Pros and Cons of the "Titutions"

Well, now we can spend more time with the wives and kids and get some golf in. Isn't that what the professional athletes say when they are done with their seasons? We were down 8-0 going into the 6th inning last night, we scored 5 in the 6th and in the 7th we had a rally going with guys on second and third but couldn't get it done. Errors, errors, errors...don't win baseball games. It's bittersweet. Good season Cardinals...you're a great bunch of boys. Thank you for the excellent "lemonade" after the game Bill and Karyn...mucho delicioso and I really was thirsty! And to think I passed up a starring role in the new Transformers movie being filmed in Middle-Chicago to coach baseball this season. Oh well, those kind of offers are a dime a dozen when you're a big-time Middle-famous blogger. I'll just wait for the next one.

Supposedly they have found two El Chupacabras in Texas. I have seen the photos and after the dog show I worked last weekend it seems like these El Chupacabras look a lot like Doberman Pinschers. If you are not familiar with El Chupacabra it is the mythical (or is it?) beast that kills livestock and got the name El Chupacabra which literally means "goat sucker." Authorities are going to do DNA testing on these beasts to see what they really are. I should probably contact the authorities about the Big Foot pelt, the Loch Ness Monster scales, the Martian hand and the Cubs World Series trophy that I uncovered while I was planting trees earlier this Spring. I think our house is built over an Ancient Hoax/Myth burial ground. Sorry about the slam against the Cubs but I'm a Cardinals' fan and sometimes we get tired of all the Cub fans' taunts and it just comes out...it has since 1908. It's just good-natured MIDDLE-town USA ribbing.

Yesterday, while I was running errands "around town, take it around town..." I ended-up downtown to pay the Omptometric bill which is right across from the Farmer's Market. I had to stop by...it was KISMET! You know where I went...only one stop in the market because I was in a hurry. I had to have my weekly granola fix...Sunny Day Bakery!!! They have the best granola that I have ever had and all of their stuff is vegetarian like me...woohoo! While I was getting my bag of granola I looked down and saw "The Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie." It looked really ultimate so I got one. OMG!!! It was the best cookie that I have ever had and I don't think that's because I don't eat many cookies anymore either. The ingredients say that the chocolate chips have "no dairy" (vegan)...how can the best chocolate chip cookie I have ever had have no dairy? Who cares...now I have to get a weekly cookie and granola along with my occasional jalapeno bread. I swear I have no vested interest in Sunny Day Bakery. I just love their tye-dye, they are very nice people and their food rocks! You need to get down there next Thursday and get you some granola.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was on one of the late night shows last night. I think it was Jimmy Fallon but when I am up late and trying to fall asleep I will set the TV timer to go off and grab my board (remote) and hit the waves (airwaves though now it enters through a satellite dish via coaxial cable) and catch some tasty waves for some channel surfing. So, it could have been Craig Ferguson but IT WAS NOT JAY LENO - he has garnered a life-time ban from televisions in my home for being a douche (I love that word). Anyway, "Love" is starring in a movie about a housewife who turns to prostitution to support her family in a Lifetime movie called "The Client List." During the interview she said that "more women in the U.S. are entering sex-worker positions to help their families earn money (than ever before)." It's like "Weeds" but with sex instead of mary jane. I need to buy a small second house and get some "wives" (we could say we're Mormons) and with my Middle entrepreneurial spirit start me a business. Can you imagine the franchising opportunities? Are these businesses real or are these myths like El Chupacabra? Give me a call if you know of a house like this or are looking for work as a "wife"; I need to do some field research maybe through a summer internship or something. I may blog about it but I will not disclose vital/detrimental information - I am very discrete. I am protected by the Constitution not to divulge my sources! Hey, "constitution" is very similar to "prostitution" (one has it's "pro's" and one has it's "con's). Wow, I am super-clever by accident sometimes; I'd better patent/trademark/copyright that phrase right now as intellectual property of Matt Helser 2010...consider it done!

Have a great Friday...it's only going to be 100 degrees with 200% humidity again today in the MIDDLEwest. I am contemplating going to a car show in Elburn tomorrow, literally in the MIDDLE of a corn field, but maybe not if it's going to be 1000 degrees again. If you want to go give me a call and we can go together or I will meet you there. The have LOTS of corn fresh from the field! Blog you again tomorrow...you miss me already don't you?

** chupacabra "photo" lochness'd from uncoverer.com, sunny day graphic beamed from netads.com and "the client list" photo titutioned from daemostv/com **