Did I Spread a Bad Rumor?

Donner, party of two, Donner

Seems like winter is finally here in the MIDDLEwest. Save for the snow and the wind and the bitter cold. Other than it's a winter wonderland out there. Don't get me wrong I like this better. Every winter I wonder why my ancestors settled on the MIDDLEwest. I guess I know why they would have settled here back when the country was new and the land was fertile for farming and there was plenty of game and fowl and fish but why now. There were a group of people that headed west from Illinois and they called them The Donner Party; I guess they made other MIDDLEwesterners reconsider that trek, huh? Hey wait, it's on me now and I don't want to disappoint my descendants by moving somewhere fantastic and robbing them of the opportunity to blame someone else (me, in this case) for everything. That's what we do for the people who follow us. There not even born yet and I love them so much that I am willing to take a bullet for them.

Last night I walked for about seven hours. Most every Thursday night I am on foot patrol and most of the time I have had pretty sore, sometimes blistered, feet. Last night was the first night that I walked with my new boots. I finally had enough and went out and bought some boots and I could not be happier with my selection at this point. I got Nike ACG boots. The AGC stands for "all conditions gear." I didn't even know that Nike made boots. I don't know why they call them "all conditions gear" because they are not waterproof so that negates at least a couple of conditions I can immediately think of. I helped them become "all conditions gear" by buying some waterproofing spray and coated them as soon as I got them home. Lats night I schlepped around in rain (drizzle more precisely) and my tootsies remained dry and toasty. It felt like I was walking on a cloud of grilled cheese sandwiches. They are completely black, even the swoosh, and you cannot even tell they are Nike unless you're really paying attention. It came down to these and boots by Skechers (spell-check thinks that should be spelled Sketchers. I love when I am superior to spell-check) but the Nike were only $10 more ($79) so I went with them. I have always had very good luck with Nike. Fabio's Nike basketball shoes are usually upward of $150 - $200 so I felt like I was getting a bargain. My back and legs didn't even hurt like they usually do; I should have gotten new boots a long time ago methinks. I know this sounds like a commercial for this brand of boots but it is not - it's just me spilling my thoughts as I do. I am beholden to no company but if someone wanted to throw a few sheckles/geld/dinro/scratch/cabbage/dough... my way I could be easily convinced to think thoughts about their products. I bet the Donner Party would still be around if they had worn these boots. That;s gonna be my cathc phrase if they ask me to promote these boots - like Nike needs my help, ha!

I make them sexy!

Does anybody else think it's funny that Martha Stewart got Salmonella because of handling turkeys on Thanksgiving? Who would have thought that handling turkeys on a television set under hot lights after the birds had been sitting out for hours would do such a thing. I can understand it in her case because she is new to television and cooking.

So, Dirty Laundry Podcast is up and there may be controversy. The day after I reported on the show that Bill Murray had finally agreed to be in the forthcoming Ghostbusters 3 movie (I would hope that it will have a more clever name than that, but probably not) Dan Ackroyd says Murray is not part of the sequel. I always imagined that the only living half of the Blues Brothers listened to the podcast but now I am certain. I think I did preface it on the show by saying that it was a rumor but I still stand by the story that Dr. Peter Venkman (Murray) will be in the new film. They are starting all of the movie promo hype even before filming has begun with these lies and innuendo and you can remember that you heard it here. I think, however, that if he is not part of the film (very unlikely if you follow my reports), it would be cool if Venkman came back as a ghost and they caught him in a trap as a pet. They could disfigure him or something and have anybody do the voice. Maybe he could be reincarnated as Honey Boo Boo or Dog The Bounty Hunter or one of the Storage Wars people or the one of the Duck Dynasty dudes or something.

I have rambled enough I think. Make sure to listen to the podcast and tell your friends about it. I fell asleep when I was listening to it but don't let that be a deterrence. Unless you're trying to cure insomnia then maybe it's just what Dr. Johnny Fever ordered. Remember that I had been walking seven+ hours in cold rain before I listened so maybe I was sleepy. Have a great Friday night and thanks a lot for listening to the show and stopping in here. I hope I/we help you escape some of the daily grind once and awhile and make you feel better about yourself because you're not me. TTT? (maybe tomorrow even though it's your Saturday)....MITM (maybe not too?) TA!

Good Deeds Canadian Style!

It has been quite a day. I started the day off by editing Dirty Laundry Podcast. While in the midst of editing I decided to run and do the good deed that I promised to do. Do you know what they call people like me? Good Deed Doers. So, I went and did the good deed and came back and finished editing the show. I like doing good deeds for people who deserve good deeds to be done unto them. I also really do enjoy doing the podcast. I have a great podcast cohost and if it weren't for the big wigs upstairs (or are they big Whigs?) the show would be perfect. I guess my political stupidity pissed them off a little this week and one of them came down to the studio and demanded to record a piece on the show. How could we decline? Then I uploaded the podcast for you to enjoy. I hope you do. I also bought a couple of Christmas presents for Cha Cha that are supposed to arrive between December 12th and 15th. I would tell you what they are but then she would decide to read the blog. It is something that she expressed that she would like on one of the podcasts; I believe it was this week's show.

Fabio's basketball game tonight got cancelled - woohoo!!!! I can take a nap. Naps are underrated. Except in places where they are called siestas. Those people know what it's all about!

Sausage, Pepperoni, Onion?

Nobody told me this was Decembeard. I thought it was testicular cancer awareness month or something. Last month was boobs and this month is balls. Maybe the beard doesn't have to be on your face? I am not allowed to have a beard on my face at my current job so I cannot participate with the face one but maybe the other one I can be a part of? A body beard might be a good idea for winter...hmmm!

Do you think I should get some Pizza Hut perfume for Cha Cha and Splenda's stockings? It's called Eau de Pizza Hut It is bound to be a collector's item because there is no way that it will last beyond one Christmas unless a bunch of idiots buy it thinking it is going to be a collector's item. Oh, that's me huh? In 2008 Burger King tried to introduce meat-scented Flame by BK. There has also been Play-Doh perfume. I wonder what Matt In The Middle Perfume would smell like?

I love that Congress took a break during the debt talks. I am sarcastic, of course, when I say I love it. It really shows what they think of we MIDDLE-classers. They don't give a flying fart about any of us. You can see why so many countries have risen up against the aristocracy throughout history. I am not calling for an uprising but I sure can understand. I wonder how much longer it will be before Cha Cha and I move to Canada? I am thinking maybe St. Catherine. It will have to be somewhere near Toronto; I love Toronto. I have never been to Vancouver but it looked amazing during the 2010 Winter Olympics. Vancouver has the third largest film industry in North America; that could be good for guests of the podcast. You will be surprised to learn that other than Cha Cha and I, Cindy Crawford and a porn star there are very few famous people associated with our town. I really think we will one day be Canadian citizens. The blog and the podcast and such will end in .ca instead of .com. There are a lot of logistics questions to be answered. 

I am going to sign-off because I fear I am rambling due to my tired state. I just got a call for Fabio's orthodontist saying that he has two appointments tomorrow; one at 8:00 and one at 9:30. They were wondering which one we prefer. I called her back and said we will take them both but I am only paying for one. We did not know anything about the 8:00 so we will be there at 9:30. I made her laugh and she was at work so I will consider that as good deed #2 (unless you count the podcast and this blog ...#3 and #4) Thanks a lot for stopping in and be sure to do YOUR good deed and listen to the podcast. Have a great night and I will probably talk to you tomorrow between all of the dentist appointments I may be taking Fabio to. TTTT...MITM (out) TA! 

The Fickle Fleeting Fate of Fame

This is earlier than I told you I would blog today but we did not record Dirty Laundry Podcast yet. Cha Cha did not come home last night. I am confident that she will be back tonight and we will record it then. I could say why she told me at the last minute last night that she wasn't coming home but then you wouldn't be enticed to listen to the podcast tomorrow. The pod will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, if Cha Cha returns, there'll be pod..." At least I am honest about my teases unlike most of the "entertainment" community.

I am once again faced with the dilemma of what I blog about so that the podcast is fresh and different. I try really hard not to "talk" about the same things on each but I cannot help but crossing-over from time to time. We do talk about what is on the blog on the podcast occasionally but not much. Maybe we should do a feature on the podcast called "the blog week in review." Hmmm, that is actually a thought. I should have Cha Cha do that feature because it would make her read the blog. I think I will mention it on the podcast and see how she reacts. I may even lie and say we got listener mail that asked for this. See, if she read the blog she would know what terror awaits her tonight when we record the podcast. This may be one of those moments like when Laverne and Shirley or Mork or Trapper John or Maude or The Jeffersons or Fish or Sheriff Lobo got their own shows. That is a huge list that could go on forever. Did you even know that The Misadventures of Sherriff Lobo was a spin-off? If you did you spend too much time on television. That's why I majored in Radio/Television in college - so I wouldn't have to feel guilty in my life watching TV and doing podcasts and things normally done by couch potatoes; it's research and continuing education. I am working on a triple doctorate.

I love apes, all kinds

The Duchess of whatever (I am not sure if it's Cambridge or York or whatever - I'm not being disrespectful) is apparently pregnant. Being pregnant is an exciting time for a woman, her husband and the rest of the family (I remember how excited five-year-old Splenda was when Cha Cha was pregnant with Fabio) but can you imagine if the entire country, the entire world, knew about your pregnancy early in your pregnancy? I feel bad for this poor girl. She thought she knew what she was getting into. She thought love was worth what she was going to have to endure. Does love really conquer all? This will be the true test. It is a real-life Disney story. A beautiful princess, an evil queen (I don't really think The Queen is evil - the media is really the evil queen in this story), a handsome prince, a poisoned apple (the lies and stories)... Now they are saying that maybe she is having twins and Prince Harry never has a chance to be King... why does the media (evil queen) just like to start crap (poisoned apple)? Maybe if we did that on the podcast and I did that on the blog we would be famous and huge but that is not me/us. I honestly think there is room for people being nice and entertaining at the same time. At least I hope so and the podcast and the blog will probably die trying.

I just added that photo of TV Guide (incidentally, I think apes should have their own planet) and realized I had forgotten all about Judy Landers. How is that even possible? I am going to check and see "where is she now?" She trained at Juilliard...I didn't see that one coming. She married ex Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Tom Niedenfuer in 1987 and lives in Sarasota, Florida. They have two daughters. Two daughters makes me think....what about Audrey Landers? She is married and still sings and acts and has been in a lot. She has twins (coincidence or blogging fate?) Both Landers sisters seemed (probably still are) very nice (like the blog and the podcast); fame is so fickle and fleeting.

I have apparently gained BDD (blogger deficit disorder) so it's time to call this a wrap. I am jumping all over the place like I have a MITM Time Machine or something. Thanks a lot for stopping in and, hopefully, the beautiful Cha Cha will return to me tonight and we can record a podcast. TTTT (92% probability)...MITM (out to deal with the voices in my blog)  Have a great day, TA!

I Wrote a Blog Today, Oh Boy!...

Not Today For This Toad!

Hi again. Thanks for coming back unless this is your first time here and then thanks for clicking on this by accident. As long as you're both here you may as well stay and see what some moron in the MIDDLEwest is up to today.

Today has been very productive so far. I worked for the first six hours of the day (midnight to 6:00AM), I fixed one of the upstairs toilets that hadn't been flushing properly, I took the dog to the groomer (and went back and picked her up, of course), I made egg salad (including the boiling and peeling of the eggs, of course), I went to the hardware store to get the stuff to fix the toilet (before I fixed the toilet, of course), I helped a lady load a chair into the back of her truck - she was trying to do it alone outside of the store where I bought the toilet supplies (always the good samaritan), I took a one hour and 17 minute nap while the dog was at the groomer... Those were the main things so far; it's only 1PM so I will get more done. I will definitely take Fabio to basketball and pick him up, I will certainly fix dinner (unless we have egg salad), I will record a podcast with the lovely and talented Cha Cha J. Muggs and I am sure some other things. Now that I have that out of the way, along with my mini todo list I will forge-on. Oh yeah,I also lined-up a guest for nest week's podcast.

I started a Twitter account under "Matt Helser" yesterday. I had forgotten that I has started one under "Matt The Agitator" awhile back so now I have two but it will not allow me to link the two. I guess I will start to Tweet as Matt Helser. If you were one of the "followers" of Matt The Agitator please follow Matt Helser now until I forget that I have that Twitter handle too. I haven't set it up on my mobile devises yet; baby steps. I am already following 15 Tweets: Steve Martin (the comedian not one of my former asshole bosses with the same name), Gary Shandling, Kevin Smith, Albert Brooks, St. Louis Cardinals, Weird Al Yankovic, Ben Stiller, Jim Gaffigan, Cha Cha, Splenda, Norm MacDonald, Barack Obama, my friend Dena, Matt The Agitator and another one my Cha Cha. If you have any suggestions for good Tweets to follow let me know. If you have one I want to follow you - TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!

The Walking Dead "mid-season finale" was this past Sunday. It was good but the ending / cliff-hanger was exactly what I expected. That means either I am really smart or they are really predictable. In this case it is the latter. For the most part this show does the unpredictable so I will cut them some slack. It's a really great show and I thank Dirty Laundry Podcast Entertainment Director Greg Weindorf in my head every time I watch the show. That is to say I thank him in my head, he is not an imaginary character in my head. He is the one that convinced Cha Cha and I, and Fabio by default, to watch the show. If you have not gotten involved because you didn't want to start mid-stream there is a The Walking Dead marathon on AMC on New Year's Eve / New Year's Day. The next new shows start in February. I have always been a fan of movie and television monsters/Munsters but I have never really cared for zombies but I do like this show.

I am going to try to take a nap before I have to do the basketball run. I will blog again tomorrow but it will probably be later because tomorrow is the day I usually promote the new podcast in the blog and it would be silly to tell you that "the new podcast" is ready when, in fact, it is not ready. There are plenty of previous shows, 88 to be precise, that you can listen to. Consider it a Dirty Laundry Podcast marathon preempting The Walking Dead marathon. Some of the shows are not still available since we have just a certain amount of room but I have all 88 on disc if you need a fix beyond what is still up. Thanks again for being here and for continuing to come back. Have a great night and most of the day tomorrow until I tell you to have a nice day and/or night again then. TTTT...MITM (Sleeping Dead) TA!

It's that Caring Time of Year Again!

Howdy doody! It's Monday for you... my condolences. Your Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. Tell me why, I do like Mondays, tell me why, I do like Mondays...!

Just got home from taking Fabio to his trainer; he goes three days a week now. He hates it but he loves it - that's how it is supposed to be so I think we are on track. After the trainer we went to Barnes and Noble to get him a book he needs for school. Being at the book store reminded me of why print is dying. Print will never die but it will continue to die a slow death the way we have known it because of people like these book stores and the artist formerly known as Borders have done. We walked in and immediately were pounced upon to purchase their NOOK. That is their electronic book like the Kindle. See, even they know that the way print is currently is on the way out and I appreciate that they are wise enough to try to be part of the revolution when their stores close. This dude pushing the NOOK is standing their committing suicide; once everybody buys the electronic books he will no longer be needed. The Irony!!!! They are forcing this guy to drink the Kool-Aid. So, we get the book Fabio needs (maybe we should have gotten it for the NOOK) and we go to pay for the book. There was one woman ringing people up (that is an old-world term for scanning a bar code and taking the payment in the old days when we went to store to buy things) and there was a line of about five people waiting like lemmings to pay for their soon-to-be antiques/collector's items. So we stood there and stood there while NOOK-boy just stood by the door watching the zero customers coming in. Nobody ever thought that maybe he, who was doing nothing, should come over and get the line moving while "grandma thousand questions" was figuring out if she wanted to check-out or not. So, finally, we get to the front of the line and buy our one book and are asked, "would you like to donate a book to our local book drive today?" I always so, "no thank you." It's just a way for them to trick us into buying more of their books. It's a nice thing but why don't they just donate some books and write them off to charity? They would rather do this and still have us pay for them so they can double-dip. We donate a lot directly to charities and that way we know it really gets where it is supposed to go. We used to go to the homeless shelter in town every year and take a bunch of food, including a huge ham. We haven't done that in a few years but maybe we need to start that again. I am glad I wrote this to remember me of that. Now that I think of it Cha Cha and I drove up to Wisconsin last year with a carload of non-perishables to help soldiers and their families that were effected by flooding or something. That was organized by my good buddy John Roehlk. I am sorry for the long paragraph but this kind of writing apparently isn't even close to dead.


Our local college football team, Northern Illinois University, has been invited to The Orange Bowl. It has become quite a controversy in the world of college football that such a small school team gets such a big shot. I have followed the team for several years, living in the town and all and having worked many of the football games, and they have gotten better and better every year and they do deserve this. Their quarterback, Jordan Lynch, is even being mentioned in a lot of Heisman Trophy talks. I am going to talk about it on the Dirty Laundry Podcast when we record tomorrow so I will leave it at that for now.

Well, I have to think about getting ready for work. I guess by blogging that I have to think about getting ready to work means I was already thinking about it. Have a great night and thanks a lot for spending time with my thoughts. They are lonely most of the time in my head and enjoy your company. Tomorrow I have to take Maisy to the groomer; I am sure she's very excited. I will get to blogging in between that and trying to sleep and podcasting and taking Fabio to basketball... TTTT...MITM (primping out) TA!

Champagne Wishes and Caviar Blogs!

Today begineth the second 750 installments of Matt In The Middle. When I get done with these 750 I will have written 1,500 blogs. Cha Cha has left me again. This time she went with her brother, sister and sister-in-law to the Iowa/Illinois border to Augustana College. Our two nieces (kneeses) will be there too. I am getting pretty ried of missing everything for the last year or so. Do you think Cha Cha has a boyfriend in Iowa? If so, her good for her; I have always felt she could have done better.

I just had to walk around because my foot fell asleep. Isn't that a sign of good fortune to come? Maybe it is poor circulation. I always get those two confused with one another.

I just read the story of Jovan Belcher. a linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs. He got into a argument with his girlfriend at home and shot and killed her and then went to Arrowhead Stadium, where the Chiefs play, thanked his coach and the team's general manager and then shot and killed himself in front of them. Nothing has been released as a motive but I am sure every one of the 20 hours of football coverage will talk about this tomorrow. They have a baby who is now an orphan. These things always baffle me.

I really am not in a blogging mood. Can't we just cuddle?

Dennis Quaid has filed for divorce from his third wife. I didn't know or I just don't remember that he was marred to Meg Ryan (you remember her) and P.J. Soles (she was in Stripes). His newest wife filed for divorce back in March but changed her min and now he decided to end it all. Maybe a guy who has been in more movie than Kevin Bacon, Mel Blanc, Ron Jeremy, Ned Beatty and Mickey Rooney combined should remain single. It doesn't seem like he would have enough time for a family.

Is this blog turning into a gossip column? Am I the new Rona Barrett? Why do I know who Rona Barrett is? Why isn't she around anymore? She started all of this gossip crap and now where is she? Does she get royalties every time somebody gossips? Why is it called gossip? Wikipedia says she is still alive. Whatever happened to Where Are They Now shows? With the internet I suppose we don't need Rona Barrett or Where Are They Now shows do we? Maybe Rona Barrett should do a Where Are They Now show with Robin Leach - Wikipedia says he is also still alive.

Have a great rest of your weekend. I would but I have other plans. You know I cannot leave without reminding you to listen to Dirty Laundry Podcast (also available on iTunes) if you haven't yet. It's better than the blog because it has Cha Cha there too...I promise you'll laugh at least once or triple your money back (it's free so there will be no money back in case you haven't listened because you figured something so amazing couldn't be free). I really am very thankful for you. TTT (Monday, most likely)...MITM (out) TA!

A Bunch of Bull & Teeth and Lots & Lots of Blogs!

I know you have been wondering, "what are some of the former Chicago Bulls up to?" so I thought I would fill you in. Michael Jordan just got banned from a Miami Beach golf course for wearing cargo pants on the course against the club's dress code. The course's dress code states that "members and guests must be attired in a collared shirt and Bermuda shorts." He's Michael Frickin' (Jeffery really though Frickin' would be an awesome MIDDLE name) Jordan. I wish I would have thought of "Frickin'" as a MIDDLE name when Splenda and Fabio were born; it could have become a family name. Scottie Pippin, as most of us know, played basketball with President Obama on the day of the Presidential election. And, as far as Dennis Rodman you can spend time with him tomorrow night for $59 or $129 for the VIP treatment. Saturday, December 1st you can watch a basketball game (on television in a bar) with Rodman. (here's a link) You get to ask him questions at half-time and you will automatically be entered in the "Dress Like Dennis" contest and you get two drink tickets and a "photo opportunity" with Dennis Rodman. For the $129 it sounds like you get open bar during the game and an autographed 16" x 20" photo of Dennis. I am tempted to call in sick to work but since I never have and I wrote that here now I probably won't. Hopefully I don't really get sick or they won't believe me though you're the only one who actually reads this blog so don't tell them okay?

Does it distract anybody else that period-piece films (westerns, colonial. pirate, past wars...) always have people with perfect teeth in them? Perfectly straight bright white teeth? It distracts from the realism for me. Straight, white teeth are fairly new to the masses I think. I get over it rather quickly but it always throws me back for a moment. Hollywood can make perfect wounds or a great looking zombie but they cannot do tooth make-up or use a prosthetic set of teeth?

I just saw that this is my 750th blog. If I had written one page of my novel a day like I have this blog (I have skipped a lot of days) I would have a pretty good book written by now. Or a pretty lengthy screenplay. But then I wouldn't have written this blog unless I had written twice as many pages. Next year, if the Mayans were wrong, (I still don't know if it's Maya or Mayans) I will have written my 1000th blog. Yikes!

I have to hurry and finish this because I didn't sleep much yesterday, I worked all night and now I am home and have taken my two Benadryls. I may fall asleep mid hunt-and-peck if I don't wrap this up soon. Remember to listen to this week's Dirty Laundry Podcast; it's a hoot. Last week's is pretty good too. And so on and so on and so on... I don't have to wake until about 3:15 so I can take Fabio to his trainer. The trainer must be helping because Fabio scored 19 points in yesterday's basketball game and he hit three of four three-pointers. He had a couple of great blocks too. They won my 19 points.

Okay this was a heck of a 750th blog day. Thanks a lot for being part of this ride so far I will jeep om keepin' on. I dozed off for a moment so I am done. TTT751 (maybe tomorrow)...MITM (out not looking a day over 725. TA!