Let's Do the Time Warp Again! (Part Deux)

cue the music

It's Sunday and I'm gonna blog; what do you think about that? I am blogging earlier than usual but later than I usually would all at the same time because the clocks went ahead an hour here. I know I mention it every time this happens (ahead or back) but we really don't need to do this anymore...farm tractors have lights and such (rewind the blog to the last time this happened). We are focusing on passing and/or eliminating legislation that is ridiculous throughout the country and this atrocity is allowed to continue...you have always impressed me Arizona and Indiana (most of Indiana) by not buckling under the time-crunch pressure. Time itself doesn't need a clock...it is on it's own schedule (wow, that sounds very hippy-ish; I like it).

This weekend I worked a lot. It totally screwed up Sugar Momma and my social calendar because we have always got something going on. Most of the time I feel like Truman Capote....MOST of the time. Friday I went in to work at noon and we were supposed to go out with MADYM and MisterYM to see High Infidelity...an R.E.O that night. A Speedwagon cover-band or something.  I am so MIDDLE that I saw R.E.O. when they were R.E.O. so I didn't really care about seeing the band but I like the company that I was supposed to keep that night so I was gonna head to Studio 54 (we call it Starbusters in the MIDDLE of the cornfield) after work. Well, work ended up going until almost 9:00PM and I had to pick up Splenda who rode with friends home from college. I was suppose to take the horse and buggy near the big city of Mankato (that's the Little House on the Prairie equivalent of Chicago). She was supposed to be there at around 10:30-11:00PMish. While I was headed there she texted me that she was gonna be a couple hours later. So, I sat in the 4-Runner in the Arlington Heights Walgreen's until about 1:00AM when they arrived (I think I seriously saw a ghost in the parking lot there - remind me and I will tell you about it later). So then we got back home close to 2:00 AM and I went to sleep and went back into work at 6:30AM where I worked until nearly 9:00PM; screwing up plans with MADYM and MisterYM again when we were supposed to go to Fat Rosie's in St. Chuck (St. Charles is his proper name but we are on very familiar terms - TWHS). They didn't want to eat dinner at 10:00PM? Did they forget who I was? So, my working 14 hours screwed that up too (but - ca-ching). Oh, bother.

Capote and I have the same bike (mine doesn't have that top bar though))

While I was at work yesterday Super Tammy (formerly referenced to as MOD Tammy on MITM) told me that this blog helped her win a recent game of You Don't Know Jack! (not knowing jack and I and this blog have a long history with one another) The question asked something about which famous author was known for having six-toed cats? She knew it because of this blog. Her roommate and a friend of mine, Stacey, asked her, "how in the heck did you know that?" Tammy told her, "because of Matt In The Middle." Stacey said something like, "dang, I knew I should have read the blog today." Let that be a lesson to you MIDDLERS ...miss one MITM and you won't know jack! (strike that...reverse it...maybe). I think it's funny how A LOT of people are referring to me as "Matt In The Middle" rather than my real name...oh no, I have forgotten my real name. I am pretty sure it's not Ernest Hemingway though because I have a six-toed dog with only however many toes a normal dog has. If I had a six-toed cat I don't even know if I would know that.

With all of the running around and very little sleep the last couple of days/nights firstly, I am behind on working out (TWSS) and secondly, last night I slept so soundly that I actually had a dream that i remembered. I wrote it down and it will probably appear somewhere in my book. The dream made me feel guilty this morning though. Why is the main character in our dreams usually us? Maybe it's just me because, as an America male, I think everything is about me. If it's not about me it should be about me. Are the main characters in your dreams you or is it just me? Me, me, me, me, me, me... Okay, enough about me...what do YOU think of me? I have always thought that old joke was funny. Maybe because it's about ME? There's a Charlie Sheen reference somewhere here today...can you find it?

Okay...gotta start getting ready for Fabio's last basketball games of the travel basketball season. I think Splenda might even go. MADYM...if you read this and want to go to Fat Rosie's tonight sex (I mean text) Sugar Momma (Freudian type) because the basketball games WILL be done by 5:00PM and nothing will stop us today (not even me, me, me.... I don't want you guys to think I don't love you anymore because I do. I feel like Dear Matty now. Oh yeah...I love you too for stopping by and reading this today TTTT...MITM (still a little sleepy) TA! (only 19 days until the podcast)
cue the music Hal!

The Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat is Not An Option Blog

Happy Friday. It's hard to be too happy this morning if you're watching the news. Japan has been hit by a large earthquake and a subsequent tsunami. At the time of this writing Hawaii and the U.S. West Coast are bracing for the residual tsunami waves. I have been thinking about my little brother who lives just outside of Honolulu, our friends the Simmons family in Oregon and my buddy Geoff and his family in Cali.. My brother has lived through plenty of these situations over his 20+ years there and I am sure he will be fine but it's always scary. Remember...after a hurricane comes a rainbow...Hawaii is known as The Rainbow State for a reason.

There are different kinds of tsunamis going on in the MIDDLEwest. First it was the Wisconsin Democrats running to Illinois and now Indiana's politicians are taking refuge within our borders for the same reason. I guess all of the political turmoil in our neighboring states to the north and east are helping our Illinois economy (politician tourism/escapism). There's still plenty of room at our inns here for your huddled masses: Missouri, Iowa, Kentucky and even you Michigan.

Two days ago Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a bill putting an end to the death penalty here. I think it sounds weird to have a moratorium on the death penalty; isn't that contradictory (maybe I'm thinking mortuary um)? Moments after he signed the bill politicians were trying to figure out how to overturn the bill and reinstate the death penalty. I have mixed feelings about the death penalty (what do you expect from a guy in The MIDDLE?) If I were the parents of Toni Keller, the young girl recently murdered here in DeKalb, I think I would be all for the death penalty. The guy who allegedly killed her has pleaded not guilty though it sounds like they have a lot of evidence against him. That always confuses and exasperates me. The guy who committed the recent shootings/killings in Arizona also pleaded not guilty. Everyone saw you shooting these people, they have it on film, and they caught you with the gun during the shooting but you are not guilty? I know it's all about loopholes, and insanity and were the proper laws of due-process followed and the like but it was probably much easier in the old west. (Tombstone, AZ)

The Dream Dirty Laundry Podcast Guest

     I spent quite a bit of yesterday afternoon and evening working on the Dirty Laundry podcast. I am starting to wonder about the theme song and copyright infringement laws. I am going to delve further into that issue but I know there are plenty of you who are very musical and I would love to hear your ideas for a Dirty Laundry theme song. We are thinking of maybe doing something similar to the theme from the old It's Garry Shandling's Show. Free publicity, though minuscule at first. I am getting pretty excited about the show. I have some ideas for guests too that would be good guests and they may do it. As you probably know, our targeted launch date is April 1st. Guess who is coming to The Chicago Theater April 3rd for a concert? Charlie Sheen. I know he probably wouldn't do our podcast but if there's anyone who bucks the norm and may do something outside of the box like that it might be him. I am going to attempt to contact his people but I am sure it will be a waste of time - it will be something to blog and pod about though. Tickets for his "Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option Show" go on sale tomorrow. I am starting to get a man-crush on this dude. For details on the launch of Dirty Laundry join the "Dirty Laundry (podcast)" Facebook fan page.
      With all of the Hullabaloo and Shindig going on lately I haven't gotten around to telling you about one of my favorite television talk shows that you may not know about. You know I like Kimmel and Ferguson but this guy may be my favorite talk show host right now. It's Graham Norton. The Graham Norton Show is on BBC America. For you MIDDLERS that remember The Benny Hill Show and Monty Python's Flying Circus you know that the British have a much more forward-thinking liberal understanding of television than we do in "The States" and Norton takes full advantage of that. Unless you are a homophobe, Graham is very openly homosexual, I think you will love this show too. It's Fabulous!!! He has guests from America regularly but he also has guests from the other side of the pond that I am learning about and liking. I guarantee your satisfaction or your money back (TWSS).

I have to get ready for work. I am going to spend the day (and probably most of the night) with a bunch of sweaty elementary school wrestlers. I wish this blog had smell-o-vision because I would bring some back for you. Tomorrow who knows if I will blog or not? The details still aren't very clear to me about picking Splenda up for the start of her college Spring Break but I will blog what I can. TTTT...MITM (showering out)

The Fickle Finger of Fate Blog!!!

The MITM Fickle Finger of Fate Award goes to...Me!

I left the house this morning on the way to get rid of some unwanted plasma. As I got to the front of the subdivision, maybe it's the back when I'm leaving I'm not sure how that works, I realized that I didn't have Roz's leash (headphones/ear buds) with me. I hesitated for a moment and thought about turning around, I actually made one of those half-turn deals like I was starting to turn, but decided I could do without the music while donating this morning. I just like the music to drown out the distractions around me so I can read Mr. Twain.That was the beginning of the downward spiral of the morning. Maybe it was something going on similar to The Adjustment Bureau, the movie I reviewed yesterday at Middle Movie Reviews.  Maybe something was trying to change my fate for the day? So, I went over and went through the usual procedures at BioLife plasma center. While the lady was checking my blood I asked her if she could let me know the protein level because last time I was at 61 and really amp'ed up the protein over the last couple of days and I wanted to make sure it was working. After a bit she turned to me and said, "it's 59...too low to donate." I am totally straddling that 60 cut-off mark. I don't really care that much about the donating but what in the heck is going on with my protein? Between yesterday and this morning I had 2 protein bars, two scoops of protein powder (two scoops like Raisin Bran) in my morning shake when I usually only have one scoop, had a Smart Ones egg sandwich for breakfast and I had fish for lunch yesterday and shrimp for dinner last night. So then, being turned away like Baby Cheeses, I go grocery shopping (and buy more wasabi and soy sauce almonds because I had run out) and then go to Border's to get a book about Garageband to learn more for the podcast; they don't open until 10:00. Everything was thrown outta whack today and I probably would have met someone that would have changed my life had things changed. Maybe I would have been killed...who knows? Not me! But, it did change today's blog already with that incredibly long paragraph...damn you MITM's Adjustment Bureau!!!

That really is going to change the blog a lot today. I have a lot of great, award-winning notes in the blog book and now they will put off until tomorrow or perhaps never even be used.

Chuck is a nickname for Charlie isn't it? Suspicious!

My good friend Sergeant John posted something on his Facebook page yesterday that made me think about the possibilities for Two and a Half Men after the firing of Charlie Manson Sheen. It was a clip of the show Roseanne when they replaced the actress who played the Becky character. It became a running gag on the show. There have been so many occasions in television when they just replaced characters and moved on. There were two different Darren's in Bewitched, the two different Becky's on Roseanne, two different Glady Kravitzes on Bewitched, an entire season that was a dream (season eight) on Dallas and an entire series that was a dream on Newhart when Dick Loudon woke up as Dick Hartley and his wife was the wife from his previous series The Bob Newhart Show. Aunt Vivian on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air sure changed a lot. What in the Helser happen to Chuck Cunningham on Happy Days? He just up and disappeared. Just throw me in there and I will just be Uncle Charlie on Two and a Half Men - no big whoop. Better yet, have Gavan O' Herilhy step in and take over the role.  

I found out that it was National Crabmeat Day yesterday after I, coincidentally, ate imitation crabmeat for lunch. I am subconsciously almost in-tune with the days. Imitation crab is the sincerest form of crabmeat flattery I understand.

Since the MITM Adjustment Bureau changed the blog for today I probably didn't blog something that would have caused your life to change. One tiny ripple in my blog may have caused you to have a better or worse day. If you have a great day I will take credit and, likewise, if you have a bad day I will take the blame. Please have a nice day because I do tend to blame myself for everything; it comes from low protein levels I think. TTTT...MITM (Garagebanding out) TA!

Is that a Pickle in Your Pocket?

I heard on the radio this morning that it's Ass Wednesday? What's that all about? I am pretty sure it was directed at me though. Fat Tuesday makes us a little chunkier so now we get called names? I don't think I want to take any part of this whole deal. (I edited myself here with a Hump Day reference - I am getting better - insert your own Hump Day joke here but just know that mine was really good/bad and in poor taste - surprised?)

high school art classes have changed a lot

Last night at work we hosted a couple of high school supersectional basketball games. The second game had a mascot that I had never seen or heard of before - they were The Ghosts. You know me and my fascination with death and cemeteries so I was stoked (I am going to start working that word into my everyday vernacular - I don't think I will use "vernacular" more though). I was a little disappointed when I saw the mascot. At first I thought maybe the mascot was there and we just couldn't see it with our naked eyes but then the mascot showed up. I thought it looked kind of like a candle with eyes and a mouth but my friend Security Jon made a better observation...from the back it looked kind of like a sperMATTozoa. Then it all made sense - the school had a three letter abbreviation; I think it may have been I.U.D.! Practice safe mascoting boys and girls. The team they were playing's fans all had the Ghostbusters logo on stuff...they weren't afraid and it paid off...they were able to trap the ghosts in their ecto-containment unit defense and not get slimed. Sometimes "I ain't afraid" is enough!

I am writing the blog early this morning because I managed to get into this chair after getting school lunch made and such. My back is killing me. Is it a coincidence that my back hurts the day after Chiropractic Kevin became a "liker" of the Matt In The Middle Facebook page? Of course it's a coincidence but you know me..I like to stir it up! If I lived closer to Kevin and he were my chiropractor I know I would not have any back pain right now. I just took some Aleve (ca-ching) which is the official naproxen of Matt In The Middle (at least for the next four hours).

Is there milk in those torpedoes back there?

     As promised, I reviewed the movie Sugar Momma and I saw this weekend at MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS. I am not even gonna tell you what we saw...you're gonna have to go to MMR if you want to know. I will give you a hint though; it rhymes with The Mattfrutlent Splureau! Movies are not as much fun in the summer because A) it's better to be outside and B) it's harder to sneak in your snacks when you're wearing shorts and a coat looks suspicious when it's 80+ degrees outside. I's not a price issue, though everything is expensive, it's more of a health issue. What's healthy there? A pickle? Really, a pickle at the movies? If I wanted a pickle that would be easy to smuggle into the theater (another joke edited here)

Hey, I hear a bird chirping outside. That's a good sign of Spring approaching.Yeah Spring!

I am off...hopefully my back will stop hurting so I can work-out later. Maybe that's what's causing the pain? No pain, no gain, right? I prefer the lesser-known saying "no pain, no pain!"  Get over to the Matt In The Middle Facebook page and join the million (minus 999,981) other "likers."  TTTT ... MITM (Aleve-ing on a jet plane)

It's Matt Tuesday...Show Me Your Blogs!

Got Protein?

Today sure has been a busy day so far. I just got done applying for 21 jobs. The one that I hope to get the most out of the 21 I applied for is Sushi Chef. Based on their qualifications I am qualified. I would love to see people's faces when they ask what I do for a living and I told them "sushi chef." Of course, being Matt Tuesday, I also donated plasma today. I was told that my protein level was 61 and the minimum it can be to donate plasma is 60. My usual protein ritual wasn't strictly followed yesterday/this morning so I wasn't surprised. I bet more sushi would increase the protein level.

For some strange reason I felt the urge to call my friend Bill who I haven't spoke to in awhile; I used to work with him. So, I called him on the way home from deplasmification and it is his birthday. I didn't even know that. I think I may have convinced him to get on Facebook. I wish everybody were on Facebook so I would always look thoughtful in remembering their birthdays instead of having to rely on my Bloggy-Senses. I must say that was very weird. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILL!
I blogged you that Sugar Momma and I were going to see a movie Saturday and we did. I haven't reviewed it yet at MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS but I will do that tomorrow. I would do it today but I have to work this afternoon. I would have done it early but I wasn't really sure how I felt about the movie. I know that I liked it but I am not really sure what it was about - completely. I still don't but I know several things I think it might be about. I know you can't wait now can you?

This photo is proof that he's read this blog

     I keep waiting for Michael Moore to contact me. You remember yesterday I showed that photo of our new MITM Wisconsin Bureau Chief Brian promoting the blog? (if not, scroll down to yesterday's blog) I learned that documentarian / filmmaker Michael Moore was in Madison that day. It may take him time to get in touch with me but I am certain he is doing a documentary about stupid blogs in America soon.

It's been a few days since I have discussed Uncle Charlie. Hey, this just now came to me while typing "Uncle Charlie," isn't it weird that Charlie Sheen played Uncle Charlie on Two and a Half Men, he might be replaced by John Stamos who played Uncle Jesse on Full House and one of Charles Manson's nicknames was Uncle Charlie? AND... Uncle Charley on My Three Sons was a crabby dude (irrelevant but I have to mention William Demarast whenever possible). Anyway, Uncle Charlie (Sheen) got handed his pink slip from Two and a Half Men so it's official...there's a job open there so count it as me applying for 22 jobs today. It's only fair that I get his former job since he stole my podcast idea...I guess I should have launched before April 1st! His is actually a webcast called Sheen's Korner (this is part 1 of 9 but you get the idea). "You're either in Sheen's Korner or with the trolls." In that case I guess I would have to ask "who's that clip-clopping up on my bridge?" What a whack-job!
     Alright, I am going to go eat lunch and clean up the kitchen and get ready for work. Have a great Matt Tuesday (I better grab some beads before I head to work). Did you realize that Easter is not until April 24th this year? The latest date in the year that it can possibly be (according to the moon rules...) is April 25th (I knew you were dying to know that). The Easter Bunny won't have to worry about hard-boiling the eggs this year because they will cook themselves overnight out in our yards.

MITM Names New Wisconsin Bureau Chief!

Congratulations to Brian for becoming our MITM Wisconsin Bureau Chief

Hey, it's Monday; there's really no more to be said about that. Over the weekend Matt In The Middle proudly hired a new Wisconsin Marketing Manager / Bureau Chief. Thank you to Brian D. for carrying the Matt In The Middle message to the Wisconsin State Capital during one of the country's biggest news stories this weekend. Brian brings his wit and wisdom to a blog greatly lacking both. We here at Matt In The Middle Entertainment Worldwide, Inc. LTD. Co... are proud and honored to have Brian as a member of our award winning-less team. I have shamelessly tried to promote this blog for nearly a year and it is growing slowly (TWSS) but Brian has found a new way to reach more people in a single day than I have been able to reach in a year. One day he'll be running this blog! Is it a coincidence that the Matt In The Middle Facebook page added a new "liker" the same day he posted this photo? I don't think so. Thank you to Teresa for "liking" MITM. The last two that joined before Teresa I did not specifically thank...thank you to Patti and Debbie P for joining the MITM "winners" team. I gave up on that one-a-day plus iron "likers club" but "like me...you really like me." Now I need more "likers" please Facebook "like" Matt In The Middle now!

Get used to it LeBron!

Yesterday Fabio's travel basketball team was able to do something they have not done all year; they won a game. You may or may not have noticed that I have not been mentioning much about his games other than when and where they were played. They have had highlights throughout the season but it has been a tough one in the win column. Yesterday, as the season is winding down, all of the players managed to play good games at the same time (commonly known as team-work). They worked together and played hard (a good sports term here would be "jelled"). Fabio was sick all weekend and I told him that I remember Michael Jordan scoring 70 points in a game when he had a 102 fever. Most inspirational speeches were embellished, right? To the boys' credits they never seemed to get discouraged about being The Bad News Bears of the league this year. I give them a lot of credit. I kept telling Fabio all season that "you learn a lot more from losing than you do by winning." I should know I am a total "learner." That's the opposite of a "Tiger Blood, Winner" right? After the game one of my friends, who is the mom of one of the players and a faithful MITM follower asked me, "is this blog-worthy?" I told here "no" but then changed my mind last night when I heard that some of The Miami Heat players were in the locker room crying yesterday after they lost to the Chicago Bulls. I guess they didn't lose enough as kids. I can't wait to see Da Bulls tonight (or is it Los Bulls?) I just looked it up and Jordan ONLY scored 38 points when he was sick...blogger/father embellishment license. I am not sure if he had a fever though but I know he had flu-like symptoms and possible food poisoning. I am sure a blogger/father started the legend of Paul Bunyan too.

Today is Casimir Pulaski Day in Chicago. Does anyone else celebrate the birthday of the Polish-born Revolutionary War trainer and cavalry man? Speaking of that I missed National Pancake Day last week...sorry. I usually don't get excited until Von Steuben Day honoring Baron Friedrich von Steuben (or Erich Von Zipper) for his services to General George Washington. Fabio is staying home sick today...he's probably faking it because he's a huge closet Pulaski fan. 

Good thing she can drive because she is hideous (on The Munsters maybe)

Did you hear that Danica Patrick finished fourth place in the NASCAR (I don't know if that's even the right term anymore) race this weekend? It was only her 16th race and she has now finished higher than any woman in NASCAR history. I am always a huge fan when people break barriers like this. She seems nice though she is probably not, like most celebs, but she has me fooled. Good luck DanPat (I think I may be the first person to call her that)!         

Is it a coincidence that there is all of the governor/union/collective bargaining/protesting issues going on in Wisconsin the same year that the Green Bay Packers won the Superbowl? Is it further a coincidence that there may be a National Football League lockout this season because of collective bargaining issues? Curiouser and curiouser.

Is this weekend turn the clock ahead an hour weekend? That's gonna play right into my trying not to get any sleep plan very nicely. Gonna have lunch with my mommy today for her birthday. It's the least I can do for the lady who made it possible for me to blog (though she will never read it because the internet is THE DEBBIL!). Have a nice Monday...I am confident that it CAN be done and if anyone can do it, it would be you! TTTT...MITM (out)

I ain't some hula-hoop, chicken neck lookin' jive turkey

Blog/Article...close enough Ed!

I am writing this blog while watching Crank Yankers (one of my favorites linked there) on Netflix. I am not actually watching it while I am on Netflix but it is playing on Netflix while I am watching it. I mentioned Crank Yankers in yesterday's blog and then a few people mentioned that they liked the show and then I decided I hadn't seen it in a while so here I am, Mr. Knee-Jerk Reaction, watching Crank Yankers and blogging. It's nice when Fabio's basketball games are done for the day at 11:00AM. I told you yesterday that this weekend was his last tournament for the season but I forgot that they had one rescheduled from earlier in the season, when the Packers beat the Bears in the play-offs. That tournament is rescheduled for next weekend in DeKalb.

How about the change of temperature in the MIDDLEwest? Last night I walked to the grocery store at around 7:00PM wearing a only a sweatshirt (and pants and shoes and a backpack and one of the spelunking headlamps) and now I can't even walk to the mailbox without a coat. I ain't some hula-hoop, chicken neck lookin' jive turkey. Darned blogging tourettes.

I bought some new Nike socks yesterday and when I put a pair on this morning I found that they didn't have the "L" and the "R" on them. How in the heck am I supposed to figure out which sock goes on which foot? Dang!

Even six-toed cats drink out of the toilet

I wrote a little more of my book last night. While I was trying to channel Mark Twain I think I got my lines crossed and got Ernest Hemingway instead. While working through Hemingway I couldn't help but think about visiting his home in Key West, Florida. My favorite part of his house, besides the six-toed cats (Hemingway cats), was the story of his outside habits. Ernie had the habit of relieving himself out in the back yard. Whatever guy tells you he hasn't done that from time to time is lying. Anyway, his wife told him that if he did not start going numero uno in the toilet there would be consequences (I don't remember what the consequences were). Hemingway, like Twain, was a man after my smart-aleck funny-bone. Do you think he went inside to go pee from there on out or from there on in? Either way you are half right. He mounted a urinal to the tree in the back yard so he could pee in the toilet and still not have to go inside. The urinal is still there next to the swimming pool today. Of course, I had photos taken of me pretending to pee in that urinal but I am too lazy to try to find one to scan to put here right now. I will look and if I find it I will scan it. don't hold your water (I mean breath).

Sugar Momma and I are thinking about going to a movie this afternoon. We are thinking about either Black Swan, The Adjustment Bureau or The Unknown. I really want to see Black Swan but Sugar Momma is afraid that "it's too disturbing." She really wants to see The Unknown. We both think The Adjustment Bureau looks good but I am still pretty pissed that Matt Damon hasn't talked me in what seems like forever. Usually when this happens we end up seeing nothing so I will let you know. This will be the blog cliffhanger of the day. Right now it is Unknown (ha).

I hope you have a great night. I will try to blog again tomorrow but there's Fabio's basketball in the morning and I think I am supposed to work tomorrow night. I have signed up twice (once in person and once via email) but have not been told if I am supposed to work yet. If I don't hear that I am working I guess I will have time to blog...cliffhanger #2...WOW (bonus hanger)! TTTT... MITM off to the movies to blog a MIDDLE MOVIE REVIEWS tomorrow.