I Didn't Even Know the Sun was for Sale!

Last night I seemed to be sleeping pretty well but then I rolled over with the face mask attached to the Darth Vader machine and the whole machine fell to the floor in three pieces (not broken - they are separate pieces) and the water from the humidifier part was spilling all over. That seemed to add quite a bit of excitement to my slumber. Speaking of slumber I am going to do the review on Middle Movie Reviews for that insomnia movie I blogged about last night right after I post this blog.

Global warming has its up-side!

While I was driving to Fabio's basketball game in Belvidere today I heard Tom Skilling on the radio say that the last nine months were warmer than their month's average. Global warming! I have made an important scientific discovery as it relates to global warming; when ice cream consumption increases in the world so does the number of drownings. It's a fact...global warming will mean more drownings. Oh, and while I am on the subject of theories the "A" team lost (Fabio didn't play) 40-33 and the "B" team won (with Fabio) 29-26. The "A" team is 4-7 and the "B" team is 9-2. My Fabio theory lives on!

A Lady from Spain, 49-year-old Angeles Duran,  has registered herself as the owner of the sun - yes THE sun.  She said that there’s no international law to prevent it so she started the process in September after reading about a man from America who registered himself as the owner of the moon and most of the other planets in our solar system.  According to an international agreement no nation may claim ownership of any of the planets or stars (including the sun) but it says nothing about individuals not being able to own these heavenly bodies.  She states,"there was no snag. I backed my claim legally. I am not stupid; anyone could have done it, it just occurred to me first."  

How do I get to own this place?

She supposedly filed for and was granted ownership by some moronic local notary who has given her papers granting her this ownership. According to the United Nations' Outer Space Treaty (yes, there really is one), "outer space is not subject to national appropriation by claim of sovereignty, by means of use or occupation, or by any other means." Do we owe her for suntans now? Can we sue her for sunburns? I want to represent all of the ants that have been magnified to death by her sun's raise. "Madam your sun killed my ant...what are you going to do about it?" I am not sure If I want to own the Milkyway or the Big Dipper but I think I need to jump on this celestial bandwagon before all of the prime interplanetary real estate is gobbled up. 

I had a bunch of other fascinating things to blog about but I can't find the notebook that I wrote them in but that's okay because I need to try to keep these shorter anyway (TWSS). Tomorrow is December and the Christmas cartoons have already started. I am happy to have the DVR because Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer was on the same time as How the Grinch Stole Christmas tonight. Those are the two best ones and they put them on against each other? Where's the holiday spirit ABC and CBS? Humbugs! I vote for Rudolf.


I'll blog you again tomorrow. I give plasma in the morning; let's see if blood flows as fast when it's below freezing outside - come on bloodal warming. TTTT....MITM (ooooot).

Fragile' - Read with Caution!

Can I open that for you?

Who invented pockets? I think that's one of the most overlooked "inventions" of all time. Without pockets I couldn't be a Swiss Army Person. Now that summer is over and I can't sanely wear cargo shorts I went out and bought a couple of pairs of cargo pants. "Pairs" ...that seems odd since "pair" is already plural but I bought a pair of a pair so that would be pairs wouldn't it?


Yesterday when Sugar Momma and I took Splenda to catch her ride back south to school we stopped and ate at Cheeseburger In Paradise in Lombard. I have been there before but I will Yelp it in the next couple of days. When we were just about to get on I-355 to get back to I-88 there was a lady with a sign standing at the stop light. Her sign said "Single Mother. Homeless and hungry." Sugar Momma had a great question; where are her children? There are always flaws in these franchisees' business plans (no kids, $1000 racing bikes...). You have to own the role; be committed to your craft. 

It's a Major Award!

Over the weekend Fabio put almost all of the Christmas decorations up himself. He did a lot of it while I was at work Saturday. Today I put up the lights on the gutters and the wreath over the front door. It was great that he did it all. I suggested just buying a "fragile" leg lamp and having that as our only decoration. I think that's when he decided to get all of the stuff up before I bought the "major award." I guess Sugar Momma and I will do that when our elf Christmas decorating crew moves out. You can can even buy one that is shipped to you in a wooded crate just like in A Christmas Story. They also have one that the base is signed by the actors who played Ralphie and Randy and Scott Farkas and Grover Dill and Flick and others but I cannot remember who. Hey, when's the Geneva Christmas Walk? I wanna go this year (they actually have chestnuts roasting on open fires).


Did you hear about the guy who fell to his death at the Bears game yesterday at Soldier Field? I haven't heard the cause yet though they said he may have just fallen or they suggested that he was some kind of a building climber like Spider Dan or something. Wasn't it the last Bear's home game where the news showed some drunk guy who had climbed up on a brontosaurus outside of the Field Museum next to Soldier Field and was pretending to ride it? What the heck is going on at Soldier Field? Most of the times I have been there I have been so drunk that I don't remember much. Oh, maybe I answered my own question.  Speaking of that, they are still selling that Four Loko in Dekalb if you're looking for it. That's the energy drink/alcoholic beverage that has been at the forefront of all the controversy. We also have all of the flavors of the alcoholic whipped cream out here in the MIDDLE of the corn too for all of your holiday needs.

Whipped Lightning Go Whipped Lightning!

My sleeping is going a little better for the last couple of nights. I am using the C-PAP machine. I think one of my problems without the machine was that I was getting stuffed up in the MIDDLE of the night and I would wake up. I must have allergies of some type which is also why the Benadryl helps me get to sleep but it must wear off throughout the night and I wake up. I tried the radio to have something boring to focus on and that helped a little but one thing that I used to do and had forgotten about was to make my body "fall asleep" a little at a time. One of the suggestions I received made me remember that. I start at my feet and concentrate on them until they fall asleep and slowly work my way up my body one section at a time until I am gone. I guess it's kind of like mind/body control or meditation (MATTitation) or something. It's only been two nights but I think I may be onto something. Thanks for the help MIDDLERS!

Shorter than the average blog as Cyber Monday comes to an end. Basketball today - "A" team lost and "B" team won (Fabio didn't play "A" so they lost again he ran the "B" offense and they won by 20). Blog you again tomorrow. I watched a good movie about insomnia today. It was a Christian Bale movie that I hadn't heard of but I will review in on MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS tomorrow. Patience is a virtue. TTTT...MITM

I'm Super, Thanks for Askin'

Happy sundae, I thought of that cleverness last night but now it's not even as cold as it's been so I guess it's only a Sunday and not a sundae so Happy Sunday! This is the blog where I try to secretly mention all the people who tried to help me figure out how to stay asleep in a previous blog. It's like a word search within a blog...revolutionary. I slept better last night because of a few of their helpful suggestions. Not good but better.

Remember that cartoon Sherman and Peabody? You know, the dog, Mr. Peabody, who was a genius and wore glasses and his boy Sherman. Sugar Momma was watching it on Netflix last night; I know I talk about Netflix a lot lately but it's cold outside and it has been a holiday weekend and all. She had on the very first episode, I hadn't seen that one. It seems that Mr. Peabody actually rescues Sherman from an orphanage by adopting him. There was some big stink about "how can a dog adopt a boy?" But then someone said "if a boy can own a dog why can't a dog own a boy?" So, Peabody got to adopt Sherman and they went on to have a successful career in cartoon short films. I would rather watch a movie about Sherman and Peabody than I would about Yogi Bear. Speaking of the Yogi Bear movie, and maybe I blogged this before, but why have Dan Akroyd and Justin Timberlake do the voices if you just going to alter them to make them sound like Yogi and Boo Boo anyway? Save the money and have me and Greg Weindorf do the voices. I do a great Boo Boo (TWSS).

I wish I smoked so I could stop.

Yesterday at work a couple of guys passed me and one said "hi Matt" and I said "hi" back. As they got past me to the right I swear I saw one of them whisper to the other one that "he's gay." I would have thought I was mistaken but I saw him repeat it when the first one didn't hear him the first time though I could still be wrong. I guess it's kind of a compliment but I just wonder what makes me seem gay? I don't wear my wedding ring because it is too big for me now. I am nice which may be considered a feminine trait though I know a lot of nice guys and a lot of jerky girls (not you, of course). I am not overly neat, not even close in fact. I guess I am thin-ish. I just wonder what makes me seem gay - NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!  Maybe because I do a good Boo Boo voice and want to play Sherman in a movie? I dig chicks (I have this song on my pink i-Pod - Roz) so if I have feminine qualities I am happy, or gay.

I feel totally vindicated on the whole "extended warranty" controversy. I have never taken the extended warranties because A) I am cheap, B) they are a rip-off and C) you can usually pay for the repairs or buy a new whatever cheaper than what they charge for the warranty. I have seen two separate reports by experts like Rachelle Barclay in the last couple of days that say they are rip-offs. Just say no to extended warranties.

How come when you go to a store or restaurant that has a revolving door next to a "regular" door do they make you use the revolving door? I suppose this time of year it's because the revolving door keeps the cold wind out better but I outgrew loving the revolving door when I was about seven years old. Why even have a revolving door in the first place? I think when inventor Debbie Thompson came up with the idea for the revolving door she must have had stock in a glass company because a revolving door takes about four times more glass.

I am watching football and there was just an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty called. I have never thought about it before but isn't it crazy to have guys pounding the snot out of each other but then a guy complains about a call and he is unsportsmanlike?

My blogs probably aren't getting better but they seem to be getting easier to write since I don't seem to be able to keep them short. That being blogged I am going to end here with more in my notebook. Good luck tomorrow if you are a Cyber Monday shopper. Either way have a nice Monday. I still need to let you know how my sleeping has improved but it's only been one night at this point so I will let you know tomorrow to see if it is better two nights in a row. TTTT...MITM!

Phi Blogga Jamma

I just got home from work - I like working basketball games. Tomorrow Splenda heads back to college. It was great having her home. She will be back in a couple of weeks for Christmas break. Today she visited a couple of old boyfriends from high school. One was her first official boyfriend (unless we count DeVoniss when Splenda was real young) and the other was her second boyfriend. They share an apartment together now. I immediately thought of There's Something About Mary. I may have to Netflix that movie, it's a good one. I am just wondering which one is Woogie and which one is Ted.


Speaking of old movies. last night I was trying to convince Fabio to watch Teen Wolf with me. He was very reluctant probably the same way I was when my dad wanted to watch The Dirty Dozen or High Plains Drifter...when I was a kid. I finally convinced him with talk of how good he gets at basketball when he becomes the wolf. So, we watched it together and he ended up rating in 4 stars. I had forgotten how funny that movie was and even more so now when the 80's stuff is retro. Didn't Teen Wolf become a Saturday morning cartoon too? If you get a chance watch it again...for MIDDLE-time sake.

Do they still sell dog whistles? How do you know if a dog whistle works before you buy it? They had a dog whistle in Teen Wolf and I had forgotten all about dog whistles. 
   

Beverly Thompson and family (assumed)

Sugar Momma and Splenda went shopping last night (Black Friday Night) downtown DeKalb. One of the places they went was Moxie. Moxie is a really cool store (I apparently think the word cool is cool) right downtown that sells a lot of silly things that you can't find anywhere else. Also, on the third floor I think, they have resale clothing items and such. A couple of years ago I got a pair of Italian leather shoes for like $18.00; they are really cool shoes. I have always (well, since I got the shoes) said that some guy probably died wearing the shoes in Sicily or somewhere in Italy. Sugar Momma is really into vintage purses right now; she buys them and uses them. Yesterday she bought three. I only have one wallet and it goes with all of my outfits. Anyway...she was moving stuff over to one of the purses and it had a billfold in one of the pockets. It wasn't like The Brady Bunch or The Andy Griffith Show when Opie and Greg and Peter found money but I think it's better...pieces of the purse's history. The wallet has a bank book that says "SAVINGS DEPARTMENT BANK OF INDEPENDENCE INDEPENDENCE, MO."... It's the account of Beverly Thompson of 8501 E. 27th, Kansas City, MO. The account was opened September 17, 1941 and the last entry was December 15, 1946, a year after WWII ended. There's photos of Beverly and her family. Her husband appears to have been an Army officer who probably fought in WWII. It looks like they had four children and there's a photo of her in a car. There's a Blue Cross and Blue Shield card from 1947. There are a lot of medical cards and doctor's numbers in the wallet and she was also a Kansas City member of Beta Sigma Phi. There are several small notes with phone numbers in her handwriting. It's weird how a person who I have never known, nor will I ever know, becomes so central in my mind for a moment in time. The children in these photos are probably in their mid to late 60's. I will obsess over this for a couple of weeks. So maybe I have haunted shoes and Sugar Momma has haunted purses; I'd walk on the other side of the street when you see us coming if I were you; like you already don't.

I have a lot more to write but I have been writing too much lately so I will stop. Tomorrow I will mention (very shortly) about my further sleeping adventures and those of you who have helped my pursuit of sleep. Have a nice Sunday morning and I will blog you again sometime tomorrow. TTTT...MITM out!

Life Would be a Blog Sweetheart!

cue the music

Today's secret word is "sleep." Say the secret word and divide a mention in a future Matt In The Middle blog between you...And now, here he is, the one the ONLY ... BLAGGO ...

Today's secret word is "sleep"

I didn't know why I used the opening for Your Bet You Life to start this blog until I typed it and remembered that the re-runs were on in the MIDDLE of the night and I was awake watching them. I don't think I even slept well when I was younger; well, that's not true I could always sleep on a gym floor or on a bus. That's the whole purpose of today's blog - sleep therapy. Being Black Friday you will probably be tired and if you're reading this blog why aren't you sleeping? Seriously, I thought maybe writing about my sleeping problems would trigger something in my b.b. (you'll shoot your eye out) brain or that maybe you would have some suggestions. So I guess this blog is a little self-analysis and you are my assistant therapists.

It would probably become my tomb

Four of my problems that cause me not to stay asleep are my eyes and my ears. My eyes seem to be very sensitive to light even when closed and my ears are very sensitive to sound even when I'm asleep. I love it completely dark and completely silent. I have always wanted to try one of those sensory-deprivation tanks where you are immersed in water like in the movie (I can't remember the name of the movie so let me consult IMDB through Middle Movie Reviews - shameless / shameful plug) Altered States (1980). I am like a living motion/light detector. I have a face mask that I wear sometimes to drown out the light (it says "out of order" on it but that's a lie) and I have tried to sleep with my I-pod plugging my ears but then I would not be able hear the alarm in the morning. I have two of those sound-effect machines and I have down-loaded the ocean sounds for Roz but nothing works. Even sleep-aids like Benadryl help me get to sleep but don't lengthen my visit to slumberland. Additionally, I know that it's my job as the dad to protect my family and I need all of my senses to ward off any looming danger or cries in the night. I am a bundle of neurosis.

Sugar Momma says I look like Darth Vader

I used to snore thunderously and Sugar Momma said I would wake up in the MIDDLE of the night gasping for air. I underwent a sleep-study maybe six or seven years ago and they found that I stopped breathing like 400 times an hour or some ridiculous number (I cannot remember the exact amount of times I died an hour). So, I got a C-Pap Machine that forced air through my nose all night so I wouldn't stop breathing. It was somewhat uncomfortable to sleep with (not that unlike me - TWSS) so I stopped using it. After I lost all my weight (nearly 100 pounds) I was thinking that was a big part of the problem but it seems maybe it is a separate issue (at least I feel better while I'm supposed to be awake now). I don't know that it actually helped me sleep either but maybe I will try it again tonight - no, I WILL TRY IT AGAIN TONIGHT.

I have heard that sleeplessness comes from: stress (my stress source has changed but I seem to need stress to survive), guilty conscience from past lives (who knows?), health issue (maybe allergies?), too sedentary (I am always busy and work-out like a fiend), diet (I eat fairly healthy now)...

I guess this is where I put the photo of Lucy Van Pelt that I have used so many time before to beg for your psychiatric counsel. I would gladly pay you Cyber Monday for some psychiatric help today. Even if you can't help me maybe this blog will help put you asleep. I should be the poster-boy for the saying "I'll have plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead." With my luck I will be forced to haunt somebody for all of eternity and still won't be able to rest...it my be you (wouldn't it be weird if I died right after posting this blog?)! Help me Obi Wan Kanobi...you're my only hope.

Have a good Black Friday night. I hope you got everything you were Black Fridaying for and I hope you sleep well tonight while I don't because I will be haunting you. TTTT...MITM!..........boo!

Bloghouse Rock - Black Friday

Open the doors and let the trampling begin...

The sales fliers are hung by the dashboard with care in hopes that Black Friday will soon be here. The day we have all been waiting for all year, Black Friday, is upon us.

The term Black Friday was first used on September 24, 1869 by a Philadelphia newspaper to describe the day of a stock market catastrophe when gold speculators tried and failed to corner the market and caused the market to collapse and stock prices to plummet; now Black Friday tries to do that to our personal finances once a year.

In the late 19th / early 20th centuries the phrase Black Friday turned toward retail sales. Retailers like Macy’s and Gimbel’s sponsored Santa Parades and Thanksgiving Day Parades to promote their products for the upcoming shopping bonanza. It became an unwritten rule amongst thieves (I mean retail giants) that they would not advertise their wares until after the parade had ended so the day after Thanksgiving then became the busiest shopping day of the year. The phrase Black Friday was then applied to this day because it was historically the day that the retailers would begin to show a profit for the year. They would switch from the red ink in their pens (no profit) to black ink (profit) thus being called Black Friday. It seems Black Friday has become an American tradition of greed and excess since 1869.

Today millions of hunters make their pre-dawn safari treks to the Seregetdi of their choice to bag the big game so they can hang the head of this year’s Mario and Luigi or Cabbage Patch Kids or Teddy Ruxpin above their mantles. According to Mall Cops Season I on Netflix over 185,000 people will invade The Mall of America tomorrow (I just made that the movie of the week on MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS in honor of this special day).

One year I was swept up by the thrill of the hunt. The year was 2002? I was in Macomb, Illinois. It was hours before dawn and I positioned myself amidst hundreds of other hunters in the crisp night air outside the entrance of Wal-Mart National Hunting Ground. I eyed my competition and gazed into the fighting arena of the Coliseum planning my course of action in my mind. I needed one thing and one thing only to call my safari a success; I was determined to bag the elusive Razor Scooter. I had heard many tales of the mythical creature but I was determined to capture the beast. Bwana opened the gates and I fought my way through the brush in search of the Mighty Kong. My determination paid off as I foraged to the clearing and eyed my prey. I was one of the first hunters to arrive and I was able to grab TWO of the prizes - THEY DO EXIST!!! I exclaimed proudly to myself. As I made my may to the game warden (cash register) I passed all of the disappointed hunters who knew they were too late to bag the big one. As I proudly walked to the exit I wondered to myself “why did you take two of these things Scrooge McDuck?” I passed a woman who looked very dejected and asked her if she was looking for a scooter as to which she sadly said “yes.” I handed her one of the prizes that I had slain, smiled and said “Merry Christmas.” I felt better although her son or daughter probably ended up breaking their leg on the darned thing but at least they were happy Christmas morning. That was my one and only Black Friday expedition and I lived to blog the tale (seriously). Last year a New York Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death and 2 shoppers were shot in a dispute at a Toys R Us in California. It is so easy to get caught up in the fervor so I suggest you “JUST SAY NO!” to Black Friday hunting because they cannot all turn out to be Goodwill Hunting as mine did (LOL - I kill me).

Wednesday night as I am writing this (Thanksgiving Eve or Black Friday Eve Eve as I like to call it) we were ding-dong ditched. Is this a new Black Friday Eve Eve tradition? Dark forces are at work on this the unholy time of year - Black Friday!

Today we will load up on the amino acid known as tryptophan and all the carbs and sugar we can stomach in preparation for tomorrow's big day. We need the carbs to battle for the deals we cannot live without and the turkey provides the tryptophan so we can be rested up to release the carb and sugar rages provided by all of the pies and breads and potatoes... After we fill ourselves with our battle foods we lie on the couch to watch shopping training films supplied historically by the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys. Then we turn in early so we can be in line at Kohl’s by 2:00 AM so we are there when the doors open at 3 and then off to Wal-Mart and Target at 4:00AM. I just saw a commercial that Toys R Us is starting their sales Thanksgiving Night and staying open right on through Black Friday. Is nothing sacred? Just for that let’s boycott Toys R Us on Cyber Monday; that’s a whole ‘nother story.

I heard a report that this weekend is expected to bring $40,000,000 in retail sales. Sugar Momma remembers that last year the sales got better and better the closer it got to Christmas as the retailers didn’t do the business they expected on Black Friday. Here’s to hoping that happens again so the maniacs who go out to try to bag this year’s scooter feel like idiots for a month. The same way that I have for about eight years though I never repeated that fateful trip that started from this tropic port upon this tiny ship. I learned a valuable lesson that year; rather than experience Black Friday again I'd rather "shoot my eye out, kid!"

OMG - Black Friday has it's own Facebook Page - don't "Like" it...don't "Like" it!

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and give thanks that I will not be amongst the masses. I suggest you too sleep in and enjoy your long weekend. If you must go out please be careful and remember to take photos and video.

WWJD? - Read My Blog That's What!

I decided to wait until tomorrow to do the Annual Black Friday Tribute. It's more timely if it's on Black Friday Eve! Make sure you catch it because it comes but once a year.

On the way home from Plasmatown today I stopped by the store. I had two items that I needed to get. While I was walking through the parking lot back to the car I realized that my receipt said that I had purchased 26 items and I had only gotten one thing on my list of two. How I can I go to the store to get two things and not even get one of them? Especially when I have a list? That's why I carry a notepad with me all the time for when I have blog ideas but if I actually read the notes in the notebook I bet I haven't even blogged half of them.

When I was driving out of the parking lot with less items than I needed but more items than I wanted I saw one of the guys that holds the signs asking for money ahead. Before I got there I came to a sign on a stick sticking out of the top of a traffic cone announcing that he was ahead with a pre-message about his plight. When I got up to him I read how he lost his job, his wife and kids left him and he was broke and then at the bottom it read "WWJD?" Jesus would probably return that brand new racing bicycle with the rear rack that's locked up to the light pole on the other side of the street and use the $600+ he got back to buy food. I hate to seem unsympathetic but I don't buy it. I feel for people who are really on hard times but what's up with the bike? I should have offered him a hundred bucks for the bike; it's a lot better than my Murray bike that I have had for about 20 years. WWJD? I wonder if this guy is a franchisee for this business. Maybe WWJD stands for Why Won't Jou Donate in a mafia accent. You're a mean one Mr. Blog...(always the cynic).

If you're looking for a good recipe to take over the river and through the woods...to pass tomorrow consider this recipe for The best damn Cranberry Relish you will ever eat! It's from my friend in Portugal Jennifer St. Martin. If anybody knows Thanksgiving it's the people of Portugal. Seriously...she is a great source for all things nutritiously delicious. Also check out her recipe page Jen St's Favorite Recipes for other great healthy food ideas.

I am tired of hearing all of the complaints about airport security and the full body scans and the pat-downs. We want to be safe but we don't want to have to be inconvenienced by arriving a little earlier and having to wait in line for a little while longer. The rules are in place for our safety and the people there are just doing the things we wanted to be done. We need to respect police officers, fire fighters, security personnel... because they are providing services for our well-being. (personally I think PETA goes a little too far sometimes but I thought this graphic was funny and fitting here)

You can tell it's the end of the month by my crabby blog today can't you? "Matt-Stru-Ation...A Milton Bradley Game!" Ironically, I am in a pretty good mood but my crabbiness trumps my good mood.

I heard on the radio today that the guy they have in custody for the murder of NIU student Toni Keller said that he had to throw away a pair of shoes because they were covered in so much blood that he couldn't get it out. The police have been searching the landfill for the shoes. I am assuming that means that he has confessed or partially confessed to the murder. Then I wondered why did he flee if he was going to confess anyway? Then I realized that he probably knew he was going to be captured and that's why he was using his credit cards that eventually lead to his being caught. He was probably running his credit cards to the limit living out that question "what would you do if you had only one day left...?" knowing that he would never have to pay the bills. I hope he was right and he was living out his last days of freedom.

Be sure to tune in (or login) tomorrow for the Black Friday Tribute. I don't know what I am going to write but it will be spectacular. Also tune in to WGN Channel 9 tomorrow at 11:00 AM MIDDLEtime (or DVR it) and watch Boz, Ray and Gar. It's one of the funniest things I have ever seen about Bozo's Circus and Ray Rayner (and Garfield Goose). You have to see it. TTTTG (tg = thanksgiving)...MITM out!

I Survived Global Warming...For Now

I know I said I wouldn't talk about Fabio's basketball games unless something great or unusual happened so I am already going to talk about his basketball game, sort of. I arrived at the school for the game yesterday and walked in as the tornado sirens were screaming all across the MIDDLE-side to find nobody in sight. I felt like I was in a scene from Omega Man (Omega Man was the original I Am Legend for you non MIDDLE-agers). The halls were baron. I knew that everybody was probably down in a basement somewhere but I didn't know where that was. I just stood in the hallway and thought about going out to the car and just sitting there but I just stood there waiting for my certain doom. soon someone appeared and told me where the basement was so I went to the basement. When I arrived the halls were lined with kids being told to be quiet. as I stood there with all of the kids and 8-9 teachers I thought that it was probably good that I was there. If a disaster did happen I would come in handy to either help save the children from beneath rubble or I would be a larger meal for them if they had to eat the others for survival. Soon the bus for the visiting team arrived and they were brought down to become appetizers for the main Matt meal. But then the all-clear was given and I escaped my certain doom or heroic feat depending on how the scene played itself out. Maybe I need to watch Omega Man again and make it my Netflix Movie Of The Week.The games were played and the "A" team lost 45 - 25 and the "B" team won 30 - 17. Fabio only played the "B" game and he played very well as usual of late. I guess the coach doesn't read my blog - "if Fabio plays they win." Or, maybe he just doesn't want the "A" team to win because he bets on the other teams in Vegas?

Today is the day i can finally profess my love for Miley Cyrus because she is 18 today. Actually I find her pretty annoying but that may just be that goofy Hannah Montana character that she plays. Now that I think about it just about all of those kids actors on The Disney Channel are pretty annoying. They must learn that at Disney Channel Over-acting School. while I'm blogging about annoying people I couldn't help but watch another episode of Sarah Palin's Alaska. I am thankful that I was born in west Germany because if she ever becomes President of the U.S. I may have to invoke plan B and utilize my dual citizenship. My favorite quote for this week's show was when her daughter Bristol was worrying about how she was perceived and Sarah said. "Oh, Bristol, don't be so conscious." I think maybe she meant "self-conscious" but maybe Sarah should take her own advise and stop being so conscious.

The second NFL coach of the season to be fired was fired this week - Brad Childress of the Minnesota Vikings. The lesson to be learned is not to let the Green Bay Packers blow you out. Both coaches that were fired this year were fired right after their teams were soundly beaten by The Packers.

What's going on in the MIDDLEwest with the weather? The week of Thanksgiving and yesterday was near 70 degrees and we had rain and hail and thunder and lightning and a tornado warning. supposedly a tornado got a school bus in Loves Park (maybe it wasn't named by Mother Nature). I guess all of the kids are okay but the bus was tipped over. You cannot convince me that there is not global warming.

Have a nice Tuesday night...Thanksgiving is almost here. I haven't decided whether to do the Black Friday Tribute tomorrow or Thanksgiving day. I will surprise you. Blog you again tomorrow Charo - TTTT...MITM (coochie coochie)

Let Us Give Thanks for a Short Work Week!

cue the original theme music

Happy Thanksgiving week. This week shouldn't be too bad for you working stiffs as it's an abbreviated
week for most of us in the good old U.S. of A.. I know there's those of you who have jobs that require you to work on or the day after Thanksgiving (police, hospitals, media...) but for most of you you'll get a long weekend this next weekend. There are also you who are not in the U.S.A. - seriously, Matt in The Middle is and international phenomenon. Okay, it may not be a phenomenon but it is international! At my last job we always had to work the day after (Friday) Thanksgiving. How the heck was I supposed to enjoy Black Friday if I had to work? I did experience Black Friday one year by using a vacation day but I will save that for a blog later in the week as I do my annual Black Friday Tribute. This is my first year that I will have a blog on Black Friday so it will probably be a one-time tradition. Does that mean I should go out and experience it again just so I can blog about it? I will if Sugar Momma will go with me - there's NO WAY she will so I am pretty certain I am safe. She doesn't even like to shop on Pink and Periwinkle Tuesday.

Yesterday I was going to blog when I got home from work but Fabio, who was going to go see the new Harry Potter movie with a friend yesterday, didn't get to go because his friend was sick. So, last night Fabio and Sugar Momma and I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One. Splenda had already seen it at midnight on the night it came out and she was out with her friends. I didn't realize until this morning that I didn't blog yesterday. If you need to write me up or give me a verbal warning or give me a day off of blog without pay I will understand. I will blog a review of Harry Potter... on Middle Movie Reviews sometime today after I decide how I felt about it.

I didn't eat lunch yesterday and when I got home there was no time to eat before we went to the movie. We drove to the theater and got our tickets and then went to grab some fast food. Steak and Shake is close to our theater so we decided to go to their drive-through and grab something. Steak and Shake pretty much says what they have there - Steak (burgers) and shakes. Bully for them for not falsely advertising their wares. They also have chili and fries and stuff but there isn't much for a vegetarian to eat there. So now I know not to go to Arby's or Steak and Shake. Fab and SM got food and I had popcorn for dinner (no buttery topping). I am sure my digestive system will be thanking me all day today. I also had a 55-gallon drum of Diet Pepsi. I never had to invoke my free refill rights. I usually sneak in my own food to the movies but there was very little prep time for this trip. We haven't gotten a new fondue pot since I accidentally left the last one at the theater when we saw Get Him To The Greek - fondue and movies, a match made in Heaven.

I think I may lie down for a little bit to recover from working all weekend, not sleeping and playing limo driver on Friday night. Hopefully visions of Deathly Hallows will dance in my head so I can multi-task in my slumber. I will let you know when it's there. Have a nice start of your, hopefully, short week and I'll blog you later Turkey and Mashed Potater! TTTL...MITM aus!

Matt In The Middle with a Backstage Pass

I'm pretty tired. I am not complaining I'm just blogging. I got done with work last night at 11:30 and went straight to Arlington Heights to pick up Splenda who rode there with some college friends. We got back home at 2:30AM and then with my great sleeping habits I slept all the way until 6:00AM. Now I have to be at work again in a little over an hour. It's really nice having Splenda home for Thanksgiving break and it's really weird seeing her and Fabio getting along so well. It's nice but it's weird.

Last night at work was great. It's pretty cool walking into work when there are tour buses and equipment semi's everywhere; there's just something about it that i like. Last night I was the person who assisted the Tour Manager and the performers backstage. I don't want to say too much about it because I respect the privacy of the performers and I hope to get this opportunity again but it was really awesome. There's something about being right next to the stairs while the performers go up on stage and standing right there for their shows. I think I could actually grow to like some country music. Tonight is a marching band concert; I don't imagine tonight will be quite as exciting.

Sometimes trying not to stress out stresses me out. Am I alone in this?

I think I have to go see the new Harry Potter movie for Middle Movie Reviews. My entire family, except me, has read all of the books but I have seen all of the movies. Splenda saw it at school Friday morning at 12:00AM but Sugar Momma and Fabio HAVE to see it. I guess if you're gonna have a movie blog you should review one of the year's biggest movies. I don't know how late I will work tonight and I have to work a basketball game tomorrow at noon so it will probably be later tonight or tomorrow night in case you're keeping score at home.

Well I had better get in the shower and get ready for work. I know this wasn't the most exciting blog I have ever done but people don't have time for a blogstravaganza on the weekends. I save the really great blogs for weekdays so you can pass time at work or so you have something to read to take your mind off the fact that you're not working. But then I mention the fact that you're not working and remind you that you're not working. Okay maybe I am still saving the really great blogs for a special occasion that may never come. Enjoy your Saturday Night; I bet there are still tickets available to see the marching band concert if you're looking for something to do. Blog to you tomorrow...xoxo MITM!

Slam Bam Thank You Blog!

Saluute!

I promised a blog today but time is not my friend today so I am giving you a quickie so I am not a liar so don't expect too much from this wham bam thank you Matt.

I am going to work in about twenty minutes; Miranda Lambert concert. As soon as I get done (probably 11PM - 12AM) I am heading to Arlington Heights to pick up Splenda who is getting a ride there from friends from school. I can't wait to see her though it will probably be through slits for eyes.

Last night Sugar Momma and I were watching The Office and since we were watching it live we had to suffer the commercials. There was a Subaru commercial on and some lady was talking about Subaru is so great and she has a better life because of Subaru, blah, blah, blah... Some words showed on the screen in very tiny type saying "individuals were remunerated." I have two degrees and Sugar Momma is working on her third. She works for a publisher and I have written on and off most of my life so I was glad she asked me what it meant so I didn't feel so stupid. We both assumed it meant that she was a paid actress. So, I Googled or Binged it, I can't remember, but it said "to pay a suitable equivalent in return for good provided." I guess she didn't lie...Subaru did make her life better by hiring her to tell a fable about how Subaru changed her life. Who says television is the cause of America's dumbing-down? I learned a new word when I wasn't even trying....thanks again television.

I finished all of my projects I started yesterday: hanging blinds, changing the door locks,... When I do home projects I make Tim "The Toolman" Taylor look like Bob Villa or those dudes on those house make-over shows. But at least I know what remunerated means. By the way, I was not remunerated for these projects. Speaking of Tim Taylor, have you noticed that Tim Allen is the voice-over person of the day right now. I hear his voice on every commercial there is. Why didn't he get the Mr. Peanut gig? It's better to have Mr. Peanut sound like Ironman and Sherlock Holmes than Buzz Lightyear and The Santa Clause?

Alright, I gotta go get my Country Music on. Have a great Friday night (date night for some of you :)) I'll blog you tomorrow to let you know how the concert went Yeehaw Y'all...TTTT...MITM out!

Super Love and Kisses Issue!

I am blogging while watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving...if you're a MIDDLE you have to love this show. I think he's gonna kick that football "clear to the moon;" I was wrong - again. The Dolphins game is on too - they are playing the Bears.

I had a pretty good day today. I had lunch with a friend that I have known since 7th grade. No, it wasn't Laura Ingalls. Though I have known her since 7th grade I didn't really know her until today. I am very sorry it took me so long because she is one of the most amazing people I know and that has nothing to do with the fact that I have a thing for Asian women. Maybe it was because she knows a way to a Matt's heart is by complimenting his blog (TWSS). She was the winner of the "Win a Dream Date with Ox" contest but I was the real winner. It wasn't really a contest but I always have little plays going on in my head.

This morning I went to Lowe's, ironically for those of us "in the know", and I bought blinds for Splenda's bedroom. I have to install them tonight or tomorrow morning because she will be home about midnight tomorrow. I also bought a new lock for the front door. I get to work the next three days. Tomorrow I am working a concert (Miranda Lambert) and then a marching band concert on Saturday and then a basketball game on Sunday. That job sure has a lot of variety. Charlie Brown just tried to kick a pistachio (it was a commercial) and Lucy made him fall on his backside again; that blockhead will never learn.

After lunch I drove to Rochelle to watch 8th grade basketball. I told you I would tell you about Fabio's game Tuesday but now we have Thursday too. Okay...very quickly... remember he hurt his wrist Monday? Well, he can still run the offense pretty well but his shots are a bit off because of his bad wrist that he hurt in a game. I bought him a brace which helps during the day and while he sleeps but he doesn't wear it when playing. Tonight the "A" team won 36-34 and the "B" team won 37-12. The coach talked to me after the game and said he is very impressed with the way Fabio is playing. The other day in Sycamore the "A" team won 32-29 and the "B" team won 29-20. Fabio played in both games...when Fabio plays they win - simple as that. I imagine you are getting sick of hearing basketball so I will only tell you about the big deals for the rest of the season (probably).

My dad has been coming to the games and when he is there I don't listen to Roz (with headphones). That means I have to listen to the whining, complaining fans. I hate our fans and I hate the other teams' fans. Tuesday one of our fans was complaining and then one of the opposing fans said "don't matter" and then our fans said "Don't matter? Do you teach English?" This is 8th grade basketball dudes; chill out and watch the game. The refs aren't going to change their calls because you are a loud-mouth cry-baby. I think the word "fan" should be changed to "lun." These people are beyond "fan"atics...they are total "lun"atics.

Do you watch Modern Family? Have you noticed that Sofia Vargara is really showing off her natural assets lately? I am not complaining. I have been a fan of hers for about four years and I am happy she is getting back to why I became a fan. Check out Fuera de Serie every morning at 4:00 and 4:30 on Galavision! Eva Longoria is reportedly getting divorced. Supposedly her husband, NBA star Tony Parker, was cheating on her with a teammate's wife. The teammate is getting divorced too. Sandra Bullock and Eva Longoria getting cheated on? The end is truly near.

Enough out of me. Have a nice rest of your Thursday and Friday until I blog you again. I don't know what time I will blog tomorrow but I'll get it in there somewhere. Thanks for stopping by.

The Pizza Apocalypse

When your smoke detectors go off do you really think there's a fire? Those things go off all the time.

There is psychic energy that surrounds our house. Sugar Momma and I will talk about something and a little bit later something very similar or having to do with what we discussed will happen. We really need to talk about winning the lottery more. I am sure it's just coincidence but it happens ALL the time. Yesterday I was driving to Sycamore to watch Fabio's basketball games and while I was driving in the MIDDLE of the NIU campus a plane flew over head pulling a banner advertising Domino's Pizza having $5.99 pizzas. I thought to myself, "self, that's a great idea advertising to students right before dinnertime with an airplane pulling a banner." Then my brain went off on a tangent about why don't they do sky-writing anymore, blah, blah, blah... Anyway, today I was donating plasma and reading MH (Men's Health, not Matt Helser) and there is a whole story about Domino's Pizza (as well as Pizza Hut, Little Caesar's and Papa Johns) and how they are ruining the planet...be right back the washer just stopped and I want to put the clothes in the dryer. Talk amongst yourselves...topic "how can Matt be so darned sexy."

I'm back with a bowl of potato soup that I just made again...Sugar Momma and Fabio were just talking two days ago how they are sick of pizza (which we really don't have very often) and then I see this plane and I wrote in my notebook on the way to Sycamore "something is telling me to write about pizza and sky ad plane for Domino's" and then I read the article today...NO PIZZA FOR YOU! It's like a sign from Caesar!

The article is kind of lengthy and, though I took notes while deplasmatizing, I won't go into all of the details suffice it to say that small tomato farmers in Ghana, small dairy farmers across the United States and small livestock farmers are losing everything and many are financially destroyed and suicide among small family farmers is on the rise. The article mentioned how tomato farmers in Ghana are killing themselves by drinking the insecticides they once used on the tomatoes and it also talked about Dean Pierson, an upstate New York farmer, who went to the barn and shot his 51 cows one by one in the head and then sat on a stool, put the rifle to his chest and pulled the trigger. Pizza is cheap, convenient and easy but if you have to have pizza make your own and buy local products. If anybody wants to read the article it's in the December issue of Men's Health. You can can read it right here. This article is going to make me think about every thing I eat; like the potato soup I am eating now (recipe still over there ---> cheaper than pizza). Also, for some alternate recipes and healthy food ideas visit Fenix Wellness (also in "suggested links" above right). I should have known when poor Little Caesar was forced to ride in the back of that truck alone. My further suspicion of pizza occurred when the woman donating plasma next to me spewed blood that looked like pizza sauce all over the face shield of the phlebotomist hooking her up to the machine. It was like a 3-D Pizza Horror Movie but it was really cool and great timing.

I finished the patio after I got home this morning. They are right about not exerting yourself right after donating plasma. I thought they were full of beans but it's true; I am more light-headed than usual. This got lengthy AGAIN, sorry. I am going to get blogger-tunnel syndrome if I don't learn to control my blogging. I will tell you about Fabio's Tuesday games tomorrow (not much of a cliff-hanger). Have a nice rest of your Hump Day. TTTT...MITM (out)!

Sugar Momma Grizzly?

Yesterday’s basketball was exciting. Fabio did not play any of the “A” game which we lost 31-29 (I believe). Our cross-cornfield rivals led the entire game and our team closed in and tied them and then they made the winning shot at the buzzer. This was the first "A" game Fabio didn’t not play in this season. He made up for it in the “B” game as he played the entire first half and most of the third quarter until he hurt his hand. He sat and iced it and then played quite a bit of the fourth quarter. He scored 14 points, had four steals and four or five rebounds and who knows how many assists; he played like Magic Kobe LeBron Jordan Jr.. He ran the offense better than I have ever seen him do before too; this should serve to build his confidence. The “B” team won 40-22. Today they play at the school next cornfield to the North, Sycamore, and we’ll see if he can pick up where he left off.

Today I have been cleaning the patio off and getting the outside ready for winter. All summer-long I love that we have a huge patio (TWSS) but then I have to put away three-room’s full of stuff and I have to wonder if it’s worth it. No, it’s worth it. Next step is to get the snow shovels to the front of the garage and get the snow-blower fired up. Gotta keep the snowmen smiling.

I have never cared much for Sarah Palin but DVR’d her new show called Sarah Palin’s Alaska on TLC because (fill in idiotic reason here). I honestly think the Republican party is using her to get their messages out there to test the waters and let her take the criticism while their big players hide safely in the shadows with clean hands. The whole show seems to be a Tea Party infomercial. I predict come election time she will not be on the Presidential/Vice Presidential ticket. I think she will use the show to announce her candidacy but she will never get past the primaries. Anyway, getting back to her new show...she does not shut up. She is almost as annoying as the Real Housewives of: Atlanta, Washington D.C., Orange County and New York City rolled into one Momma Grizzly package. As Sugar Momma Grizzly said though “she sure looks good for a woman who had five kids.” I cannot argue with that. I like when she says things like her kids have a problem with "socialization" with their peers. There are dozens of gems like that in the show. But then I get sad when I think she governed a state in our country and she has her own show and her own book... No matter what her role in the political and entertainment arenas she has gotten her fifteen minutes of fame with interest and she has raked in some serious bank. TLC is The Learning Channel right...I have learned a lot.

The introduction of my new blog site Middle Movie Reviews has quite a bit of chatter going on. Everybody has opinions on movies. I added my Netflix Movie of the Week section there too and intend to try to find movies that I haven't previously seen, watch them until I find one that I like and pass it on. Check it out.

Splenda will be home in a coupe of days. She’s already signed up to work at her job while she’s home and I know she will have to hang with all of her other friends that are also home from their colleges so hopefully we’ll get to see her. It’s gonna be weird listening to kids fight over the bathroom and why Fabio shouldn’t walk around the house in his boxers... I guess I will have to stop walking around the house in my bloomers for a week too...drat! I guess it's good I got the dryer fixed!

Alright, lunch break is over so I need to get back at it. Thanks for spending time with me again; I type slower while I’m eating which supposedly makes you feel fuller faster and eat less. I hope the rest of your Tuesday is good to you. I’ll blog you again tomorrow after deplasmification. TTTT...MITM oooooot, eh?