Foul Play is Afoot!

Good morning Middle-ites. The sun is out and the temperature and humidity are down but it's just the way Mother Nature shows who is in charge. Within the next day or two it will be raining or very hot or very humid...that's the joy of living in the Middlewest. I love diversity and change. Ironically, I don't change I just stay here and get my diversity and change through the weather.

I feel pretty young most of the time since I am in better shape now - straight is a better shape than round - but my 18-year-old daughter made me feel old the other day. I guess just by having an 18-year-old daughter I should feel old but we were talking about Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis this past weekend and she didn't even know who she was. Jackie Kennedy was the first lady when I was born. She was one of the most famous first ladies off all time. I felt a little better yesterday when I heard Katie Holmes is going to be playing her in an upcoming movie. I hope the movie does great so I can feel young when everybody knows who Jackie O is again. I like Katie Holmes too. It's weird when period-piece films are based on the time-line within your lifetime.

Yesterday I was mowing the lawn and came across death on Mattgarita Island. There was a dead bird under one of the trees by Sugar Momma's bird sanctuary in the back yard. I stopped mowing and went and got a shovel and buried the little bird in the sanctuary area. I went back to mowing and before long I found dead bird number two. I buried that bird also and started my crime-scene investigation. Two dead birds within a few feet from one another suggests foul-play to me. I am waiting for the forensic results to come back but I am certain we have a murder investigation situation on our hands on Mattgarita Island. "CSI Mattgarita Island!" Has Foxy Loxy returned? Are we luring birds to our yard as a smorgasbord for a neighborhood cat? Is Sugar Momma giving out poisoned bird seed? There are several suspects and scenarios but there has never been a crime on Mattgarita Island that I couldn't solve...could this be the one that makes me hang up my Brokeback hat? I will be vigilant in protecting these birds from mass murder. Be warned predator - now you are the one being stalked! stay tuned...

I went back to mowing and listening to Roz's Earth Day play list. A few songs later "Circle of Life" began playing. That happens all the time with my i-Pod. There are probably dozens of songs that could have come up in the random shuffle that would have weirdly fit into the Great Mattgarita Island Bird Massacre of 2010 but it's still eerie and it happens all the time (not murders but songs fitting the situations).

I do my best thinking when I am mowing. It must be the hum of the Toro. Maybe I should start a lawn service. I mow pretty well and I could throw in animal funerals on the side.

Sugar Momma had heard on the radio that since the economy is so bad the credit card companies aren't sending out all of the credit card offers that they were sending out because so many people were defaulting on the credit cards. I did notice that it has slowed down and I am grateful. I have a box that I put all of that junk mail into and we use that paper to start our fire-pit fires. With all of the rain lately we haven't had too many fires so the box is pretty full. One of the bad things about those offers not flooding the U.S. Postal Service it is putting a strain on the USPS because, as it turns out, that was a big part of what they were delivering. "The Circle of Life." Ironically, when I got done mowing yesterday I went to the mailbox and we did get one of those stupid credit card offers but we used to get five or six every day.

Wow, this got long quick (TWSS) so I will stop blogging right here before there's far too much to take in here. I have more notes...awesome, I already have tomorrow's blog started.

It's hump day (cue the Humpty Dance, pronounced with an "umpty", music and shake your booty). Enjoy your day today because "there's more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done" so slow down and enjoy yourself a little. Blog you again potato skin...MAKE IT A GREAT DAY!

** jackie kennedy photo archived from neonsignsofhappiness.files.wordpress.com, csi photo forensically removed from watchingcsi.com & circle of life ransacked from ranackery.com **

All You Need To Know Today!

I wasn't going to do a blog today but it's my therapy and maybe some people actually look forward to it; at least that's what I delusionally tell myself so I will write one. Since you're reading this now know that I wrote it for you specifically.

I am kind of getting bummed out about not working. I make more money on unemployment than I would at most jobs I would take but that will eventually end. I am looking for work consistently but maybe I have been too picky. Steve Carell is leaving The Office after this season maybe I should apply for his job. I am sure my excellent blog-writing talents would make me a tremendous writing asset to one of the world's most popular and well-written television shows. I have had a job like Michael Scott's most of my adult life so that's no stretch. I'm kind of a boob like Michael Scott and I prefer the people to the work. Hey, wait a minute, I think the Michael Scott character was based on me...is there a lawyer in the blog? What am I saying? Of course there's a lawyer in the blog...most of the top minds in the world read this blog...you're reading it aren't you?

I gave blood yesterday at the Heartland Blood Center in Dekalb. I had my choice of a coupon for a free pint of Ben & Jerry's or Oberweis ice cream. That was in addition to the free bottle of water and mini bag of pretzels I got after donating. We don't have an Oberweis too near us so I took the Ben & Jerry's. They must have a low-fat something don't you think? I am not a huge ice cream fan really but my family loves it so they can have it. Give blood...it took less than a half-hour and it's recycling (your blood) and I'm probably saving a life right now as I blog.

After giving blood I stopped at BioLife Plasma Services which is across the street from Heartland Blood Center to see what that was about. Their place was packed compared to three people at Heartland. I found out that you get paid to give plasma and you can donate two times a week because plasma replenishes very quickly in your body. That's why they were packed - real ca-ching! Most of the people in there looked like college students...probably donating plasma for drinking money. Plasma is used as the base for many life-saving therapies and medicines. I made an appointment for August 30th because you have to wait at least eight weeks after giving blood; I guess I should have stopped there first. The first appointment is supposed to take about three hours because the initial donation includes a physical examination to make sure that you're worthy. I just like to help but if I get cash instead of Ben & Jerry's - bonus!

Last night, before baseball (we won), for dinner I made guacamole, cilantro corn-on-the-cob and shrimp tacos. I also made a new corn salsa. When we were boating in Wisconsin last summer the best sister-in-law in the whole Middlewest (Kara) was making this corn salsa stuff and Sugar Momma really liked it. I didn't really pay very close attention but I am a cooking scientist and love to invent and refine other recipes so I made my version and I will add my recipe over there ----> when I am done posting this. Do as I do - add,subtract,change,refine... make the recipe how you like it. I am a vegetarian now so I will probably make this recipe ten different ways this summer so we don't get tired of it.

Thursday night Sugar Momma and I are going to my old high school (Oswego High School for those of you keeping score at home) to see a drum and bugle corps show. I spent most of my youth playing various percussion instruments in Fox Valley Raiders Drum & Bugle Corps. We practiced all winter and traveled throughout the country (mostly the MIDDLE part of the country) all summer long. Some of the people I spent most of my youth with will be there; I am very excited to see them. I was always one of the younger ones and it seemed to be a bummer when we were kids but now I bet it will be a bummer to them that they are older...one of life's great equalizers. I wonder if when we're done watching the show if we should all get on a bus together, stop off at a fast food joint and then go sleep on a school gymnasium floor for old times' sake? Good times, good times. << in the photo I am the one second from the left in the first full row behind the tympani (kettle drum for you non-percussion nerds) - this was an early photo - we got larger >>

Well, for not going to write a blog today I sure got bloggie with it. Thanks to those of you who do read this and get some enjoyment out of it; I appreciate you very much. I will probably blog again tomorrow. Have a great day! Now I'm off to do my Bloggie-Do list..Bloggie Doobie Do!!!

** michael scott photo down-sized from kevinliebl.wordpress.com and biolife graphic drained and recycled from lacrossloggers.com **

If You Want Blood...You Got It!

Wow there are a lot of good-looking people at IKEA. I am sure that's what they were thinking too. I hope we just about have our daughter's dorm room completely decorated and accessorized.

Sugar Momma and I went for brunch at Ruby Tuesday finally yesterday. I had the crab cakes eggs benedict. It was very good. There were a couple of older people a few tables over and the waitress asked them if they had had brunch there before. They said they had. The waitress went and got their drinks and came back and asked if they were ready to order and they said they didn't know what they were supposed to do. They then proceeded to tell the waitress they hadn't had brunch THERE before. So, I guess they have had brunch in their lives and they just thought the waitress was taking an overall life-long brunch survey. I found it very amusing.

I had gained three pounds over the last few weeks with the graduation party (mai tais) and all. I weighed in this morning and I lost the three pounds. I still have a fat mentality as the first thing I thought was "I will have to go out to eat to celebrate." I doubt that urge will ever go away. I just have to be aware of it and fight it the best I can. Even if I do give in occasionally my choices are wiser now that I know how to eat smarter and I get full easier so I am not too concerned.

I bought two new clothes drying apparatuses at IKEA. One hangs from a tree (or anything I guess) and looks like a large Christmas tree ornament or a chandelier that has built-in hangers on it for underwear and socks...maybe I could do soot removal for Santa. The other is a stand-alone rack that holds quite a bit. Combined with the retractable line I already have I am just about ready to open my own eco-friendly laundroMATT. That is if it ever stops raining every other day and wasn't so darned humid when it isn't raining. Maybe I should move the clothes lines a few miles south underneath a couple of those wind turbines for a constant breeze.

I have been applying for jobs that I am over-qualified for lately because that's all that seems to be available. I think I would welcome a job where I can just do what I am told and go home at the end of the day. Most of the jobs I have had since college have involved management and I have always taken my work home with me and was a stressed-out jerk. I think I want a job where I can just leave work at work. That's my goal but even if it starts that way it will probably end up with more responsibility. It's tough; I want to do a good job no matter what I do but doing a good job usually leads to more duties and responsibilities and headaches. I like being a non-stressed non-jerk (at least less of a jerk). I think my family likes it better too.

I believe I will give blood today so I am light-headed for our baseball game tonight. I am not afraid of needles and I figure if someone needs something and I have extra I should help them. I may check into giving plasma too. I think that's where they pump some of your blood out, remove the plasma and pump the blood back in to you. I'm always open to new experiences. If they want plasma....they got it!

I hope your week has a good start today. Fourth of July is Sunday so hopefully where you work gives you next Monday off. Have a nice day. I'll blog you later.

** crab cakes benedict photo scrambled from nomenu.com and handing clothes dryers photo tumbled from bedzine.com **

Happy Belated Flag Day!

Well, it's Sunday. I am starting to think of it more as Sun(burn)day. My shoulders hurt, my shins hurt, my cheeks hurt and my thighs hurt. I still love the sun but I didn't give it the respect it deserves and it reminded me of how insignificant I am.

We are supposed to go to IKEA (ca-ching) today. It sounded like a great idea yesterday when I agreed but that was before the sunburn made my body feel like it was being shrunk by a tribe of Jivaroans. I like IKEA because there is great people-watching there and they have the most unique items at reasonable prices. I also like to walk and it is a pretty large place so there is a lot of walking. Incidentally, if you go to IKEA in the Chicagoland area go to the one in Schaumburg rather than the one in Bolingbrook...no comparison at all...Schaumburg's is twenty times better. Sugar Momma and I went for a walk last night but it may be different today as I already hear thunder rumbling off in the distance so IKEA would be a walking alternative.

When we walked last night we walked by the lake and stream that I like to call a channel and we stopped and watched a baby beaver (I assume he was a baby because he was very small) chew a stalk of grass off in the middle of the channel and swim it to shore and then drag it up on shore and eat it. The other night on the way home from one of my son's baseball games at 11:00 at night we drown down the main road of town (Lincoln Highway) and we saw a doe (a deer, a female deer) eating grass in the front yard of a house right by Northern Illinois University. There is a lot of farmland open around us so I don't feel like we're encroaching on them I just feel they are becoming more comfortable with us which will probably be their detriment. Maybe they just know that I am a new vegetarian or can sense my love of nature and know I would never hurt them; they say animals have a sixth-sense. I love that we have birds and rabbits (they really do multiply - lucky rabbits) and ducks...in our yard. (wow, I had so many bad jokes to insert here but I try to keep this blog PG-rated)

I have a Swiss Army backpack. What's the deal with the Swiss Army? They are a neutral nation so I am guessing if you're going to be in an army that's the one to be in. They are kind of like the American Peace Corps really I think. They do humanitarian and peacekeeping missions throughout the world. They sure do have a nice backpack and that knife, wow! I have been a fan of that knife for my entire life. Mini tweezers and a plastic toothpick and a saw...it was a young boy's Wii back in the 70's.

I know I watch too much television but with the invention of the DVR (digital video recorder) it doesn't take away from our lives. My college major was Radio-Television (journalism minor) so with my blog and my college major I will call it research now. Thanks to the DVR we can watch all of our shows in the MIDDLE of the night when we cannot sleep which is most nights for me. So, anywhooo, have you seen Shatner's Raw Nerve with William Shatner on Bio Channel? When I have worked on newspapers I always prided myself as a good interviewer because I am a good listener and I actually am interested in what people have to say (well, not all people). Bill Shatner is an amazing interviewer. Granted, I watch the episodes where he is interviewing people I find interesting but he is fantastic at listening and knowing how to get these people to open up. I was never a Star Trek fan or a T.J. Hooker fan or a Boston Legal fan but I have always got a good vibe from Shatner. I know there have been some questionable things said about his life but I take all of those things with a gain of salt as we would all have questionable things and controversies mentioned of our lives if we were under the media/entertainment microscope 24/7. I think I'd like to get Bill Shatner on Helser's Blog Nerve! If you get a chance check out his show.

I didn't intend for this blog to become flag day (maybe World Cup Soccer's fault) but that's how I blog...I start with one thing and I don't know where it's going to go. I just hold on and hope my typing fingers can keep up. My blog "is like a box of chocolates"; it's usually full of nuts and fruits and those chewy things that aren't your favorites but there are usually some of those peanut butter cup dealies that you really like so then you keep coming back to the blog box. Then later you brush your teeth and there is a piece of coconut stuck in there and you think about it again. I hope I give you more of the pieces you like rather than the ones you don't. I appreciate you keep popping the lid off the box everyday and letting me entertain you, I truly do appreciate you. Now go take a Rolaids Chew (ca-ching)!

Blog you tomorrow!

** swedish flag captured from viget.com, swiss flag peagfully taken from agrino.org and federation flag beamed ablog from daymix.com

I Hope You Like Your Matt Extra Crispy!

Happy Weekend.

We have a game this morning. I have to be there at 8:30 so I will make think kinda short and maybe sweet. I still have to do the line-up this morning too. It has rained but it isn't raining now so I think we will play today.

Yesterday was a sunny day and I have red thighs, ankles, chest, cheeks (on my face - this was a family place)...to prove it. It turns out that Hawaiian Tropics does not contain sunscreens. I have always liked Hawaiian Tropics because it smells like pineapple and coconut but it "DOES NOT CONTAIN SUN SCREENS." Oh well, live and burn (that is a statement on sunburn and cremation and hopefully not on Hades).

Before we went to Magic Waters yesterday I went to Wal-Mart and filled the 48-quart cooler with snacks and water. I bought a 28 pack of water for $3.48 and ice and was really happy I did. The water was $2.50 per bottle at the water park so that would have been $70.00 for the same 28 that I paid $3.48 for. Summer tip - go to the websites before you head out to places; you could save $66.52 which will help cover the prices of admissions.

I did the unthinkable yesterday. I left and forgot Roz...no music while I baked in the sun? Next time I am going to pump music into the oven so the potatoes aren't bored while tanning. Fortunately, I had my HP Mini laptop and they had WIFI at the park. I love listening to radio stations from throughout the world from time to time for ideas for i-Pod downloads so this was one of those days. I listened to KINE 105 (Hawaii) and I listened to "No Shoes Radio" which is a Kenny Chesney station like Radio Margaritaville is to Jimmy Buffett. I have never really been a country music fan but the older I get the more diverse I get and Chesney seems to be the heir-apparent to Buffett though musicians don't really retire I guess. I like the island feel and message of the music. It was great but laptop batteries only last a couple of hours and we were there for seven. Why don't they have ELECTRICAL outlets surrounding the pool for my charger?

I also took Weight-Watchers cheese sticks (ching), baby carrots, cheese popcorn, Pringles (ca-ching)... I was happy I did that as well as being newly vegetarian the only two choices I would have had were a $5.95 peanut butter sandwich or a $5.95 peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly in the sun doesn't sound appealing to me. I ate a lot of baby carrots and 4 cheese sticks and drank A LOT of water. My son and his two friends seemed to eat well though. I had once heard a story that when Susan Dey was working on The Partridge Family she constantly dieted and one time she ate only carrots and she actually had an orange-hue about her. Maybe I'm not sunburn at all...maybe I'm tanning from the inside out.

The Pepsi Crew (or whatever they are called) was there handing out free samples of Wild Cherry Pepsi. I don't drink hardly any caffeine so I did not have any. Me and caffeine do not mix. I self-diagnosed myself with a caffeine allergy a while back. I would get acid-reflux off-and-on and pin-pointed it to when I had caffeinated beverages or chocolate... I still have some occasionally but very infrequently. I really don't need it as a crutch anyway. (No Starbuck's ca-ching for me).

I heard on the Hawaiian radio station that the Likelike (pronounced "leak-eh-leak-eh) Highway was closed near Honolulu (Pearl City) due to a downed tree. They didn't specify but I'll bet it was a palm tree. I also heard on "The KINE" that one pint of blood can save up to three lives so I think I will go over and give blood again Monday since they recently called me to donate again. Do you think when the blood center in Hawaii purchased that air time (though it was probably a free public-service message) on a radio station in Hawaii they thought some knucklehead in the MIDDLE Mainland would give blood because of it? You never know who your actions or words can effect.

Okay that was sorta short and I talked about Pepsi so it was sweet. Have a nice Saturday and I will blog you tomorrow.

** hawaiian tropics photo burned from drug3k.com, carrot graphic julienne'd from clipartof.com and likelike highway photo "downed" from ccchicago.com **

Welcome To My Tropical Hideaway, You Lucky People, You!

Apparently I am driving the teen-age limo to Magic Waters water park today. It should be fun for some of us. It will give me a lot of time with my notebook so I will probably have an entertaining blog tomorrow for a change.

A bird ran into one of the windows in the Tiki Room yesterday (the Tiki Room is what we call the four-season room). Sugar Momma said he was probably on the cell phone. Birds run into the windows of our house all the time. That's probably where the term "bird-brained" comes from. We have the windows with the white grids between the panes of glass but they still run into the windows. I guess maybe they're trying to get a job in the Tiki Room. I have to say that if you're a bird that's probably one of the sweetest gigs on the planet. IT'S A DIFFERENT "TIKI ROOM" AND WE"RE NOT HIRING!

Yesterday the kids and I rode our bikes down to the Farmer's Market. It made me remember why I prefer doing it alone. We got there a few minutes early so we went to the store by the market to get something to drink. The store had those new rubber bands that are shaped like different things. My son got the "treats" package and my daughter got the "zoo animals" or "safari animals" or "rain forest" package. It's hard to remember because it took them like twenty minutes to decide between all of the choices. My son gave me a milkshake shaped rubber band because he had doubles and my daughter gave me a walrus because I have adopted a manatee (Elsie) and the walrus rubber band closely resembles a manatee [savethemanatees.org]. Is it just we Americans that are this gullible and waste our money on garbage like fashion rubber bands? This country, me included, is a snake-oil salesman's gold mine.

I was happy to see that Sunny Day Organic Bakery had their tie-dye back up this week at the Farmer's Market. This week I bought a loaf of the vegan potato-onion bread and a loaf of the vegan jalapeno cheese bread. Day two of the vegetarian diet went well. Cheese pizza with tomatoes and onions for lunch and steamed broccoli and low fat cottage cheese for dinner.

Do you suppose they have WIFI at a waterpark? I don't see me going down the lazy river or the water slides by myself and I am certain 13-year-old boys don't want a MIDDLE-aged fart hanging around them. They probably don't have a Tiki Bar right? I will bring a couple of books and maybe stop and get a magazine and, of course, Roz will be with me to drown out (certainly no pun intended) the screaming masses. Why did I volunteer for this mission? I hope there is a Navy Cross or some kind of a distinguished medal-of-honor in it for a mission of this magnitude. No medal is required, however, as I do it for love of family, sir!

I should start packing up the team water park bus. The website says you can bring a cooler into the park if is under 48 quarts and you can take in factory-sealed beverages. I am going to have to check to see if one of our coolers is under 48-quarts but I am sure at least one is. That will make it easier to stay vegetarian through day three if I can bring in my cooler. It will probably save money because I imagine that even water is expensive at a water park (weird).

If you're at Magic Waters in Rockford stop by the little island that I am going to plant my flag on and inhabit. I will be the guy all alone with the 48-quart or smaller cooler. I probably shouldn't have said where I am going to be today because now it will most-likely be mass-chaos. I hope my security detail is ready to handle the day they are about to have. That's why I pay them the big bucks I guess. Enjoy your Friday and I'll blog you tomorrow before our 8:30 AM batting practice/game. TA MH!

** tiki room photo crooned from tdrfan.com, rubberbands photo snapped from alibaba.com and magic waters photo splash-tastic-ed from nl.tripadvisor.com **

They Call Me "Doctor Blog"

Top of the morning to 'ya (unless you're reading this later and then "Top of the whatever time of day it is to 'ya")!

The violent storms that rolled through our part of the MIDDLEwest last night seem to be on coffee break as "they" say the storms may be returning tomorrow. Sugar Momma and I just went on a morning walk and one nice thing about storms rolling through is that it is very pleasant out right now. I can feel that once the sun decides to change moods, it will be humid today. I love how the radio stations all play what you should do in case of a tornado over and over. We live in the Middle of the country - we know the drill (pun intended). If you don't know what to do or choose not to do it during a tornado that's called "thinning the herd" and it's important for our species to progress.

Sugar Momma and I decided that we are vegetarians now. I had been a vegetarian a while back and I lasted for about two years until one time I drove by a White Castle and that Crave deal they talk about swept over me and I buckled and the car veered to the drive-through. The drive-through is probably the worst invention ever for health! Splenda has been a vegetarian for four years because she is a bleeding-heart like me. She has had her commitment tested but she is very strong-willed. I partially did it for the love of animals but it was probably an equal combination of that and the health issues. We are going to still eat fish at this point but Sugar Momma informed me this morning that she is going to eat white meats. So, I guess she's going to eat chicken and pork too. Not at dinner time she isn't unless she makes them herself. Last night I had put the potatoes in the oven before the tornado siren went off so they cooked while we were in the basement. I am one who would much rather be outside watching the storm but I need to set a good example for my son. If I die no big deal but if something happened to one of the kids because of me I'd just die (ironic isn't it). Anyway, I put chili-lime rub on the outsides of the potatoes and peeled two onion and put them on top and baked them while we were downstairs. When we emerged from the Mattcave I rubbed a salmon with pot-latch seasoning from William-Sonoma (ca-ching). Thank you to my great friend Mary for turning us on to that seasoning several years ago. For Father's Day I got a bag full of William-Sonoma goodies (mainly spices and such). I grilled the salmon and watched the storm off to the east. Just topped my potatoes with mango salsa - much better than butter and/or sour cream. It was fabulouso!

Sugar Momma's brother is in good physical condition and has been since I have known him. He has always had high cholesterol, however, and has taken medication for it for as long as I can remember. He is very physically-active; it's just hereditary it seems. He became a vegetarian, maybe last year, and now, for the first time since I can remember, his cholesterol is where it should be. Diet and proper nutrition is huge! Since I have lost all of my weight I don't think I have been sick to the point where I couldn't get out of bed one time. Some of it has to do with the better physical condition I am in, I'm sure, but I also know there is not the same day-to-day stress I had when I was working at a job that I hated. Mental and physical well-being are paramount in what we are (thanks for that morsel of knowledge that Captain Obvious).

I already have the line full of clothes to dry in the wind/sun this morning and it is Farmer's Market day. Hopefully someone will want to ride their bike there with me but, if not, I will spend the time alone with my best friend Roz.

I am mentally developing a new product called "BP TP" (patent/trademark/copyright). I am not sure exactly what it is going to be, which is why it's in development, but it will somehow combine the Gulf disaster with cleaning your bottom. Cleaning the bottom of our country while cleaning your bottom. (This is a commentary on the location of the oil-spill (bottom) and makes no aspersions on the region or the people of the south.) All the profits will go to help the families impacted by the Gulf oil spill disaster. Maybe toilet paper lightly coated with baby oil or something? I'm like Bill Blazejowski (Michael Keaton) in "Night Shift."

"What if you mix the mayonnaise in the can, WITH the tunafish? Or... hold it! Chuck! I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish, and FEED 'em mayonnaise! Oh this is great...This is Bill. Idea to eliminate garbage: edible paper. You see, you eat it, it's gone. Eat it, it's out of there!" Billy Blaze was an "idea-man."

Mahalo for letting me think I am making a difference. I appreciate it. If anyone wants to bicycle with me downtown to the Farmer's Market to see if the tie-dye is back I will be peddling probably around 11:00 AM. Maybe we can have our own little bicycle gang with leather jackets (no, too hot). Blog you later storm chaser!

** bill blazejowski photo love -brokered from adamcarolla.com **

Possibly My Final Words!

I'm glad I got the lawn mowed yesterday. Now it will rain for two days and I can mow it again on Friday. While I was mowing yesterday I was listening to Roz's "island music" play list and the Magnum P.I. theme song came on. I had downloaded it for Splenda's 16th birthday party a couple of years ago (it was a murder-mystery party so we had detective/spy music playing at the beginning). While I was listening to the song I couldn't help but think about the similarities between Thomas Magnum and myself. He drove a red Ferrari 308 GTS (humungo-ching) and I push a red Toro 22" Recycler (ca-ching). He wore a Detroit Tigers' cap which is the exact same logo for Dekalb High School and I wear baseball caps all the time (though I was wearing my Brokeback hat when I thought of this). Two syllable first and last names (Thomas Magnum - Matthew Helser). Women really dug him and women seem to be able to tolerate me. We have both been to Hawaii. We both have hairy chests and like to be around water. Facial Hair. Hawaiian shirts. He's good looking and I'm not completely hideous. We were probably separated at birth. "Are you Tom Selleck?" "No, but I get that all the time." I guess there's rumors of Matthew Mcconaughey playing Thomas Magnum in a Magnum P.I. movie...don't even get me started on my similarities with him...it's eerie.

When my brother was here from Hawaii he said that they are remaking the television show Hawaii 5-0. I didn't watch the original, though I saw it occasionally, as I was pretty young but I suppose I would watch the new one if there is one. Seems like a good show for TNT or FX or one of the millions of stations we seem to have now. I didn't check this rumor because he is from Hawaii and I'm sure he knows.

I have been getting calls from my former customers regarding problems they are having with leaky basements. It's nice to me missed I guess but it's also nice to appreciate the stress I left behind. One of my specialties at the company I formerly worked for was foundation waterproofing and basement leaks. Now that it's the rainy-season I think they are seeing how I spent most of my time - customer service. Customer service doesn't seem to be the priority it should be in the housing industry. That's probably true in most industries I suppose. Maybe I should start my own basement waterproofing consulting firm. I certainly have the experience and knowledge. The former customer this morning picked my brain and was going to pass on what I said to his builder. I may go and visit his builder with him on Friday in the Southern Suburbs and he will "buy me lunch." There's no such thing as a free lunch! Could I trade the lunch for what's behind curtain number one and a chance at winning fabulous cash and prizes?

Can vampires see the reflection of their clothing in the mirror? Maybe when people think they see ghosts they actually see reflections of a vampire's clothing in the mirror. I would like to believe in ghosts and think it seems cool but I don't think I do. Vampires, however, that's a different story. I am pretty much a skeptic on most things but I love to be wrong on just about everything I am skeptical about. People have said I hate to be wrong. Oh contraire. Okay maybe I do hate to be wrong...who likes to be wrong? So, I guess I was wrong about not liking to be wrong.

Last night after our baseball game (11:00 PM) I watched the DVR recording of Hell's Kitchen. I have watched this show since it's beginning and I love Gordon Ramsey. I love to cook and I like to see people get yelled at when they deserve it. Every single season I have wondered..."self, does every chef in the world smoke like a chimney?" During their down-time they ALL smoke. Is it so they cannot taste the food so they won't become over-eaters and gain weight? But, conversely, how can they know if their food taste's right if they cannot taste? Shouldn't a chef have a "spot-on" palette? Next time you're in a restaurant and your food doesn't taste right ask the server if the chef smokes but it will be rhetorical, of course.

I need to get a Hell's Kitchen sign for my kitchen with the pitchfork in the MIDDLE.. of the words "HELSER'S KITCHEN"

Well, I better get this posted before the tornado arrives and that way I can have posted my "last words"... If I keep blogging for the rest of my life, be it twenty minutes or 70 years, my blog may be considered my "last words." Whoa! I better take what I blog more seriously. No, actually I do take it seriously even though it's mostly nonsense but, remember, the people who discovered gold had to pan through a lot of muck to discover those few nuggets (trademark/copyright/patent) ...good luck finding my nuggets. Do you think people would be kinder if they thought that every time they spoke those could be their last words?

Have a great Hump Day. Mahalo for visiting and Aloha! Blog you later.

** thomas magnum photo quid pro quo'd from wolfgnards.com and hell's kitchen photo taken it's jacket off of topnews.in **

I Wanna Blog on the Drum All Day!

It's Tuesday already? It was worth a try.

Already a busy day. I went and got fuel for the lawnmower (we use fuel not gas because I mow so quickly and regular gas cannot keep up with my legs). I took the two tent frames I broke down yesterday from the party / tornadic wind storms to the recycler. Turns out they were steel, not aluminum, so I still got to recycle them but they paid nothing. My work outs must really be working because I bent that steel with my bare hands (pay no attention that they are thin hollow tubes). Sparky and I continued recycling day as we went to $1.00 clothing item day at Goodwill. As many things of ours as we donate you'd think I'd see some of our old clothes there once in awhile but I never seem to see them. There were no "Where's The Beef" items there Beefy...just so you know I am still checking for you every time. Now I have to mow the yard and continue the laundry, including the "new" clothes, before the next wave of of Mid-West storms arrive from Kansas (or Iowa) so I can hang them outside.

While you're doing what you do today make sure you continue to bang the drum. Today is Todd Rungren's birthday. Roz has that song in her repertiore so I will make sure she plays that while we're mowing.

I received a Facebook message my friend Stacee with a link attached showing a new clothing item on the market. The new item, called Camelflage, is an undergarment designed to hide camel toe. I am not going to explain what camel toe is here but I assume if you read my blog you know what camel toe is. I am sure, if not, you can google it with no problem. I need to find something to invent an item like this for. I bet you this item will sell like crazy and then there will be the large companies making it soon too. The link to this is pretty funny and I will add it to the "suggested links" list over there ---> in case you need a moose chuckle.

Another new item I heard about this morning on the news is called the "Trapster." It is a Smartphone (ca-ching) application that drivers can use to alert one another of: accidents, delays, speed-traps... When did the police become our enemies? I know it was before Drew Petersen but at what point did we want to help drunk 18-year-olds (extreme example to illustrate my point) be alerted so they can stay on the streets and maybe kill someone down the road because of their reckless speeding? I am as guilty as everyone and I am grateful when someone flashes their lights when I am speeding with police radar looming ahead but that's me...I'm Matt in the Middle. I guess your mentality changes when you get to the Middle of your life and you have kids. I am an Old Fuddy Duddy or a Middle Fiddle Diddle I guess.

Sugar Momma, Splenda and Sparky went to see Toy Story 3 last night. I stayed home and did a couple of hours of baseball paperwork. I will try to have a review of theirs up in the next day or two (maybe tonight though we have a game).

I guess there were people (grandparents) criticizing my coaching Saturday. I "should have sent (so-and-so) home" or "that guy should have scored coach" kind of things. I don't hear them during the game because I am trying to teach their kids and grandkids good sportsmanship and the proper way to play and respect the game and their opponents. They also don't seem to realize that there's a lot going on all the time and sometimes 13 and 14-year-old boys don't hear you or are afraid to go home when they think they'll be out even if we tell them to. I have also told the players to use their own judgments in close situations. I will continue to do the right thing by the kids and the team and if someone wants to coach I will be happy to let them and I will pay them 100 times my coaching pay. What is 100 x zero again? Oh, by the way, we came back and won the game since that is what seems to have been their main concern. I probably would not even have known about this if it hadn't been for calls from other parents saying how great they think I am with their kids and that they are very happy that I am their coach; I appreciate those calls and sentiments...thank you.

Another bumming piece of news for just about all of us...Michael Jackson's estate has made over a billion dollars since his death. Good for his family and yes, he was incredibly talented but send it to the Gulf or spread some to the Middle..I'm not too proud to take a $1,000,000 hand-out when you're ready (even $100,000 but that's my final offer).

Have a great "Bang On The Drum All Day" day. Blog you again tomorrow.

** clara peller photo stolen from screwedus.com, camelflage photo mistakely taken becuase I didn't see it from nld.com.vn and old people playing baseball balked from insidesocal.com **

Finally the Fishhook Story

Looks like more thunderstorms are ahead for us Middlers in the next couple of days. Very dark to the West already this morning. Last night I tried to fold up the last remaining framework for one of those yard tents. It was bent to heck too so we ended up buying two tents that we cannot use. I guess we got two new tarps out of the deal. Don't buy those semi-inexpensive ($75 - $110) tents if you have any kind of breeze at your place.

If you're speaking to someone from Canada how do you know if they're talking about a mouse or a moose?

Why are the Daytime Emmy Awards broadcast at night?

Sugar Momma said the other day that if she could have any body she wanted she'd want Sofia Vergara's (ABC's Modern Family) body. Being a good husband I agreed and said that's probably the one I'd want too.

Okay so I have told you the last couple of days that I would tell you what the bone fish hook that I got at an open-air market in Hawaii and wear around my neck means to me. The build-up makes it seem important and more interesting than it is. The build-up is only because I kept forgetting to write about it until the ends of my blogs and then they were already pretty wordy.

Historically, and still today, the ocean has been the lifeblood of the Hawaiian people and the islands themselves. The ocean provides: recreation, travel, beauty and sustenance for the people of the islands. Given all of this the Hawaiian fishhook to me represents the family bond of working together to survive and enjoy life. It also reminds me of the ocean which helps to calm me when life's waters get choppy. A lot of times people take what they have for granted and the fishhook, to me, is kind of a reminder that times have not always been as they are for most of us now. It makes me appreciate what our ancestors sacrificed for us. It's important to remember our struggles so we can appreciate what we have. A lot of the world still struggles every day to survive. The Hawaiian fishhook makes me thankful that I have a strong family bond and that we spend time together traveling and enjoying the world's beauty and each others' company. It reminds me to respect our resources as they allow us a means of survival. It helps to keep me centered and grounded. Most people have things that remind them of these things and help them to stay focused on their journey whether they be: photographs or rosary beads or a four-leaf clover or a visual picture...they are all things that help to remind us of what is important and give us comfort in times of trouble.

It seems that the first wave of the Middlewest storm has passed so I am going to get some clothes on the line and take advantage of the breeze right now. I know it's Monday but without Mondays you wouldn't appreciate Friday's so much. Have a nice day and Mahalo for reading my blog...blog you tomorrow...ALOHA!

** sofia vergara photo body-doubled from poptower.com & fish hook photo plucked from the web at hawaiiart.com **

Happy Father's Buffet

I spent the morning with my dad on Father's day. He has always been an inspiration to me. He has dedicated his life to his family and friends. I try to emulate him in this respect but I cannot live up to his example. I feel I may be about 80% the father he is but even that is pretty darn good. That gives me something more to strive for.

We went over to my parents' house and it turns out there is not a Ruby Tuesday's by their house. It is a TGI Friday's; just three days apart. So, we decided to go to the Ruby Tuesday out at Westfield Shopping Center (formerly Fox Valley Mall). The website said there was brunch there and they opened at 9:00 on Sundays. Turns out, contrary to their website information, they actually open at 11:00 (we were there at 9:35) so there was no brunch. We decided to eat at Old Country Buffet. The word "buffet" alone can be very stressful for a mentally-obese person. I ended up doing fine. I had a salad and oatmeal. Then I went back up for some baked fish and one slice of roast beef and a dry baked potato with salsa. I also had Sprite Zero. I was pretty proud that I could navigate my way through the buffet mine field without detonating. Before I started packing my plate I walked around the entire buffet area checking out all of the selections making mental notes. I actually treated it like a sport and came up with my game-plan. Then, after knowing my opponent and the field of play, I was able to win the battle. Planning is huge in weight-loss, excercise and maintenance I am finding.

I got a bruised arm passing a Volkswagen dealership on the way back from breakfast...darn Slug Bugs!

Last night Sugar Momma and I met some friends in downtown Dekalb for a pig roast at a pub (if this was Facebook I would "like" pubs). $5.00 all you can eat pig and $1 sides (I had corn on the cob without butter and cole slaw). I am not huge on pig so I had little pork (resisting); we just wanted to go out. I saw a woman that I saw every Monday, Wednesday and Friday when I was working out at a public gym. I always noticed her because every time I saw here I thought she looked exactly like Bo Derek and Linda Evans. She was at the pub last night and I found out who she is. She actually does star in feature films. Yes, Cindy Crawford is from Dekalb, but it was not her this time. I had heard that this woman is from here and lives here though I was not, and still am not, familiar with her work. We have a real adult entertainment star living in Dekalb. I had my camera in my pocket but I hate the paparazzi so I resisted. She even knew someone at our table and came (TWSS - could not resist any longer) over to our table for awhile. Maybe I should track her down and see about some work...talk about humorous anecdotes about being unemployed.

I was saddened to hear that former NBA basketball star Manute Bol died at 47. I always admired him for the way he made it out of an impoverished country (Sudan) and made a difference by donating much of his NBA salary to his war-torn country and visiting refugee camps to lift spirits and give hope to his homeland. Manute means "special blessing" in his native language and I believe he was just that to thousands of people in his native country.

Today was Paraguay vs. Slovakia and Brazil vs. Côte d’Ivoire. Another reason to like World Cup Soccer - geography lessons! Côte d’Ivoire is a country in Africa that we commonly call the Ivory Coast. Supposedly the Republique de Côte d’Ivoire is the country with the most children in the world and cocoa is their primary export. Sounds like a fun place to film the "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" remake (you know it's inevitable that there will be one since it's easier to remake a film than come up with an original idea).

I know I promised my meaning of my fish hook necklace but I will get to that tomorrow; I 75% promise. I hope everyone had a nice Father's Day and especially my proud friend Brian who is in San Diego visiting his son who just "officially" became a U.S. Marine - "OORAH!" I love when they say that in movies. Blog you again tomorrow...enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy! Ta.

Wanted: One World Cup Soccer Horn!

I am just now getting around to blogging today...sorry. I don't think people read as faithfully on the weekends anyway so I hope no one missed the blog too much to this point.

We had a baseball game this morning. After the storms in the Middlewest last night I would have bet against it. I was throwing batting practice at 8:30 and I had to go to Wal-Mart (ka-ching) before that to get more Gatorade (ka-ching). I should have gone to IKEA so I could have said ikia-ching! Our game started out kinda stormy as we gave up five runs in the first inning against the Sycamore Phillies. Turns out these guys, like the Sycamore Dodgers, were huge too. I am thinking Sycamore school lunches must have more growth hormones in them than Dekalb school lunches. So, once we settled-in (awesome sports cliche'), we chiseled away at the lead and then they'd score a few more but in the bottom of the 7th inning (we only play seven) they were up 16-14 and we came back and won 17-16...it's nice being on the opposite end of one of these squeakers for a change. One of the parents said my blog will have a happier undertone since we won; she's probably right. Sugar Momma was overheard sayin "now he won't be so crabby this afternoon." I thought she was referring to me but as it turns out she was talking about Sparky.

Sugar Momma says I should blog funny anecdotes and things about being unemployed. I'm trying to think of funny things about being unemployed but nothing comes to me. I'm sure I will think of some in the booby-hatch. Maybe an adult lemonade stand would be funny. I got an email from one of those job-search sites that I should sign-up to sell Avon. Maybe I should sell Avon thought Pampered Chef seems more my style. Would anybody buy Avon from me? They have dude stuff too I think. Okay, one of my new missions is to put a humorous spin on unemployment.

I finally worked out again yesterday after about two weeks. I had been lifting and toting things up and down stairs and digging this and hauling that so I guess I was exercising with different-shaped weights... I thought my workout would be very unpleasant since I have not doing it recently but it wasn't too bad. I guess the things I was doing were really working out without working out. The workout actually seemed a bit easier. Maybe I was over doing it before?

Yesterday we got our weekly weather micro-burst. The clouds over our house were several different colors of gray and black and red and they were spinning and hanging down. And then the rain came and guess who had clothes on the line. Yes, that's correct....Doofus Blogrectus me. I got the laundry in before the sky totally let loose. The storm was pretty bad with wind speeds upward of 70 miles an hour. At one point I saw a huge green flash of lighting. I found out this morning that an electrical transformer not far from our house went kablooey so that was probably the green flash. Fortunately, we never lost power. I think if I ever become a super hero I am going to be called Green Lightning.

Do you have this same problem that I have? I was eating a pastrami sandwich (low-fat) and Baked Lay's (ka-ching). They both tasted great so I had to decide which one I wanted to be my last bite. If there is one food that I like more than the other I will end with that food but this was a tie. I put the last chip between the bread of the last bite of sandwich and ate them together. It did not taste as good as either one separately. Never again! Next time I will end with one or the other and live with my decision.

Whatever happened to birthday spankings? What were birthday spankings about anyway? What a crazy tradition. They will not be missed.

I am addicted to World Cup Soccer. I watched quite a bit of Netherlands vs. Japan early this morning and some of Cameroon vs. Denmark this afternoon. I love Cameroon's uniforms. I think they should have a coconut as their mascot so they could be the Coconut Cameroons. I think the real reason I like watching World Cup Soccer is because of the horns the audience members blow. It sounds like a constant buzzing of bees in the background. I find it very soothing. I need one of those horns. They look like you could probably get one at those carnivals that will soon be traveling throughout the Middlestates very soon.

Okay I have blogged (blabbed) enough for today. I don't know what time I will blog tomorrow. We are going to take my dad (and mom) out for breakfast for Father's Day. My mom has to be home by NASCAR time (oh, what the heck, ca-ching). I think Ruby Tuesday (ca-ching-arino) serves breakfast now but if they don't we will be at I-Hop (bada-ching)...I will eat healthy at either place; I am getting very good at that. So, if you need me tomorrow about 9:00 - 9:30 try Ruby Tuesday or I-Hop Oswego.

I found my camera (and my watch) so I will show you something odd I found while cleaning up the party in tomorrow's blog...I know, you can hardly wait. Blog you later. One Blog Y'all.

** world cup soccer horn blown for 90-minutes straight (no joke here) from kfrog.radio.com **

Peace, Love and Wellness!

They say never blog angry or something like that but I am going to throw caution to the wind and do it anyway. I will show the experts that they have no idea of which they speak.

Last night we played baseball against the Sycamore Dodgers. Every player on their team was the size of Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds in their "home-run" days. When I say "home-run" I mean "juice." I am not suggesting that anyone was "juiced" just remarking on their hay-bailing sizes. We were winning in the last inning 10 - 7. They got a couple of guys on and then I saw the first home run I have seen this season. I think it's still going. They tied it up and scored the go-ahead run and we couldn't catch up in the bottom of the inning because, of course, they made two great defensive plays in the bottom of the last inning too. We lost 10- 11. That's baseball. We play the Sycamore Phillies tomorrow and I guess they are really good too. Michael Cera, Cera or Que Sera, Sera or whatever fits more appropriately here.

The Los Angeles Lakers won the NBA Championship last night and in true Los Angeles style the streets of L.A. turned into riots. What in the heck is that all about? If these cities and teams cannot control their fans I think they should be denied post-season play. It's always the same cities. The Chicago Blackhawks just won the Stanley Cup and there was no violence or riots attributed to their win that I heard of and I am within an hour of Chicago. This is why I am proud to be a MIDDLER (let's call Detroit "north"). I have always been a passionate fan and person but I have been taught good sportsmanship in winning and losing. This is what I try to instill in players I coach and when I play. There may be a riot going on in my head and in my heart but I keep it contained within the bounds of my body. Put some of that energy into cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Wasn't there a famous saying that came from L.A., "can't we all get along?"

While I was at the funeral the other day I noticed there were no fans to cool the place. I suppose that's because old people are always cold and most of the people at church are older. It's amazing how we find religion in the dusk of our days. For a guy who rarely talks religion that's two days in a row; actually this was more of a commentary on old people and being cold but the vision came to me in church. Great, I go into a church and now I'm seeing visions. That's how they get ya. What was in that incense?

If anyone is looking to get your father something nice for Father's Day I would suggest not buying him anything because most dads have everything they need. I have always thought that the best gift to give someone is good memories. Family, friends, health and memories are the only things we have when you get right down to it. That's what Kodak (ca-ching) is hoping for anyway.

I have come across a great blog you should check out if you're concerned with health issues; which MIDDLER isn't? It's the blog of Jennifer St. Martin and she covers everything health-related and seems very committed to helping people so they can go on experiencing and giving good memories. Her blog is honest and easy to follow (you know it must be if I can understand it). It is called "Fenix Wellness" and you can get there by copying and pasting the handy link to follow (I don't know how to create a hyper-link yet)- http://fenixwellness.wordpress.com/. I have included the link in the suggested links section in the margin (over there ---->) too. I do not know Jennifer personally but I asked her permission to promote her blog after I became aware of it and she is very nice and knowledgeable and passionate to help us all. She's the real deal! The only negative I see is that she isn't in the MIDDLE USA. Jennifer, as of today you are an honorary MIDDLER and we offer you the key to the region or section or mentality or whatever we are...welcome!

I went to the Farmer's Market in Dekalb yesterday. I love the Farmer's Market. When we were in Hawaii one of my best memories (though there were hundreds) was going to the farmer's market in Kailua Kona. I still wear a bone Hawaiian fish hook around my neck every day that I got at that outdoor craft fair / farmer's market. Every time I touch it I think of family and friends; the memories I was just blogging about. I will blog you why maybe tomorrow because this blog is getting away from me again...darn blogs! My favorite booth at the Dekalb Farmer's Market since I have been for the last few years is Sunny Day Bakery. They are a vegan couple (with a new baby) that make granola, and cookies and breads... I almost always get some granola and last time I got a jalapeno and vegan cheese bread that was awesome. They usually have a tie-dye tent but yesterday the tie-dye part was missing. I wonder if it's because Dekalb is a conservative town when the Northern Illinois University students are gone? I love tie-dye and what it represents to me but some people may be against peace and love... though I cannot IMAGINE! The booth was still in the same spot at the market but I missed the tie-dye. I hope the tie-dye is back next week; I know I will be.

Well I've blogged on long enough and have lots to do today. Have a nice Friday and I'll blog you tomorrow. :) Namaste!

** - que sera sera graphic stolen (and I will deal with the consequences) from dontpaniconline.com & rodney king graphic got along from lauriekendrick.files.wordpress.com **

That's Me In The Corner!

All of the items left at the party have been claimed. I was about ready to claim the sunglasses as my own and then one of Splenda's friends asked her if we found some sunglasses. I thought of Opie Taylor when he found $50 and Pa told him he could spend it and right after he started spending it someone came to the Sheriff's office saying he'd lost $50. Drat and double drat! My friend Beefy really wanted the Sleeping Beauty umbrella too.

Yesterday I went to a funeral for someone I worked with at my part-time job. I hadn't been in this particular church in awhile but we used to attend this church regularly. I am of the opinion, as most are I think, that it's not wise to discuss religion or politics too often. I know I am right on all of my views regarding these two subjects and you know you are correct on these subjects even though our views could be polar opposites. I do waver from this idea of not talking about these subjects at times but I am very selective when doing so. I enjoy hearing other ideas on both of these matters as I am very open-minded but I find that there are a lot of people who are not open-minded when it comes to these two subjects. I arrived at the church and sat in my own pew for quite awhile; that joke never gets old except it's always old. Some people finally came and shared my pew as Jane must have been very popular because for an 11:00 AM service on a Wednesday it looked like a Sunday morning church service.

I was reminded of a time when Splenda was young and Sugar Momma was 11 months pregnant on Christmas Eve and the little four-year-old Splenda and I felt we should go to church and wish Baby Jesus a happy birthday by going to church. We didn't know what time a service was but we headed over to this same church that I was at yesterday. We got there and went in and it was one of the strangest experiences of my life (well, maybe it was, I have had a lot of "different" experiences so maybe not). When we walked in the first thing I noticed was that I was easily the tallest person in the church (remember I am MIDDLE height by today's standards). The church was decorated differently too...hmmmm. We went to a pew and the service began. To this day I do not know one word that was spoken during that service. I am not sure if the service was held in Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Laotian, or Martian. I am pretty sure it wasn't Martian but I have never seen a Martian that I know of so maybe they resemble Asian people. We stayed for the service because I am sure Baby Jesus speaks all languages and loves all people and he would just be happy we thought of him on his birthday. "It's the thought that counts," right?

The service yesterday was very solemn and sad. Most church services I have been to in my life, even when they aren't funeral services, have all been subdued and on the sad side. I have been to a Jehovah Witness wedding (subdued), Catholic services (usually sad and subdued), various Protestant services (subdued) but there was one time that I was asked to speak after a church service on the East side of Aurora Illinois for an employee of mine at the time who was being honored at the service for his works as choir director. I went alone and, similarly as how I was the tallest person at the Asian Christmas service, I was Crayola-ly (ca-ching) different than the other parishioners at this service too. I was melanin-challenged. I looked like Elwood and Jake Blues when they walked into the back of The Reverend Cleophus James' (James Brown) church in The Blues Brothers. I sat through the service and felt very welcome when I got up and spoke. To this day, that is the best time I have ever had in a church (legally) other than my wedding (obligatory comment to stay out of the doghouse). I felt more welcome at this church service than I ever felt at any other church. Other than when I first arrived and having them see that I was "different" and wondering who I was and what I was doing there I have never felt that comfortable in a church even if I had been going to the same church for years. They were excited and happy and positive and that's how I think religion should be; a celebration. The church scene in The Blues Brothers was not much of an exaggeration at all.

I want to be surprised when I get to the great beyond and have fun until my burned up remains are offered to the surf gods ("is there a movie on this flight?"). One thing is for sure...we are all going to be surprised when the afterlife arrives. For not wanting to talk about religion I sure talked about religion a lot. Bottom line for me is that America was founded, in part, with the promise of freedom of religion and I hold that as sacred.

Want to get good service at a restaurant? I think I have found the secret. I usually have my notepad and a pen sitting out and write things as ideas and thoughts come to me so I can blog and because I am old and cannot remember joe (maybe it's jack I can't remember, I can't remember). Sometimes I think they think I am a restaurant critic or a spy from corporate or something. It's actually quite funny and a lot of times they bug me too much. I kinda like to be left alone when I am dining and I will flag you down if I need you but it is so entertaining to watch them try to figure out who I am and smooch my "desert sand" or "banana mania" or ""maize" buns. Wikipedia has a color chart for crayola crayons (mini-ching) and I think these are the three colors that most-closely match the color of me bum, me bum, me lovely matty buns, check it out! I like the sound of "banana mania buns" but don't like the visual.

Go forth and spread the word of Matt in the MIDDLE. Live long and prosper. Increase our following so we have a better chance to be received into the blog after-life. Drink the Kool-aid gosh darn it!

Have a splendiferous day! Blog you later cyclone rangers!

** religion/politics graphic reincarnated from groundnotes.wordpress.com, crayon photo raw sienna'd from graphicsdb.com & blue brother's photo is on a mission from film.virtual-history.com **

Turn Around Don't Drown!

I sure hope I didn't screw anybody up yesterday. I wished you all a Happy Humpty Hump Day, meaning Wednesday, at the end of yesterday's blog and it was only Tuesday. Hopefully nobody knew I was referring to Wednesday when I said Humpty Hump Day.

Today will be kind of a solemn day. Someone I worked with (Jane) at my part-time job passed away and her visitation, church service and reception are today. Like most part-time jobs I didn't know her real well but I would say I saw her almost every time I worked so I probably knew her as well as I do any of the other hundred or so people I have worked with there. She was always friendly and nice and happy. I am going to the church for the visitation and funeral service but do not know if I will go to the luncheon. I also work with Jane's daughter so I guess I am going there for her as well as to pay my respects to/for Jane. Jane was probably about my parents' age so it makes me start to think about my parents' mortality. One of my parents' friends from high school (and a person they spent a lot of time with while I was younger) passed away a couple of weeks ago too. I know death is part of life but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Last night while I was watching Hell's Kitchen (well the DVR replay of Hell's Kitchen) a message crawled across the top of the screen about a flood warning. It read "if traveling remember turn around don't drown." A sign makes sense but if you're driving you're probably not watching television and you're not going to see the tv warning but thanks a lot Dr. Seuss for the advise. Don't eat a tomato while running from a tornado. Try not to itch if you fall in a ditch. Make your blood clot if you get a gunshot. I think I may have found a new calling or maybe I'm stalling.

I am optimistic that some good may actually come from the BP oil spill in the Gulf. I think this may push us to realize that green technology is the way to go and it could shift to create new jobs to help our economy rebound too. Green technology may save our planet, our resources and our economy. How can you not be for living green? It takes rain to make rainbows and oil spills to clean the planet (life's little ironies).

The Heartland Blood Center called me the other day and told me that I am now eligible to give blood again. You always hear of wild animals getting the smell of blood and tracking their prey. I guess by me giving blood I have become the hunted. I will give blood again soon because it is the right thing to do and it doesn't bother me. And, who doesn't like free snacks?

Speaking of snacks I am seriously getting too comfortable not watching what I am eating again. I don't know how my mind cannot remember how miserable I was being fat. The instant gratification lasts for a moment but the benefits of being thin have lasted and are great. You are now my therapist and by letting me write this you are helping me solve this issue and change the course back. I always found in school that if I wrote something down rather than just tried to remember it I would remember it because it gets planted deeper into my psyche or something. Let's hope it works with typing and blogs the same way.

As amazing as Velcro is I still think Duct Tape was more important to mankind. They both have different applications because Duct Tape looks funny wrapping your clothing so I guess we can keep both.

Going to see Get Him to the Greek the other day led me to buy another song for my i-Pod (Sugar Momma's gonna get jealous with all of the things I buy for Roz). You'd think that I bought a song from Aldous Snow, Jackie Q or Infant Sorrow (the fictitious musical acts from the movie who actually have very entertaining and good songs). But no, I bought "One Tribe" by the Black Eyed Peas from the Pepsi (ka-ching) commercial before "your feature presentation." I love the Peas and have thought of getting this song before and I was just thinking that I needed a little energy drink for Roz so good timing...well played Pepsico...well played!

You've endured enough for today. I wrote way too much yesterday, sorry. Have a great Humpty Hump Day again. I will blog you again tomorrow with more wonderfully insightful nonsense with a useful nugget sprinkled in occasionally.

** humpty hump photo great "falled" from mtv.com, turn around don't drown sign swept away from nws.noaa.gov, lucy van pelt shrunk from griffithoss.files.wordpress.com and speed humps slowed down and stolen from thegreengenius.com **

Today In Middlewest History!

Rise and shine. It's time to Head to O'Hare (ORD) again. This time to put my brother on a plane back to Hawaii. I'll start this episode of Matt in the Middle now and finish it when I get back.

Sugar Momma took vacation time for the graduation party...and today is her last day off. Yesterday we went to see a movie and I will review Get Him To The Greek today and post it over there ---->. For the first time in my movie reviewing history I will also get Sugar Momma's insight for my review. Also, as an added bonus I will try to get a review of The Karate Kid from my 13-year-old son and translate it over there too ----->. He and a friend saw that while Sugar Momma and I saw Get Him To The Greek.

I am back from the airport...did you miss me? I'm like Samantha Stevens (okay, Uncle Arthur, whatever). I was in Oswego at 4:30, at O'Hare at 5:20 and I'm back home at 7:14...not too shabby methinks. I am pretty tired, however. Our baseball game got done last night a little before 10:00 and then we went to Dairy Queen (ca-ching)...I had nothing. I'm just the money-man. We won our game 7-2. Sparky (my new blog name for my son - added in the bloggssary over there ---->) was the starting pitcher and went 5 innings only giving up one run on an error. It was a fun game and the temperature was so there was no sweating and no bugs...my kind of weather.

President Obama is giving an Oval Office speech tonight regarding the Gulf oil spill. While I was toodling around the MIDDLEwest this morning I heard the pre-dawn talk radio shows blabbing about BP and how there is now hatred and bashing aimed at the British people. That's ridiculous. BP hasn't gone by the name British Petroleum since like 1998. Would the rest of the globe hold it against the United States if American Airlines or U.S. Steel had a similar problem? I imagine there are some short-sighted people who are holding the entire British Empire responsible for this and those are always the types of people who are the loudest. Let me just say...fish & chips, The Beatles, Princess Diana, the Mini Cooper, Austin Powers...the Brits have done a lot for us as we have for them...so, "oh behave!"

On the way to the airport it was funny listening to my brother talk about the rush-hour traffic in Honolulu. Dude, there are more people on Chicago's roads during one morning's rush-hour than there are people on all of the Hawaiian Islands combined at high season (whatever that means though I think it means tourist season). He was at the Blackhawks Stanley Cup parade. Did he not notice one billion people there? There were more people there than McDonald's (ca-ching) has served. Just because we're Middle don't make us out to be small and weak...WE ARE THE MIGHTY MIDDLE and we will not be trifled with!

Who lives in restaurants? How can something be considered homemade if it's made in a restaurant? I suppose some are homes to rats and cockroaches but I wouldn't advertise that. Is this "The Shoemaker and the Elves" deal where elves live there and make things while the restaurants are closed? So technically food made in a restaurant can be homemade? Or, do the chefs and cooks make the stuff at home and bring it in so it's homemade but not homeserved? Maybe places like I-Hop (ca-ching) and Denny's (ca-chingaroo) that are open 24 hours a day are homes to travelers and vagrants.

Okay...off to see if I can sleep a bit before Sugar Momma, Splenda and Sparky get up. It seems like I have an affinity for the letter "S" doesn't it? Hmmmm, what's that all about? Thank goodness I'm not Cindy Brady..."baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can talk." Sugar Momma and I may try again to go to Morton's Arboretum if the rain holds out...don't do a dry dance for us because you're not very successful at those.

Later I will post the Get Him to the Greek and The Karate Kid reviews so read the Letters To Juliet and Robin Hood reviews right now before they are gone (you can access them through past blogs, however). Have a great Humpty Dance Day and I'll blog you later taters!

** get him to the greek photo furry-walled from filofilia.com and austin powers shagged from bestweekever.tv **

Happy New Week!

Howdy Doody Monday Blog faithful! My camera with all the blackmail material from the party continues to be missing. I still have some of the items that washed up on shore down island so if you lost: a Sleeping Beauty umbrella, a pair of men's blue lens mirrored sunglasses or a Hijos De Villa tequila revolver bottle #28812 (actually I know whose this is but it sounds more gangsta and adds street cred to our party than the other two so I added it) let me know. There was a yellow umbrella too but someone must have come and claimed that one already or maybe it never existed? If you don't read this blog maybe you'll never see them again unless you remember where you left them. So, If you see me walking down the street with a pink Sleeping Beauty umbrella wearing blue mirrored shades in a tux drinking from the barrel of a glass pistol please write a song about me. " I suppose you're just a harmless beachcomber who happens to be wearing a tuxedo."

I am not going to go on about the party any more other than to say there are people I really enjoyed seeing again and there were a couple of neighbors that seem to be mending their differences because of my Mai Tais...whoever says nothing good comes from a good island cocktail must be drinking the wrong ones. If you are mad at me come on over and let's talk it out over a few dozen concoctions. You don't need to make up a story about how you are mad at me....it actually is better if we start out happy because there are still world problems to solve too you know. If we don't solve them who will?

My favorite cousin (I can say this because I am sure none of my other cousins read this blog but if they do it's a tie) has brought it to my attention that there has been no sun since the party. Maybe some of the people who were at the same place at the same time have caused a polarity shift or something and now there will be X-years of darkness. Not even any sun yesterday and that day is called SUNday! If the sun doesn't come back soon I guess we'll have to have a polarity-re-reversal party to right what we have wronged. Oh bother! I would suggest a native dance but that didn't work so well last time I suggested it.

We went out and had to buy another canopy tent yesterday because the wind actually must have damaged the one we borrowed. It appeared not to be the case until we tried to fold it back up. I think this whole deal would have been a lot cheaper if Splenda hadn't graduated from high school and we just supported her for the rest of her life. Just kidding, of course (sort of).

You know how "50 is the new 40" and "green is the new black" and "Matt Helser is the new Leonardo DiCarpio?" Well I think "tired is the new energized."

Hey how aboot (Canadian accent) that World Cup Soccer deal. Do you you know about this...have you heard about this? It turns out that soccer is really popular in the World. Have you heard about this...do you know about this? Most places in the World, it turns out, call soccer football. Now that hockey is over and The Chicago MiddleHawks are the Stanley Cup champs and the NBA Championship (east coast - west coast...boooring) is just about over and baseball is pretty much meaningless until September I say let's jump on the futbol wagon and rock this puppy...I guess U.S.A. has a pretty good team. Is David Beckham or Pele or Sylvester Stallone on our team? I never really thought about this until typing his name just then but...Stallone had to be pretty tough and sure of himself to stick with the name Sylvester. Sufferin' succotash, I have NEVER known a Sylvester (first name) in my life and the only two I even know OF are Sly Stallone and Tweety's nemesis. I know it's unlike me to get side-tracked but LET'S WATCH WORLD CUP SOCCER..USA, USA, USA, USA, USA...

## Neighborhood alert ## Looks like "The Old Simmons Place" is getting a new fence. I will update as my nose for gossip gets more information. There's a green tag in the window (building permit) of the house and some very tanned gentlemen with hole-digging machinery and a truck full of sand and posts are ascending on the house.

Have a nice sunless day. If you're really bored the Dekalb Cardinals have four games this week - three at home and a tornado/grad party make-up game in Kingston so come on out. There was mention that there may be adult refreshments...the other teams though I believe so don't bring your tequila-sniffing chihuahuas near our stands. Blog you later with the news that we beat the Burlington Mariners tonight...fingers crossed.