Happy New years Eve Eve (not Samoa)!!!!!

Happy New Years Eve!!!! Unless you're in Samoa then happy whatever day you decide it is today day!

My New Wallet (also has Lo-Jack)

The other day Fabio and I were at a restaurant for lunch and I found a wallet on a bench near the counter. I immediately took it to the person behind the register and he proceeded to pull out all of the credit cards and identifications. I said, " I bet if you just wait a few minutes the person will realize they lost it and will be back to see if it's here." He continued to rifle-through the wallet. He announced to his friends behind the counter that the guy was stupid because he has his Social Security Card in the wallet and that is "the greatest way to have your identity stolen." I thought the best way to have your identity stolen was for some moron to start pulling stuff out of your wallet. I then asked, "is there an I.D. in there that says what where he lives so you could look him up in the phone book?" He looked at me like a moron in the headlights. I honestly think he had no idea what a phone book was. Then I saw the 5 watt bulb go off and he decided that was a good idea but as he was getting ready to try to see if he really knew what a phone book was guess what? The guy who lost the wallet came back in looking for his wallet. Maybe the Mayans were partially right and all of the idiots will just vanish at the stroke of midnight tonight (fingers crossed).


Riddle me this (this is a hypothetical question hypothetically)....your family goes out of town for Christmas. When they come back home, after a few days, you are given a present and you open it and you love it. There are many other presents under the tree but your parents are coming over the following week so you and your family can have "Christmas" together. You don't really know what is under the tree because even though when you were younger you may have unwrapped gifts to see what they were and re-wrapped them and acted surprised when you opened them marriage has made you learn self-restraint so you don't even look at what is under the tree. A few days go by and something is asked about one of the presents you "received." You reply that you only got the one present and then you are asked, "why didn't you open your presents?" Am I wrong in thinking that those presents shouldn't be opened without an invitation to do so by the giver(s)? Just curious.

In an unrelated part of the blog - I received some Christmas presents yesterday.

I never really cared for Popeye; I liked the Robin Williams / Shelley Duvall movie though. Maybe if you are a Popeye fan you can answer this for me. Were Bluto (not the Animal House one) and Brutus the same guy? They looked pretty much identical and they sounded alike (probably). I was always just a little confused - no big news there.

Splenda is coming home in a few days and I am excited to see her. I haven't seen here since I cannot even remember when so it must have been more that twelve minutes because that's my new limit for remembering things.

we used to be able to watch Netflix movies on multiple devises at the same time but can no longer do that. If you are trying to watch a movie and another member of the household is already watching a movie it won't let you watch your movie anymore. I had always thought that they were stupid for allowing that and they must have finally figured it out. It must be a new thing that they are doing starting in 2012 - Damn Mayans!!!!

Have a great time tonight but please be safe. The blog and the Dirty Laundry Podcast need you!!! No, I need you!!! January 1st is not a blog holiday so I will be blogging tomorrow for the new year. Maybe I will try to do a stupid 2011 top ten list. we were going to do that on the next podcast but those lists are stupid. we will probably play a few of our most requested or favorite moments but that's enough. Thanks again for being here - you make me the riches Matt in all of Blog Land. I will blog atcha again tomorrow. TTTT...MITM (send them out Roz!)

The Ginormously Amazing New Normal Blog!

"HAPPY NEW YEAR PRACTICE!!!!!!!!"

Thank goodness it's not about four degrees colder because then I would be out shoveling the driveway instead of in here with you blogging.

New Year's Eve is tomorrow and I heard on the radio on the way to work yesterday that New York City actually has practice confetti drops for their New Year's Eve celebration in Times Square. Are you kidding me? Maybe I am new but let me see if I am missing something. You get a bunch of confetti. You load it up and hoist it to the top of a really tall building. You dump it over and watch the confetti float down to the ground. What is there to practice? If you were in a controlled environment it would still be stupid to practice gravity but sine the wind or the rain/snow may change within the two days does practice matter anyway? Now they have to clean the street and do it all over again. There is over one ton (2,000 lbs) of confetti dropped in NYC every New Year's Eve. I think I am going to start a recycling business in New York next year. Maybe this is how they get to pad their fiscal budgets for next year; "look how many man hours and paper supplies this took." I say "scrap" the whole deal but I am sure that the alcohol companies and the hotel industry and maternity doctors and hospitals would put up a fight.

I further heard that people can actually get their own personal New Year's messages written on the confetti. Matthew Broderick wished for peace. Supposedly peace is one of the top five wishes people litter with. It probably makes #6 on my list. Abigail Breslin's wish is my favorite - "I wish this piece of confetti would get picked up."I guess they both hoped for piece/peace didn't they?

I did work-out yesterday and I am happy that I did. I am always happier after I work-out. One thing that I really missed and I had no idea was the little soreness that follows. It's not an ache or a pain but a constant little twinge that reminds you every time you move a certain way. I am not being facetious - I really did miss the soreness and didn't know that I missed it. I know it sounds silly and I am not a masochist. I cannot explain it but I really do like the twinge.

Love those LSSU Golden LaSSU-ettes

I noticed that fuel prices went up 15 cents per gallon yesterday in town. It's not bad enough that Illinois is doubling their Tollway rates January 1st but now it will even cost more to get to the tollway. Maybe they figure people will not use the tollway as much next year and hope we will think the higher gas prices are "still better than the higher tollway prices." People suck! (not everyone sucks but you know if you're one of the sucky ones and just stop sucking already)

Michael Jordan and Winona Judd are engaged!!!! Are you as amazed as I am at that? Winona Judd and Michael Jordan are seriously engaged. Oh wait, they are engaged to different people not each other so I guess it's not that big a deal after all. Nevermind.

Lake Superior State University just released their 37th annual list of words and/or phrases that should be "banished" from the English language. The reason I thought of this is because I just used one of the words in the last paragraph (well a derivative of it anyway). They think the word "amazing" should be banished. Others were: "shared sacrifice" (which I have never used and would not have ever used if they didn't tell me I shouldn't use it), "occupy" (seriously?"), "mancave," "the new normal," "ginormous," "blowback" and the one that I am sure I will never be able to stop using - BABY BUMP! It's ginormously amazing to me that such a shared sacrifice should be the new normal while I try to blowback in my occupied mancave. There are other words and phrases they want banished too and I will listen because when I think linguistics I think Lake Superior State University. I find it a more amazingly ginormous baby bumpish that there is even a Lake Superior State University that has been around for 37-plus years. Maybe instead of worrying about the words we use they should wonder why their college mascot is "the Lakers." I cannot take vocabulary advise from a school that cannot even be creative in the mascot. How about the LSSU Golden LaSSUs? Sorry for the blowback LSSU!

Have a great day and to my friends in Samoa - HAPPY NEW YEAR - and you thought it was  only the 30th...get with the program (by the way, I love your cookies). Thanks for stopping by and for most of us tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Be smart because I want you to keep coming back and visiting with me - you are one of the only ones! TTTT...MITM (totally jonesin' for Samoas - thank goodness the Girl Scouts aren't selling cookies right now) TA!!!

Star Dies, Day is Deleted...Maybe the Mayans Were Right!

I am a bit melancholy today. I am not really sure of the exact definition of the word but doesn't every word have a slightly different definition for each person who uses it? Kinda like how everybody sees different situations differently or some people find one thing funny or beautiful and the next person totally disagrees. Anyway, I feel melancholy and it may or may not feel the same way as it would feel if you were melancholy.

I am not really sure when I became melancholy but maybe it's the end of the month thing - you who have been reading the blog for awhile know that I am usually Mattstruating about this time of the month and maybe that's it. It may be the holiday blues too who knows? I think I realized that I was in "a mood" yesterday when I heard that one of my favorite movie stars I remember watching every week as a kid died recently. He was a star from the 1930's but his movies were always on television when I was young before cable and satellite television existed. Cheetah, the chimpanzee from the Tarzan films, died at the age of 80 at The Suncoast Primate Sanctuary Foundation in Florida. Tell me he didn't get all the primates at the sanctuary! He had to be a total primate-magnet even at 80-years-old. Just like many celebrity deaths, however, Cheetah's passing is shrouded in controversy. Many people are saying that very few chimps live beyond 45 years in captivity and that this wasn't the real Cheetah - it sure looked like him to me. I bet Cheetah lived a pretty posh life as a former film start and maybe that led him to living longer. I heard that they found his SAG (Screen Actors Guild) card among his belongings which hopefully will put these vicious TMZ-like rumors to rest! RIP Cheetah! I wonder if he'll make that stupid list of "stars that died in 2011?"

Cha Cha has always tried to convince me that Target is a great store. I never really totally agreed (though I do like it okay) but even though the recent changes to their stores is due to some bad behavior by some of their employees I believe the outcome of this behavior may make me go to Target much more often in the coming (not gonna say it and if you're thinking it it is your mind and not mine) days. A mother who was nursing her baby at a Target store in Texas was "surrounded" by Target employees that asked her to go to a fitting-room to breast-feed her baby. Supposedly some of them even "rolled their eyes at her." I have mixed feelings about this. I think it kind of depends on how she was asked. The terms "surrounded by" and "rolled their eyes" makes it sound like she was harassed and it was almost gang violence/mob action but I am not sure. If someone was feeling uncomfortable by this and they nicely asked I don't see the harm. All she had to do is say "no" and continue to breastfeed. I don't know the circumstances but I like the results even though I always find out too late just like the breast-feeding situation that happened right down town in my town when I drove by coincidentally and it looked like a run on Bailey Building & Loan. I didn't even know what all the people were down there until the next day or I would have stopped for sure. Anyway, yesterday there was a big Target breastfeeding-a-thon nationally and again I failed to receive the memo. I may head over to Target today...we do need a few things. I guess there is even a The Facebook page about this...I am really out of the areola loop on this one. I felt my way through The Facebook looking for the particular page about this exact event but I didn't see the specific page. There are lots of breastfeeding The Facebook pages - big ones, firm ones, small ones, perky ones, saggy ones, older one, the sizes and shapes and attitudes are countless...but I could not get my hands on the specific page for this event. I really suck at trying to find this page but I will never give up my pursuit to check them all!

I'd rather be more like a Troy Polamalu Samoan

At midnight tonight the islands of Somoa and Tokela will skip December 30th all together and the date will become December 31st. Somoa made this decision so they could improve their trade relations with Australia and New Zealand. Tokela is just a Samoa wanna-be and is changing their date just to be like Samoa. So now you totally lose a day? What if you live in Samoa, and you are 20-years-old and your birthday is on December 30th....do you have to wait another year before you can be of legal drinking age? I am making an assumption that the drinking age in Somoa is 21, of course. If you're 15 do you have to wait another entire year to get your drivers' license? I hope it works out for everybody. Now we can watch the Samoan New Year's Eve celebration tomorrow night right?

Speaking on Samoa... I have been slowly putting the pounds back on. I have been blaming the schedule of my new job but it is a bad habit/trend and I am sick of it. Today I start working-out again and eating properly. It's funny how I could rationalize eating like crap and not exercising like it was okay! IT IS NOT OKAY (for me, at least). This has nothing to do with New Years' resolutions because for me those are silly. If it works for you GODSPEED! Anyway, it's back to the Smart Matt so he doesn't have to deal with the Fat Matt again. I haven't decided if I will continue to eat meat or not but I do like being a peskaterian even though I am generally more of a pestaterian.

Thanks for stopping in here today - I always appreciate your company. I hope you have a great Monday (that's right it's Monday for me today even though your week is winding-down). Do Samoan's only work four days this week too because they totally lose a day? How does their pay at work change? I am totally worried about Samoa. This might be what the Mayan's were talking about when their calendar got all screwed up (I think this warrants some investigation for this coming week's Dirty Laundry Podcast). don't you hate people who act like they're gonna leave and then stand in your door-way with their coat on for another hour blabbing? I can take a hint....TTTT (the 30th or the 31st depending on your island) - MITM (out, finally).

Some Mysteries Solved For You Before 2012

I have to get Fabio up in about an hour-and-a-half for day two of the Streamwood basketball tournament so I may have to stop drastically here if I can't make the blog flow...ye be warned! I imagine many of you are excited that it's hump day already huh? For me it's the last day of the weekend so I am sorry to say that I cannot share your jubilation. (does anybody else think of Jubel Walker when you hear the word jubilation?)

warning - some objects may appear larger than they are

I saw the movie The Change-Up last week. It is entertaining but it is most definitely mindless entertainment. It's a premise that has been used in movies many, many times  - two people who each thinks the other has a better life pee in a fountain together and wishes they could change lives and some magical atmospheric forces grants their wishes and they switch bodies and take over the other person's life. Sometimes I think movies are better than they really are based on the circumstances or the moods we are in when we see them and I think this may be the case for me and this movie. I was bored outta my noodle (peeing in fountain pun not intended) and was willing to watch anything to pass the time so that may be why I think this movie was even okay. The thing about the movie that really surprised me was that Leslie Mann, who gets a lot of work and usually those types of actresses don't have to show their hidden treasures, shared with me her bare breasts. I have since discovered two things about this/her. The first thing even surprised me more than her Christmas gift to me....she is Judd Apatow's wife which is another reason she probably normally wouldn't bare her bounty! But then, while researching for the blog (yes, there is research involved) I discovered that her "boob-a-palooza" was actually prosthetic/fake/stunt boobs. I gotta say that when I watched the film I was totally not suspecting it and it engorged my interest in the film while I wondered why for the next couple of days why she would do this. I am so naive.

As long as I am in the bosom of the blog... am I the only one who every time I see the new Janet Jackson Nutri System commercials thinks "nip slip?" More specifically "wardrobe malfunction?" How did Justin Timberlake come out of that unscathed and poor Janet Jackson had to take the whole breast brunt of the ordeal? I like J.T. a lot but he shoulda stepped-up and took some of the heat for that. It was almost like an assault actually. Do you like how I can make five-year-old news (I am not really sure how long ago it was but I am approximating poorly probably) relevant blog-worthy?

Is that "the bird" or a gun? curiouser and curiouser

I saw on a commercial that H2 (History Channel 2) is preying on the nervous and all this week is featuring Armageddon Week. The people who really believe that 2012 will be the end of the world don't have cable or satellite television so I think this may be a waste of programming. If you believe that 2012 is the end of the world and you have cable and/or satellite television I apologize if you are offended. But even more I feel totally honored that, knowing that you have less than a year to live, you would take the time to read my blog. It's awesome that of all the things you could do in the last days of your existence you would spend time reading what I have to say...thank you and I will miss you the most!

There's a new book out (The Weasel: a Double Life In The Mob) that says former Teamster's boss Jimmy Hoffa is buried at General Motors headquarters in Detroit Michigan. I provide this as a service to those of you who do not want to go into your last year of existence without knowing one of the greatest mysteries of life and wasting your time reading this book to find out this information that will probably never be proven or disproved. To also help you go with less on your mind so we can enjoy our last days together - ghosts do exist, the Loch Ness monster is just mist and fog, extraterrestrial beings live among us, Lee Harvey Oswald was really a patsy as he claimed in 2012 1963, we really did go to the moon, Noah's Ark is in Turkey buried beneath mountians... I will stop there because a several more I could tell you most of you would not be able to handle and/or would string me up when I told you the truth. These are the ones that I would not be lynched over. My book on all of these newly-solved mysteries will be on sale soon. I need to get it out before 2013 when people find out they shouldn't spend all of their money on useless crap before the end of 2012!

How about a little bloggin'-around money?

I read that a Colorado man found $10,000 in cash at the airport in Las Vegas and reported it to airport authorities. He then called the airport every day to see if someone reported losing the money which they eventually did and he returned the money to that person. I am a pretty honest person and I always try to do what's right by other people but I must say that I don't know what I would have done if I found 10 G's in an airport. My first thought would be to turn it in but I over-think everything. Well, not everything... some things I don't over-think and some things I under-think. Hmmmmm...let me over-think about what I would do with the money (and I didn't even find the money)..... My first thought (while over-thinking) would be that Las Vegas is full of dis-honest people and I would figure whoever I told at the airport would figure a way to have one of their friends come in after a couple of days and report that they lost $10,000 and they'd split it when I turned it in. Anyway, after a couple of weeks somebody finally came in and reported that they lost $10,000 at the airport and they were given the money back. I applaud this man who reported and turned it back in and as much as I like to think I am like this fella I am not really sure if I am. Las Vegas is full of suckers. I will have to add that chapter in my book that will be out in 2012 (OR WILL IT?). Yet, another mystery. If the book comes out that will be the last chapter - whether the book is really out or not. 

It's quarter of six and I need to start fighting with Fabio to get up. Have a great day today and if you find $10,000 today I lost it exactly where you find it. Be nice to someone today just in case - 2012, you know! TTTT....MITM

My Trip the Morgue! by Matt in The Middle!

Time Warp  - 25/8

Is it Tuesday? I am totally in a time-warp all the time now. I was off work yesterday and slept most of the day to play catch-up but have been up all night again and now I am off today and tomorrow (this is the three-days-off part of my work cycle). It wasn't hard getting used to not sleeping and never seeing people you love but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Cha Cha and Fabio are back but I haven't seen much of them. I was asleep when they got home and then Cha Cha was asleep when I woke up and I just now had to tell Fabio to go to bed (4:30AM) because he is playing catch-up on his video games since he wasn't able to play them for the last three days. Today and tomorrow he has a basketball tournament in Streamwood. I just wanted you to get caught-up with the goings-on in this hiz-ouse!

I imagine most of you went back to work yesterday or did you get an extra day off because Christmas fell on a Sunday? If you got yesterday off I suppose you have to go back today. Cha Cha has today off but has to go back tomorrow. Do you know what I got for Christmas? Really, do you know? I opened zero Christmas presents this year. I was at least hoping for a bag of coal as Christmas Day went on. The two bright spots for Christmas for me were talking to my family on the phone (even my brother called me from Hawaii while I was sleeping and wished me Mele Kalikimaka) and my great friend Brian Didier stopped by to be the guest co-host (Cha Cha For A Day) on Dirty laundry Podcast.

If anyone has Adorexia I would sure like to get with you if it's contagious. I did not misspell Anorexia even though spell-check is trying to tell me that I did. I do not want Anorexia. Adorexia is a condition characterized by a freedom from worry or any other preoccupation. Adorexians (probably a made-up word by me right now) are always in a complete state of calmness and peace. I am much closer to that than I once was and I am continuing my journey but if I could just get some Adorexia germs from someone who has it and speed-up the incubation process that would be awesome. By me worrying that it is taking too long to complete this journey I think I may be taking myself further from the end...ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!! Go ahead - look it up if you don't believe me. I just did a Google search for a photo to put here of "adorexia" and OMG! Most of the photos were topless women - SERIOUSLY! Hence, no adorexia photo. Google you really know what adorexes (probably another made-up word by me) me...you get me!

I DVR'd It's a wonderful Life because now that it's on commercial television it would take about three hours to watch this 90-minute movie. I love that movie. Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart and Alfalfa - talk about The Dream Team! Commercial to movie ratio 50:50.

Right before Christmas you may have read either on here or by my emails telling you to lose weight or buy Viagra that my email account got spammed. Maybe this is obvious and my Adorexia has calmed me too much to keep up with the rest of you but I was wondering why someone would manufacture and send spams. Ha....Christmas Spam (sorry). Anyway, I started thinking who would have anything to gain by spams? People always say "it's just hackers trying to see if they can do it and prove that they are smarter than everyone else..." I think that is a lie also perpetuated by the people who are manufacturing and launching the spams. I Ellery Queened-it out and figured that it has to be the companies that provide/manufacture/sell the anti-spam software right? Who else has anything to gain by doing this? Like I blogged - maybe I am stating the obvious and everybody else already discussed this but I don't usually get to sit at the grown-ups table and the news of these discussions doesn't get to me right away.

How many of you already went to Goggle and searched adorexia and then clicked on images? All the males at least I'd bet.

Have you noticed that A LOT of actors don't say the word "something" properly? You will now that I planted that little acorn in your noggin. I have noticed it here and there for quite some time and wish I had started a list but the most recent one that I saw that reminded me of it was John Kasinski. I cannot think of the others right off the top of my head but it's usually women that I have noticed (no great surprise me noticing women more I guess). They pronounce it "sunthing." Maybe actors are told that if they make the "M" sound their lips come together and they may stick and ruin make-up or there may be some wetness or spit on the lips? I don't know but I will start making a list. I cannot remember who but there is one actress that I have seen do it over and over and over again but my Adorexia has blocked it which is why I write so many things down all the time.

You don't hear or read this very often in life

I was in a morgue the other day. No, I did not know anybody who died but someone asked me, "hey, do you want to see some brains in Tupperware?" To which I responded...."HELLS YEAH!!!!" So, in the MIDDLE of the night I went to a morgue where nobody else was except for the person who took me there and many, many bodies. Some were wrapped in sheets and some in plastic. One was even wrapped in a black Hefty Bag-looking-thing and I do not want to know what that was all about. It was really cool (I am not only referring to the temperature). I took a few photos, of course, but I am posting my favorite. They are very good words of advise to "live" by I think. FYI - the smell of formaldehyde stays with you for a long time. You can even taste it just by smelling it. All-in-all I would go there again in a heartbeat - no pun intended.

I just remembered who it is who I have heard/seen saying "sunthing" a lot. It is Academy Award winning actress Marisa Tomei. She's not the only one but she is the one I was thinking of.

Okay...that's enough outta me for today. Remember that Cha Cha and I are still looking for our TOP 10 PODCASTING MOMENTS OF 2011. We have a few great nominations already and don't say "when it's over" because I already thought of that one. So now, it's only four days until New Year's Eve. Have a great day and I will be in Streamwood at the high school if you need me. I will be the one all alone (seems to be becoming a trend even though I shower every day) up in the stands reading or writing or playing Angry Birds or watching Netflix and on Facebook if they have wi-fi. However, if Fabio is playing I will be "eyes-out!!!!!!" TTTT....MITM (Out!)

Oh By Gosh By Golly!!!!

MERRY

CHRISTMAS!!!

From Matt In The Middle

I have a lot to blog about but you have better things to do than read a blog today. I will save it all for tomorrow.

Out on the Blog Arose Such a Clatter!!!!

Tonight is the night that Santa Claus will be here!!!! Millions of children around the world will lie in bed tonight and not be able to sleep because of the excitement of what tomorrow morning will bring. They will see red lights in the sky and know that it is Rudolph. Man, I miss those days. It seemed to stink at the time but, just like many things, we don't really appreciate some things until they're gone.

With Santa flying around the world tonight it made me start thinking about Superman for some reason. Why did Superman wear a cape? It didn't seem like he needed the cape to fly. He never seamed like the kind of guy who was into fashion statements. I know you shouldn't step on his cape but what else was it for if not for stepping on? Why did he wear a belt too? Who wears a belt with shorts and tights unless it is a crime fighter utility belt?

I am really tired but I have to stay awake until the new dryer arrives. The new washer won't be in until the 27th but I told them to bring the dryer today and then bring that when it comes in. The dryer is really the one we need anyway. I am getting tired of washing five loads of laundry here and then loading the wet clothes into baskets and taking them to the laundroMATT; wet clothes and towels are pretty heavy. I sure did see a lot of interesting people at the laundromat though.

I saw on the news that the most famous Bull of all time is still causing stampedes. The new Nike Air Jordans came out yesterday and people trampled over one another to get into stores to get the shoes. It was like another Black Friday. The new Jordans are a retro-version of the original Jordans from back in the day. I wish I had saved a pair or two of those shoes. People were fighting and there were pepper spray incidents again and even gunshots heard at one location. The shoes are $180 a pair. In 1985 the very first Air Jordans sold for $60 but they could soon be found for about $20. We really are a messed-up society. May Old Jordans Be Forgot And Never Brought To Mind!

Elf Alf and Ralph

I guess that's all I seem to be able to think of that I was going to blog about but since I rarely do a Saturday blog I guess it's more that I usually can think of to blog about. I am pretty tired so I am not thinking 100%. If I didn't have to wait for Alf and Ralph to arrive with the new dryer I would have my kerchief or my cap (I guess it's momma in her kerchief right?) on in the MIDDLE of a long winter's tap.

Have a great night with your family and a great Christmas morning. Thank you for being here with me on Christmas Eve. I will be recording the Dirty Laundry Podcast tomorrow just around the time you are carving your roast beast. I will have a very big surprise as a co-host since Cha Cha is out of town; it's a jolly man who will be stopping by at the end of his travels before he heads back to his home way up north. I cannot even believe a man who will travel so much before he gets here will have time to stop in to spend some time with me. TTTM (probably)..MITM (OUT on the lawn arising a clatter - TWSS). Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Joyous Kwanzaa!!! Namaste!

I Will Soon be Visited by Three Ghosts!

It's official - I'm Home Alone.

I want to start by apologizing to anybody that received a spam email from my supposed email address. Somehow my email was hacked (that's the price of podcast and blog fame sometimes) and stupid emails were being sent in the guise of being from me. At the advise of my great pal Maria in Oregon and my wonderful daughter Splenda and the computer wizardry of Cha Cha I believe the problem has been rectified. Thank you for your understanding and please let me know if the problem persists or arises again. Let me know if the problem persists and I may change my hit-list for Santa. I really don't think any of you need Vaigra or should lose any weight contrary to my spams! You all look fantastic and are just as "at attention" as you should be.

Why do things that we order still get "shipped?" I don't think many things that we order these days come by ship. Maybe if you were to buy an elephant or a tiger or something they would still come via ship but I am tired of paying shipping for a small item that is clearly sent by truck. Even if it came by dirigible I could understand "shipping." I know it's all semantics but a semantic slip means a lot to someone who blogs for a living nuisance hobby and wants to pay less for freight.

Speaking of "shipping" have you seen the recent videos of many of the major delivery services "handling" our packages (TWHS)? Shipping and handling are both improper terms. It should be trucking and mishandling based on these videos. That link is just from one of the videos I have seen but this package is a computer monitor handled with care.

I didn't think I was going to be sad to be alone for Christmas but I think I am kinda getting blue and mopey (not in a good way either) and they just left about 1/2 hour ago. Why is being alone this coming Saturday and Sunday feel different than being alone any other Saturday or Sunday? Sunday I will have my good buddy Brian Didier from the North Pole (Wisconsin) here with me so I  won't be alone on Christmas. Saturday the new washer and dryer are supposed to be delivered too so I may have new delivery driver/Lowe's elf friends. I also have to work Saturday and Sunday so I will be with many life-long friends that I have known for all of my life about two months. Why am I brainwashed, as are most of us I suppose, into thinking I/we have to be with someone on Christmas? Seriously - what is it?  Is it all of the holiday movies we have seen over the years? All of the songs? I am pretty sure I am not gonna pull a George Bailey. However, if there was someone drowning in the water below I would be the first one in. There are many people throughout the world who are always alone and they don't complain about it or do we just not listen?

I know on the Dirty Laundry Podcast two week's ago (#39 - Jeff the Elf) we played a song on the show that I said was my favorite Christmas song but I am shuffling my Christmas play-list right now and there is another playing right now that I would say ties that song as my favorite Christmas song. I promise that's it - it will not be a three-way tie! (I do really like that Bing Crosby / David Bowie version of Little Drummer Boy too (okay a three song tie but THAT'S IT!)

Soon all of the college bowl games will be starting. My hometown Northern Illinois University Huskies will be playing in the GoDaddy.Com Bowl. That's a pretty lame-sounding bowl game but there are others just as bad if not worse. I cannot decide which ones to watch: The Beef "O" Brady's Bowl? The Maaco Bowl? The Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl? The Belk Bowl? The Champs Sports Bowl? The Meineke Car Care Bowl? The Chick-Fa-La Bowl? You get the idea. What the hell is Beef "O" Brady and Belk? I am not going to look them up because I don't even care. I am tired of advertisers running the world and hacking into people's email addresses!!!!! I know what roses and peaches and oranges and gators and liberty and sugar and fiesta are and those should be the only bowl games! Plus SUPER, of course!!!

I

Hey, what day is the 2012 end of the world supposed to happen? Is that on January 1st just like the Y2K thing ended the world? I am pretty sure I will still be blogging in 2013 but if I'm dead sue me!

I think today is Friday but I may blog again tomorrow because what else am I going to do all alone in this haunted mansion all alone? I imagine while I am asleep I will be visited by three ghosts. First by The Ghost of Benadryl Past. Then by The Ghost of Alarm Clocks Present shortly followed by The Ghost of Get Your Butt to Work! Have a nice Friday and in case something happens to me before I can blog again - have a great Christmas. I really don't ever feel alone when I know that you keep stopping by here to visit with me and I really do appreciate your presence (get it? presents/presence?). TTTT...MITM (hopefully out of spamming-town). TA!

Free Books For Christmas - Find Out Where!

On This Blog that is!

Christmas is in like three days. Most of the time I have no idea what day it is or what time it is because my work weeks change every week and I work nights for the most part and I sleep some in the morning and some in the afternoon and on weekends (or what ends up being MY weekends - which change every week) I try to go back to the regular-people schedule which messes me up on my non-people days. I am not whining I am just commiserating which is a fancy word for whining I think. I feel better now thank you.

I have lots of things to blog about but I am not sure which ones I want to use for the blog and which ones I want to use for the PODCAST. I don't want to be redundant. I don't want to be redundant. Redundant as in repeating myself not redundant like in the British countries as in "fired" or "sacked" though I would prefer to be neither.

I was trying to find movie show times for Christmas and made the mistake of looking in the newspaper. When did theaters stop showing movie times in the newspapers? I guess it is kind of an unnecessary expense when Fandango knows everything. Who uses Fandango? Anyway, I still don't know what times movies are. I guess I will use the internet like I usually do. excuse me for trying to think outside of the box (TWSS).

One thing I did use that internet-thing for yesterday and I guess I can make it a blog trivia question (this seems to becoming a regular feature of the blog since this is two days in a row) - On the Island of Misfit Toys why was the little girl on the island? The answer will be at the end of the blog (don't scroll ahead - it's not going anywhere).

I was listening to Pandora last night at work on my iPod. In case you are unfamiliar Pandora is a free internet music service whereby you enter an artist's name and they will play music by that artist and other similar artists and you can click the thumb's-up or the thumb's-down for particular artists and it will whittle the likes down to a bunch of songs you like. The reason that it is "free" is because it does have advertisers. I believe you can get it advertiser-free if you pay for it but if I had done that I wouldn't be able to blog about what I am about to blog about. I had the Christmas "station" on which had a lot of great holiday music on it but advertisements for The Holy Bible kept popping up. Oh my goodness I had no idea that book was even out yet. The largest selling book of all time is available? Is this the new version because I think I still have the King James version around here somewhere. Does the Bible really need to be advertised? Anybody who has ever stayed in a hotel in The United States could have received a free sample from The Gideons - whoever they are.

Speaking of Christmas I just thought of a great movie that I discovered last year and want to mention it again this year in case you didn't read the blog last year or you didn't get around to watching it last year and maybe you have more time this season. The movie is called Christmas Story (it doesn't have THE or A in front of it). It is from Finland and it is one of my favorite Christmas movies after discovering it last year. It is on "instant view" on Netflix if you have Netflix but I am sure you can find it other places too. "It's a magical and heartwarming holiday film" that tells about the real history of Santa Claus. It's good for the whole family.

A Dolly For Sue!

I heard that former Chicago Bears' wide receiver Willie Gault is being sued for taking part in a scheme to artificially inflate the stock of a medical-devise company that he manages. What is it with Chicago Bears wide receivers and committing felonies this month? I hope I don't hear anything disparaging about Tom Waddell because I really like him. I liked Gault too though. quite honestly, I never really had Hurd heard of Hurd because he wasn't good enough to make the fantasy football cut.

Okay I have to get some sleep now. The answer to today's trivia questions is - the doll was on The Island of Misfit Toys because, "I haven't any dreams left to dream." That's a lame-ass reason to be put on a prison-like island.

Have a great day. Thanks a lot for coming by and for listening to the podcast so I don't get exiled to The Island or Misfit Podcasts and Blogs! Tomorrow will be Christmas Eve Eve Eve are you ready? TTTT...MITM (still with a few dreams left to dream) TA!

Twas the Fourth Dayeth Beforeth Christmath!

(take you Dramamine because the font changes slightly at the end and it won't let me change it back for some reason) 

It's four days before Christmas and all through the blog something I need is a cup of eggnog. I really like eggnog but I am the only one in this house that does. What is the alcohol of choice for eggnog? Is it brandy or rum? I think I am going to get some eggnog and no MATTer what the alcohol of choice is I am going to make it rum. 

In two days my entire family will be gone and I will be Home Alone. I am happy they will all be together but I am going to feel like Del Griffith for a couple of days - anybody wanna buy some shower curtain rings? It seems that the holidays scream John Hughes don't they? Even though Scream was John Carpenter right? I think I am milking that Home Alone deal into the ground because we talked about it on this week's Dirty Laundry Podcast (load #40) too. All I want for Christmas is for the world to come together in perfect harmony and to listen to the podcast. Coca Cola goes well with rum too (in perfect harmony).

Wanna spend Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Christmas...with Matt In The Middle? Make your holiday reservations now! Hurry seats are limited. There is somebody (yes, a real person) that will be here on Christmas but you have to listen to the podcast to find out who (I'll get you there one way or another).

Hey, do you know what the number one requested Christmas present is? I do and I will give you until the end of the blog to guess.

They sure are "artsy"

Remember a while back I talked about Netflix and their dumb marketing decisions of doubling their prices and that we switched out Netflix to the streaming only rather than getting the discs in the mail too (if not you are pretty much caught up now)? Another blow is soon going to be handed to Netflix and their bad karma move. It sounds pretty definite that the United Sates Postal Service (USPC) is going to lessen their hours/delivery days and close hundreds of smaller post offices. Now, if you're still on the plan that has discs sent to your home, it will take longer to get your films and for them to get them back so it's even less of a good idea to use this option. They raised the prices and now you won't be able to use it as much (seems backwards).

To start the year off the HelHouse Gang and I (even Splenda will be home) are going to see The Blue Man Group. Cha Cha and I saw them quite a few years ago when they were still called The Periwinkle Boy Group. I guess we are sitting in the moist towelette section or the tarp section or some such thing. The last time we went we were in one of the last rows but I guess now we are going to get moist (TWSS). I think the kids will love it - Splenda because she likes artsy stuff and Fabio because he likes nonsense and to get wet. I think we may go to Ed Devevic's too so we can pay to get abused even more on our night in Chicago. Now if we could only get mugged our night would be complete. Do muggers take debit cards?

I keep getting sidetracked. I have been writing today's blog for about two hours now. I am playing on-line poker and reading emails and reading the news... I need to focus on getting this written. You should always be my #1 priority!!! 

While I was reading my emails I noticed that I got an email from South Dakota Governor Dennis and Linda Daugaard and their family wishing me a Merry Christmas. I didn't know I was on the Governor of South Dakota's radar let alone his Christmas card email list. I thought Wild Bill Hickok or Buffalo Bill Cody or Al Swearengen or Seth Bullock or somebody were Governor of South Dakota. And how do they now I celebrate Christmas? I am a little creeped-out (or is it creeped-ooot) by South Dakota this morning (who hasn't said that before?). 

 

I guess I have run out of things to blog about which happens all of the time but today I am going to use that as a reason to stop rather than to keep on blogging on. I hope you have a great day. Today is like my Monday so I will begin my work week today. There's no holiday for the bloggers and since I will be here all by myself I will probably blog right on through the holidaze. Christmas is on a Sunday this year though and I usually don't blog on Sundays but I probably will this year as my Christmas present to you (I don't mind if you re-gift it though). Maybe me being alone on Christmas is one of those deals like in stories where I will get so bored that I will go to church I will change for ever? Don't count on that since sleeping and podcasting without Cha Cha seems more likely on that day. TTTT... MITM (out) Don't worry, I didn't forget. The number one requested Christmas gift is/are GIFT CARDS! There is even a service/website where you can sell your unwanted gift cards for cash (less than face-value, of course) and they are great for re-gifting. TA!

Rumors of twins MITM and Jon Bon Jovi's deaths are greatly exaggerated.

This album would have sold good today if they just had waited!

I awoke very early this morning to hear reports that Jon Bon Jovi was found dead. Before I go any further and you run out and buy all of that Bon Jovi memorabilia let me tell you know that the reports turned out to be false. It turns out that the report copied, very closely, the 2009 Los Angeles Times story from the day Michael Jackson was found dead. What purpose does something like this serve? Trying to manipulate the media? I suppose it's no different than starting a computer virus though it is probably less destructive. (I think I may change my podcast name to Les Destructive) Who would be stupid enough to write or report on something so stupid? Maybe I should falsely report my own death so the podcast and the blog would go viral. Wait, if I report on it myself I suppose that may tip people to the fact that I am still alive right? Start that rumor for me will you? But now if I really die people will think it's a hoax. This hoax / fake death business is very tricky. If it was Bon Jovi's people or iTunes who started this rumor they should have done it during the day so people would have downloaded songs (Wanted: Dead or Alive would have sold very well today) and ran out and bout U-571 (a good movie I might add - Bon Jovi and McConaughey...it must be a chick flick). Now most people won't even hear about it unless some boob blogs about it. Maybe somebody just spelled Kim Jong Il wrong; they both are pretty uncommon names. Jon - Jong? Jong Il - Bon Jovi? Somebody probably just misheard something. I bet somebody was already counting their celebrity death-pool winnings for 2011 (people who have a 49-year-old Bon Jovi on their lists would be my first suspects in the fake death report).

 
It's funny how one faked news story/celebrity death can decide the fate of a moron's Tuesday blog isn't it? I think Christmas marketing is behind this one way or another because after just listening to that song while I added the link I am contemplating downloading that song from iTunes but I am fighting the urge so as not to be one of those lambs.

That reminds me that next week we will have to start enduring all of those stupid lists: "celebrities we lost in 2011," "top 10 news stories of 2011,"... Now that we have the internet in pretty much every home and on most mobile devises do we really need somebody else compiling these lists for us? It is only going to be a coincidence that in the next few weeks Dirty Laundry Podcast is going to have our Top 10 Podcast Moments of 2011 (I just thought of that while complaining about the top ten lists we are going to endure - I am now part of the problem by trying to spoof/lampoon the problems).

On family vacations I have often been one of those dad's that won't stop as quickly as other members of the Donner Party (that reference will make more sense, sort of, in a moment) have to go to the restroom/bathroom/lavatory/toilet... I read a story this morning about a man who makes my trying to make good driving-time seem amateurish. This guys will definitely be inducted into The Making Good Driving Time Hall of Fame. The 71-year-old Canadian man drove 225 miles after his wife died in the car while they were vacationing in Oregon. The man said his 75-year-old wife began "suffering a medical condition" and they began heading home. She died in the car on the way. He made it to Washington before using his Onstar to call for help. Authorities said no foul-play is suspected. The general feeling is that he just didn't know how to handle the situation so just decided to head toward home. My thought is he probably got to 20 miles before the Canadian border and wondered how he was going to explain it at the border; nobody wants an international incident. If I was Canadian and my wife were sick I would head for the land of nationalized medicine too rather than have to deal with thousands and thousand of dollars of bills here in "the land of milking the homeys" (patent/trademark/copyright). Her body was shipped home to Canada.
Have a great day. Sorry about all of the Tuesday talk of death. When the news delivers death I just stir the Kool-aid (not grape though). Thank you, as always, for spending time here. The podcast should be up sometime this afternoon and I will let you know when it's ready. If you become a "follower" on Pod-o-matic or subscribe on iTunes you will be among the first to know though. TTTT...MITM (still thinking about downloading some Bon Jovi - I am such a sucker for these scams). TA!

Horrible Korean 3-D NFL Bosses

Hey it's my Saturday!!!! Sorry that it's your Monday.

One of the world's word dictators is dead. North Korea's Kim Jong Il. He was probably just misunderstood and ronery (warning - there's a naughty word or two in that clip). I feel bad not feeling bad about someone's death but I think the world is a better pace without this maniac. I am just worried what/who might take his place. it sounds like he died of a heart problem and I didn't even know he had one. In honor of his death I am doing laundry and will go Christmas shopping with Fabio when he gets done with school and basketball practice.

After the shopping Cha Cha and I will record the newest load of Dirty Laundry Podcast. Next week's show is still kinda up in the air. Cha Cha is leaving to go down and see Splenda for Christmas on Friday and now it looks like Fabio is going with her. I have been in discussions with the best co-host of all time and we may recreate our old radio show The Low & Tinny Show but I may or may not be going down south for a day or two also (TWSS). I have to make a decision very soon so "Low" knows what's going on. This just a really mixed-up Christmas for us. Either way we will have "Low" on withing the next two weeks.

Are movie remade into 3-D really that big of a deal? I went downstairs and was heading for work one day over the weekend and Cha Cha was working and watching Disney's Beauty and the Beast and one of their commercials was about the exact same movie that she was watching coming to a theater soon in 3-D. The people watching the movie, most likely, like the film but they are watching it right now. Do you usually watch movies and think to yourself, "self, I sure wish this movie was coming to a theater near me soon in 3-D so I could see what a teacup looks like in 3-D?"Go look in your cupboard and save some money. It's a great movie but it's probably just about the same in 2-D.

I'd work for this Horrible Boss for free

I saw the movie Horrible Bosses last night. What a funny movie with a lot of pretty big stars. I plan on talking about it on the podcast this week because I had Cha Cha watch it too. I just have to say that it made me really thankful that I no longer work where I used to work because a couple of people that owned the company I used to work for were pretty much like the Colin Ferrell and Kevin Spacey characters in the film. Man, I don't miss that place and those jackasses (not to be confused with Shrek and donkey in 3-D). I probably would miss it if Jennifer Aniston's character were one of my former bosses. (I'll probably use that photo to promote today's blog because that's the kinda photo that garners readers.

Yesterday was Sunday and, of course, this time of year that means NFL football. I don't know why I never thought of it before but something came to my feeble little peanut mind while watching a little bit of football. Why do NFL teams list who is injured and who won't play each week? Why do they have to tell their opponents who is not going to be on the field? Wouldn't every week be like opening Christmas presents if you didn't know if this was the week that Peyton Manning was gonna be back...? I would say they do it for fantasy football but they have always done that even before there was fantasy football. I seriously do not know why they do that. If they're supposed to be so tough let's see how they would handle one week arriving to their game and trying to battle the other team comes pouring out of a Trojan horse. They're not so tough.

At what age do you think we stop thinking about what ages other people are? I have friends of many different ages but when we were younger we seldom hang around with kids who were older or younger than us. Maybe once your "grown-up" it doesn't much MATTer anymore?

I have to start another load of dirty laundry...the last one is ready to move to the next phase. Have a great day today and know that I appreciate you stopping by here. I know there are plenty of things you could be reading or doing and you chose to be here for a bit and I really am thankful for that. TTTT...MITM (out)

Let me blog 'em, let me blog'em!

The Illinois state flag!

Happy Friday to you! For me it's my Wednesday so I am not nearly as excited as you probably are. I do like humpday though! But this week It's okay because while you are suffering through your Monday it will be my Saturday!

Remember yesterday how I was bragging how I am now a Morton's The Steakhouse executive card holder? Last night on the news I heard where Chicago Bears' wider receiver Sam Hurd was arrested outside of the Rosemont, Illinois Morton's The Steakhouse yesterday. Apparently he has been trying to set up a drug-dealing network in Chicago. I have no idea why they had to mention Morton's The Steakhouse in the story or why it is even relevant to the story but that is where they arrested him. Let it be known that my "home" Morton's The Steakhouse is the Naperville location and it says it right on my card and as far as I know we have no drug-lords kingpins at our location. I hope this doesn't besmirch the fine steakhouse that I am an executive card holder of. Hurd was also a former player of Northern Illinois University located in the town I live in. All of these connections between Hurd and myself (live in Illinois, have lived near NIU, have ties to Morton's The Steakhouse, are males...) are merely circumstantial and I have never, ever, ever seen a thousand pounds of marijuana in my life and definitely have never attempted to sell one hundred pounds a day to the fine people of Chicago. Why does a guy who makes $2,000,000 a year and hang out near a Morton's The Steakhouse need this kind of extra illegal income? We "have-nots" can never figure out what makes the "haves" tick.
Another Illinois "have-not" that was recently a "have," former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich who may have Sam Hurd as a cell-mate soon, is now trying to get his prison sentence reduced by saying he is dependent on a substance. Supposedly he cannot go to sleep at night without having a drink or a dozen. Firstly, big deal and secondively (that's for you Cha Cha) big deal. If I want to get a good night's sleep I have to take a couple of Benadryls. I am glad I documented it here so that if I ever get taken to the joint (not a drug reference) I can get my sentence reduced because of that Benadryl donkey on my back. Soon Blago might have to take a few enemas before bedtime in the "pokey."

Rob Lowe in makeup for Drew Peterson role

As long as I am on a roll of Illinois crooks - have you seen the clip of the upcoming Drew Peterson film? Rob Lowe cannot even get ugly enough with make-up to look like Drew Peterson. I will not watch this movie though I do like Rob Lowe.

I can barely keep my eyes open so I think I will get some shut-eye even though in Illinois we always sleep with one eye open. Thank you for being interested enough to see what I had to ramble about today. The moral of today's blog seems to be that if you're a crook you are always welcome in Illinois - home of the formerly free! TTT maybe T...MITM (out cold, sawing logs, coppin' some z's...). TA!

This is My VIP Blog!!!!

I cannot believe how quickly after becoming a non-vegetarian again I was crowned as a Morton's The Steakhouse VIP. I received my "executive card and private directory" yesterday. Is anybody else hungry for steak right now? I am pretty sure I will call Morton's The Steakhouse at the super secret private telephone number they gave me within the next week or so since I will be jonesin' until I do. The last time I was there I was a peskatarian so I have some ground to make up - and I'm not talking about ground round or ground beef either. Mmmmmm steak! When I go I am going to make sure that one of my favorite people in the whole wide world (besides you unless it IS you I am blogging about) is gonna be there! Thank you to my buddy Randy over at I'm A Frayed Knott for steering me (pun intended) back to the joy of steaks!

A fellow member of the Morton's The Steakhouse VIP club, Scottie Pippin, is suing "several" people for saying that he is broke. I guess if he were broke this would be a great way to make money though if he sued them and was actually broke he would lose the suits. Even if he has ten bucks he wouldn't be broke though right? Scottie says that he has not been worth less than $40,000,000 (40 million dollars) for the past ten years. I am not really sure why it aggravates him so much that he needs to sue but I guess now that i know he's worth so much I won't pick up the next check when I dine with him at Morton's The Steakhouse (did I mention that I am a VIP?).

I liked ATM's when old people were afraid of technology and wouldn't use them. Sit behind an old person at a drive-up ATM and you may as well have packed a lunch. What in the Hell takes so long? Gotta get their card out of their purse/wallet. Gotta put on their glasses. Gotta try to figure out how the darn contraption works. Gotta open their car door for some reason even though their window is already down. Take forever to try to remember which grandchild's birth date they used for their PIN (I don't say "PIN number" because the N = number). Are they the ones using the braille numbers on the ATM drive-ups? Then try to remember how much they need. Then they get their money and have to count it and then decide if they want a receipt. Then they have to put their receipt and card in their wallet/purse and then put their driving gloves back on and then put the car into gear and then still sit there to adjust their mirror which shouldn't have gotten unadjusted.... I think I am going to start carrying more cash and staying away from ATM's now that I am a VIP and Morton's The Steakhouse.

She can't even drive on the correct side of the car!

Hey the war in Iraq is over! That is awesome. I don't know what more can be said - AWESOME!!! I'm sure it Barack Obama's fault!

Looking for a guest co-host on the Dirty Laundry Podcast in two weeks - Regis will be outta town. Listen to the most recent show for details on how to enter and maybe this could be your big break into obscurity!

I am kinda off my game today. I am pretty tired from work last night and I have to bake more cookies. I have already made the peanut butter cookies and the rum balls and now I have to do my famous Mt. Crumpet Coconut Macaroon Volcanoes. They're a pain in the ass but they are pretty cool and delicious and Cha Cha thinks they are the coolest so I will make them for her but I have to do it right now or I will fall asleep. Last night I didn't have much chance to jot down my thoughts so this isn't a very spectacular VIP blog. Tonight I should be able to get together some better material for tomorrow's blog - in the meantime listen to the Dirty Laundry Podcast. I have listened to it five times already because I think Jeff the elf is my new idol and Cha Cha's song/singing is worth the price of admission (free).

Have a great Thursday and thanks for stopping by. I will blog you again tomorrow with a little more enthusiasm. TTTT...MITM (swaggering out like a VIP at the ATM) TA!

On the second day of Christmas MITM gave to me a blog and a poooodcast

Can you just imagine the clean up of The Twelve Days?

Rainy days and Wednesdays always get me happy it's not cold today because then all of this rain would be a blizzard. That only holds true in winter because I really don't think about the possibility of snow most of the rest of the year. If that happened I think I would have to worry about much more.

It is 13 days until Christmas. Does that mean this is the second day of Christmas? I was never really sure exactly what The Twelve Days of Christmas were. I know with the internet I could probably find out exactly what they are with a couple clicks of the creature that's not supposed to be stirring but that takes the miracle and surprise away from me. I know the United States Postal Service is having problems but I haven't received my partridge in a pear tree yet so if I receive two turtle doves today I am going to be totally lost. The price for all twelve days of Christmas items now will cost your over $100,000 according to my research (Google) even though I still didn't take the time to find out exactly what the twelve days of Christmas are - that's the joy and surprise of Christmas.

The Dirty Laundry Podcast is up for your listening indifference. Cha Cha and I Skyped last night with an elf from The North Pole. I learned a lot of things I didn't know. We played some great holiday music including my favorite Christmas song of all time and an original song by our guest from last week Kasey Campbell. It looks like I am needing a guest co-host for the show in two weeks because Cha Cha will be out of town (I always felt she was an undercover elf) and "the show must go on!" No experience is necessary but if you're interested let me know and I will throw your name into the Dirty Laundry dryer, turn it on and when it stops we'll reach in and grab one of the incredibly hot pieces of paper and when it cools down this might just be your big medium unfortunate unlucky break into PODemonium (copyright/patent/trademark). No experience is necessary and you really don't even need to talk if you don't want to but it would probably be more entertaining if you did. I have some ideas of who could do it and I may make some phone calls (that's code for The Facebook) as the day draws near if nobody steps forward. Void where prohibited by law and whatever the other things that they always say to cover their butts are. Remember this is how Jay Leno got The Tonight Show (which I will never and have never watch(ed) as long as Jay Leno is/has been host - no MATTer who the guest is). Well, maybe if you were on there I would watch it but THAT'S IT!

I love Duct Tape

Who wants to watch a reality show about a champion snowmobile racer? The answer is - NOBODY! Sarah Palin is trying to get her supposed "championship snowmobile racer" husband a reality show but nobody is willing to pick it up. The Palins have finally jumped the shark. Way to stop hitting the snooze alarm and putting your feet on the floor main-stream media.

Why do you suppose Donald Trump decided to drop his idea of hosting the GOP debate? Because nobody was interested? Because he was reminded of the laughing stock he really is? Because he is going to announce his own candidacy, again, for the position of POTUS (that's how us cool kids who watched The West Wing say President of the United States)? Was it always just a publicity stunt for free press because he has another The Apprentice show coming this winter (I don't know if he does but I bet he does)? The reason he gave was that it would be a possible conflict of interest if he should decide to run for POTUS.

I gotta get scootin' - so little to do and so much time (strike that - reverse it). Have a great day and thanks a lot for stopping by here and for listening to The Podcast! I can always count on you. There will be a quiz later as to what my favorite Christmas song is so step lively! TTTT...MITM (out to make this murld a merrier pace - ip i tan). TA!

Deck the Blogs with Bars of Horry!

A musical says what?

Tuesday confuseday! That's right...I am confused yet again. Surprised?  Remember that I told you a couple of weeks ago that they are making the Rocky musical for Broadway? Now Mike Myers is in talks to make Austin Powers into a Broadway musical. Oh behave! What is this trend all about? Unlike Rocky, however, there was quite a bit of music in the Austin Powers movies. I can only remember one song from Rocky - "da da datta da datta da datta da... gonna fly now, flyin' high now...."

Am I the only one who hates the way the internet does some news stories now? (the fake links in the next couple of sentences are not really links but rather just demonstrating the way the stories are written to frustrate us - at least me) They will start off a story (how) and then they will talk about someone else (find out who) who might write stories this way. And if you are crazy enough to keep reading their story (learn about what) with all of their links (where) you will see that it appears to be a new ploy by a newer search engine (which one) to try to redirect us to a not-so-major search engine (for what reason). In summation  - it seems to me like an attempt by Bing (which I find extremely inferior to Google) to try to steer us toward their advertisers and their site because when I clicked these types of links for research for this thought they all went to a Bing story/site. I guess the old fashioned way of just writing a story with all of the facts in it was too time-consuming and took away form their "hit" count so they could tell their advertisers that they get X-amount of hits per day and sell more ads... so they could dumb down the world even more. I am making some broad assumptions (find out what they are) but I know I am right (see why).

Remember last week I was thinking about going to Hollywood Palms theater to see the five actors who played the five kids in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? (incidentally, they were on WGN News after I wrote about them as I predicted) Now they are having one of the actors from It's a Wonderful Life (see who- just kidding). It probably isn't that tough of a guess who it is since the movie was released in 1946. Is it Lionel Barrymore? dead. Donna Reed? dead. James Stewart? dead. Carl "Alfalfa" Switzer? dead. It's Karolyn Grimes of course (that's a real link to her IMDB page). Even though I wouldn't go to see her I would say that she did have one of the most famous lines from the movie if not one of the most remembered lines in all of motion picture history (at least in the top 1000). In case you didn't figure out who she is yet she played "Zu Zu" Bailey. The line wasn't "not a smidge of temperature" either. It was THIS (actually a link - LOL). Great film but I am sure she doesn't remember anything about filming it - do you remember anything from when you were six-years-old? Really? Not just what people told you but things that you actually remember? You're welcome again WGN News - I bet she's on there later this week.

The actual A Christmas Story house - Cleveland

I seem a bit cynical today - maybe it's because I am planning to make Christmas cookies today? "Look daddy, every time an Agitator/Matt In The Middle makes cookies a moron gets cynical."

Christmas this year is really tough in the Helser-household. Splenda cannot come home because of work and we cannot all go to see her because Fabio has basketball and I have to work just about every day including: Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years... I guess we have "jumped the shark" as far as holidays. I don't know why we feel the pressure to have to be together on these specific days and we will just do the holiday things on different days but it's just weird. So, depending on what happens, Cha Cha may go down and see Splenda and Fabio may or may not go with her depending on whether he has to go to a two-day tournament because they can only take an X-number of players but my guess is he will be chosen since he is playing very well right now (he beat me in the driveway last night before his game 30-20). So I may be alone eating Chinese at Chop Suey Palace Co. (tomorrow, if I remember, I will put a photo on the blog of where Ralphie actually shot his eye out)

Have a great day. Thank you for stopping by today and I will still let you know when the podcast is up (TWSS). Enjoy the weather for the next couple of days in the MIDDLEwest because after this week I feel the worm will turn. TTTT...MITM (fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra'ing out )!

How about a Monday morning Big O?

It just doesn't look right

Even though most of you are asleep while I am writing this it is Monday. You are probably in the best part of Monday that there is; the part where it's a little chilly but you're under your nice warm covers and you are dreaming about how cool it would be to be Matt In The Middle and you don't even have to get up for like three or four hours. Okay, maybe the dreaming you are Matt In The Middle might be a nightmare but they say that dreams only last a couple of seconds even though they seem longer so now you have moved on to a really nice dream instead.

I have been in mourning for about four days now. It didn't turn out as bad as it could have but Albert Pujols is no longer a St. Louis Cardinal. Maybe the Cardinals knew this was going to happen when they acquired Lance Berkman? I would have been much more upset if he has become a Brewer or a Cub because then he would be in the same division...this way he is in a totally different league (which he always has been anyway). It's kinda funny that he is now a California Los Angeles Anaheim Los Angeles Angel.  Quite honestly I wasn't sure which one they were until I Googled it and found that is L.A. Angels; they have changed their name more times than Zsa Zsa Gabor and Liz Taylor combines. Pujols got a 10-year contract which is good since he is getting older and he went to the American League where he can be a designated hitter if his age starts getting to him a bit down the line. He's a very religious guy so it sorta makes sense that he's an Angel. I wish him well and am proud that so far, from what I hear, the St. Louis fans aren't acting like Cleveland's when LeBron James left town. I think that was partly LeBron's fault too and I don't see Albert behaving the way LeBron did.

This may be an easy one but here is a winter trivia question now that it's that time of year. Statistically, does more snow fall during the day or at night? (not a trick question and not a joke question...the answer will be at the end of today's blog)

Normally I would tell you that the new Dirty Laundry Podcast will be up later today but we haven't even recorded it yet. We have a scheduled SKYPE interview with one of Santa's elves for tonight. He couldn't do it last night because even this time of year Santa gives them Sunday's off...what a great jolly old boss he must be. He is in the P.R. / Elf Relations Department. I am really looking forward to talking with him. If you have any questions we could ask him...let me know sometime today either here or at www.dirtylaundrypodcast.com, or on our Dirty Laundry Podcast The Facebook page or at www.dirtylaundrybag@gmail.com. From speaking with him shortly (no pun intended) he sounds like he's open for any questions.

My kinda Standing O

Cha Cha and I went to my work holiday open house / awards ceremony last week and you know me and having to entertain my mind all the time. When people were receiving awards every now and then there'd be a standing ovation. I am all for this but it is very curious to me. If one person stands up while clapping everybody else HAS TO stand up and clap because if you don't you look like a total jerk. I think the next time I go to an awards ceremony I am either gonna get a fake leg cast or a wheel chair because I don't need all the extra excercise though it does make for good blogging. Not only that but not everyone got a Standing O which actually may be my problem with it. If your not going to give everyone a Big O you shouldn't give anybody a big O. I say big O's for everyone now that I think of it! Imagine how you'd feel if everyone else was satisfied by receiving the Big O and you were left unfulfilled without that happy of an ending while receiving your award.

I should have mentioned this when I was talking about Pujols since it is sorta baseball-related. They are making a movie about Jackie Robinson. I know there was the original The Jackie Robinson Story in 1950 but this one is gonna have Harrison Ford in it. I am guessing the first one was historically accurate since the person who played Jackie Robinson was Jackie Robinson but it still didn't have Harrison Ford in it! I think Harrison Ford is probably a jackass but his movies are usually pretty good. He will probably be a good Branch Rickey though I don't think Rickey was a jackass.

Okay that does it for me for today. Remember to get your questions in for Jeff the elf if there's something you always wanted to know about life as an indentured servant...that will be my first question (how's the pay?). The answer to the trivia question is - there is statistically more snow at night then during the day since in the winter there are more hours of night than day. So this winter when you wake up every morning and have to clear the driveway remember that you have daylight savings time to blame this on - CURSE YOU BEN FRANKLIN!!!!!! Have a great Monday and if you're bored - really, really bored Fabio's team plays Kaneland tonight here in town and I will be there signing autograph (not plural). Thank you for stopping in and keeping me company....TTTT...MITM (I get to talk to an elf tonight :) TA!