We're as Doomed as Doomed Can be You Know!

It's February tomorrow and it's a few days away from when a furry brown creature will predict what we can know just by looking at a calendar and it's going to be like 6o degrees today. I think Groundhogs Day is Thursday if I am correct. Has anyone ever been to Punxurtawney, Pennsylvania for the festivities? Has anybody been to Woodstock, Illinois for the festivities? Woodstock is where the film Groundhog Day was filmed and they do the celebration every year. I would go because it's not that far but I bet it's really not as exciting as it looks in the movies - and that isn't even very exciting. I could report live (on tape) for Dirty Laundry Podcast though....hmmmmmm. I sure didn't intend to write about groundhogs today but that's the way the blog rolls or crumbles or something I guess.

Sorry I had to take a quick break there because Stacee made her move on Words with Friends and it was my turn. Actually, Stacee and I are playing two games simultaneously so I had to make two moves.

I guess last night there was a mild earthquake in the area. These small tremors have probably occurred since the beginning of time but now we have the equipment to detect things that we were probably better off not knowing in the first place. What would the people of Atlantis have done differently had they known that they were doomed to be swallowed by the sea? Built an Ark maybe? What would the Pompeiiians have done  - Built an Ark? (that's a lot of I's in a row there - I wonder if that's a real word and if I should remember it for Words With Friends). Theirs was a volcano but if they had been out at sea they would have been fine. In the movie 2012 they built an Ark(s) - I think my son and I will begin building an Ark like Evan Almighty because that's what history and films tell us we should. Talk about "build it and he will come."

Oh Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

In addition to the mini-earthquake in the area they also shut down one of the reactors and released radio-active steam into the air at the Byron Nuclear Plant less than an hour away from where I am right now. They are saying that it isn't harmful and I am sure they would tell us and cause mass hysteria if it were so I won't worry about it. I am in the MIDDLE of earthquakes and nuclear reactor leaks - good thing I am done having children.

The Super Bowl Big Game is this Sunday and there is already a lot of talk about something we watch only once a year besides a rodent stepping outside and then running in horror back into his hole when he sees thousands of people outside his house when he just wanted to go to the porch in his skivvies to get the morning paper - Super Bowl Commercials. Thank goodness we don't have to watch The Big Game to see the commercials because they are already all on-line. If you go to that link there make sure you watch the Honda commercial - Matthew's Day Off (which is me today!!! and I am still in my robe) If you are a MIDDLER or older (or maybe even slightly younger) you will love this commercial. I have Oh Yeah on Roz and I think I am going to play it right now while I finish writing the blog. I love how iTunes will let me just repeat one song over and over and over and over and over...

I heard this morning that Chicago is the most segregated city in America. A bigger earthquake could make that even worse. That's disappointing to me. Maybe it's because they have all of those neighborhoods; Chinatown, Germantown... and maybe it's a good thing because it means Chicago has a lot of different cultures and ethic groups living there but I have a pretty negative perception of the word "segregation."

Muppet Press Conferences crack me up!

The Fox Business Network is saying The Muppets are "pushing a dangerous liberal agenda" and "trying to brainwash children." At a press conference in London to promote the U.K. release of their latest film Kermit and Miss Piggy fielded questions for the press regarding their "dangerous" movie. If I weren't already married I would be stalking Miss Piggy (stalking is wrong and I make this comment entirely for humor's sake and realize Miss Piggy is a puppet with a person's hand controlling her and her voice is most-likely that of a man). Check out this clip of Kermit and Miss Piggy talking to the press in England. (it's short TWSS)

I have more in my blog book but that will give me stuff to write about tomorrow. Let me know if it's worth me going to Woodstock to see the furry festivities and let me know if you want to go with me and/or meet me there - sometimes working nights has its advantages. Thank you for spending some time with me today and if you just haven't gotten enough of my shenanigans download the Dirty Laundry Podcast and take me with you - I'm mobile and it's a brand new show just uploaded last night. Have a great day! TTTT...MITM (Oh Yeah - did you even know there was a video for that song?) TA!!!!!

Klatuu Blograda Nikto

Happy Joyous It's Monday! Poor Monday is so under-appreciated.


I just got an email that my credit card has been declined for the auto-replenishment of my I-Pass. I got a new credit card in the mail because the old one expired yesterday and I haven't updated my credit card on file for the Illinois I-Pass. Why do they need $40 at a time when I hardly ever go on the toll-way? Once my balance drops below $10 they replenish it with another $40. $10 used to last about six months but now it will probably only last about two weeks with their new charges. They are making money on my money that I may not even use for a year. Illinois has among the highest of all taxes, amongst the worst of the weather when you balance out the entire year and most of our former governors are in jail and we still live here. Why the Helser do we stay in Illinois? It was probably a great place when my ancestors came here to farm. Getting back to my original tangent - they just doubled our tolls the beginning this year. What service would you continue to use if they doubled the price? Cha Cha works quite a ways away and when the weather is good she doesn't take the tollway but during the winter it is a much safer way to travel but it's like paying a band of unmerry men to use the roads to sell your goods at the market but you spend a great deal of your money you received selling your goods to use the roads to sell your goods. We must pay to use the King's highways! I know the easy solution would be to just not use the tollway at all but it would take us hours to get to places like Chicago and Sterling like we went to this past weekend to watch Fabio play basketball. I know I don't need to use it and I have to pay to play but it is also my right to complain about it all the while using it. My main complaint seems to be that they have to have nearly a year's toll-fees in their account to generate the interest so we can pay for all of our Governors' jail costs. Sometimes I just like to bitch. I do think it's pretty funny that it is called AUTO-replenishment though. I will update my account information when I get down to about $2 I think.

Did you watch the NFL Pro-Bowl yesterday? Me neither. Do you know who won? Me neither. Do you care? Me neither. Free vacation to Hawaii for a bunch of billionaires. Did you watch the SAG (Screen Actor's Guild) Awards? Me neither. Did you watch that other awards show for actors last week? Me neither. Did you even know that the NHL all-star game was just played? Me neither until just now. Can't we just have all of the billionaires get together for one huge all-star awards show game to do it all at one time? I complained about all of this last year and nothing was done about it so now I am going to have to fix this myself I guess.

Last night Cha Cha and I recorded the Dirty Laundry Podcast. I will get it edited this morning and put uploaded this afternoon. I will let you know on Facebook (the Dirty Laundry Podcast and Matt In The Middle fan pages or community pages or entertainment pages or whatever they're called and also on my Facebook page). That's a lot of links right there - Lancelot Links!

Klatu Barada Nikto

I have been sleeping pretty well lately. It's awesome. I think this working nights deal is what I was meant to do. I say that now but it just might go in cycles too I am not really sure but I a just want to know the sleeping gods or whatever/whoever is in charge of that sort of thing that I do appreciate their efforts and want to give them their props.

Did you hear that Fran Drescher says she was abducted by aliens? That explains the voice I guess. It is a well-known fact that I just now made up that people from other planets breath helium and speak through their noses. I think she is just saying this because she is trying to get a better seat on Newt Gingrich's rocket ship to the moon when we colonize it during his second imaginary term. I believe he doesn't really want to be President but wants to keep getting the benefits of running for President. Firstly, he won't have a first term as President. Secondly, if he does because I am very frequently incorrect, he is already putting stuff off to his second term so he can get elected to his second imaginary term and he won't have to work so har during his first term and if you were stupid enough to vote for him the first time you'd have to vote for him a second time becasue that's when the big things are going happen. I don't vote along party lines but anyone who votes Republican this time has got my sympathy for your mental capacity. I would rather see you write in Fran Drescher at least she has the intergalactic experience we are looking for in a President.

I was just listening to the radio because it's one of my responsibilities to monitor all forms of media. The report I heard said that this is one of mildest winters so far as far as temperature in the MIDDLEwest. It also said that it is one of the coldest winters on record in Alaska. Me sleeping and Alaska cold; it sounds to me like the universe is right about where it should be. When I was a yute I was always led to believe that Alaska, unless you're talking about baked Alaska, was one of the coldest places on the face of the Earth right behind Siberia and Antarctica so I am happy to hear this unless this is the full-circle of life we are completing just before December 21st 2012. 

Have an acceptable Monday (I don't want to put too much pressure on you this early in the week). Listen to the podcast later today to find out which movie at the theaters you don't want to see and hear me sing so you can feel better about yourself. Thank you for stopping by. TTTT...MITM (putting on the Chief Engineer/ Editor cap) TA!

Obsession For Blogs!

I am so tired of being tired. I would rather, once in awhile, to be so awake by being awake. If I felt awake all the time I would probably be tired of being awake. I always want what I do not have or cannot get.

Once I get done writing this I am going to go down to the U.S. Postal service and see if they can offer any advise about getting my birth certificate.

I was sad to discover that Robert Hegyes died. He played Juan Luis Pedro Felipo de Huevos Epstein on Welcome Back Kotter. I really liked that show as a kid and Epstein might have been my favorite Sweathog. Barbarino was too stupid, Horshak was too stupid. Washington was pretty funny and Epstein was pretty funny. Maybe I am reverse-racist? Doesn't huevos mean eggs? That was lost on me as a yute and I still don't know it's significance unless it has something to to with what seems to be the obvious to me. He died of a heart attack at 60-years-old. 


My current obsession, added to my obsession of discovering the details/myth of my real birth, has turned toward Jack the Ripper. For some reason I am, and always have been, fascinated by serial killers. I don't think I am alone in this distraction but it has always seemed very odd to me to be so fascinated by these maniacs. I don't know what the interest is though I have always told myself that it is because the idea of being like this is so foreign to my thoughts. Many of the most notorious serial killers of all-time appear to have some close contact/basis in the American Middlewest: Gacy, Dahmer, Gein, BTK, Speck... and now maybe Jack the Ripper too? Okay, now I mentally left here for several minutes to feed my obsession and I am back. I think my obsession these days is trying to do a good podcast and I am trying to marry these two obsessions for just one load of Dirty Laundry. If I could get Words with Friends added to the mix that would be perfect especially if I could get a TW (triple word score) thrown in there. I won't go on but will let you know if something comes of my quest for my unholy grail.

Probably one of my best and worst traits

I just have to work two more days and then I get a three-day "weekend." The next best thing to a three-day weekend is a four-day weekend which I don't have in the foreseeable future though there are several three-day weekends coming up. I think I may use one of my three-day weekends to go down and see Splenda? I feel like I am a nuisance when I am down there but that just means I am being a good parent, right? 


I have to get a few things done and now I have managed to totally rerouted my mind and don't think I am going to be very effective as a blogger right now so I think I better refocus my energies toward my distractions. I wish I could just shut my brain down sometimes but then I suppose I wouldn't be much of a blogger or a podcaster (and I know calling myself a good blogger and/or podcaster is presumptuous) but I surely would sleep better.


Have a super day because without today there is no tomorrow (that is a lesser-well-know Mayan expression). Thank you for stopping in again today. MITM...TTTT (out to obsess elsewhere)... Toodles!

I'd Like To Solve The Puzzle - BLOG!!!!!

lucky for him he looks good in orange!

I now interrupt with trying to sleep more that four hours for this very special blog!

Andy Dick is being sued for allegedly sexually assaulting two Kentuckians in a West Virginia nightclub. If you're from Kentucky in a West Virginia nightclub called Rum Runners with someone with the last name of Dick you are pretty-much asking for trouble I think. I don't ever like to make light of sexual assault but this gets even more unusual as both of these complainants are men. Dick plead not-guilty to grabbing the bouncer's crotch and trying to grope and kiss one of the customers. Dick has been in tight squeezes before and the State's Attorney down there says Dick “has a history of sexual misconduct which is serial in nature.” Maybe Andy should have changed his name. Tim Allen's real name is Timothy Dick (not to be confused with Jiminy Glick) and he was wise enough to change it and he is Buzz Lightyear now. Apparently what's in a name doesn't always smell so sweet if your name is Dick. I think I may have mixed-up a couple of different Shakespeare lines there? I am sure Dick will get off after paying some money and doing some community service or something. How does this dick keep getting off all the time? I am so envious. When I feel I am heading down a dark path I often think of Andy and say to myself, "be careful not to be a Dick." Ben Stiller and Bob Odenkirk were pretty smart to distance themselves from this Dick!

I just found out that there is a new Marcel The Shell episode. This episode is called Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, Two. It's funny but, just like most things, the sequel (I wanted really badly to call it the seashell instead of the sequel) isn't as good as the original but is pretty good too. If you haven't seen Marcel before you need to check out those links - I 59.7% guarantee you'll like them.

I have a line on two really cool guests for the Dirty Laundry Podcast. One of them I have already started the ball rolling and the other one I don't know how to proceed but I will begin before we record the next episode so we can tell you about our possible quests and the progress thereof. I may even have to have a call-to-action to enlist your help by pressuring one of them to come on the show. I want to be more clandestine but I am not really sure that's possible. They are both coming to our town in upcoming months already so I have that going for me which is nice and cannot hurt. Maybe I will promise them that Andy Dick won't be here...that's a big selling point I hear.

Champagne wishes too?

I have always liked both Pat Sajak and Vanna White. They both seem very nice, they're both easy on the eyes and Vanna is from Myrtle Beach, which is an added bonus. I have just learned of another reason to like them and it reminds me of how Cha Cha and I handle the podcast. In a recent interview on ESPN2, because Wheel of Fortune is one of the most watched sports on television, Sajak said in early episodes of taping the show, "Vanna and I would go across (the street) and have two or three or six (margaritas) and then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet." No wonder they both still look so young. They would go across the street from the studio at lunch time to a Mexican restaurant called Los Arcos and get plowed - I wonder if Andy Dick was the bartender back then? There's a house across the street from us that just went up "for sale." Maybe Cha Cha and I should buy it and turn it into a bar. I think The Dirty Laundry Lounge sounds pretty cool. We could serve dirty martinis and are there such things as dirty margaritas (patent pending/copyright/trademark)? OMG I think I am going to "invent" those and make those our signature drinks. Anyway - thanks for validating our behavior Pat and Vanna - we have SO MUCH in common with those two....it's like we're clones (I hope I look that good when I am 65 - the margaritas are a great start!). I have to find that old issue of Cha Cha in Playboy.

For all of you lovers of The Office there are talks of a spin-off. The new show, if it is developed, will be centered around the day-to-day runnings of Shrute Farm's beet farm/bed and breakfast. I will reserve judgment until they submit me their treatment but I am picturing maybe a Newhart-type deal? Spin-off talks are not usually good signs for the shows that they are spinning from though I don't think The Office has much juice left anyway and Happy Days went on for quite a while after Laverne and Shirley and Mork & Mindy started..

MITM or Dirty Laundry - which to spin-off?

I have to try to get something done before I go pick up Fabio and the other two musketeers from basketball practice and then try to get some sleep. Show biz is so demanding. Thank you for stopping by here for this later-in-the-day version of MITM. I hope it didn't freak you out and make you think that this is just the longest day in history. Have a great rest of your day and have a MATTgarita or two to stay young like Pat Sajak and Matt Helser (Pat/Matt rhyme and Sajak and Helser both have only one vowel in them that you can buy successfully and we both have beautiful co-hosts -  creepy). TTTT...MITM (I'd like to solve the puzzle - OUT!)

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled afternoon/evening.
Objects in this blog are larger than they appear - THE BLOG JUST GOT OUTTA THE POOL!!!!

A Matt Without a Country!

BOO!!!!!!

I am starting to realize why I liked the movie The Others so much. "Sometimes The world of the dead gets mixed-up with the world of the living;" that's gonna be the title of my autobiography. I believe I may be one of the "the others." There is no record of my birth at the Winnebago County Courthouse. I don't know what I am to do. I have some souvenir-type documents that say I was born but they don't have United States government seals on them so they aren't official. The one that I have printed in German has a yellow stamp, one that looks like one of those S&H Green Stamps or one of the ones that the Brady girls were collecting to get a sewing machine, and a purple ink stamp that says "STANDESAMT HEIDELBERG." Heidelberg is the city I was allegedly "born" in and Standesamt is the German civil registration office that is responsible for recording marriages and deaths and births... As far as I know this is a death certificate? Although it does say "Geburtsurkunde" on the top which means birth certificate but it looks like a cheap piece of paper so maybe it's forged? I am so confused and unborn. Is it also a coincidence that I have been to Frankenstein's castle in Darmstadt, Germany just 40 minutes North of where I was allegedly born? How could I have been so blind? Maybe the eyes that were harvested for me are defective.

I parked at a public parking lot across from what used to be called The Rockford Metro Centre which is where they have concerts and shows and stuff when I began my Quest of the Missing Birth Certificate. I saw The Scorpions there back while I was still in high school. Kind of ironic that I saw a German rock group right next to the place where I found out I was never born even though I had been told that I was born in Germany. Anyway, as I passed The Metro Centre or, whatever it's called today, I remembered a time when I was standing outside of the Centre while I worked at WTVO Channel 17 in Rockford. We were interviewing the General Manager about an upcoming concert they were going to have. We were outside on the sidewalk filming and talking to him when Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick walked up. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen with my harvested eyes. He was kind of standing behind the guy we were interviewing trying to get into the shot through the reflection of the window. As we would move to try to get him out of the shot he would also move to continue to try to get into the shot. Anyway...there was something creepy and historic for me in that whole area today. On the way there I drove by The Tinker Cottage which was probably only about eight blocks away. The Tinker Swiss Cottage is where Splenda and I went to the paranormal investigation a few months back. Maybe I was actually the one haunting the place and I thought I was one of the ones investigating....curiouser and curiouser.

I also have a document that is called, "Report of Child Born Abroad of American Parents." So now I'm a broad too? Again, this is a form that anyone could easily type-up and sign in blue ink at the bottom. The odd thing about this one is that it is written in English and then has French translations under each of the English words. It is the Rapport de Naissance d'um Enfant ne' a' l'Etranger de Parents Amer'icains. I think I can make out the word infant and parents and Americans but maybe some of my parts are from France. As you can see....I am now obsessed to find the real story of my existence but I will try to move-on though I am very distracted in someone else's mind that is now mine. 

Hey, how did I get signed up and sworn into the United States Army if I didn't have a birth certificate? I smell a conspiracy here. I call shenanigans!

I listened to your President's SOTU (State of the Union) Address last night. I voted for him but I am certain my vote wasn't counted because...you know why! I will vote for him again because what I have seen from the Republican-side during all of their primaries and debates is disgraceful and must be embarrassing for you Americans. Not to mention that many of the people that I know who always vote Republican no matter who the candidate is (I am blogging more specifically about some of my former bosses) are all for keeping the little people down while they step on the MIDDLE class's heads to get whatever they want at whatever the cost to everybody other than them. But I digress...man, being 100% European is so liberating! Anyway, after the SOTU Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels gave the Republican response and said, "One in five men of prime working age, and nearly half of all persons under 30, did not go to work today." I can guarantee we will talk about this on the next Dirty Laundry Podcast. If you have listened to even one of the podcasts you know that this kinda stuff really frosts Cha Cha's cookies and now that I am abroad I will probably be more angry too. Women have kept a great number of American homes (even half-American homes) afloat, including ours, over the past couple of years while their male counterparts have had to seek employment and this jag-bag goes and disrespects women like this?  I don't usually vote by party-lines alone but this year they have made it very easy for me to make a decision. 

bulbous-headed misogynist -  allegedly

I just saw that Star Wars Episode 1: Phantom Menace is coming back to theaters in 3-D February 10th. I didn't think I would go see a movie in the theater that I had already seen just because it came to the theater in 3-D. I love triple-D, and all forMATTS, but it seemed silly until now. I will go to see this movie in 3-D when it arrives. Maybe I am from Tatooine?


I have gone on long enough today. Sorry if I beat a dead horse in this blog but I was so proud to be an American a couple of days ago and now I am A Matt Without A Country. I am confident that I will be able to figure out my real life story and it will have a happy ending. It's actually kinda cool being a mysterious man from who knows where; I am sure amnesia is involved. Have you ever actually known anybody who has had amnesia? Me neither. I have always hankered to write a book and now maybe my actual life story will allow me to write a non-fiction story of my life. Isn't that called an autobiography or something?

Thank you for stopping by. I always appreciate you being here and letting me get out some of my thoughts. Make sure you listen to the podcast if you haven't because we try to discuss different things there than I do here even though there usually is some over-lap. I will continue to try to find my gypsy heritage. I have always had a wandering heart and admired the gypsy/beach-comber lifestyle and maybe all of that makes a little more sense now. It's funny how one little thing, be it real or in your mind or in your blog, can make you look at things from an entirely different direction and start your mind a-wanderin'. Have a great day. TTTT...MITM (out to view the world a little differently - it's nice) TA!

Was I Just Born a Whore? I May Know Soon!

Good morning. I have to make this a quick one (TWSS) because I have to head up to Rockford to get a copy of my birth certificate. I called them and they cannot tell me over the phone if they have it there but my dad is sure it is registered there. I was born in Heidelberg, West Germany, a country that no longer exists, but I was born on a military base so I am at least half of a United States citizen. I have always felt that I am about 1/2 West German too. You can take the Matt out of is country but you can't take the country out of Matt (I wanted to make that sound really dirty but you can do that by removing a few letters from country but then you are the one with the dirty mind and I am not).

Speaking of Dirty - I just got done editing the Dirty Laundry Podcast. I am uploading it or downloading it now, I have never really kept it straight when I download and when I upload, and it should be up by the time you are reading this blog. You can be one of the first ones to hear it you brave soul. I want to make sure it is done before I leave in case there are loading issues....I am very anal when it comes to stuff like that - AND ONLY STUFF LIKE THAT!!! It only has about five more minutes of up or down loading and then I am heading west.

last night I went to Fabio's basketball game and he played the best game I had ever seen him play. He scored 25% of his team's points and had at least five or six rebounds and assisted in several of the other points that were scored. The whole team played very well and they beat the team that beat them the day that the Fiat got plowed into.

Listen Free Right Now

I don't know if I mentioned it yesterday here but we got the Fiat back and it looks brand new again. We talk a little about something that is occurring because of the accident on the podcast but I am going to leave it at that so you are more likely to listen to the podcast if I don't mention it here. It has something to do with the whores in our society trying to profit off of other people's misfortunes.

Okay I have to begin my westward journey. Go west MIDDLE man go west! I hope to find out if I was really born soon. If not I guess I will at least to get fuel cheaper for my long journey back to the current homeland. Thanks for stopping by and sorry this was fairly uneventful today but that's what the podcast if for - eventful. Have a great day and I will blog earlier and more fascinatingly tomorrow. TTTT...MITM (way out west) TA!

Jack Black and the Drench Coat Mafia

Hit it tenaciously Roz!

Hangin' with the Blackmeister

Happy Monday....I can say that because it's like my Saturday this week. I am off today and tomorrow :) Next week I only have to work four days and then I get a three day weekend which will be your Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I like to keep you up to speed on the Matt-to-human calendar. Sorry I didn't blog your Friday but it was a pretty hectic day. I took the test for perhaps the next progression in my most recent career path that day. I think I did really well on it but I won't know for about two weeks because they keep the testing for the position open for that long. There were a few dozen other things  did that day and it was a work day as well.

Last night for Fabio's birthday we went to Morton's The Steakhouse in Naperville. We had a great meal. I had the filet mignon, Fabio had the lobster tail, of course, and Cha Cha had the surf and turf. Fabio and I sat on opposite sides of Jack Black. Yes, THE Jack Black. What a birthday for Fabio. I would put the photo here but I am too lazy/tired to go downstairs to get my camera - probably tomorrow. We also saw our friend Stacee there. I was more excited to see her than I was to sit next to Jack Black. I wish we could have spent more time with her but she had her business to attend to and we had our but we did visit a little bit but not as much as I would have liked.

It was raining last night when we went to eat so I wore my trench coat. Somehow it came up that I was wearing a trench coat and Fabio thought that name was funny. He felt that it should be called a drench coat since it was for the rain. I thought that was pretty smart especially since I am not really sure why it's called a trench coat. I think I am going to start my own Drench Coat Mafia; if you're interested in membership please let me know.

Beyond green and beyond intelligent

Tonight Cha Cha and I will be recording the new Dirty Laundry Podcast. We have lots to talk about this week but if there's something you want us to discuss please let us know.

I heard Friday that it was "bike to work day." When I heard that on the radio it was two degrees outside and there was snow everywhere. Wouldn't it make sense to have this day scheduled in the summer months maybe? I think you would get much more participation if people didn't have to put snow tires on their bicycles in order to participate. That's just setting yourself up for failure. I am going to try to get walk barefoot to work day going for mid-February in the MIDDLEwest - we have to thin the her one way or another.

I also heard on the radio that chicken wing prices are going up. I remember that happened one other time and I think it may have been around the same time of year. Right before the Super Bowl. I hope I don't get sued for using the name Super Bowl in my blog. I assume that people aren't supposed to use this term since every time an advertiser who is trying to promote their product for use on the day of this event calls it "the big game." Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl. Wouldn't you think that they would want people to mention the event? Maybe they should call it "the game which shall not be mentioned by name."

Have a great day. I am going to have to end this here because I pushed it a little too hard yesterday (TWSS) and I need to get some sack-time so our award-winning podcast can be as good as I have grown to pretend it to be. Thank you for stopping by and I will do better tomorrow allegedly. TTTT...MITM (out)

A Long Time Ago in a Blog Far Far Away...

Maybe I am a corporate shill so what?

Apparently iTunes' issues with me have been resolved and we are a couple again. Load #44 of Dirty Laundry Podcast is up. I am glad that we didn't break-up but this little misunderstanding has made me appreciate iTunes more and I realize I could not live without her/him. I will be on my best behavior for at least a week or two. If you haven't heard the show this week please listen because we just cracked the top ten in our category again and I would like to make it to number one again. Thank you for your support

I am writing today's blog on my iPod again as respect to Apple for not breaking up with me.

I heard that Kodak is having financial difficulties and Hostess may be going out of business soon. I am sure Kodak has been having problems ever since the digital camera boom has begun as their main industry seemed to have been film. When is the last time you used film for your camera? It seems like they just sat back and watched the rest of the industry pass them by. They should have been on the cutting edge of converting photos into videos or something. They need(ed) to come up with another new product that will revolutionize the photography business. It's easy to say but not always easy to do. As far as Hostess I am sure most of their business has declined because of the movement toward eating healthier and Ding Dongs and Twinkies don't really fit into the equation too much. It's like my entire junk food-eating picture-taking youth is coming crashing down around me. I suppose the next thing will be bell bottoms and leisure suits will go out of style...then what will I do? Do you think the Ding Dong snack cake came first or the slang for male genitalia Ding Dong came first (no pun intended but recognized)? I really hope that the snack cake originated first because if they called it that after the other was called that I am surprised that they lasted this long (no pun intended).hey aren't Ho Ho's Hostess too? I have heard the Ding Dong referred to as a Ho Ho sometimes too....what is it with Hostess and their foods being used as genitalia slang?

How will we know what to call our naught bits?

Yesterday I asked a trivia question about Happy Days and if I don't answer it now I will forget. I asked, "what television show did Happy Days spin off of?" I think I put it here before so most of you should have know that the answer is Love American Style! I am just testing your cognitive recall skills.

Supposedly Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. Before the rumors start floating out there, and you and I both know that they will, I have not seen Jennifer in person for at least two years. I would swear to that in court and I am prepared to do that if that is where this is headed. I had the same worries when Selma Hayek and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham were pregnant. I do not want to relive those nightmares so I want to squash those rumors right now.

Apparently there were going to be more Star Wars films but critics so drove George Lucas crazy that he decided to stop the series rather than continue to take the ridicule. I can totally relate because I have the same problem with the podcast and this blog but I feel I owe it to you who keep reading and listening to just power through it. It's a shame because I thought the Star Wars movies were getting better and better with the advancing editing and special effects capabilities. Lucas said, "on the internet, all those same guys that are complaining I made a change are completely changing the movie, I'm saying: 'Fine. but my movie, with my name on it, that says I did it, needs to be the way I want it.'" I totally agree with Lucas and if you don't like it don't watch it. He can say that because he's now worth 250 quadrillion bazillion vanillion superstillion dollars. I, on the other hand, am barely worth a plug nickel and until I am worth 1/2,000th as much as him and have my own Dirty Laundry In The Middle Ranch I just want people to read and listen and maybe one day in a land far far away I may change my mind but until then...please continue to read and listen - ALWAYS!

Yum ... Intergalactic Snacks!

Thank you, as always, for being here today. I so much appreciate you. I guess this pretty much turned into a snack cake and celebrity blog. Tomorrow maybe I'll try to get deeper since it's Friday and all but that is not a promise though I occasionally can wax intelligence (but more on it's more wax off than wax on). TTTT...MITM (send them out with something fun and close to fitting Roz)! TA

Dress Codes & Black-Outs & Breakups. What a day!

My weekend is over and it's back to work today. I like my job so it's not that big of a deal but I would much prefer to just do podcasts and blogs all day because the dress code is much more lax. I mentioned last week that I was considering testing for the next logical step in the progression of my becoming king of the world and I have pretty much decided that I have to make the move if presented the opportunity; I don't know why "I have to" but I think I have to so I have to.

Even Vatican City has a dress code

This morning started out pretty good. Fabio got out of bed easier than usual becasue he has finals starting today and he wanted to have a good breakfast like the school suggested for finals. Then I was listening to the radio while messing around in the kitchen and there was a trivia contest on the radio and hey said the subject was television...my college major was radio/television so it sounded like it was going to be pretty much in my wheel-house. I called in and I won a new car $100,000 a box of Girl Scout Cookies; Fabio will like them though I would have preferred an all-inclusive vacation to Neptune. The question was an easy one I thought but I won nonetheless since I have a quick dialing finger. The question was: "The Jefferson's was a spin-off of what other television show?" I will give you the answer at the end of the blog so you can have a chance to check Wikipedia.

Oh wait, you cannot check Wikipedia today because they are shutting down for today to protest against anti-piracy legislation making its way through Congress. Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales Tweeted yesterday, "Student warning! Do your homework early. Wikipedia protesting bad law on Wednesday!" Google is also joining the protest by putting "black tape" over their Google logo though Google is still available. I may file a discrimination suit against Wikipedia because if I spoke Spanish, French, German or Russian I could still get Wikipedia today. I only took four years of high school German and two years in college and you expect me to be able to use that now? Maybe this is the reason the Cosmos had me take so much German. It's either that or maybe one day I will be in a German-speaking country and I can ask where the library is or tell them that the post office is closed on Sunday or that I like lemonade. I know I would not be as smart as a 5th-grader in Germany. I hope they remove Wikipedia from the search pages today so if I have to search something I don't get the Wikipedia shuffle. I didn't capitalize those last two Wikipedias and the spell-check gave me that red squiggly line and when I checked Wikipedia was in spell-check - you know you've made it when you're in spell-check!

It's not you, it's me

The Dirty Laundry Podcast is up but for some reason I cannot find the new episode/load on iTunes. It is up at the Podomatic site but maybe I have to reboot my computer. I will try that when I am done posting this blog. I hope it's just some kind of glitch and it isn't due to some rules that we have broken. I probably do push the envelope sometimes but isn't that why people do podcasts instead of radio shows? Steve Dahl in Chicago and Adam Corolla in Los Angeles, to mention a couple, have both had very successful radio shows and could again if they chose to but they have chosen the podcast medium because of the greater freedoms and flexibilities that podcasts offer both the people making the podcasts as well as the people who listen to the podcasts. I just posted it last night and we already had over 40 downloads when I checked early this morning so maybe it's up and just not here. I will reboot but people can always listen at that link. I love iTunes so I hope they are not mad at me. They were my whole life; I don't know how I would handle it if they broke up with me. Maybe we would just have to start doing the show in Spanish, French, German or Russian. Cha Cha took French and I took German and I know some Spanish and I know a lot of swear words and phrases in Greek so maybe we could do something along those lines?

Newt Gingrich will not be President. Sarah Palin is telling people in South Carolina to vote for him in the primary. Has she made a deal with him to endorse him with hopes of being his running-mate should he make the ballot? How did that work-out for John McCain? I have heard so many bad things about the Republican candidates from all of the other Republican candidates that I would be hard-pressed to vote for any of them no matter who comes out of this mess. 

Or is that Tina Fey?

Okay I had better get on gettin'-on. Thank you for stopping by and hopefully you'll be able to, or already have been able to, download Load #44 of Dirty Laundry Podcast and I am going to reboot the computer right after I publish and promote today's blog. I hope you have a great day and if you're in the MIDDLEwest try to stay indoors today if you can because baby, it's cold outside. TTTT...MITM - oh yeah - The Jefferson's was a spin-off of All In The Family. Here's a tougher one that I have found very few people know - what show is Happy Days spun-off of? (TA!

Mattlantis - The Lost Blog!

Since President Obama is there I guess it's still open!

I love when I walk in here to do the blog and I have no idea what I am going to blog about. And then I begin my ending a sentence in a preposition. I usually take notes throughout the day prior and turn those into blog gold much like the way our bodies turn waste that it can break-down into liquid into gold. So today's blog is going to be liquid gold I can just feel it coming. I had better hurry and get it flowing before there is too much pressure on my creative bladder.

I was at the post office (USPS) Saturday morning and I have to say that if our local post office is any indication of how most of the post offices in the country are run I am not surprised that the USPS is having financial problems and fearing going out of business. I, like almost everyone in the world, have had many customer service and retail jobs through high school, college, as second jobs and just after college when we're trying to land that first "real job." Some people work retail jobs all of their lives. The people at our post office must have stepped right into the USPS job right outta the womb because they do not have any sense of urgency in getting the people in and out they are just slow and emotionless and not very helpful. It's like the Hall of Presidents from Disneyland when I was a kid is the new employment agency for the USPS. The only one with any emotion was the lady who appeared to be in charge Saturday who was running around yelling at all the patrons acting like she was in charge of the investigation of a train crash. Does the Hall of Presidents still exist? If those animatronic presidents are still looking for work I think I know where I get get them jobs.

Cha Cha and I recorded the Dirty Laundry Podcast last night and I will edit it and get it up for your pure joy and elation later today. That will give you time to get caught up on past loads if you are behind - not like it's a running series that you cannot start with any load (episode).


The Golden Globes were on Sunday and I didn't see them because I was working and I haven't really heard much about them but this is probably where I would talk about them so I decided to talk about not talking about them. I did see some clips of Ricky Gervais as host. I was excited that given his cutting-edge hosting last year that they decided to let him host again this year. From what I saw, and remember I didn't see the show but just a few clips, it appeared to me that they let him be the host with the understanding that he wouldn't be quite as funny (meaning not lampooning the celebrities as much) as last year. I think it's great when people can laugh at themselves and it was apparent last year that most of the celebs have just as shallow egos as we have always thought. All they do for a living is play pretend and we adore them and they are paid millions of dollars for us to watch. It's kind of ridiculous if you think about it. We all play pretend every day in our lives; I do it five days a week writing a blog and once a week on the podcast and it helps me escape for a bit and hopefully brings a few minutes of joy to a very intellectually superior group of a few people - YOU. That's all they do too. They are no better than you or I (well, you at least) and we take crap from people every day so why can't they take crap from Ricky Gervais on our behalves once a year? Imagine what I'd have to say if I had seen the show.

This morning as Fabio was getting ready to leave for school there was news coverage of the cruise ship that capsized in Italy. I am not sure if capsized is the proper term but it tipped over in the ocean. It wouldn't be worth even mentioning it here other than Fabio is going on a cruise with a friend and his family over Spring Break to the U.S. and French Virgin Islands. I didn't have time to talk to him about it this morning but I will make sure I do that tonight when he gets home from school to see what he is thinking. I don't think it will be that big a deal to him since he heard that one of their stops is going to be Atlantis and he has wanted to go there since he has been one. I don't think I will talk to him about the real (or is it?) Atlantis and how it is thought to be at the bottom of the sea somewhere.

I think I am going to go back to bed for a little while before I start with the podcast editing. I don't have to work today which is nice considering I am exhausted. I hope you have a great day and remember it's Tuesday already. I'll let you know when the Laundry is ready. Thank you for making time for me today - you are the reason that I do this. I seriously don't think I would do it if you weren't here and I do enjoy doing it; you're kinda like my shrink and maybe I help you a little too.  TTTT...MITM (out to slumberland hopefully). TA!

MITM Blog History is Made Once Again

I am having an affair with my iPod (only emotionally)

In honor of Martin Luther King's birthday I am writing my first blog via my iPod. So I guess as far as the blog goes I am free at last blogging on the go. Forgive me if there are more typos and misspellings than usual but these keys are about 1/6th the size of my finger tips. With my preemptive excuses out of the way on with the blog.

I have just began playing Words With Friends. I have heard people talking about it for quite some time and now decided to drink the Kool-Aid and boy is it delicious. I am already playing seven games with all friends. In case you are not familiar it's pretty much Scrabble but I am sure there are copyright issues with calling it that. There is a way to play with random strangers which I suppose is redundant in a way but if you play with strangers is is still Words With Friends? I would say that it's Words With Imaginary Friends. I am "agitator13" if you want to play...you've read my blog so you already know you'll beat me!

Fabio is off of school for MLK's birthday but he has a school basketball game. I wonder if they'd have a basketball game on Lincoln's birthday?

The Green Bay Packers have been eliminated from the NFL season much to the delight, I am sure, of my good buddy Brian Didier. If you listened to the Dirty Laundry Podcast recorded on Christmas (Load #31 I think) with Brian as Cha Cha for a Day you know what I am referring to - listening has its advantages. Anyway, I am kinda disappointed even though I am not a Packers' fan. I learned to like them because I had Aaron Rodgers and Jermichael Finley on my fantasy football all team. They are fun to watch but a lot of their players were very cocky during their games yesterday whenever they made big plays and I don't care for that much so I am happy their cocky green cheeseheads lost. Blue cheese I like - green cheese not so much!

Even though I wrote the blog up to this point on Roz II (my iPod) when I opened it here to add photos it was a lot shorter than it looked on my little bitty iPod so now I have to write a lot more because it's so short - I have never had to say that before.

Actually I wrote it on the iPod to save time because we have Fabio's game to go to and Cha Cha and I still have to record the podcast today so I guess I have to go get showered so we can go and get something to eat before the other festivities begin. I have to try to sleep in there somewhere but I guess I will screw-up my cycle and just do it tonight so I can feel like a real boy since I am off today. It is Monday even though it seems like a weekend so it is a regular Monday-sized blog I suppose. Have a great MLK Day. Enjoy your day and thank you for tying your horse up to my bloggin' post for a might. TTTT (I'll let you know when the podcast is ready - probably tomorrow)...MITM (out like a sprout with gout on his trout route)

Holy Triskaidekaphilia!!!!!!

It's one of my most favorite days of the year - Friday the Thirteenth. I am not sure if I will like this one, the one with all of the snow, or the one in April better but I am a big fan of Friday the Thirteenths. Some people dislike Friday the Thirteenth and I am not really sure why. Why would you hate a Friday just because it is the 13th day of the month? Aren't Fridays the most beloved of all of the days? I have always been a triskaidekaphiliac so I really don't get it - I was usually number 13 on most of the baseball teams I played on just because of this. Next year is the 13th year since Y2K - the previous end of the world. Next month is a leap year and we have two Friday the Thirteenths this year just before the 13th month of the new millennium - I am starting to see what the Mayans were talking about. Is it a coincidence that the last day they "predicted" we'd be alive is December 21st - - - A FRIDAY??????

I have been at my new job for about three months and I am already looking at the next logical step at the job. I have to decide what I want to do but I am leaning toward taking the next step though if I don't take it now it will be available to me again later. I have always felt it best to move forward when given the opportunity and I am fairly sure this time will be the same. I have to weigh the pros and the cons and make a decision soon.

I don't know why, and I know this is random, but for some reason I think Charlie Brown needs a resurgence / revitalization. How about a full-length Charlie Brown movie in theaters? Maybe with real people playing the kids and an animated Snoopy and Woodstock? Not a crappy cheesy one like they tried to do with The Little Rascals though. From my blog to Spielberg's ears.

I heard a Dunkin' Donuts commercial last night. Donuts are delicious and so are doughnuts but they certainly aren't the healthiest of foods. The commercial talked about a new product that they have whereby they wrap a piece of sausage inside a doughnut or a pancake or something. Doughnuts aren't unhealthy enough so let's turn them into edible sausage pinatas. I swear that a health care provider or a funeral home chain must own controlling shares of Dunkin' Donuts.

Clogged arteries are very economical!

Oh crap, a black cat just crossed my path with a mirror on its back. I took the mirror off of the cat and dropped it and it smashed into a thousand pieces all over the sidewalk crack I was standing on. Then I stood up and hit my head on the ladder I was stooping under. What a day!

I have run out of steam it seems so I am gonna call it a morning and go get some shut-eye. Have a great day and if you get a chance and haven't listened yet please head on over to Dirty Laundry Podcast so we can get our numbers up on this Friday the 13th! It's only two more days until start a new load. Thank you for stopping in and I will blog again Monday latest but you never know what a snowy weekend might bring. TTTT...MITM (out to the land of nod before out to the land of shoveling snow)

The Gayest Blog in America (not that there's anything wrong with that)!

Mr. Winter Snow Advisory Warlock!

We are under a WINTER SNOW ADVISORY! where does the winter snow advisory fall in the realm of snow warning? Blizzard Warning, Blizzard Watch, Snow Warning, Winter Advisory, Snow Watch, Chance of Flurries? I am not sure of the order!

Why every time it is going to snow in the MIDDLEwest is it such a big deal? Most of us have lived here our entire lives and it still seems like a huge surprise to the radio and television stations when it snows in the winter. I would be more concerned if it didn't snow in the winter. every winter I always ask myself, "why do I live in the MIDDLEwest?" Maybe I just hate moving that much. And now maybe it's because it's a bad housing market. When the market improves I will have to come up with another excuse. So, anyway, it's snowing and we're all surprised and I sure hope we survive.
Why (I have so many "whys" today) does it seem like the majority of professional drivers smoke? I am talking about bus drivers, taxi drivers, limo drivers... I passed two gas stations with the parking lots full of buses this morning while the drivers waited for their next age-group to be picked up for school. Outside of each of these gas stations was about 10 - 15 drivers with their neon yellow and orange vests smoking. What is it with driving that a makes the drivers want to smoke? Drinking I could understand with the bus driver thing but I guess they say smoking relieves stress too right?

Have you seen Dolly Parton lately? She is doing a bunch of publicity for her new movie - I don't care what it's called so I am not even going to Google it. People are saying things to her like, "I can't believe you're 65-years-old you look so great." GREAT??? She looks like Jack Nicholson in the Batman movie with Michael Keaton. I think she should have gotten a different plastic surgeon after the last one messed up her naughty pillows. She seems nice but it's okay to be a nice old lady who looks here age.

I heard that we now know "officially" what the "gayest city in America" is according to the U.S. Census Bureau interviews. I worked for the U.S. Census Bureau as an enumerator and based on the surveys that we performed I don't know how this could be determined. There was a question on the survey that asked the people to decide how each individual within a residence was related to them and the only choices that could possible be construed as homosexual are: "other relative," roomer or boarder," housemate or roommate," "unmarried partner," or "other nonrelative." None of these, however, specifies that either of the people are homosexual. "Unmarried partner" could mean Starsky and Hutch were gay...I guess they did live in Bay City which was probably San Francisco so maybe that's a bad example. If they had been cops in SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH the show would have made so much more sense. I am sure the Mormons love that their big city is the "gayest city in America." The next census, if I remember, I am going to try to get everybody in town to say that we are all gay. I want to live in the gayest city in America but I don't plan on moving to Salt Lake City. Do expect me to miss all of this WINTER ADVISORY stuff? What's the most heterosexual city in America? What's the most bi-sexual city in America? Why do we have to break things out this way? Incidentally the other top ten gay cities in order of gayness are: Orlando, Cambridge Massachusetts, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle, Ann Arbor, Minneapolis/St. Paul, Knoxville, Atlanta and Grand Rapids. San Francisco isn't even in the top ten anymore.... very disappointing!

I am very tired and I am thinking that I will have to shovel the driveway before I go to work tonight so I think I had better get some sleep. Thanks for stopping by here to keep your tooties toastie while the weather is getting frightful - - Salt Lake City here I come! In case you didn't get the memo yesterday...the new Dirty Laundry Podcast is loaded for fun. Have a great day. TTTT...MITM (out to the lad of nod so I can be rested to wrestle with old man winter later on) TA!

It's Create Your Own Headline Wednesday (it's a contest)

For you youngins that's an album cover

Happy most likely Hump Day to you...it's Monday for me in case you're keeping score at home.

I am really tired but woke up anyway. I am uploading the Dirty Laundry Podcast right now and it will be up by the time I am done with this blog so please head-on over there to listen to the show when you're done here....it's like the blog on caffeine with music and my Felt Fog (Velvet Fog was already taken).

It seems like the Republican Party may finally be deciding who they like as their Presidential candidate. I am not a very political person I just know what I like be it Republican or Democratic or Independent though for about every election I can remember I have leaned and/or voted for the Democratic candidate. I did like John McCain but he turned into a douche when he finally ran last time so I could not vote for him. I have to say out of all of the Republican candidates that have been traveling around the country in the GOP Traveling Circus Mitt Romney is one that I may consider. Now he has made history in being the first Republican candidate to win both the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries which really mean nothing so I wonder why they make such a big deal about them. They are now to smear one another in South Carolina and they say whoever wins South Carolina always wins the Republican nomination for President. With all of the the shenanigans and all of the stupid jostling that's been done I may be hard-pressed to vote their way since they all look like a bunch of big-top clowns. President Obama has been very smart to keep doing his job and letting the other side do all of his work for him by making themselves and each other look silly. My vote is still up for grabs so now it's time to wow me and America!

For some reason our internet was down just now. I went to publish the podcast and it wouldn't let me. I knew the bill was paid because I just paid that two days ago. They must do maintenance in the MIDDLE of the night when most people are sleeping. I am calling vampire discrimination. It appears to be back up now since it is publishing. I guess I need to add publisher to my resume.

The Kardashian replacements and their husbands/boyfriends

The Super Bowl is drawing near and they are already starting to talk about the commercials that will be made for the huge event(s) that play between the plays of the football game. Isn't it funny how everyone watches the commercials during the Super Bowl but the following week we are skipping through them on our DVR's and complaining about them? That's pretty damn clever of those advertisers. How did they scam us into that one? If the blog or the podcast every gets big enough for a television advertisement I have already consulted our P. R. Department and said we should just blow all of our advertising budget on one commercial spot that one night. Or am I supposed to raise the money and do it now and that's how the blog and podcast get big? Damn, no wonder we're still small potatoes - I need to do a winter car wash to start raising the funds. If the one commercial is good enough people will talk about it for a couple of weeks and seek it out on YouTube... Last year one of the big commercials (that was not a butt crack LOL I mean a crack about her butt...you know what I mean) was a Skechers commercial with Kim Kardahian. The people at Shechers have decided to go a slightly different way with a French Bulldog this year. She's nice to look at but apples to apples I think I'd go with the dog too! Probably a lot less temperamental.

Okay I have to get my wiggle-on. The Dirty Laundry Podcast is official up on iTunes and there is some great new music on this load. You can also find out why Cha Cha has been so down in the dumps lately. Have a great day and I thank you for spending a few minutes with me here. TTTT...MITM (out to raise a billion dollars for a 30 second commercial spot) TA!

The Glaze of Glory!!!!

They misspelled Matt again!

Happy Tuesday. Are you impressed that I actually know what day it is? If it's not Tuesday forget that I said anything. Sorry I didn't blog yesterday but it was a crazy busy day of doing things I hadn't planned on doing and not doing things that I did plan to do, like sleep. It's funny how someone else's actions can dictate how your life may change even if only for a short while. I don't want to say much about that because a great deal of this week's Dirty Laundry Podcast is about exactly that and though I like to steal thunder now and again it isn't prudent to steal one's own thunder since that really isn't stealing if it's already your thunder in the first place. The new show will be up later tonight and there is thunder about why that isn't completed too...I eat lightning and crap thunder. I am excited that we have some new artists / music labels that have allowed us to play their music.

I just walked all over the house looking for my little blogbook that I take notes of seemingly good ideas for the blog. I couldn't find it anywhere so decided to come on back in here and start to try to remember things as I typed and when I came back in here the notebook was lying right next to the keyboard. Yes, I know it was probably always here but I'd rather believe that there is some kind of blogvine intervention or a blogspiracy that just put it here while I was looking for it elsewhere.

Albert Pujols leaving The Cardinals is still weighing on my mind. I have felt bad knowing that he will be out there having to try to get by on only $240,000,000. Doesn't he realize that $150,000,000 in St. Louis will go farther than $24,000,000 in Los Angeles? But now more details of his contract have been made public and it turns out that he also gets four season tickets to every home game of the Angels for the next ten years because he couldn't afford that on his measly salary.... sorry I just got a call concerning the issue I have been dealing with for a couple of days right there that I haven't told you about because it's gonna be on a podcast that isn't quite ready yet. Okay, now where was I? In addition to the four season tickets for the next decade, and I guarantee they are not crappy seats, he gets: a hotel suite for all road games, a luxury suite at the ballpark for his Pujols Foundation for charitable events, "the right to buy a luxury suite between first and third base for all home game..." Wait a minute - a luxury suite "between first and third base?" Are they saying that he gets a luxury suite right on the pitcher's mound? I believe that's what is smack-dab in the middle of first and third unless they are talking figuratively and meaning ON second base. Also by the time he is done he could possible be making up to $268,750,000 based on incentives like: making the all-star team, MVP, play-offs, World Series, winning a Gold Glove, Silver Slugger... I sure hope he's able to make it out there all alone in La La Land!

They're delicious!

We had free Showtime this past weekend. They make it seem like a big deal when they give you a "free" weekend but they are probably really just doing some kind of maintenance and the channels have to be open and they want to make like they like us. I know they try to sell the channels during this time but with the crap they had on there this weekend I doubt they sold much. Whenever there is a "free" weekend like this I go through the whole weekend's guide and set the DVR to record things that we might like to watch later and over this entire weekend I think I set the record button for only three or four things.

Hello my name is Indigo Montoya Matt Helser and I have an iPod addiction. It was Angry Birds and Texas Hold 'em for awhile and now it's Netflix and Breaking Bad. Music and podcasts are on continuous loop on Roz II except during movies and/or music. I am not eager to give up this addiction so I guess I will not. It's more of an Obsession For Men than an addiction so never mind I am not giving it up. No interventions welcome!

I was listening to someone talk to me the other day (IT WASN'T YOU) and I started day-dreaming. Why is it day-dreaming even if you do it at night? Maybe because night-dreaming would mean you were asleep? Anyway, as the story grew longer and longer and more boring and more boring I felt that feeling when you feel like your eyes probably have a weird film on them that we refer to as being glazed-over. Aren't you glad that that "look" of glaze is on the inside and the person you are glazing-over to cannot see the glaze? It doesn't happen to me often because for the most part I am genuinely interested in what people have to say and I am an active listener but there are some times with some people that my eyes become giant Krispy Kremes.

Glazed TTFN!

Okay, I had better wrap up before you get glaze on your keyboard or iphone or whatever you read this glaze of glory on. Have a great day and hopefully the podcast will be up tonight though I am pretty confident that it will be. TTTT....MITM (glazing out!)

Keep Your Butt To Yourself!

I usually end the blogs with thanking you for stopping by and for reading the blog but I want to start today's blog by letting you know that when I say that I really do mean it. It means a lot to me that you take time out of your life to read what I have to say especially since it's usually nonsense. There are so many things that you could be doing and you decide to stop here for a little bit and that makes me really happy even at the end of each month when my Uncle FLOyd usually visits. You can always chalk-it-up to your good deed of the day. Thank you very much!

Keep your stinky butts to yourself

I am extremely tired and have to get to sleep so forgive me if I go astray - like you'd know the difference from any of the previous couple of years worth of blogs.

Why is throwing cigarette  butts out of car windows or on the ground not littering. I passed a place near a storm drain and there were hundreds of poor homeless cigarette butts trying to survive on the streets. They had been abandoned by the ones who previously loved them and kissed them and now they were abandoned like trash in the street. I guess nobody really stops us from littering if we are so inclined. When is the last time you hear of someone being fined or arrested for littering? Give a hoot don't throw you cigarette butts ooot (that's for our Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, North Dakota, South Dakota and Canadian friends. And whoever else speaks like Bob and Doug McKenzie. (incidentally, these are probably among the nicest people in the world)

I am going to make a prediction that there will be a large influx in new children actors on television and in the movies over the next ten years or so. The trend will probably go on indefinitely. In 1980 one out of every 53 births was/were twins and according to statistics finally complied from 2009 one in thirty births resulted in twins. Obviously, well seemingly obvious to me, the great number of fertility treatments has resulted in multiple births. I would not want to begrudge anyone the chance to be a parent but maybe there is a reason that we could not all have children. The reason I say more children actors, you may have already figured out, it because most small children actors are twins due to child labor laws and kids getting tired on movie sets... Mary Kate and Ashley what hath though wrought?

I really hope fertility is decided case by case because I think I know of a group of people who do not need to have children. In Cook County, Illinois (which the largest city in that county is Chicago) it is legal for first cousins to get married if they are over 50-years-old. I am sure it's because after fifty people are not likely to have children so maybe cousins wouldn't reproduce together and have three-headed twins though I would watch their television show if they did. Who really wants to marry their first cousin? Better yet - who wants to get married at 50-years-old? I may shack-up with some dame but I ain't gettin' married over by there! So even though I only gots two broad cousins don't be gettin' no ideas about gettin' your meat-hooks into me cuz cuz I don't swim in my own gene pool! Sorry!!! I may change my mind when I'm fifty, who knows?

Yesterday morning I said I was going to the Meyer store but I changed my mind and went to Meijer instead.

I have a question and I would like to know your opinion/thoughts. Firstly, let me preface this by saying that when I go out to eat I usually tip at about 20%. That is my starting point and even if the server really sucks I generally don't go below 15%. Here is my dilemma/question: do you tip if you order carry-out and pick it up? I say no but I want to know if I am wrong so I can correct this if I find that I may be wrong. A gratuity is usually given to a server for their performance. If I tip on carry-out who gets the tip? The kitchen really did most of the work but you know damn well that the person who took that order over the phone and only handed me a bag is gonna keep that money. I know they work hard too and probably take a lot of crap from a lot of people but...? I guess I tip pizza delivery people but they have to pay for their fuel and vehicle maintenance. I really don't know but I lean toward no. I am open-minded in this MATTer and will decide based on all of your input. And if I do it's probably only a couple of bucks right?

Listen to Dirty Laundry Podcast!!!! (like how I subliminally snuck it in here?)

I heard that the new Celebrity Apprentice  cast has been named. How does Donald Trump have time to spend with Clay Aiken and Lou Ferigno and Arsenio Hall and Tia Carrere and run for President at the same time?. Would his apprentice be his running-mate (Vice President)? Now if Tia Carrere took my carry-out order and she was my 50-year-old twin cousin I would tip her for sure! Lou Ferigno too I think.

I can tell that I am getting very sleepy so I had better grind this blog to a screeching halt - too late. Thanks again for dropping in. I hope you have a great weekend. I will try to discover some cool things in the world over the weekend while I am working so I have a super blog for you on Monday. TTTM....M@ITM (out to hush-a-bye mountain) TA!

Sight, Weight & Reunions/Unions!

I never thought to check the dog for my glasses

I love when I sit down to write the blog and I have no idea what to write. Sometimes I have nothing to blog but I blog it anyway.

I have always had really good eye-sight but with age, like it seems to with most people, that has changed a bit. Hey, why do we call it eye-sight but we don't call it ear-hear or nose-smell? Anyway, I still have really good sight but small words or writing in a poorly lit room have become to look like scribbles. My rods and cones aren't rodding and coning like they used to. I suppose they have been on the job quite a few years and many of them have retired and with the budget cuts and rod and cone crisis they have not hired replacements and are working on a skeleton crew. Anyway, I have been relegated to be one of those people that wears reading glasses (just magnifiers really) when I read. I look like Santa Claus with the glasses on the end of my nose so I can see the stuff I can see without glasses and the stuff I cannot with glasses. So, I have lost misplaced another pair of glasses. I used to try to help Cha Cha find her glasses and wondered how somebody could lose their glasses all the time but now I am one of those glasses-losers that I used to wonder about. It always struck me funny to see people who could not see without glasses looking for their glasses - the irony was never lost on me but now the irony IS ME! I guess I am going to have to get one of those beaded necklaces so I can keep my glasses around my neck like a 1930's librarian but first I have to go get some new glasses today.

Supposedly Justin Timberland proposed to Jessica Biel. I am a big fan of love and I hope this works out for them. They both seem very nice but if they do get married I put the over/under at 3 years. I hate to be cynical about love and marriage but for some reason marriages either doesn't work in Hollywood or maybe some people just do it for more press. I wish them the best and I hope they help to rid my of some of my cynicism. I heard Russell Brand and Katey Perry are getting divorced but my sources on this one are a bit shaky....unless this proves true then my source's stock goes up considerably! Buy low!!!

Speaking of Hollywood break-ups I also heard that Van Halen, with David Lee Roth, are performing together at a small New York club tonight. I was invited but I have to work so I had to pass on the invite (okay I wasn't invited and I probably would have called in sick had I been - allegedly). There are even rumors that they are planning a 2012 concert tour. I will pass along details as they become known to me.

I am hearing all of the stories about all of the newest and trendiest diets since the new year began. I was very heavy as recently as about three years ago and I know what worked for me. People ask me all the time, "how did you lose all the weight?" I respond that I did it the way they told us that would work for all of these years; I ate properly and exercised. I recently stopped eating properly and didn't work-out as much as I should have and the pounds started creeping back on me. Portion-size and food selection are huge (no pun intended). I used Weight-Watchers on-line to get started but then stopped and did it myself after I figured out what I always knew already but that helped me be focused. As far as working out I just started small and then as I started seeing results I pushed a little more and then more... I know this is a big time of year for people to try to lose weight and I write this for you who are trying that and for me so I can remain focused in my goal of losing thirty pounds by summer (15 of which I had already lost but somehow it found it's way home to me).

Okay, if I can see well enough I think I am heading to the Meyer store in St. Charles to get a few pair of new "cheater" glasses. They have a great selection and most of them are less expensive than any other ones I have seen. I think I will pick up some Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers frozen dinners while I am there too. Have a great day and good luck with all of what you wish to do today and beyond! TTTT....M@ITM (out to try to "see" the world close-up)!