend Mr. Peanut is wanting me to join is March Madness brackets pool. Talk about adding insalt to injury. Listen here Mr. Peanut Downey Junior I don't take very kindly to intimidation or taunting; it drives me nuts. Do something about my protein and I will do something for you. I guess my displaced aggression toward Mr. Peanut is unwarranted but it seems he must be locked into some National Plasma Protein Database and is targeting me on Facebook; I may have to un-friend him. Maybe a restraining order is necessary because I surely don't want to get asalted. Donating plasma obviously removes protein from my body because Thursdays are when I have the protein problem from donating on Tuesdays.

Is there a protein-deficiency telethon? I heard this morning that a bunch of big stars are getting together to form a Band Aid-type group (my St. Patrick's Day Irish/British tie-in). They are going to do a "Do They Know it's Christmas?" /  USA for Africa  "We Are The World" kind of song for disaster relief for Japan.These songs must help these causes or they wouldn't keep doing them right? If they help I am happy that they are doing this. I truly hope that these types of things aren't just vehicles for these stars to gain exposure. I like to believe that these people are similar you and I and actually care about other people in the world. Maybe to promote the blog and the Dirty Laundry podcast debut (April 1st - you knew I would get it in here somewhere) I should get a bunch of stars together to do a Dirty Laundry song. I should get together stars like: Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Robert Blake, OJ Simpson, Gilbert Gottfried... and even stars who were formerly in trouble like: Winona Ryder, Robert "Mr. Peanut" Downey Jr., George Michael, Brittany Spears... Go ahead Saturday Night Live; just mention me or let me be in the sketch when you do it (not yet...too soon).
      I am thinking about going to spend another night in the Hotel Arista soon because I really like this pen. The Sugar Toad restaurant had a really good selection of teas too.

Donny and Marie Osmond are set to spend the winter in the MIDDLEwest. I am not saying that they are spending time on Mattgarita Island and appearing on Dirty Laundry but you'll have to listen all of December to find out. Their primary reason for visiting the MIDDLEwest is for their Donny and Marie - Christmas in Chicago show from December 6th to the 24th at The Oriental Theater. I remember watching their variety show as a kid and I enjoyed it. I even remember having a couple of Osmond Brothers cassettes (before, 8-tracks, CD's, ipods...existed) because I was "a little bit rock and roll." If I wanted to "shuffle" my tunes I had to hit the "FF" button (fast forward) or the "Rewind" button (fairly self-explanatory) on my little (kinda big, actually) cassette player (the Walkman hadn't even been invented yet). Tickets for Donny and Marie's  Christmas show are on sale now. The show is supposedly similar to to their television shows Donny and Marie (1976-1979 and 1998-2000).

I tried to type faster but it didn't help. I am going to do something now that I haven't done all winter; I am going to get a hair cut. I like it a little longer because I am not very attractive and the longer hair makes my a little less hideous. Sometimes a really nice frame can make a really ugly painting look almost good enough to hang in your basement or bathroom. Thanks for stopping by today. I haven't mentioned it in awhile but I do appreciate you spending some time with me every day (when you can - no pressure). Have a great day and eat some corned beef for me but save me some cabbage. TTTT...MITM (Slán go fóill). May ya have a half-an-hour in Heaven before the devil knows you're dead!

Happy St. Urho's Day (and you thought I'd forget)

The Patron Saint of Bobbleheads

Happy St. Urho's Day! You know how I like to wish you whatever day it is. This morning I logged onto Facebook, which made an awesome "upgrade" I will call it, and I saw Nature Girl wishing me, and everyone, (but everything is about "me") a Happy St. Urho's Day. I thought I would pass it along to you. St. Urho is goin' viral. Does it surprise you that Nature Girl would be the one to honor, let's call it, a holiday that pays tribute to Finland's patron saint of grapes and/or grasshoppers. You remember St. Urho's; he's the one who drove the grasshoppers from the vineyards in Finland. I thought he was the Greek dude that invented the Gyros until I Googled him. Today we drink wine and tomorrow we drink green beer. With all of this European fun I wonder why in the heck we ever came to The New World? The glass is always greener I suppose (OMG, I still got it!)

I have just spoken to (Facebook messaged) the man who will be writing the Dirty Laundry podcast. I don't want to mention who it is but he is known by many of you. He is so talented that he has free-reign on the song. I already love the song and I don't even know what genre of music he will be producing it in. I am metro-sexually excited.

Mattgarita Island 2011 sandbag relief effort

I just added a selfish act and an unselfish act to the chart I am keeping for myself over there in the right margin. Tell me what you think - selfish and unselfish? Sugar Momma and I went for a walk the other night. We do that most nights when the weather allows; it gives us time to talk about this and that without any distractions (kind of like a podcast). This time we talked mostly about Dirty Laundry - coming to you soon to a pod or a cast near you. While we were walking toward the back of our unfinished subdivision, that is actually probably finished now given the housing market, we walked past a bunch of bags full of sand littering our neighborhood. When the Snowpocalypse and Stormageddeon started the city blocked off the back of our subdivision, where there are no houses yet, with road barricades held down by sandbags. The barricades are gone but the "litter" was left. Every year Mattgarita Island loses sand to the ocean erosion (you might call it wind) so it needs to be replenished. So, this morning I put a tarp in the back of the family truckster and went and picked up the bags and will dispose of the rubbish at no cost to anyone other than the residents of Mattgarita Island. No charge for the fuel, the labor or the usual disposal fees. Mattgarita Island recycles the sand and will dispose of the bags while stoking summer fires. It's the circle of sandbags! Mattgarita Island Cares!

Touche' Mr. Gervais. He blogs so now I must podcast

I will be so happy when the podcast starts so when I see how time is running out and I have more to talk about I can just talk faster; typing faster doesn't seem to let me fit more into the same space.

I heard that Gilbert Gottfried apologized (via Twitter) for his insensitive remarks (tweets) about the Japan tsunami / earthquake. Joan Rivers came to his defense basically saying that he is a comedian and that's what comedians do. She is right. Other than Gottfried getting fired as the AFLAC duck it seems like it blew over quickly. His saying that his tweets were insensitive helped a lot to let him move on. It seems that he will be able to put this behind him quicker than Ricky Gervais could for lampooning celebrities...should have tweeted Ricky! That seems to do the trick these days. Tricks for Tweets (wow that was lame...I wish I would have tweeted it instead).

Oh, the awesome "upgrade"  I mentioned about Facebook is the ability to just hit enter to add your comments rather than having to click on the "comment" box. I think that's EUG!

Have a festive St. Urho's Day / St. Patrick's Day Eve. I'll blog you again tomorrow if I am able. I have a bad typing shoulder (another reason to podcast) and after I workout later today I may not be able to type. I may be looking for a personal blogsistant soon which may turn into a podsistant job. TTTT....MITM (wining out for St. Urho's sake) TA!

A Blog for the Birds! (it's not just chicks though)

It's after noon already? It's time to blog. The day got behind me fast.

Don't be a dirty bird!

  
Last night Sugar Momma and I went for a walk and then we recorded an entire Dirty Laundry podcast episode. We were mainly practicing with the equipment and making sure we are prepared when we are ready to go for real. After we were done I lust laid in bed like a kid waiting for Santa. I kept getting up and coming back into the office and tweaking this and changing that all night long. Then I would roll over and write down notes - now I have a blogbook and a podbook. After deplasmification today I came home and started working on the theme song. It's quite something actually...I hope somebody with actual musical talent sends me something so I only have to use it for the first show. I think this one  will certainly entertain you though. Then, when you hear it and you realize that the bar isn't set very high, you will send me something good.

While I was getting prepped to donate plasma today the phlebotomist who was getting my vitals asked me if I cut wood. I wanted to say, "no, just cheese" but I didn't. She said that I smelled like cut wood (schwing) or a log cabin. She quickly said that it was a good smell. It's that darned Tommy Bahama and his woodsy-scented cologne. "Hello, backwoodsman!" I worked really hard yesterday and this morning to make sure my protein was over 6.0 (it was 6.8 today) but then my blood pressure was high on the first reading. She apologized saying it was her fault because she got me laughing with her Woodsy Owl comment while I was getting my blood pressure measured. I had to wait five minutes and then my blood pressure was fine and my pulse was about perfect...at least there's something perfect about me. I was happy that my protein was good this time because I had walked the protein tightrope for the last two days. I am glad I knew it was low though.

Not so "ducky" for Gottfried

Another forest animal in the news today is the AFLAC duck. Gilbert Gottfried, who does the voice of the duck, was fired by AFLAC after like seven years or something (I am guessing on the years). He was tweeting some jokes about the very recent catastrophe in Japan. I have always liked Gilbert Gottfried but there are many times that I have thought he had gone too far. I remember after the September 11th / Twin Towers terrorism he joked about that right away. I heard him on the radio at that time saying that someone in the audience yelled "too soon." I guess he didn't learn anything then. I was actually surprised AFLAC hired him in the first place given his "blue" comic past. Maybe when he did the voice of Iago in Alladin he was the goto guy for bird voices. Silly goose, tweets can only get you in trouble. Ask Ochocinco.

Now, with all of the problems going on with the nuclear facility in Japan, there is a sudden panic concerning the nuclear plants in the United States. The Simpsons should have raised those flags about 30 years ago. Oh yeah, Three-mile Island, Chernobyl, The Red October... how soon we forget. We can see the Byron, Illinois nuclear plant from our house on a cold day when the "steam" is billowing into the air. Now we are all over-reacting like we do. I am sure it will become a big deal in the political arena; anything to prey on our fears for their gains. There is a nuclear facility built right on The New Madrid fault here in Illinois too. I think my dog would have been able to ascertain that was a bad idea given that, supposedly, The New Madrid Fault is more volatile than the San Andreas Fault. Enjoy today, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Got Nuclear Power? (too soon)

I need to get some lunch in me and start thinking about getting ready for work. It's another set of high school tournament basketball games (classes 3A and 4A I think) tonight. I hope we get another cool mascot like The Ghosts. Have a nice evening...the NCAA basketball tournament begins tonight too. I know you live and breath by my predictions so I am going to say Kansas is going to win the whole thing. St. Mattrick's Day is only two days away (just a reminder). I bet corned beef has a lot of protein (I love corned beef with horseradish). Too bad I don't eat meat. This is one of the days that tests my resolve; good thing Sugar Momma hates it. The English (her) has always hated wee tiny Irish and our corned beef and cabbage! TTTT...MITM (polishing me shillelagh for work) TA!

Welcome to the Pi (dot, dot, dot) Vortex!

Pi Day and Talk Like a Pirate Day should unite!

cue the pi music
Happy Pi Day! I have never been very good at math so I am not sure if I can have one slice of pecan that weighs 3.14159265... pounds or I can have 3.14159265... slices of pumpkin or I can have one piece of cheese, one slice of cheese and onion and 1.14159265... slices of veggie pizza? Maybe I need 3.14159265... blackbirds baked in a pie? I am basing this on the assumption that four and twenty blackbirds is 24 birds. Math on a Monday morning after a Spring Ahead weekend is ponderous man, ponderous. Let's get rid of the time change deal and add a codicil that Pi Day must be on a Friday from here on out.

I must me stuck in a Pi Vortex. My computer says it's one time and the clock on the wall is an hour behind. Am I on the line between time zones or is it that darned Spring ahead? One foot is ahead and one is dragging. Arrrrrggghhhhhhh - I am stuck in the Pi Spring-ahead Zone.

Sugar Momma and I went out for breakfast and I ordered hot tea. The waitress brought the pot of hot water, a plate with honey and slices of lemon and a box filled with various tea bags. My choice for the title of Ms. Teabag 2011 (I can't do it as much as I want to) came down to either Ms. Bigelow Cozy Chamomile "pure chamomile for quiet moments" or Ms. Bigelow Sweet Dreams "relaxing blend of chamomile mint." The winner of Ms. Teabag 2011 is Ms. Bigelow Cozy Chamomile. There were some sleepy time teas and bedtime teas but this was breakfast...maybe they shouldn't offer these teas in the morning; I am guessing there's a whole bin of those back in the kitchen for late-night dining and these tea baggers swapped boxes (nope - not gonna do it).

The Dirty Laundry (podcast) is up to six fans on Facebook already and we're still 18 days away from casting our first pod. I am excited and happy that you are already fans without even knowing if the podcast is worthy; our main goal is not to let you down. If we accomplish not letting you down it will be good so it's as simple as that. If you haven't "liked" it yet get on over and put even more pressure on us; I love it!

That hair is EUG!!!!

     I hate to honk my blogging horn (okay, maybe I love to honk my own horn) but, after being mentioned on the blog Charlie Sheen's Torpedo... Show in Chicago sold out in only 18 minutes and after MITM mentioning people getting lip rhinoplasty Donald Trump commented on how much better Lisa Rinna looks since her lip reduction on last night's Celebrity Apprentice.That tells me that everyone in the Chicagoland area and Donald Trump all read Matt In The Middle. I'm not surprised. I think that is EUG (that's how Donald Trump pronounces "huge" - like the beginning of "Eugene").

I heard on the radio this morning that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up. I guess they have been dating for about three years. It probably has been about that long since Sugar Momma and I set them up on their first date now that I think of it. The breakup, it is said, was mutual because "they wanted different things." It turns out that one of the "different things" that Justin "wanted" was Mila Kunis. I just hope to remain friends with all three of them; is that possible? And you wonder why Big Beautiful Jay, Outlaw Biker Ed and I want to start a boy band. Actually it's starting to sound a lot like The New Village People when I put it in writing. (I'm the one dressed like a blogger)

And the village is Lego Land

There's talk that after a large earthquake like the one that recently struck Japan that there is almost always one just a little smaller that occurs in the same place a week or so later. Let's hope that this time will be the exception to the "experts'" rule.

Have a nice rest of your Pi Day (what's left of it an hour ahead of where it should be). Sugar Momma and I are working on the podcast again tonight. If you have any music you want to be considered as our Dirty Laundry theme song get them to us ASAP.  Right now the competition for theme song is very slim...yours could be the first. Maybe our first show we could play all of the entries and have you, the podience (another new word invented right here, right now), vote for the theme. Or, maybe we would have rotating theme songs. TTTT...MITM (pi'd out)
cue the music (just now added to Roz)