EXCLUSIVE ROYAL WEDDING FOOTAGE HERE TODAY!

I have been up since 2:00 AM so I thought since I have been up working on the podcast prep for four hours I should probably take a break and do a blog for you. I am kind of waiting for my friend Ed Crawford to do his daily Facebook weather report so I can plan my day. Ed has been right at least 90% of the time with his forecasts...I always trust Ed on the weather and Butterscotch Sprinkles (Jay) on live show attendances. Fabio has a baseball game at 2:00 and then it's time for Cha Cha and I to celebrate our anniversary. I was thinking about going to Sycamore for their Cinco de Mayo celebration but I just found out that it isn't being held until Cinco de Uno (tomorrow). I doubt that it's like that wedding-deal where you have to sleep out the day before. I will say, that if it isn't raining tonight, we will probably have a fire on Mattgarita Island. If it isn't raining come on over and celebrate the anniversary of one of Cha Cha's top ten weak moments of her life (BYOB but I always have something if you're not picky). The fire will begin just after dusk weather permitting.

Let's give the old boy a plug? What, what?

Speaking of that big wedding, could you believe that former British Prime Minister Tony Blair wasn't invited? If I remember correctly, in the movie The Queen, QE II and Tony Blair were getting on famously at the end of the film. I assumed that entire movie, like all movies, was 100% historically accurate. Has something happened since then? Kanye West was invited but Tony Blair was not? Kanye didn't go so there was room for Mr. Blair. I am flabbergasted, indubitably! Posh Spice, Elton John, Mr. Bean, Guy Ritchie, Joss Stone but no Tony Blair? Unspeakably dreadful, I say! I was able to obtain this MITM exclusive footage of Tony Blair trying to get into the wedding uninvited.


Hey, I just thought of something I could have been doing since 2:00 AM...sleeping. No, just kidding. I think there were two new episodes of Call Me Fitz on Thursday that my trusty DVR should have recorded. Man, I love that show (after only two episodes). Fitz (Jason Priestly) used one of my favorite derogatory terms for women of all time that I hadn't heard in years and I am going to work to bring back. It may not be derogatory because I think it's kind of a compliment. I love all women and I am 47% estrogen so it isn't sexist when I use it right? Should I tell you what it is or just use it on you when I see you broads?  Nope, it's not "broads." It's much better. Maybe I will say it on this week's Dirty Laundry podcast so it can get bleeped out like Cha Cha's nastiest of all nastys last week. I think I am going to write it on the board and call Cha Cha the name tomorrow at the beginning of the show unbeknownst to her. I cannot wait....buuuuuhaaaaaa (that's an evil maniacal laugh, by the way). She shocked me last week well it's shock-back time Cha Cha!!!!

I'm Not Sponge-Worthy!

Yesterday I mentioned that the new film Friends With Benefits was just a Seinfeld episode and I was going to work on a couple of scripts the same way. MADYM (one of my many muses) posted on my Facebook page that I should also work on a screenplay called Sponge Worthy. I have put all of my previous movies based on Seinfeld episodes on hold and am focusing exclusively on Sponge Worthy. I hope Tom Kenny is available for the lead role of Bob when I get the script done. His sidekick in the film should be played by Bill Fagerbakke, of course. His name will be Pat but I will call him "The Sponge Blocker" in the film. I may have to start printing up "sponge worthy" t-shirts and giving them to my blog and pod--faithful ladies out there in sponge land. (oh yeah) (guess what song just got added to Roz's extensive catalog? - I like extensive catalogs and I cannot lie)

Alright, I am going to go downstairs and see if there are a couple of episodes for me to watch before everybody gets up and the craziness begins. Have a great day and hope for no rain and maybe a little warmth so you can come over and we can tell blogstories tonight. TTTT (the last T could stand for tonight or today if I see you before tomorrow)...MITM (out but not forgotten)

For Not Being Very Political I Sure Do Sound Political

What a glorious day. William and Kate are married, it's Arbor Day, I donated plasma for the fourth time in two weeks without by BP being too high or my protein being too low or my Midi-chlorian being too high or my iron being close to too high and the sun has finally made an appearance in the MIDDLEwest.

I Can Blog This Way!

I am glad that Prince William and Princess Katherine are finally married. The hype was crazy. Cha Cha said it best this morning when she said that it's finally nice to see some happy news for a change. Maybe that's the best thing to come of this hooplah. That and all of the women trying to out-gaga Lady Gaga with all of the weird hats that who knows how they get them to stay on. It was like The Kentucky Derby. We have had so much bad weather with the tornadoes ravaging the south and the east and we have already heard enough political rhetoric to last us all the way until the 2012 Presidential election but it has only begun. It's nice to hear something good happening to seemingly good people. I hope they can have as good of a marriage as Cha Cha and I have had for 23 years tomorrow (28 years together total) - WOW AM I OLD!

While I was out today I noticed something that I have noticed a lot lately. I saw the dudes at the local oil change place standing out front of their oil changery holding signs up and yelling trying to get people in to get their oil changed. It appears that the bad economy is either forcing people to change their own oil or just not to change their oil at all. It is a fairly new phenomenon for these oil jockeys to become circus sideshow acts and carnival barkers. Change your oil...a new car is more expensive than five quarts of oil and a filter - I will help you if you need help changing it.

There is a new movie out starring Justin Timerlake and Mila Kunis called Friends With Benefits. Isn't that a film based on a Seinfeld episode? I am in the process of writing my screenplays Big Salad and Serenity Now! I have not seen Friends With Benefits and I am sure I won't even though I like both Justin and Mila a great deal. I already know the ending...FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WON'T WORK! It works with animals because they don't have human emotions. Animals are so much luckier than us in so many way. And we think we are more advanced...poppycock!

And a small state shall lead them...again!

I heard that Shell and Exxon Mobil Corporation Oil both had huge first quarter profits. Imagine that.

The Governor of the state of Vermont is trying to bring public health care to his state and the State Senate has given preliminary approval for what they call a "universal and unified health system." The person who started the push for this legislation is a woman known only as Aunt Serena. She wrote a letter to a local Vermont newspaper about trying to make ends meet and paying her bills with rising health-care costs. The paper was found in a paper printed in 1929. I wish I had written a letter 50 years before I was born so we could get a fair shake in my state. Kids, write a letter now and maybe you can have sensible health care by the time you retire. Vermont is one of the smallest states in the country and they can figure out that their best resource is healthy people. Why can't the rest of us? Way to go Vermont...this distinguished gentleman from Illinois salutes you (okay I took blogging-liberty on the "distinguished" and "gentleman" parts but I do salute you).

The city of Evanston Illinois is trying to do their part to help the environment. They are trying to pass a city ordinance that bans paper and plastic bags offered by stores. You would need to bring in your own bags or carry the items without bags. I see this as a great move toward solving a major ecological problem. Personally, we have at least 20 different bags that we have purchased over the years for the purpose of bagging our own groceries. I am ashamed to blog that most of the time we forget our bags. A lot of times I will do the self check-out and just carry the items without a bag when I don't buy much. Cha Cha and I will walk to the store once in awhile and I will put the groceries in my backpack without a bag for the walk home. If there were no bags at the stores I bet I would start remembering our bags all the time. Even though we live far from Evanston I am going to make a conscious effort to use all of those bags we paid for and do my part to help the planet breath a little easier. Maybe, if stores didn't have bags, their prices would eventually come down on groceries. Just like gas prices did when Shell and Exxon made big profits...HAH!

Enough gas from the Blogger Valdez. Have a nice weekend and be sure to wish Cha Cha condolences for putting up with me for so long. Thanks for stopping by and if you're looking for some company while you walk or type or mow the lawn go to iTunes and download the Dirty Laundry Podcast or click that Dirty Laundry Podcast link up there in the top right margin and listen from your computer. I cannot control myself; I have an overactive need for love (TWSS). TTT?...MITM (out)

Tornadoes and Tickets and Trump Oh My!

It's almost Friday and I'm almost in love! Thursday, I do care about you - not really because you've always been one of my favorite nights for television. Now I am in a The Cure mood and am listening to their greatest hits thanks to Roz.

That's a lot more than a twister

There are only two things going on in the world it seems. Tornadoes are once again trying to wipe out the MIDDLEsouth and the MIDDLEeast of The United States and there is some sort of huge Hollywood royal wedding or something going on this coming weekend.

I look at the footage and photos of the devastation from yesterday's storms in the south on television and I am happy that I am in the MIDDLEwest. Not that we don't have storms here because we do have some doozies but most of us have basements which give us at least a greater chance of survival cowering in our gopher holes under ground. This past weekend Cha Cha and I drove up to Wisconsin to deliver some goods to be delivered by the USO to families of military personnel who were hit by the last round of tornadoes to hit North Carolina. Operation Oz might have to get the "troops" in gear again. I feel terrible when I see the destruction and am heartbroken at what these people have to face today. Cherish what you have every day because you never now when it can be snatched away.

I heard this morning that there is a chance that movies may soon be priced by supply and demand similar to the way concerts are priced. There is a movement to price the more popular movies higher than the stinkers. I have mixed feeling about this, of course. I have so many questions and concerns. Firstly, it's kind of a way to tell us which movies are going to be good without them really knowing that for certain. Will the stinkers start making more money because their attendance will be higher because the economy stinks and the cheaper movies may fit better into our budgets? Will the stinkers who all of a sudden are getting a lot of attendance see their prices rise? Will this effect the prices of movie rentals and pay-per-view... when films come out on Netflix and DVD? I like it because there is the chance that this may force studios to make good movies instead of all of the junk if they want to see greater profits.

Good thing I like bad movies

With the world in economic turmoil it's nice to see all of the opulence and excess that is going on in England. The Royal Family has always been a curiosity to me. They really have no say in the way the government is run; they are just famous for being spoiled and knowing that their lineage goes back to when their family ran the country hundreds of years ago. Pomp and circumstance. The big wedding is going on tomorrow at 3:00AM MIDDLEwest time. I don't begrudge Willie and Kate plus 8 (8,000,000,000 that is) any of the "fun." I bet they would just as soon have a nice quiet wedding. Maybe it's easier when you have hundreds of people doing all of the work for you though. I remember how special Cha Cha and my wedding was 23 years ago Saturday. They talk on the news how Kate wants to make sure William doesn't see the dress before the wedding so he will be surprised when he sees her. I remember the first time I saw Cha Cha at the back of the church in her wedding gown; it was one of the most beautiful visions I can remember seeing. I hope they have a nice and happy wedding because they both seem nice and happy and everyone should be nice and happy. Nice and happy!

I know I said that I wouldn't talk about Dirty Laundry as much except for days that we launch a new episode to iTunes which was yesterday (yes, it is available now). I am breaking that self-imposed ban for today because I have received the same question from three separate people on how to access the show if they do not have iTunes. So, here is a link that you can go to and download and/or listen to the show without starting an iTunes account. Dirty Laundry at Podomatic. Either just click that link there or the web address is http://dirtylaundry1.podomatic.com/. It is free to have an iTunes account though and you do not need to have an iPod or the like to listen to shows. You can just listen to them right on your computer rather than downloading the free podcasts if you want to.

My money is on Rosie. Gary Busey's is on Trump

My daily Trump news, sort of, concerns Rosie O'Donnell. As I think I reported here Rosie O'Donnell is taking over Harpo Studios after Oprah gets outta Dodge. That's good for the city of Chicago which seems to be losing quite a bit of revenue producing entities lately. Oprah's new network OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) booked Rosie a room at  Trump Chicago until she got her own digs. Rosie has since declined the offer to stay at Trump Chicago because of several negative comments reportedly aimed at gay and lesbian people made by Donald Trump. I don't care for Donald Trump because he is an arrogant, pompous jerk in my opinion. There was a time when I felt the same way about Rosie O'Donnell when she was on top and puffing out her chest. I have seen her on some other things since and I have changed my opinion of her. I hope she stays grounded like I think she is now and I will probably give her new show a chance. Rosie you can stay here though it is about an hour's drive to the studio. I will even be your driver if you agree to be on the podcast now and then.

I have so many more notes this time but I think I am already too long (bragger). I hope you have nice weather where you are. We have a break from the rain until this afternoon I think. Thanks for being here again today...blog you again tomorrow. TTTT...MITM (ewwwwwwt)

Call Me Pippa From Bucklebury!

The sun is finally out in the MIDDLEwest. It has chosen to shine in liquid form today for easier digestion. It is a great disguise because it looks an awful lot like the rain we have been having for weeks. It can't fool me though.

You can tell he's boasting...his mouth's open!

I am not very much of a political person but I definitely am liberal on most issues though. You know me, I am pretty much MIDDLE on just about everything. I live in the Vanilla MIDDLEwest what do you expect? I really, really, really hope Donald Trump runs for President though I am sure he will not because he doesn't want us to see his financials. While I was donating plasma today, without a hitch, I was listening to press conferences by both Donald Trump and President Obama. All Trump kept talking about was how successful he is and how successful his show is and then he would mention what night and time his show is on. His big issue, as has been his campaign platform thus far, has been President Obama's birth certificate. So, the White House produced the Record of Live Birth from the hospital in Hawaii, and during the President's press conference he said that it's hard for the country because we "can't focus on problems if (we) are distracted by side shows and carnival barkers." He went on to say that we "don't have time for this silliness, we have better things to do." He's been President for four years. Shouldn't that have been proof enough that he was a U.S. citizen? You have to be an American citizen to be President of the United States. Seems like The Supreme Court or someone wouldn't have let him run the country is he wasn't a citizen. The reason I want Trump to run is so we can have Presidential debates between self-pumper (TWSS) Trump and President Obama. I also saw a clip of Gary Busey campaigning for Trump today...I smell Vice Presidential carnival barker candidate LOL!

The jury selection for former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's trial is underway. The reason I mention it, as it seems like old news considering the controversy has been going on for years, is that one of the potential jurors may be excused from serving on the jury for a very unique reason. If she does not get excused for this reason the judge is considering not having court for the one day this lady has a problem with. Is it a religious reason? NO. Is it an illness with her or a family member? NO. She has tickets to one of the final Oprah shows. Are you kidding me? I will lose all faith, what little I have left, in out justice system if this is a reason to halt a day of court. Maybe I hold government and civic responsibility in too high regard. We have become a country run by entertainment and sensationalism. I know I personally have but that's why I don't work in government. Maybe I am more qualified for public office that I knew.

Mike R. Phone knows we can work Blue

The new episode of the Dirty Laundry podcast is ready on iTunes. Cha Cha let a rather colorful word fly in this episode. MADYM posted on my Facebook page that maybe we should change the name of the podcast to Dirty Language. That cracks me up. In the words of Homer Simpson, "it's funny because it's true." We have a new microphone this week too so I think she was just waiting to drop the "C-bomb" (the #2 C-Bomb I guess) for when everybody could hear it clearly. Don't worry about having the youngsters and those of you with sensitive ears hearing the podcast this week though. Our crack editing staff was all over it (TWSS) to keep this episode from getting an EXPLICIT label. If you haven't heard the show yet this is our fifth installment. Go to iTunes and go to "audio podcasts" and search either "Dirty Laundry Podcast" or "Matt Helser." People all over the world seem to like it - really...ALL OVER THE WORLD!

I want to change my name to Pippa and live in Bucklebury, Endland.

I guess that's enough of my gas for today. You should be happy with all of the free gas I give you every day; have you seen the price of gas? I kill me! I'll be here all week...tell you friends. Don't forget to tip you bartenders and waitresses and waiters (25%+). Seriously, thanks a lot for dropping in and for listening to Dirty Language Laundry. My hope is to top the 500 download mark this week with our fifth show. I think an average of 100 downloads per episode while we are still new is pretty good and so far we have managed to do that thanks to you listening and passing it along. I heard sun on Saturday in the MIDDLEwest...that's Cha Cha and my anniversary so sun would make sense. TTTT...MITM (downloading the new load). TA!

Blogs they are A-Changin'!

The MIDDLEwest is a-changin''

When did local news shows start consisting of reading Facebook postings and showing YouTube videos? I was flipping the channels this morning watching the various Chicago morning news shows and kept seeing bears looking in windows and babies doing something that all babies do and then hearing what Jabby Blabberschmitz had to say on his Facebook page. Is this because these things are interesting or that Twitter and YouTube and Facebook are going to replace local news like: the internet did to the newspapers, like iTunes did to CD's and the way magazines and books are dying because of the Kindle and the like? Times they are a-changin'....always! Except the weather in the MIDDLEwest - that is consistently raining. I believe the Japanese tsunami may have shifted the MIDDLEwest to the new Rain Forest (sans the tropical part).

Cha Cha and my 23rd wedding anniversary is Saturday. To celebrate we are going to watch Fabio play baseball in Sycamore. We will probably go out to dinner or something too but she sees me every day and I am pretty sure she is kinda sick of me; I'm sick of me. Fabio's first game was last night. He was the lead-off batter and played shortstop the whole game. He was the first player of his team to reach base this year, the first player to steal bases (three at his first at bat) and the first person on his team to score. Unfortunately, his team was probably the first in the league to lose a game this season too. There are about 30 more games to get that first win. Don't you love when people blog about their kids? Too bad you aren't here or I would break out the videos and the photos.

Yesterday I went over an had lunch with Cha Cha at work. She can pretty much work from home if she wants to but she chooses to go pretty much all the time. With the continuing rising cost of fuel she asked her boss, Tricia, if she could work from home a couple of days a week. So, her intention is to work home Mondays and Tuesdays. so, yesterday I went into her office at the Starbuck's less than a mile away. That place is crazy. This particular Starbuck's is near the Northern Illinois University campus so there are lots of students there with their computers... Cha Cha said the place was packed the entire time. Fortunately for her she is hard of hearing and is very focused. I would be so distracted because I am hexed by having very good hearing and I am very nosy so I would get nothing done there. I found it funny how there were people there that brought their own lunches. They weren't lunches from other restaurants but brown paper bags with chips and sandwiches... Why would they let them do this? I guess that's why they have to charge $40 for a cup of coffee. This also covers the cost of all of the laptops plugged into their outlets throughout the store. Today Cha Cha thinks she may try Panera instead. Maybe I will go over and have lunch with her again but I will probably have a pizza delivered to Panera.

Cha Cha's mobile office and Dirty Laundry Studio

 I finished editing the Dirty Laundry podcast and there was a BIG edit required toward the end of the show because of Cha Cha's sailor language. I am currently converting the show to the proper forMATT to be sent to iTunes so I am thinking your Dirty Laundry should be ready to listen to on iTunes today. Maybe one day we'll get this down so well that we can do it live (TWSS). I'll let you know via Facebook when it's up though if you are a follower on iTunes you will probably know before I can tell you.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to stop by to see what I have to say; it means a lot to me. Maybe if we all start thinking warm thoughts the weather will get the hint and join along with us - let's give it a try. TTTT...MITM (out of patience for cold rain) TA!

Goo Goo Gaa Gaa Blog Blog!

Captain Obvious here to remind you that today is Monday! I sure am glad that Mother Nature cares so much about her employees. She gave the rain the weekend off in the MIDDLEwest. Even with the poor economy lately the rain has been getting a lot of overtime over the last several weeks. It sounds like it's not gonna be a three-day weekend for the precipitation as it is supposed to rain again today and maybe for the next five days again. Can't the rain at least put in four 10-12 hour days so we can get a three-day break next weekend?

You knew Kanye would make the blog sooner or later

Elton John and his partner (there should be a better title than "partner" I think) David Furnish officially announced the Godmother of their baby Zac. They have bestowed this great honor on the one and only Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (S-JAG I call her). S-JAG is better known as Lady GaGa. Unreliable sources have confirmed to MITM that the Godfather will be chosen in the next few days and it will be announced that the Godfather will be....no, not me....it will be John Joseph Theodore Rzeznik. What's with the four names for everyone? I feel ripped off....I am gonna add a fourth name to myself. Johnny Rzeznick and Lady GaGa! That way when Zac's first "words" are Goo Goo GaGa the baby will be called the genius that we all know that a child of Elton John's will surely be, and don't call Zac Surely! Baby talk, baby talk it's a wonder you can compose concerti at age two.

So, the Apple iPhones have tracking devises in them huh? Apparently when you disable the tracking feature it still tracks your position anyway according to The Wall Street Journal. Disable Smischable. Is anybody really surprised by this? We all know we are constantly being tracked by our iPass, our cell phone, our credit cards, our laptops, UPC codes, the diamonds in the souls of our shoes, our vehicles... It's been going on since 1984...duh!

I am going to officially announce my favorite food on the Dirty laundry podcast in two weeks. Not this coming show but episode 6. I have it narrowed down to five finalists and I will be performing the final judging this week and will record the episode Sunday when we do our next recording. Everything needs to be ranked in our lives (Facebook is my inspiration) and I am beginning my own life's rankings starting with food.  This may become my life's work...the one great thing that I will be remembered for. (besides ending sentences with prepositions which I DO LOVE - as you know)

I'm pretty sure I'm Tri-Poehler!

I am reading over my blognotes and my world has become very jumbled. A lot of the things I have written in the book Cha Cha and I have discussed on the podcast over the last few weeks and some yesterday when we recorded the latest episode. I always thought that I would be a good spy or undercover agent of some sort but my worlds are colliding and I am starting to have a hard time differentiating between pod and blog and reality. Is there a support group for something like this? Am I Tri-Polar (patent/trademark/copyright)?  Am I Amy Poehler? Discovering it is the first step for everything right? Okay...I can beat this thing. No you can't. Yes we can. Who is "we"?

Last night on Celebrity Apprentice Donald Trump asked the remaining contestants whether they would vote for him if he runs for President. Can you guess what they all said? If they wanted to stay on the show they had to say yes, of course, and they all stayed. I told Cha Cha that he made a smart move there; he is not a dumb man. By mentioning it on the show he is gonna get many idiots to blog about it and even non-idiots to talk about it on their entertainment fake-news shows and regular news shows. I still don't think he is gonna run for President but it is pretty smart to put it out there and gauge the reaction of the people before making his decision.

Hey, the rain is starting. Opening night for Fabio's summer baseball season is tonight. I smell a PPD RAIN (postponed rain) coming. I love the smell of ppd rain. Have a great MOONday. I will blog atcha again tomorrow. TTTT...MITM (thanks for stoppin' by)

LIVE FROM STARBUCK'S IT'S SATURDAY BLOG!!!!!

Happy Hammock Day. I just decided to call today Hammock Day because it's hammock between Good Friday and Easter. It doesn't seen fair that Friday and Sunday get so much credit this week and we leave poor Saturday, who is used to all of the attention, out.

Bus on top of a terminal at St. Louis' Lambert Airport


I don't know how the weather was in your part of the Earth yesterday but Earth wanted to show the MIDDLEwest that it isn't too happy lately. The rain continued in my part of Illinois and we drove up to Southern Wisconsin and it rained all the way up and back. St. Louis, Missouri's Lambert Airport experienced a tornado. I am a St. Louis Cardinals' fan and was very excited to turn on MLB Network last night and see the Cardinals' game on. I thought it weird that it was only in the third inning at 11:00 PM but I was happy. I felt bad later about being happy when I learned of the tornado and figured the game was probably delayed due to very very bad weather. The tornado actually tore through one of the terminals. I have received your message Earth and I hope others hear you too.

Fabio has baseball practice this morning at 8:00AM. With all of Mother's (Earth) weeping lately his team has only been able to get two real practices in this year so far and his first game is Monday night. I am guessing the first half of the season is gonna be a little rocky. When I take him to practice I think Cha Cha and I may go over to Starbucks and I will finish the blog there. I don't drink coffee but they have pretty good oatmeal there. Alright, I have to get Fabio up and rolling and the next paragraph will most likely be written from Starbucks in beautiful Dekalb, Illinois. It's almost two hours later and we are at Starbucks. I am having Chai Tea (with a lot of Splenda and honey). A real man would have a cup of Joe but I prefer Mr. Tea!

Really good fish!!!

Yesterday when we went to deliver the goods to the truck in Wisconsin for the families hurt by the recent tornadoes in North Carolina we ate lunch at Texas Roadhouse in Janesville. I don't eat meat and one of their big things is that they cut their meat on the premises. I had the fish dinner and it was among the best fish I have had in a long time. Cha Cha had the New York Strip and said it was a good as the steak she had at Weber Grill. We both had frozen margaritas and I kept getting brain freezes. Cha Cha said that she has never gotten a brain freeze. Of course, me being the wonderful husband that I am, I told her that she didn't meet the minimum requirements. The real reason that i get brain freezes is because I don't take girly sips. I may drink girly drinks and not drink cups of Joe but I ain't gonna drink my girly drinks like a girl. Another cool thing about going to Wisconsin was that gas was cheaper...it only cost me $62.00 to fill up rather than the usual $80.00.

When I go to the ATM why do I have to select English or Spanish before I enter my PIN? Aren't all the numbers the same in both languages? Some people have a problem with having to choose Spanish or English on things but I am not one of them. I love that our country is so diverse. Isn't that one of the big draws of our country? That we are all pretty much mutts? Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I won't be truly happy until people from other planets can stop form-changing and be themselves too.

Speaking or girly...this tea is too strong. I chose poorly. I haven't checked my Mega Millions numbers yet and the ticket is not here at Starbucks with me. I will let you know when the MITM / Dirty Laundry Millionaires' Ball is scheduled after I verify that I won. If I find out that I did win I am guessing that the podcast we record today or tomorrow will have many more give-aways.

Call Me Fitz starring Jason Priestley



I "season passed" a new television series that I think I like a lot. I have two episodes and I watched them both last night while I couldn't sleep. The show is called Call Me Fitz. It stars Jason Priestley as a car salesman named Richard Fitzpatrick (Dick Fitz) who is old-school like the Rat Pack. He is a drunk, a womanizer and every other trait of a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot. A new person shows up at the car dealership and says he is Fitz's conscience. It is not for kids as there is A LOT of swearing and some nudity...now I remember why I like it so much. It is on "The 101" on DirecTv (which is channel 101 oddly enough). I don't know where else it can be found but I highly recommend it for several LOLs if you're demented like me.

This blog is really long...see what strong tea does for me? Maybe I will call this the weekend blog and not do one tomorrow since we usually record Dirty Laundry on Sundays (even Easter Sunday because we have made a commitment to you).Enjoy the sun, doot en doo doo. Send me a line today if you want to be included on tomorrow's podcast mailbag portion (matthelser1@gmail.com). TTTT (maybe)...MITM (out to pick up Fabio from baseball practice). Have a great Easter morning! TA!!!!

Happy Mega Good Millions Earth Friday Day

Happy Good Earth Day Friday! In honor of Earth Day I am listening to Roz's Earth Day playlist. I will tell you which song she is starting with and which song she is playing as I end the blog - she is on shuffle, of course, since she is such a great dancer. Right now she is playing "Constellations" by Jack Johnson. It's like musical Earth Day Roulette.

My favorite "Weird Al' song - "Amish Paradise"

Yesterday I wrote about Lady Gaga and then she appeared in the news (sort of). Weird Al Yankovic, who you know I am a huge fan of, recorded a parody of one of Gaga's songs "Born This way" entitled "Perform This Way." He requested her permission and was told that she did not want him to add it to his forthcoming album. So, since she didn't want him to put it on his album, he decided to post it to YouTube for our enjoyment. Knowing that, I searched it and HERE IT IS FOR YOU. It is very funny and I want to see the video that doesn't exist. Al finished the song because he was told Gaga had to "hear it" before she would grant permission; no artist had ever requested this of "Weird Al" before. Under the fair use laws I understand that he didn't even need to get her permission but that's the way Al rolls. The music is still on YouTube and he is donating a portion (possibly 100%?) of the take of this song to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) which is a lobbying group for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equal rights. He has since gotten Gaga's permission and, as it turns out, it was her management that said "no" and she had never even heard the song, supposedly. Now the word is that she has since heard it and loves it. I am not sure how the HRC will benefit now though knowing what I know of Mr. Yankovic the HRC will still do very well.

Since today is Earth Day and Good Friday and Mega Millions Day I guess I will be a multi-millionaire by tomorrow. Don't worry, you'll be invited to the MITM/ Dirty Laundry party when I win. Fabio has baseball practice during the day today since they have no school and their first game is Monday night and after that I am going to suggest something earth Dayish. Though the rain may change some or all of that. Maybe a picnic? A bike ride? I guess it depends on the weather as the MIDDLEwest has been pretty unpredictable lately.

Shutout pitching performance in game one of 1918 Series

I heard a report that there is a theory that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the World Series in 1918. So now that is being said to be the real source of the Cubs' Curse rather than the goat. If throwing the World Series is cause for a curse how did cross-town White Sox manage to win the World Series in 2005? This new allegation comes from testimony given by Chicago White Sox player Eddie Cicotte (played my Michael Strathain in Eight Men Out) in his 1920 court deposition from the "Black Sox" scandal when the White Sox "threw" the World Series. Courts said they were innocent but Commissioner Kennisaw Mountain Landis banned the players involved out of baseball and great players like "Shoeless Joe" Jackson were denied almost certain Hall of Fame admission. It's easy to call it a curse from a black cat or a goat or a poor guy named Bartman. Sometimes teams can just lose and still fill the seats every game - that doesn't sound like a curse to me. Hey, that one guy that used to be on Two and a Half Men was in Eight Men Out.

I just saw on my Facebook page that my life-long friend John has sent me an invite to something called Operation Oz. Operation Oz is a project working with the USO (United Services Organizations) to help the families of military people ravaged by the recent tornadoes on the East Coast. Can you imagine being in a foreign land working for your country and hearing that your family is back home with no food or electricity or water? I will post the link on my Facebook page and I intend to make my way to either Beloit or Janesville, Wisconsin today with diapers, formula, non-perishables, water...sometime between 9:00AM and 9:00PM because I think that would be a good Earth Day / Good Friday thing to do. If you want to ride along or just have some things for me to take with me let me know and I will be happy to be the delivery boy.

Alright, I am off to give RECYCLE my plasma and then do that baseball practice thing if the rain stops. Then off to Mars Cheese Castle Land to practice what I preach...helping others. In case you have not become aware...I like Earth Day though I always picture it sunny and then it arrives and it's rainy. I can admit with 100% certainty that of all of the planets I have visited Earth is my favorite; Earth Sweet Earth. The ending song of the blog is "All This Time" by Sting. Thanks Roz! And, thank you for spending part of your Good Earth Friday with me - I appreciated you as much as I do the planet we celebrate today. TTTT...MITM (out to help others and win the Mega Millions so I can help more) TA!

The Greatest Blog On EARTH!

Is this Judas or Like a Prayer?

Is Lady Gaga just a Madonna tribute band? More of an homage band I suppose. I know I have thought that before several times but here she goes again with her new video off of her Born This Way album. The song "Judas" seems an awful lot like Madonna's "Like a Prayer." Gaga's main mantra seems to be that "we should all be ourselves" but herself seems to be Madonna. The scandal of Madonna's "Like a Prayer" led it becoming a #1 album. No doubt some idiot puppet writer at Rolling Stone fell right into the trap in 1989 and helped get the news out while saying how crazy it was. I would never fall for something like that. If Gaga can copy Madonna I guess I can copy Rolling Stone.

Isn't it funny how all of the news stations are telling us about all of these incidents concerning airlines and airports all of a sudden? Right after the Southwest Airlines problem with the new sunroof there has been an air travel-related story on every news cast I have seen. Airplane crashes, Michelle Obama's plane being diverted, air traffic controllers sleeping in the towers... These things were happening every day and they weren't important before. Is it someone trying to divert attention from the rising gas prices? The unrest in the world? Our economy? The government becoming redundant? The auto industry trying to get us to drive to our trip in The Bahamas (good luck with that)? The sky may be falling but it's usually falling where they divert our attention away from. So far this has been kind of a doom and gloom blog hasn't it? I am not crabby today either. I had better grab the controls of this blog ship and ignore my blog traffic controller (blog book) who appears to be asleep.

Catch our fat-free ear candy on iTunes! (it's also REGULAR free)

Oh yeah, since it is now available on iTunes I can tell you that the new episode of the Dirty Laundry (podcast) is available on iTunes FREE! If you haven't heard it yet just go to iTunes and go to audio podcasts and put either Matt Helser or Dirty Laundry Podcast in the search area and you should be able to find it pretty easily. This is the fourth episode and you can download all of them there. Thank you for those of you who have downloaded, listened and "followed" us. I cannot believe how it is spreading around the world - literally and seriously. I don't want to give too many specifics now because that seems to be a segment that I do every week - mail and where are they listening...maybe I need to do a little jingle for that segment (mail bag and friends/followers around the world). I guess you'll see next week if I did that or not. If you have an idea for a jingle and want to do one I am sure Musical Director Eric Solfisburg wouldn't mind sharing the musical spotlight. Incidentally, it's worth listening to the podcast even if just to hear Eric's music.

I don't remember the racing meat products yelling so much. Maybe now that I am not coaching (except to fill-in when necessary) I should start working on some costumes to do races before Fabio's games...he would live it (NOT!). A giant ear of corn (since we are in DeKalb) racing against an asparagus stalk or whatever asparagi or asparaguses are called (what's the singular form of asparagus?) We could also have celery stalk and a carrot and a reduced-fat cheese stick. Then we would bring out an 8' tall candy bar or a giant sponge cake and the veggies could run circles around him/her/it. Think of the sponsorships and endorsements. At the finish line they could all dive into a huge bowl of healthy veggie dip. I think I need to sell this idea to a major sports team. Who would go for something like that? The Dodgers? No, they love their Dodger Dogs. L.A. Angels? Padres? Nebraska Corn Huskers!!!! (patent/trademark/copyright) Maybe my love of mascots will finally pay off?

I had teased Roz that she may be able to open her Earth Day playlist today (Earth Day Eve) if she was good. She has been good to she will begin playing her Earth Day music today after a nearly one-year hiatus. I am very excited for her. Have a nice break from the rain in the MIDDLEwest today. I am going to have to stop alienating the rest of the world as this may be a more world-wide audience with the spreading of the podcast? I think I have to do a commercial for the blog on the podcast. What kind of P.T. Barnum disciple would I be if I didn't cross-promote both ways? I apologize for my transgressions Mr. Barnum; please forgive me. Enjoy your day wherever you are and whatever the weather. TTTT...MITM (off to get press my Earth Day Suit)

Am I Still in this World? I was Afraid of That!

No Whey! Whey!!!

Humpday in the MIDDLEwest and it's not raining. It's still extremely wet out there but nothing falling from the sky right now. It is under 40 degrees so if anything did fall it would probably be white and fluffy.

I just got back from doing something I haven't done in about a month; I donated plasma. I kinda figured it was stupid not to have my twice-a-week blood pressure, protein and MIDI-chlorian check-ups all the while making $50 bucks cash a week to read and listen to music. Today went off without a hitch. So, I got home just now and grabbed some of Jillian Michaels' protein and am drinking her protein shake and talking to you. I switched from her chocolate to her vanilla shake flavor. I prefer the vanilla and it doesn't stuff my nose up - I am slightly allergic to caffeine.

I have noticed that the readership of the blog has gone down lately. I kind of expected it to as the warmer weather arrived but it isn't warm out in the MIDDLEwest yet. Oh well, I'll just keep blogging and read it if and when you can and when you want to.

Chief Dan George

While I was deplasmafying I was reading Newsweek. I have a free subscription from the freebees Facebook page. I get free stuff in the mail about three times a week. There was an article that told you "what it takes to lengthen your days" (live longer). Out of the 16 factors that make you live longer I think I exhibit two of them; I am a "fan of excercise but not over-excercise" and my mom was younger than 25 when she had me. Some of the ones I fall short on are: I am not female (that I know of), I am not a Seventh-Day Adventist, I do not live in an area that has little pollution, I do not live in a right-wing dictatorship, I don't have my ovaries (that I know of), I don't eat a Mediterranean diet (though I wouldn't mind that) and I am not sure but I doubt that I have the longevity genetic markers that may counter genes for Alzheimer's, cancer and other age-related diseases. I guess I just need to live day to day..."It is a good day to die."(a bit of a pre-Earth Day clip back there)

Why do we still "roll up" and "roll down" windows in our vehicles? It's like me rolling down the doorbell or rolling a telephone call when I just hit the buttons. It was kinda "rolling" when we rolled that little handle/knob thingy around but now everybody has electric windows right?

This morning I was watching the news and when the commercial break came on I flipped the channel because I have the attention span of a new-born puppy. I don't have ADD or any of those other fancy names for people doing whatever they want I just need to be entertained 24-7 and I want everything when I want it; that's why the DVR, the computer and the i-pod are my favorite inventions of my lifetime. When I changed the satellite box (another fantastic invention) there were commercials on all of the stations. Ted Turner was really onto something when he originally launched Superstation WTBS (now TBS). He started programs five minutes into the hour rather than at the top of the hour. Unfortunately, for some reason, TBS gave up on that concept. I would think that if I turned from another station and got wrapped up in one of their shows they would have successfully sniped me away. Being the cynic that I am I imagine it's the advertisers who put a halt to that but maybe it just didn't catch on. Ideas that are different rarely do on the flat old planet Earth that we call home.

Who doesn't love omega-3 fatty acids?

Yesterday you saw that I was going to design a dinner by request. Yes MADYM, I "designed" it LOL. There was a request for a dinner to include grilled salmon, carbs and walnuts. Cha Cha is looking to get certain vitamins and minerals from those items so Chef Matt In The Middle Ramsey sprang into actual (that's the warm kind of sprang unlike the one we are experiencid right now in The MIDDLEwest). I grilled the salmon as I usually do with the Potlatch Seasoning from William-Sonoma. You have to try it!!! That left the walnuts and the carbs. Walnuts on the salmon? No. I walked the aisles of the store viding (in A Clockwork Orange its a word) all of the various ingredients and such. I am a big MATTshed potato fan so I decided to make a mashed potato onion walnut dish. I prepared the mashed potatoes as usual, I ground the walnuts into dust and mixed them with an envelope of onion soup mix and stirred them into the potatoes. Then I baked them and then broiled them so the top was brown and crispy. They were awesome. Even Fabio, who loves to tell me when things are not good or wrong, loved them. I am sure that broke his Grinchy little heart. I could have wimped out and just done some kind of a walnut glaze for the salmon but glazes generally are more high in calorie.

Have a great day and love the one your with - especially if you're alone (I don't mean love as a verb here). Thank you for spending some time wandering through my brain and notebook. Tomorrow is Earth Day Eve; I hope it warms up so we can have picnics on Earth Day / Good Friday. I think last Earth Day I ate lunch with Joseph Glidden (probably Earth Day). TTTT...MITM (omega-3ing out)
HIT IT ROZ!

The Blog Unwinding!

Rainy days and Tuesdays don't get me down either. Smite me oh mighty smiter!

This morning Cha Cha took something out of her purse and threw it on the table and said, "you may want this." It was the black blog-book that I had been looking for before I started using this new green one about two weeks ago. I asked what it was doing in her purse and she said that I must have put it there. I really doubt that because that purse was way too big for me...I am a delicate flower and wouldn't carry something that large. So, if some of today's references seem dated you will know why. The black book was almost completely full so I didn't care that much and I didn't tell you because I am trying to hide my creeping senility whenever possible. Did you see that Disney is opening something called EPCOT?  Wow, maybe this book has been missing longer than I thought.

Move over Lauer...there's a new Matt in town

Prince William and Kate MIDDLEton are just over one week from tying the Royal Knot (not to be confused with a square knot). I realize that my wedding anniversary is the next day but if NBC's Jenna Wolfe is going over there to cover the nuptials I know Cha Cha would want me to do the right thing and accompany Ms. Wolfe. J-Dub, have your people contact my people and we can make this happen. I imagine Jenna and I have run into each other - I did a college news internship at Channel 17 in Rockford, IL when they were an NBC affiliate back in 1985 when Jenna was eleven-years-old. I am pretty sure I remember meeting her there. Channel 17 is now an ABC affiliate...is it just a coincidence that Jenna started as a sports reporter on an ABC affiliate and now works for NBC when I worked at an NBC affiliate that is now an ABC affiliate? And Blair Underwood says there are NO COINCIDENCES! If the Royal Wedding Part Deux gets boring I am sure Cha Cha would not mind Jenna sitting in as my co-host on the Dirty Laundry podcast next week as we interview Sir Elton John and Mr. Bean (Rowen Atkinson). Actually, with her clout we could probably get someone a little bigger than Mr. Bean - how about Mr. Peanut? They're both legumes so they can probably be found running in the same circles (The Circles of Life - couldn't resist). I would like to see some of this happen and my hopes is that my agent Judii of Jackii of All Trades is already on the job.

Move along! Nothing to see here!

I heard this morning that the United States government has frozen individual accounts of online poker players on sites like: Full Tilt Poker, Absolute Poker and PokerStars for the companies' alleged: "fraud, money-laundering and running illegal casino operations." I am a huge poker fan; I have played poker since I was knee-high to a grasshopper (that last part sounds better if you say it in an olde-timey prospector/poker player voice). I remember Scott Simpson and I would play poker every Thursday night when we were in high school. I play live poker and I was even caught-up in the craze and played on-line poker at both Full Tilt and PokerStars for awhile six or seven years ago. I joined the Poker Player Alliance to try to help legalize on-line poker but when that didn't look like a reality I stopped playing on-line poker. Law and order every time, that's my motto...I'm too pretty for prison. It always concerned me that these companies were operated from other countries though I realized they would probably be run by casinos or "organizations" here if they were legal. PokerStars is based on the Isle of Man (how sexist), Absolute Poker is from Costa Rica and Full Tilt has the luck of being based in Ireland. The U.S. banned U.S. banks from the use of offshore bank accounts for these types of sites in 2006 but they have supposedly figured ways around those obstacles. It's like that old saying, "locks are made just to keep honest people honest."

I have lots to do so I have to shake a blog-feather. I have to work-out so I can keep up with the younger, more-fit J-Dub in the U.K. when that call comes, I have to finish editing the podcast so I can get it up in the next few days (TWSS), I have to design, shop for and prepare a grilled salmon dinner for tonight (it has to include carbs but be low-cal)... There are more but those three are the most time-consuming. If you're not in the MIDDLEwest I hope you're having nice weather and if you are in the MIDDLEwest I am sorry that you (we) are not - good thing I workout in the basement the way the weather is right now. Thanks for spending some of your valuable time with me again; I value your time too. Blog atchya tomorrow. TTTT...MITM (working OUT!)

Nicholas Caged ( I Should Write Headlines)

Welcome Back "HI"

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down - NOT! I am still riding my new leaf of blogging happy. I must admit that rainy days and any day of the week always make me ache...some of you know what I am blogging about. We ought to have some pretty impressive flowers in the MIDDLEwest with all of the April rain and snow showers this year.

While I was doing dishes, taking care of the Dirty Laundry (both kinds) and feeding the bed fresh sheets I looked over and noticed that Oprah had on a show about her show's most unforgettable moments. If they were so darned unforgettable why do you have to do a show to remind your viewers about them? Isn't that what reruns are for? am I missing the boat on the "best-of Matt In The Middle" blog?

It's been a pretty turbulent few days in America. There were over 100 tornadoes pretty much all at the same time throughout the East Coast, most in North Carolina. Some of the news programs are calling it the worst tornadic outbreak in history. I know it is very bad but some of the ones I have heard about in The Bible sounded pretty bad; I guess we didn't have news coverage back then so who is to know? Further turbulence happened in New Orleans as Nicholas Cage auditioned for the lead role in the upcoming The Charlie Sheen Story: A Tiger-Blooded Winner's Story. (patent/trademark/copyright unless it's already taken) Duane Chapman (Dog The Bounty Hunter) auditioned for a part in the film too. I want the part of the blogger.  I am not surprised that Nicholas Cage freaked out since I blogged about him about a month ago after I got back from Graceland. Give me someone that you want to make the news and I will blog about them and within a month big news will come their way. Mattstradamus can make poop happen! Incidentally, I predict Earth will not end in 2012! If I'm wrong sue me.

Hello Clarice (Gary's nickname for Nick)

Another 2012-related prediction that I am going to throw out there...according to very, very unreliable sources MITM staff has learned that Donald Trump will announce on his the Celebrity Apprentice that he WILL NOT run for President of The United States. There's an outside chance that he may for the tax breaks that go with running but he will not be elected. Anyone who kept the most incompetent worker in the world since Rip Van Winkle, Gary Busey, on the payroll is not fit to run even Libya. APPRENTICE SPOILER ALERT - Trump finally came to his senses this week. Of course, Trump is trying to build ratings and wants to get morons to blog about him and his show...hey I resemble that...and Busey made for good ratings. That's why Busey stayed; I guess that is good business. I am sure you all have village idiots in your places of employment that are kept on for one reason or another but Court Jester Gary finally over-stayed his "My Violent Torpedo of Truth -- Defeat is Not an Option" welcome. Why are we so enamored with bad-boy behavior? he asked as be blogs about it and posts photos of the perps

Is it coincidence that Earth Day and Good Friday are the same day this year? Roz has been driving me crazy wanting to play her Earth Day play-list again. Four more days Roz...maybe I'll let you open it on Earth Day Eve if you're good.

The blog doesn't look too long right now (TWSS) but now I will add some photos and it will lengthen it significantly. Try to be a fungi like me and stay warm today; I am a fan of the dark too (I look so much better there). Thank you for spending time here with me over and over; I really appreciate it. TTTT...MITM (off we go into the wet gray yonder).

A "No StigMATTa Sunday" Blog

Happy Palm Sunday. I have always been a huge fan of palm trees so i believe I shall join in the celebration. I am not much of a religious person myself though I am very spiritual and I love people to be passionate so I think religion is a good thing. It seems to me. however, that religion is a sort of segregation and since there's no way the world will ever agree on one religion I pretty much pick and choose parts of all of them and live a positive life. I pretty much think then when it's my time to face whoever or whatever is in charge it should be enough that I was a good person and cared for other people and things. Simple, caring and good.

DA BULLS!!!!

I was in a pretty bad mood again this morning for some reason but I worked out and the endorphins released changed that prior to beginning this blog. I am glad because sometime today Cha Cha and I are recording the next podcast (no name included so this isn't a plug) and I would much rather be in a good mood for that.

Yesterday Fabio and I went to the Bulls play-off game against the Indiana Pacers; I guess it was a MIDDLEwest battle. What a great game. The Bulls trailed the entire game until about 47 seconds left in the game when they went ahead and stayed ahead and won. Because they won and scored over 100 points we both have coupons for free Big Macs from McDonald's. How do you think they will react when I order mine without meat? The game was fun but it's not as much fun when we went to see the 2006 World Series. I think the reason that was more fun, one of the main reasons anyway, was that Fabio wasn't 14 then - this teenage, puberty or whatever it is isn't that much fun for the parents I am discovering. I know I sound like a big shot going to the World Series and the NBA play-offs but between all four tickets (two baseball and two basketball) it cost me $200.00. Our tickets for yesterday's game were $50.00 each and were "standing room only." We got there early and found a couple of seats and by the time the game started no one came with tickets for those seats and we ended up having seats for the entire game. Getting in the door is 80% of the mission. Whether he appreciates it now or not one day Fabio will tell his kids that he saw Michael Jordan play (we went to see the Bulls on Christmas Day in 1997 - when he was 11 months old) and he saw Derek Rose play the year he was Rookie of the Year (last year) and the year he was MVP (hopefully this year). I think he appreciates it because I hear him downstairs watching the game - I DVR'd it so we could watch it later (like he is doing now). Guys are weird (take it from one of us).

Get some peroxide in that!

Our DVR has been working overtime this weekend. A free HBO / Cinemax weekend on DirecTV. I always go through the whole weekend's schedule and set up everything we want to watch later when this happens. It will take several months for us to watch all of the things that are set up but they're there if and when we want them.

I have a lot more to blab (I mean blog) about but I will save some of it for the podcast and some for tomorrow's blog because not many read the weekend blogs. Those of you that do will get some of this stuff that I will probably not be included in the others - it's like a bonus for being a true, loyal blog follower. Have a nice Palm Sunday. It's still a little chilly out there today in the upper MIDDLEwest so we won't get Stigmata today working with shovels and rakes in our yards yet (I was gonna say StigMATTa but that seems sacrilegious but then I went and typed it here anyway). TTTT...MITM (thanking you very much for stopping by while he logs OUT).

It's All a Bunch of Bull

Things moved slower without Facebook and the internet

Hi there. I should be working-out right now but with all of the running-around this morning I thought I had better get to you first. You are more important to me than I am but you already know that if you listened to the Dirty Laundry podcast about the Strengths Finders. I know I said I wouldn't mention the Dirty Laundry podcast as much unless there was a new episode on iTunes...but guess what? There's a new episode of Dirty Laundry on iTunes!!!

This morning I went over and visited with my ma and pa and then went and took Cha Cha to lunch and then went grocery shopping. I got home and checked the mail and called the medical clinic to find out why we got a letter saying we owe them over $10,000 for one visit in December. They said our insurance didn't cover one visit and I told her to mail the stuff because that is incorrect and then we will contact the insurance company. Just a typical day in the MIDDLEwest. At least it's better than the day one tall top-hatted man had 146 years ago today. Today is the day Abraham Lincoln died. If you ever get to Washington D.C. I suggest checking out Ford's Theater and the Petersen House across the street where he actually died. You will be surprised how small both places are. And to see the size of the bed that this very tall man lay suffering until dead will amaze you. No matter how important and/or big we are we can rarely get the opportunity to choose how and when we go to The Happy Hunting Ground. What's the deal with the month of April and Lincoln? The first shot of the Civil War (Fort Sumter) and the final shot of the Civil War (according to me) in Ford's Theater. What a coincidence the new file The Conspirator starts today...well-"played" Robert Redford. I want to see it but I am leery of theaters in April (too soon?).

Welcome to the Unemployment Club Susan

So I hear All My Children and One Life To Live have both been canceled by ABC Television. What's Susan Lucci gonna do now? Maybe she wants to come talk about it on one of the hottest podcasts produced in my house! The two long-time soaps are being replaced by shows called The Chew and The Revolution (a cooking show and a weight-loss show - I am not sure which is which LOL). Why do we need so many channels when all of the shows are either: singing contests, dancing contests, reality shows, talk shows, food shows or body-related shows? Couldn't we do all that with six stations? Remember the days when the National Anthem played at the end of the broadcast day and we were forced to go to sleep and get a good night's rest? I always thought I was pretty cool as a kid when I stayed up until the National Anthem. No wonder I can never sleep. Maybe I need to launch the Nation Anthem Channel.

I will get to hear the National Anthem live tomorrow right around noon MIDDLEwest time. Fabio and I are going to "Series One Game A" of the Chicago Bulls' NBA Play-offs. I am pretty sure the Indiana Pacers are in trouble. I predict the Bulls and the Spurs in the NBA Finals. I am really going out on a limb there I think. But that does mean no Lakers, no Celtics and no Heat.I am just happy to see an NBA play-off game live. President Obama is in town do you think he'll be there? If so I am gonna get him on Dirty Laundry.

"Sarah, You're Tired!"

Do you think that for the 2012 Presidential election Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are actually gonna run for President? Can you imagine that ticket? I wrote of Facebook this morning that I was wondering if that's what the Mayans saw when they stopped their calendar in the year 2012. I watch The Celebrity Apprentice and find The Donald pretty entertaining but not as President. How many times has he been bankrupt? supposedly he is going to announce whether or not he is going to run on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. The guy knows how to work the system I have gotta give him that.


I will try to blog tomorrow but it looks like a hectic day. I learned last week that a full weekend without blogging makes me a Crabby Matty so I will blog at least one of the next two days. Please get over to iTunes and listen to Dirty Laundry or you can click on the upper right link (in the right margin there) and listen to it from the Dirty Laundry website rather than going to iTunes if you're so inclined. Have a nice MIDDLE-Autumn weekend; Spring will be here soon. TTTT &/or Sunday. MITM (Da Bulls).

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Blogs You!

I only got about four hours of sleep so hold on tight because blog knows where this is headed.

Last night. I mean this morning, I got home from working the Wiz Khalifa concert and was kinda adrenalized I guess so I watched the DVR of Survivor: Redemption Island.  I have been doing pretty good at watching what I have been eating lately and have been dropping a few LB's lately that have slowly crept back on. Getting home from the concert this morning I had major-munchies. I hadn't eaten dinner but I am sure that I had the munchies from the contact-high I received from being around 5,000 youngsters whose clothing... reeked of some all not too unpleasant smelling smoke; remember that I have always liked the scent of skunk. So, while I was watching Survivor I went to the fridge and crabbed a couple sticks of Weight Watchers cheese. Let the floodgates open!!! Isn't it weird how you can be hungry and not give in and the feeling will subside but as soon as you eat something it's GAME ON? It's the same thing when you're drinking and you have to pee and as soon as you "tap your keg" you're making trips to the loo every five minutes. After the two innocent cheese sticks, which were only two WW points between them, I ate a whole container of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey and two Zebra Cakes. Now I have an exotic zoo rumbly in my tumbly. How do potheads stay so skinny? Bless the flowers, bless the weeds. I went from a contact-high to a sugar-high.

When did music turn into karaoke? Is American Idol to blame? There are so many "musical" "artists" now that don't even have any musical instruments in their acts. They have some dude or dudette sitting at the back of the stage playing pre-recorded music (oftentimes manufactured by a computer) on a GIANT boom-box-looking system and there's a bunch of knuckleheads out front screaming and yelling obscenities. Maybe I am closer to Matt In The Old Folks' Home than I am to Matt In The Middle. (old crotchety voice to follow...) Back in my day people actually played guitars and drums and then the synthesizer arrived and it's been downhill ever since. Dagnabbit Dennis DeYoung!

I was told last night by my buddy Ed that the blog has seemed a bit dark lately. I know there's a dark one here and there, like M & M's, but I think for the most part there's far more yellow and orange and red blogs. Extraordinarily Large and Sexy Jay told me he didn't think the blogs were too dark (if you listen to the Dirty Laundry podcast you know Jay - part deux of that good time with JC should be on iTunes later today). I will try to be more red and yellow and orange with the blogs though. Everybody has their own problems and you probably read the blog to forget about yours for awhile so I will try to be sunny. I bet it's also nice to know that everyone's kinda crabby sometime. Wasn't that a Dean Martin song? Maybe that was "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Blogs You." I love Dino! I am not sure if he or Sammy were my favorite member of The Matt Pack.

Tomorrow is tax day. I heard that they are giving us a couple of extra days this year (I would verify that before you MATTcastinate though - NEVER use MITM as your only source for the news). Cha Cha and I did our taxes quite awhile ago. It's funny how you send them in right away when you get money back (we use Turbo-Tax). The times when we had to pay in, though it has been many, many years thank goodness,  I would go over to the post office about midnight on tax day so it would get postmarked in time. It's funny how the same act can be changed so much just by one circumstance isn't it? That's true with everything we do every day. One little thing can change everything so all of a sudden you've got the cotton-mouthed munchies and you're watching Survivor at 2:00 AM with a chunky monkey and a couple of zebra cake friends in a marmalade sky. 

Why couldn't they get a George W. to be the perpetual loser?

The weather is getting nicer and the sausage races have begun in The MIDDLEwest cul-de-sac here again. Today, as two of them flew by Dirty Laundry Studios Bratwurst was leading but Polish was gaining on him. Chorizo was the smart one today because he was riding in the baseball cap car to the finish line. I really have to start figuring out which one is which meat product so I can start a pool and handicapping the races and making a little scratch. They keep track in Milwaukee as I know that the hot dog wins most of the time and at the President races in Washington D.C. Teddy Roosevelt has never won.

Another thing that has changed because of the nice weather is that the birds are back in town. This morning there was a lady duck in the backyard again. I feed the birds every day and I throw stuff out into Cha Cha's bird sanctuary area; I am a lot like Snow White but old and ugly and not so pure. Cha Cha and I were watching the duck this morning (I am not sure if it's Cheese - of Cheese and Quakers MITM fame) and she took off and flew next door to swim in their pool. What a cool set-up for a duck; your own private lake right next to a free all-you-can eat restaurant. Talking about our fowl friends makes me think of something I have been meaning to blog you... we have a swan in the lake at the entrance to our subdivision. Do swans fly? I don't think they do so how did it get here? Where is it going to go in the winter? I guess with Splenda in college we do have an extra bedroom. The basement is also almost to the point of being suitable for occupancy. I could turn the crawl-space beneath the Tiki Room into a Swan room; the three-foot clearance would be fine for a swan. How appropriate to have a swan live below the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room.

I think I will call the swan Natalie (for Portman you silly goose)

I must be in a better blogging mood because this is longer again (TWSS). Maybe when I am in better spirits I blog more - more blog for your buck. Have a fantastic day please. The podcast is uploading to iTunes right now but it is taking forever. I will let you know when the Dirty Laundry is ready to hang out to dry. TTTT...MITM (jonesin' for some raspberry Zingers or maybe a couple of shrimp tacos out).