Matt in the Middle: I Want it Now!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

I Want it Now!

Which ice cream is clear? Vanilla? Pineapple Sherbet? Sorbet?

It is 19:10 on Wednesday night. I am calling-off from work tonight because I need to try to get on a regular sleeping schedule tonight so I can do my interior body flushing tomorrow for my anal intrusion on Friday. I was reading through the pre-invasion battle plans and I see the doctor who will be performing the procedure is named Bubba and I have to wear an orange jump suit. Orange is the new brown.

The new load of Dirty Laundry Podcast (Load #157) is ready to make you laugh and think and hum and feel better about yourself.

With having tonight off I now have begun a five-day weekend. I am headed to Milwaukee Friday right after my anal raping. I wonder if I will get drunk ~~quicker~~ cheaper with my entire body void of sustenance.

It quickly turned into 20:15. I think I will go to bed. This is almost the time I am usually waking up to get ready for work. When I wake-up in the morning I will be on a 100% clear liquid diet for over 24 hours. At 06:00 I am supposed to drink something called SUPREP (16 ounces) and then another 32 ounces of water/clear liquid within the next hour. Vodka and gin are clear. I am a great drinker (I went to Southern Illinois University you know - we are the ones that ruined Halloween for everyone else). I think I will just chug the 48 ounces down straight away and then pee for the next two hours straight. The peeing part wasn't that big a problem back in the late 1980's in Carbondale when I was much younger. If I drink 5 1/2 cans of ginger ale or 7-Up... one right after another I bet I could burp for three minutes straight and then pee for three hours straight. I may as well make losing my anal virginity YouTube-worthy. Ginger ale is kinda yellow; does it qualify for "clear?"

It is 04:00 now. I would still be at work for another two hours usually. Today, instead, I have already slept the night and I am awake for the day finishing this blog. When I have something to ~~eat~~ drink later I believe I will have chicken broth. Hey, that is kinda yellow too so, I am making the comparative assumption that ginger ale is "clear" enough. I am kind of excited to get rid of all of the crap (pun sort of intended) in my system. I'd like to believe that once I am cleaned out I could remain cleaned-out but, though I will try, I will kill my body with crap again. Why do we do things to ourselves even though we know they are harmful? I am a total immediate gratification kinda guy. I really dislike that quality about me sometimes. But, then other times, that is my best quality. Instant gratification and harmful = fast food and drive-up windows.

While finishing this blog this morning I have been watching American History X. I have seen this film at least seven or eight times. It is extremely disturbing but a great movie. I have always liked Edward Norton and disliked prejudice so it makes sense that I would like this movie. I did not even think of it until writing this paragraph ~~butt~~ but there is one particular scene on the movie that is similar to what I will be experiencing in about 26 hours. At least I get drugs prior to my shower scene.

I will probably blog again later today and post it EARLY tomorrow morning. I think I am going to set up a "desk" in front of the commode so I have evacuate and blog at the same time. Multi-tasking and prep is a big part of immediate gratification. Ironic that IMMEDIATE requires planning. Thanks a lot for stopping in. Check out the podcast and I will blog at you in about 20 hours. TTTT...MITM (out) TA!

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Matt In The Middle Blogssary

47% Rule - Matt in the Middle is 47 % estrogen
53% Rule - Matt in the Middle is 53% testosterone
Agitator (the) - Matt's podcast name (revealed in blog and podcast number 2
B. S. - blog stuff
Big Sexy - Jay Cole's drink of choice (Jack and Coke) - doesn't necessarily have to be Jack
Blogcast - our podcast (Dirty Laundry)
Bloggestion - now in Urban Dictionary meaning something suggested on a blog or taking a few minutes to understand (like suggested or digested)
Blogging Suit - like a NASCAR driver's racing suit with all of the sponsors patches
Blogssary - blog glossary
Blogisodes - episodes of this blog
BWAK - blogged with a kiss
Ca-Ching - the sound of the cash register as I try to gain sponsors that will never actually happen (I'm not really that delusional) - same as ka-ching
Cha Cha - revealed to be Sugar Momma's new name on premier podcast
Cheese & Quackers - our resident ducks. she is cheese and he is quackers
Ciaoloha - MITM's new mega-word "discovered" on Columbus Day 2011. It combines "hello," "goodbye," "love," "podcast" and "blog" into one happy little package!
Copyright - something that I think is clever and original that needs to be protected as original intellectual material (like it would really hold up in court)
Dirty Laundry - our podcast/blogcast launched 4/1/11
Discomboobulated - a word Bret Michaels used on Celebrity Apprentice when he meant discombobulated though discomboobulated is an actual word
Fabio - the name my son preferred being called on the blog (the artist formerly known as Sparky)
Judii - the sister I never had but wish I did (my unofficial sister)
Ka-ching - the sound of the cash register as I try to gain sponsors that will never actually happen (I'm not really that delusional) - same as ca-ching
Kajunkles - used for people who don't know how to run correctly. Body parts moving against one another rather than together for the common goal of running (could be a noun, proper noun or a verb). Trying to accomplish something against seemingly impossible odds.
The Lost Sock - Cha Cha's brother (and my brother-in-law). One of the best people I have known in my life.
MADYM - One of my very good friends - Mary. She was given this name based on an acronym of her name by one of my other very good friends Stacee. Together they came up with the MITM theme song idea. She was also our maid of honor or matron of honor (I don't know the difference).
Middle - anything average or center (Middle of the country, Middle of life, average intelligence, a regular joe (or joan)...)
MITM - Matt In The Middle
Ms. Peabody - Maisy (our dog) because of Mr. Peabody
Nature Girl - Another very good friend- Sue. Given this name because of being a combination of Diane Fossey, Caroline Ingalls and Danielle Boone (lady Daniel)
Patent / Patent Pending - something that I think is clever and original that needs to be protected as original intellectual material (like it would really hold up in court)
PFT - Plasma Fun Time - donating plasma - twice a week.
Roz - my pink/fuchsia i-pod nano. Named for Roz Kelly who played Pinky Tuscadero on tv's Happy Days. She goes with me everywhere to play my life's soundtrack and measure my steps with her pedometer.
Sparky - my son's blog pseudonym (see also Fabio)
Splenda - my daughter's blog pseudonym
Sponsorship Patch - when I mention a known product to try to get sponsorships and want to put a patch on my blogging suit
Stacee - a friend from high school that is a great inspiration to me continuously. The Cosmos keep bringing us back together electronically (MySpace, Facebook, Blog...) even though we haven't "seen" each other for nearly thirty years.
Stuck In The Middle With You - Stealers Wheels theme song of MITM. Idea suggested by MADY and Stacee
Sugar Momma - my wife, Jill
Trademark - something that I think is clever and original that needs to be protected as original intellectual material (like it would really hold up in court)
TTTT - Ta Ta 'Til Tomorrow
TWSS - that's what she said
WTF - why the face?

Potato Soup

Ingredients Needed:
1 - 32 oz. box Vegetarian Vegetable Broth (I used Swanson's)
can substitute with chicken broth if you wish
1 - package of Country Gravy Mix (I used McCormick's)
okay to use sausage gravy mix if you wish
1 - 26 oz. package of frozen hash browns

Cook hash browns in a large pot. Cook potatoes until slightly browned stirring often so as not to burn the hash browns. While the hash browns are cooking prepare the country gravy mix as directed on package. Once the potatoes are done to your liking slowly pour the broth into the pot with the potatoes and reduce heat and simmer until hot. After the potatoes and broth are hot add the gravy mix and continue to simmer until thickened. Serve and eat.

** special note...I like it extra spicy so I add an extra package of county gravy mix to the finished mixture and whisk and heat.

Just like I always say - add whatever you want (peas, onions...) and make it your own. And, as always, ENJOY!

Sangria Wine Recipe (reposted from 4/22/10)

I also made Sangria yesterday to honor Earth's goodness (truthfully so I could get lit). I am not a wine drinker because most wines are too dry in my opinion and I am not a big fan of cotton-mouth. I liked the movie "Sideways" though so I want to like wine. I was watching Planet Green a couple of days ago while I was cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry like a real man and Emeril Lagasse was making paella on "Emeril Green". He also threw in, as an after-thought, Sangria so I hit the record button. Well he did it very fast and didn't say measurements or anything but he gave the basics so I came up with my own recipe and I think it turned out well though I made A LOT! Sugar Momma says I am a man of excess - isn't that what "man" means? Anyway, here's my Sangria recipe but I suggest you might want to cut the volume down unless you are having a small country over for dinner:

ingredients (I would suggest cutting the liquids in half)

3 liters of inexpensive Shiraz (Frontera Mendoza 2009)
1 cup of Grand Marnier
1 cup of brandy
1 cup of lime juice
3 limes
3 lemons
2 granny smith apples
2 large oranges
12 oz. sugar
33.8 oz sparkling water (Pellegrino)
64 oz. orange juice
ice

In a HUGE bowl slice the fruit and cover with sugar, mix. Add Shiraz and stir. Add ice to hold the fruit under while it drowns in the wine. Add Grand Marnier and brandy and stir. Add lime juice, orange juice and sparkling water and stir. Let sit for awhile so the tastes blend. Taste and add ingredients to taste (I added a little more lime juice and sugar). Find the biggest vessel you own for storage (mine is a pot like they used in those headhunter movies to cook people which is now sitting on our stove). Sweet and fruity just like me. Share with your friends/neighbors and your boss at review time.

Caprese Paninis

Ingredients you will need:

good loaf of bread (I used Italian bread)
mozzarella cheese
pesto sauce (I used jarred Classico brand - found by pastas)
fresh basil leaves
extra virgin olive oil
tomatoes

And here we go:
slice the bread and brush extra virgin olive oil on both sides of each slice. Clean and separate basil leaves. Slice tomatoes. Grate Cheese. Lightly grill one side of each slice of bread. Flip the bread when lightly toasted. After flipping the bread spread pesto on the toasted side and top with shredded cheese while the other side toasts. Once the second side is toasted and the cheese is starting to melt remove it from the

grill and top with two slices of tomato side-by-side and put a basil leaf on each tomato slice. Remove another slice of the toast with the pesto and cheese mixture from the grill and place it cheese/pesto side down on top of the tomato and basil'd toast to form a sandwich. (They could just as easily be done in a frying pan or on a George Foreman Grill...)

Done! Very simple and delicious!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

I Want it Now!

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