A Dead Blog in the MIDDLE of the Day!

I have such a bad sinus headache I wish my head would explode. I have adult onset allergies. I am not sure if there's such a thing but I didn't have hay fever when I was younger and I have it now so I think it must be adult onset right? Why do they call it hay fever when it's actually more of a pollen fever. I am not even sure what that means I just heard it growing up and figure it must be something. I know what pollen is but I am not certain that's what the sinus headaches are about. Some people get these headaches in their frontal lobe area but I tend to get them in the back and when I press at the brain stem area I can feel the liquid, I am assuming is mucus, draining down my throat. Why must we have allergies anyway?

Thinking about my sinuses makes me think about smelling which makes me think about the skunks I see almost every night. The other night I saw four following each other. More precisely one was following one and the another one was following that one and another one was following that one and then another one was following that one. I have cornered three of them and one cornered me and I have not been sprayed YET. All they want is to be left alone and they don't want to spray things but that is their main defense. The are lovers, not fighters, and I have come to learn that is the whole idea behind the PePe Le Pew cartoons. I was very sad last week when saw one of the skunks dead in the middle of the road. I rarely see dogs and cats dead in the road but recently I have seen the skunk and a fox; we see different things out in the MIDDLE of the cornfields. I imagine in Australia they see dead kangaroos in the road. I have never seen that before. In Africa probably zebras and giraffes occasionally. That would be weird to me but they would think the same thing seeing a skunk or a fox I suppose.

Why do we have to have all of the campaigning for the President of the United States (POTUS) job? I bet we all know who we are going to vote for already and we probably won't change our minds so why all of the bologna? I know it's probably all about money in their pockets and endless vacations for them but I am sick of it already.

It just dawned on me that I am eating a banana and watching Planet of the Apes. That is not a euphemism it is literal. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yesterday I purchased a pedometer APP for my iPod (I bet that sentence would have confused everybody at the turn of the century). Roz likes when I buy her things so she was very excited but it really wore her out. I walked a lot last night for about seven straight hours. I walked nearly eight miles in the first three hours and it wore ROZ out, literally. Apparently the APP I bought really drained the battery. The battery had been fully charged and was totally dead due to the constant use. By my calculations I walked about 15 - 16 miles last night. No wonder my feet ached a little last night. I have to figure out how to make the battery not drain so fast. I tried dimming the screen thinking that maybe less light meant less battery? It only works when the screen is displayed because I tried that too.
I have to get rid of this headache and make dinner and maybe take a nap so I am done for today. I will probably blog tomorrow before we podcast. I have been thinking about blogging while we podcast. I am not sure if it would be distracting to me or for you or what I would blog about. Maybe I would just do a podcast log blog (trademark/copyright/patent...). The Dirty Laundry Podcast Log Blog - I think I like it. Have a great Monnight and thanks for stopping by for a spell. Smell you later... great now I am thinking about the dead skunk again. TTTT (one way or another)...MITM (out)

I don't know why I added that photo other than Cha Cha looks like a skunk. We are supposed to Sonny and Cher but we looked more like Ron Jeremy and Lady GaGa...TA!

I Am The Mattster of Style!

Tanning Mom!

I decided to blog because I had something on my mind but now I don't so I guess I will wrap it up. Part of that is true - the I forgot why I decided to blog part.

I plugged a mouse into my laptop because I got tired of the cursor spooking around wherever it wanted to whenever it wanted to. I look out my EVP (electronic voice phenomenon) recorder and it mentioned a ghost n the machine and the mouse must be a sort of garlic for the ghost. So, now the cursor stays where I put it and everybody's happy except the ghost of cursors past.

Remember the woman who was supposedly taking her daughter into the tanning booth with her daughter? The one who looked like she was from a Smashmouth video (that's a Walking On the Sun link to the video there if you feel like watching it). She has not tanned in a month and she actually looks pretty good. She's no longer the offspring of Kool-Aid Man and a Nerf basketball. She looks about 20 years younger. She kind of looks like Meg Ryan instead of Irene Ryan now. I am sure she had some professional do her hair and stuff and now she will probably be a reality show star or something but it was a world intervention that actually worked. Sometime public ridicule actually works. Now that she has lost her tan I bet Hugh Hefner gets her to lose something else. Some people are about preying on others who are somewhat misguided to make a buck while seeming like they are charitable and trying to help them.

Sorry I left for a moment I went the kitchen and got a bowl of blueberries and blackberries. The berry world has been living a lot longer in harmony a lot longer than the human world. I guess berries have probably been around longer than we have? I love pretty much all berries. My favorites, in case you're keeping track for a huge surprise berry festival in my honor, are: blueberries, Halle Berry, blackberries and raspberries but I would say I like all berries except dingle-berries. I am also having a bowl of cottage cheese with black pepper. Why are there different curd sizes of cottage cheese? Are curds and whey actually cottage cheese? I am Little Matt Tuffett!

Now I know why my dad said to always wear a belt

A man got kicked off a Spirit Airlines flight for wearing pants that were too baggy. I am tired of that baggy pants look and do not understand why they are doing that. In case you are not aware of the craze it is men wearing their pants below their butts with their boxer shorts hanging out and a belt keeping the pants strapped around the thighs. When you see these people all they are doing is pulling their pants up constantly. Most of these people, I believe, know where this look comes from but still wear there britches this way. I will explain it in case you are one of these droopy drawers wearing people and don't know what you are "advertising." This fashion statement comes from prison. Certain people wear their pants this way so other male prisoners can have easier access to their back doors. Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day was also kicked off a plane for wearing his jeans this way awhile back. I see several people wearing their pants this way every day. Why is it always men? I wouldn't mind seeing this look on women now and again but women, in general, are too smart to do something that looks this ridiculous except for maybe Bjork or Lady Gaga. It must be a good work-out though because most of the people I have seen dressed this way are thin. Maybe it's from running from potential "suitors." I bet Chick-fil-A doesn't allow this look in their restaurants.

Enjoy your Sunafternoon and Sunnight and thanks for stopping-in. I am watching Godfather II and keep seeing commercials about beaten and starving animals and Allysa Milano keeps coming on and telling me about how I can help starving children for 5o cents a day. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! I feel bad enough about myself as it is and I don't need you reminding me about what a piece of crap I am. TTTT...MITM (out and feeling guilty even though I have never been Catholic). TA!

I Thought it was a Different XXX Olympics....DRATS!

OLYMPICS!!!!

I woke up and sat down to eat lunch or breakfast or whatever it's called when you eat at 1:00 PM even though it's your first meal of the day and checked the channel guide and saw the "XXX Summer Olympics" was on and got all excited. I have been watching The Olympics off-and-on but thought this was something else so I go excited. I heard that one of the stars was named Destiny Hooker and it all made sense to me. I hadn't realized these were the XXX Olympics. I have seen a lot of people who could easily do very well in the porn industry in these games but now I always have a different show going on in my head. Can you imagine the stamina these people have?  I also didn't realize that these were only the 30th Olympics. I know they took a break during World War II but I thought they went back to ancient Greece. That means that The Olympics began in my lifetime and I probably went to high school with Socrates, Hippocrates and Dirtyknees. No wonder I feel so old sometimes. I just mentioned to Cha Cha that these are the XXX Olympics and she said John Stewart talked about that on The Daily Show with John Stewart on Monday so now I look like a hack. I don't watch that show regularly so I didn't see that. Maybe I could write for their re-run shows because I guess I am a couple of days behind them. She said she didn't remember including the Destiny Hooker fact so maybe John Stewart does need me!!!!

Now I am thinking about lunch and breakfast. I know the word breakfast came from being the first meal of the day and it is because we are "breaking the fast" of not eating all night. So, I guess my first meal of the day is my breakfast no matter what time it is so lunch is usually my breakfast but then it's not my lunch. I have no idea where the word "lunch" may mean though I know it comes from the German word Lunchentach which means lunch I guess. And then there's that other meal. Why is that the only one that has several names? Dinner, supper, din din... why don't the other two meals have alternative words?

I heard that Stevie Wonder is getting divorced. He and wife, Kai Millard Morris, are ending their eleven year marriage. I suppose she doesn't want to be married anymore because he wouldn't let her be called Kai Millard Wonder and they saw things in the marriage differently. He was singing "Isn't She Lovely" to her at a party and he heard people murmuring that she wasn't and that really opened his eyes. What the Hell is wrong with me? Now he'll never let us play his music on Dirty Laundry Podcast. I am not sure if she is lovely or not but I always go for the easy joke because....it's easy!!!!

Taking out the trash no questions asked

Today is President Obama's 51st birthday. He's just a little more than two years older than me and he is the leader of the free world and I cannot even get my 15-year-old son to take out the garbage some weeks. I guess you're all lucky that I am doing what I am doing and I never sought his job. I wonder if Seal Team Six would have taken the garbage out if I told them to. When I say "take the garbage out" I mean take Osama Bin Laden out. Can you imagine President Obama asking the Seal Team, "why didn't you take the garbage out?" that they would have said. "I forgot"? I will vote for Obama again because he knows how to get the garbage to the curb.

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (Lady Ga Ga) started her own social network called Littlemonsters.com. I think I will start calling her S-JAG (her real initials). The opening page says, "share you passion and creativity in a community full of art, acceptance, monsters and Gaga." It sounds more like a Gaga worship site and I am afraid to enter. They are trying to trick people into entering the site by saying she posted a nude photo of herself on the site. A) I don't believe there is such a photo, B) I don't care to see it if there is one and, C) if she was so great she would be in the XXX Summer Olympics. Besides, who hasn't seen S-JAG nude already? I prefer her shrouded in meat - the main reason I am pescatarian.

Okay, I have pretended to entertain and inform you enough for today. It looks like rain, which really excites me even more than XXX Summer Olympics and if it does I am gonna take a nap before work. I love sleeping when it rains and even better if thunder sings background vocals. Thank you for stopping in; you know I appreciate you. I hope you have a great night and if you check-out S-JAG's social network and want to report on it for the podcast I would very much welcome that. There's the thunder (YEAH!!!!!) TTTT (probably)...MITM (out to let the lightning strike) TA!

Blog-fil-A (all races and sexual orientations always welcome)!

I sorta promised I'd blog today so I will sorta blog today.

The Olympics are still going on and tennis is happening now or last night or whenever it is/has happening.The cool thing about the tennis is that they are playing at Wimbledon. I am not sure if I like the professional athletes participating in The Olympics. I suppose it is more fun to watch the games but seeing Kobe and LeBron and Serena and Venus doesn't make it seem fair for these other kids who have dedicated their lives to their sports to all of a sudden have to play some of the best athletes to ever play their games. It's pretty cool if you beat them but come on. The Olympics, even though supposed to be about sportsmanship and the joy of playing the game, like most everything else, is about greed and money. For me as a kid that was the thing I liked most about The Olympics - it was about the sportsmanship and the anything could happen factor. That's the great thing about this blog and Dirty Laundry Podcast; they are free and honest...nobody is paying us to be their shills. Even if and when we get real advertisers we will be honest and not tout things we do not believe in.

We talked about Chick-fil-A on this week's podcast and since our broadcast this whole broo-ha-ha has grown and grown. I am not going to say that we were the acetylene that helped make this whole thing grow but you just do the math and come to your own conclusion. I think the biggest tragedy of this whole thing is that a company called Chick-fil-A is dumbing down our society. I realize they are based in Atlanta and maybe they aren't the sharpest tools in the shed but shouldn't it be Chick Filet? Chick No Gays, as I called them on the podcast, has a right to do whatever they want but just imagine if this was against a race of people. Who is the Jesse Jackson or Gloria Allred for the homosexuals? Somebody needs to step up and be their voice. I kind of wish I were gay so I could be that person. How about Cam and Mitchell from Modern Family? I know in real life only one of them is really homosexual but I think they need to make a commercial or something? Where are Rosie and Ellen? I know they have to worry about losing audience and maybe entertainers aren't supposed to use their celebrity for political purposes but if they don't stand-up for what they believe in to help aren't they just doing it for the money too? They have enough money...take a chance to make a change! This is your chance to make a difference. I have to say that even though I totally disagree with Chick-fil-A's stance I admire the CEO for going out on a limb for what he believes in - "closed on Sundays and no gays." I posted Colonel Sanders' response to the Chick-fil-A situation but in case you didn't see it HERE IT IS! I think it's pretty funny! I have never eaten at a Chick-fil-A and I never will.

How come none of our professional boxers are in The Olympics? All of our boxers have been eliminated. There must be a rule about Mike Tyson biting somebody's ear off for free.

Did you hear that MLB hall-of-famer Cal Ripken's mom was kidnapped last week? She was taken from her home outside of Baltimore and driven around in the trunk of her car for about 24 hours. She was found unharmed tied-up in the backseat of her car a day after she was abducted. They have no idea why she was taken. Was someone just tired of the rising gas prices and need the car for a day? I imagine it had something to do with the Chick-fil-A thing.

NASA has hired three companies to begin building "space taxis" to take astronauts to the International Space Station. Car-jacking is going to take on a whole new aspect when these "cars" are done. It would be a lot more difficult to find Cal Jr.'s mom if the taxi was abandoned between Jupiter and Saturn.

I have to take a nap before work so I am gonna wrap this up. Thank you for stopping in and read my rantings. I hope you have a great weekend (what I call Tuesday and Wednesday). It sounds like my days off are going to change soon (the 16th). I don't think my weekend will be the same as yours but maybe it will be closer. I think I will find out tonight what my days-off will be. We may change the days we record the podcast then too. Why do our lives have to work around our jobs? I thought we worked to enjoy our lives but we actually live for our jobs these days. One fight at a time I guess. TTT (maybe tomorrow) MITM (out)

It's Friday, I'm In Love!

"Matt be nimble Matt be quick."

It's Friday, I'm in love! Even though it's only my Friday (not only mine but I know I am in the minority in America). Tomorrow is really going to Saturday because we are loadin' up the family truckster and heading to the big city tomorrow. We're going to Chicago for the day. I love Chicago. I guess I should say I love living close to Chicago but I don't think I would like living there. Maybe I would but it's a lot more expensive and I like to be under the gaydar; too many people too close seems too intrusive to me and how could I be so eccentric if people were giving me crap about being so weird all the time?

I think we may actually record the podcast in Chicago. We have never really recorded the show on location before. We have recorded segments on the go but never the entire podcast. I don't what to expect but I am sure something will come of it. I can honestly say that I have learned at least one new thing every time we have recorded a show and this will be the same. If you're in the city and want to be on the show tomorrow let me know.

I have watched The Olympics off-and-on and have noticed that the audiences tend to be a bit sparse old chaps. I have not been the only one who has noticed as I have heard it off-and-on on the news. Maybe The Olympics aren't as big a deal as they used to be when we didn't have ESPN 8: The Ocho. I think the 24-hour news cycle and the 24-hour sports cycle have made it so The Olympics aren't that big a deal anymore. I am a huge sports fan and I was there when ESPN launched and I loved it; I still watch it a couple of times a week. Goodness knows I am one of those people who drive things into the ground when I like them (ironic isn't it?). I could list probably over 1,000 things I did ad nauseam over time so I consider myself a bit of an ad nauseam expert. I was also a Radio-Television major in college (mass media) as well as being world-renown podcaster and blogger so I  am pretty much a big deal in the media ad nauseum arena and we are a country who takes everything to the extreme. I am too lazy to find out what the controversy over the empty seats is saying but I imagine that the tickets are too expensive, you can't resell the tickets, I am not the only person that thinks "beach volleyball" should be played on a beach and not in a sandbox in a stadium, people are too busy eating fish and chips or tea and crumpets... I bet when Team USA plays basketball the seats will be full. Some of the sports are boring or difficult to watch live. If Chicago had won The Olympics bid I doubt that I would have wanted to go to battle the crowds and the security and the crime that follows such an event. At least Kate, Duchess of Cambridge was there. Why can't she just be called Princess Kate?

I am going to have to take a blogging break. I am going to drive Fabio and his buddy Adam to see Dark Knight Rises. Yes, it's the same movie that he and I saw and I talked about for quite a bit on Dirty Laundry Podcast but I guess he liked it and wants to see it again. It won't be as good as the first time as this one will not be in IMATT. Go ahead and get something to drink and eat and go to the bathroom and talk amongst yourselves and I will be back quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. What the hell does that mean? Does that refer to Jackie Robinson? I think I am going to start saying, "...quicker than you can say Jackie Robinson." People will look at me like I'm an idiot but you would be surprised how comfortable I am with people looking at me that way. Maybe you wouldn't be surprised with that but it is A LOT!

When I get back I am also going to download Lindsay Buckingham's Holiday Road onto Roz. Those Vacation references have gotten that song stuck in my head. He has some pretty good songs - even if you don't count the ones with Fleetwood Mac.

Did you miss me?

I just should have wrapped-up when I left because now the flow has stopped. Like there really was any flow. I feel like I have to leave you with one more thing but what?

I know...some advise. If you like Red Lobster either go there before they are all gone or just make peace with the fact that they will out-of-business soon and move on. That also goes for Olive Garden. They are in financial trouble along with Longhorn Steakhouse. Parent company, Darden Restaurants. They may just have a bad 2013 but the tough American economy is making these restaurants becoming too expensive to take a family to. The good thing is that you probably won't need a reservation or wait very long if you go.

I am going to wrap-up now and eat my $5.00 footlong from Subway and not think about Michael Phelps...damn, too late. What do you suppose you can get for $5 at Olive Garden or Red Lobster? Breadsticks and cheddar cheese rolls or whatever they are called? I am not sure if I will be able to blog tomorrow with going to Chicago and recording the podcast but I will try (probably not very hard though. TTT the podcast....MITM (country mouse heading to rub whiskers with the city mice) TA!

Prejudice Knows No Bounds!

I am either getting sick, very tired or dying. Of the three I think I would prefer sick the least. Maybe I am sick and tired of dying. I guarantee I am dying; once we are born that's actually what we are doing every moment we are alive isn't it? Dying!

Unless you have a cool car!

Michael Phelps got fourth place? I heard it on the radio. I heard the story not the event. How boring would swimming be on the radio? Not much more boring than watching it on television or in person I suppose. Is he gonna lose his Subway advertisements to Ryan Lochte who beat him and won the gold medal or to Peter Vanderkaay who already won a silver and a bronze in this year's Olympics? I know there are more events so maybe he will redeem himself to Jerrod. What do Olympic swimmers do after the Olympics? Life Guards? Swim Instructors? Synchronized shows in Las Vegas? Does synchronized swimming even still exist? Also, it still pisses me off that they have "beach volleyball" when it's actually played in some stadium and is clearly not a beach. It's sand volleyball! The Olympic Committee takes us for a bunch of morons. Or is it just the British?  

Last night we went to Aquaviva for dinner. I don't know if you remember the last time I went there with Cha Cha and MADYM and they ran out of bloody mary mix after I had one drink and I was the only one in the entire place drinking them? This time was even worse than last time and Cha Cha and I have agreed that we will never go back here. Time heals all wounds and never is a very long time so we we'll see how that goes.  I had to work afterword so I just drank Diet Pepsi which made me discover that they use well water for their ice cubes and their water tastes like ass. I have tasted ass when I was the last sled dog in the 1987 Iditarod and it is not delicious. The service was poor and I felt that a shuffle board match or a bingo game was gonna break-out any minute. Fabio and I met Cha Cha and Splenda there because they were coming back from IKEA so we had two cars. We drove up to the mandatory valet parking and gave them our keys. If you didn't read my blog the last time we went there I mentioned that they do the valet parking so they can park the cars by the road so they look busier than they are. I know this is true but they do something else that I did not consider - they practice auto-profiling. When we came out of the restaurant we noticed that all of the cars near the road were all of the nicest and trendiest cars. The Fiat made the cut at the $1.98 Little Miss Sunshine Automobile Beauty Contest as it was parked right up front. I had to wait for my 2004 Toyota 4-Runner to be brought around from the back of the bus restaurant. The 4-Runner still looks good but it didn't make the cut. I need to YELP about it again. The last time I YELPED about it was two years ago when they were real new. They are bust now, probably because I YELPED them with four stars but they are nowhere near four now.

I am done blogging for today because I had a lot more typed and then the computer erased stuff while I was looking at it. I have to figure out the ghost in this machine. My life is a hidden camera show and I am constantly the prey.


Have a great day and maybe I will blog again sometime . TTT??????...MITM (pissed - the mad kind not the drunk kind) TA!

Complaint Department is now Open

London Bridge is NOT falling down like they said

Happy Humpday (or probably Saturday to you). I just woke up and am watching Korea and against US of America in women's volleyball. It's funny how we call our country "land of the free" and "the free world" but we can only watch the Olympics on NBC when they decide we can so they can show us commercials. If you are in America try to watch the Olympics on the BBC on-line. They block it from us in America so we have to watch it on commercial television. I am sure there are ways around it but they don't make it easy to exercise our freedoms. I suppose that is what they mean by "freedom has its price."

Do you have a laptop? Why when I am typing on the laptop sometimes and I stop does the cursor move to somewhere else and I begin typing in the MIDDLE of another paragraph or sentence? Cha Cha says that it's because you hit something that moves it. She says that it doesn't seem like it but that is what happens. I try vary hard to make sure that nothing touches the keyboard while I am typing the blog but it still happens; it is very irritating.

Nicole Davis, #6 on Team USA, has one of the best tattoos that I have ever seen. I am not a fan of tattoos but this one is pretty cool for her. She has the Olympic rings on her nape. Some people call it the nape of the neck but isn't nape sufficient? It's like calling that taint the taint of the crotch (or some other unsavory word). She has it in all black instead of in the five colors.

I cannot believe I am going to miss Baconpalooza (see yesterday's blog). I have never been much of a bacon fan so I guess I can believe it. Also, I am a pescatarian again, ever since I got back from Texas, so there's two reasons. That makes me think...I went downtown yesterday to pick-up my watch that I had dropped off at Wright Jewelers Wednesday. I had taken it in because it was "sweating." When I would wear it outside in the heat/humidity, which was just about every night, the inside would build up condensation. It is a nice watch and Cha Cha had given it to me for one of our 24 anniversaries and I am a pretty sentimental person so it means a lot to me. I took it in and the lady there, "Old Lady Wright" I will call her, said he husband was off that day but would look at it and I could come back on Friday to pick it up. When I picked it up "Old Lady Wright" was in the store cutting the cheese, really cutting cheese and sausage not the funnier version of cutting the cheese, and talking to some other lady - presumably a customer. She got the watch and said her husband, "took the back off and let it dry out." I asked if he had found a bad seal or something and she said, "I am not sure but if he had I am sure he would have told me." I then told her in a sarcastic voice, like I do when I feel people deserve sarcasm (I was on the 1980 and 1984 USA Sarcasm Teams - "Miracle on Voice"), "I could have just let it dry out." She then she told me that he had replaced the battery and that would be $7. How do you tell when a watch battery is going bad if it is working fine? I paid the $7 and will never go back to that store again and I will blog about how they suck (that is what this is). You have lost a customer for $7 and for cutting the cheese. I have gone here a couple of times and always felt like their service skills stunk but I gave them a couple of chances and it's time to move-on. I should have known when I saw their little display last time on the glass counter front-and-center. It is a bronzed hand grenade that says "complaint compartment" and tells you to pull a number. I thought it was funny when I first saw it but now I realize it wasn't a joke. D & D Jewelers in Sycamore this serves as notice that you are on-deck and I am coming to you next time. I had bought Cha Cha a couple of rings there and they are nice so I will drive the extra miles to make them my jeweler. I never thought that I would have a jeweler...."I gotta a guy."

I guess I do need to be knocked on the head

One of the best players on Team USA's women's volleyball team is named Destiny Hooker. If your last name was hooker would you name your daughter Destiny? I think I would have named her Tulip Jean and just called her T.J. Hooker.

I gotta get showered. Cha Cha and Splenda went to IKEA and when they get back I think we are going to Aquaviva for dinner. I wish I didn't have to work later so I could have a Bloody Mary or seven. Have a nice Saturnight and thank you for stopping in. I will probably blog again tomorrow (not a pinkie swear though). I am really enjoying blogging again. I think I just had to slow-down for awhile; who knew you could get burnt-out from blogging. If you haven't already - please listen to this week's Dirty Laundry Podcast before I get burnt-out of that too (it's only once a week so I doubt that will happen). TTTT....MITM (wishing you an excellent jump/float serve) TA!