Well, as promised, I am going to go off on several tangents based on the notes I took while chauffeuring a 13-year-old across the middle states at up to 85 miles per hour. This may turn out to be like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry took notes for his stand-up routine in the middle of the night and couldn't make out the notes or their meaning in the morning so...hold onto your hat.
I love those new Colgate Wisps...brushing my teeth while driving. Now I have more time to be unemployed.
Why in the heck is there a mini-van driving on the Indiana/Michigan border with a surfboard on the top? Is he preparing for 2012 already? Talk about surf's up!
Wow, this next note is ironic given my opening paragraph of this blog - tried to think of jobs I could do for a job and thought of this from an episode of Seinfeld:
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that..that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn’t even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that’s really not fair.
How much harder would this trip have been by covered-wagon? I have no right complaining about anything but I will continue to complain because that's what men do (my 53% rule).
We men definitely have an advantage over the smarter sex when it comes to our plumbing. If I really had to I could keep driving and fill up a Gatorade bottle but fortunately Indiana and Ohio have their Travel Centers spaced out just perfectly.
Do you think the guy who invented the tilt steering wheel foresaw the invention of texting? I am driving at an illegal rate of speed with my knees while illegally texting..(allegedly).
Dude Food (don't know what it means but probably from my son eating Slim Jims and Goldfish in the backseat) DudeFood (patent pending).
Do not send in your Census. I took the Census takers (enumerators) test so I could have my liver eaten with some fava beans and a nice chianti. If we all send them back I won't get a chance to meet a lot of interesting people while acting like Dog The Bounty Hunter (would get my walking in). I cannot believe how much time and money our government must be spending telling us to send this back in. I got a letter saying the Census was coming, I got the Census, I got a letter stating that I should have gotten the Census and I watch commercials from huge stars telling me to send in my Census. They say it doesn't cost anything but who are they kidding? I am the dope they're looking for though...I sent in my Census (costing myself a job); what a sheep I am. Money well spent government.
I have more but this is getting long again (that's what she said) so I will stop for now. I do have to mention one more thing because I want this word to catch on. Jill and I were watching the DVR of The Celebrity Apprentice. Bret Michaels (Poison, Rock of Love) is on it this season. He said a word that I think will change America. He said he has become "Discomboobulated." He was trying to say discombobulated. It makes me think that the word "boob" isn't used enough. You can call someone a boob (Brett Michaels), you can sent someone to the booby-hatch and if Breast Cancer was referred to as Boob Cancer I think a lot more people would be willing to talk about it and there would be more awareness. Believe me, there are few things in the world more entertaining than boobs (take that how you wish).
A lot more notes to come next time...Matt The Boob out!
"The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli"
No comments:
Post a Comment