Pulvus Et Umbra Sumus

Thank goodness my weekend is finally here. It has been a tough week. I have been working on fighting this cold and I think I am finally in the lead though colds have a tendency to make a surge just to lose in the end. My mom has been in the hospital(s) for nearly a week now. I am going to go over to see her from 11:00 - noon this morning, The visiting hours in the behavioral health area are from 11:00-12:00 and from 18:00-19:00. I did not go last night because I had been feeling poorly and I did not want to get people there sick; they have enough on their plates there.

This is not really that far-off as to what it is really like

Mom has been diagnosed with suffering from advanced stages of dementia. Though, she does not seem to be suffering which is a bit of a consolation. She has had dementia for some time now but this is the first time the doctors attached the word "advanced" to it. Before she was moved to the behavior health unit one of the psychologists in the other hospital asked her a few questions. He asked her what year it was and she could not even give an answer. She was asked if she knew where she was and she could not answer correctly even given multiple choices (one being "the hospital") and then she was asked if she knew who I was and she said that I was her brother. I like my Uncle Rick (her brother) a great deal but I know that I am not him. To find that I actually am her other brother and not her son, after all these years, would be a made-for-television movie wouldn't it?

When we visit her we are in an open area where all the patients that are able to receive visitors are gathered sitting in chairs. Some get up and walk around, some throw plastic cups across the room at other patients, some scream obscenities, some place paper towels on their heads like hats, some yell because they know there is water in the little kitchen area and are incenses that they cannot have any more water, some talk on the telephone to people that are not there (actually having arguments with nobody on the other end because the phone only works when the people running the ward turn the phone on). It is pretty heartbreaking. It, in all seriousness, was well-depicted in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. At least my mom has people that come and visit her (my dad goes the two times every day like he is allowed) and I go when I am not working. I am glad that she is not violent like she has been in the past with her dementia. Those times were even tougher on both dad and I. I suppose that came out of frustration and fear so we just accepted it for what it was. Tomorrow or Tuesday another psychiatrist is going to meet with dad and I to discuss the next steps he/she recommends for her treatment. I know what I believe needs to happen but that is not my decision to make as I am just a consigliere from time-to-time. There are so many factors that go into making these decisions: sentimental, moral, financial, practical, medical, reasonable... Life is messy a lot of the time.

I really do not have much more on my mind but I know people have been wondering and I have not had much time to write until this morning. I suppose writing is my church or meditation or release or whatever. We all have something that we use to feel like we are not alone though, as I am finding out yet again, in the grand scheme of things each one of are, in all reality, alone. Yes, we have friends and loved-ones and co-workers and we struggle through every day wondering what our purposes are but, in the end, we are but shadows and dust.

Sorry to be so maudlin this morning but being sick and tired (hey, that is a real thing isn't it?) always does that to me. I thank you, so very much, for always letting me spout my oft typographically-challenged rantings. I will keep you filled-in as to the progression or regression of the situation. Writing always helps me release and it is so much less expensive than therapy I suppose. I also use humor (or at least there attempt thereof) to mask my true sadness, pain and sorrow most of the time. If I can entertain myself maybe I am not all that bad off. Living in ones' own mind is pretty lonely I have come to learn.

Thanks again and I will keep you updated when I can. TTT (probably) tomorrow...MITM (out) TA!