I Hope We Get Leftover Carryout!

Sugar Momma was at a taping of the WTTW Channel 11 (PBS) show "Check Please!" Wednesday night in Geneva, IL. They are reviewing Bien Trucha on State Street. There are already reviews on Yelp.com (actually 90 of them) but I would suggest we get there before this show airs because then it will become even more popular and crowded. There appears to be a local version of "Check Please!", visiting their local restaurants, in most television markets that have a PBS affiliate. Sugar Momma asked if I wanted to go but it’s getting difficult for me to go out in public without being mauled because of the popularity of Matt In The Middle. Also, I didn’t want to take away from the restaurant’s big night. I think they must have wanted Sugar Momma because the word probably got out that she has been in a feature film with Kathleen Turner (you MIDDLE-agers will remember her) called V.I. Warshawski. "Check Please!" pretty much does what I do, or more accurately I do what they do, over there ----> in the Matt In The Middle “Restaurant Review” section. It was 4:15 when I found out about it and I had to be there at 5:00 so it didn’t work out. I will let you know when it's going to air so you can watch Sugar Momma eat on television. I should start an IMDB of her.

Wednesday was a perfect day for hanging laundry out on the line. A little sun with a cooler temperature and a nice breeze. It probably would have been a good day for surfing too but there isn’t much of that going on in my neck of the corn and there were no concerts Wednesday during the day out here that I know of so laundry it was.

I worked out and did the usual arms and legs stuff but bumped the sit-ups tot 600 and upped the bike mileage to 20 miles. I don’t know if I’ll do that whole workout every time because it took about an hour-and-a-half but it was a good sweat and I still ache a little (no pain just ache). I went to the DVD rather that ROZ again though she was counting my peddling. Today’s workout was brought to you by The Ben Stiller Show. It’s fun to watch those old shows that you haven’t seen in awhile. This was a show on some new network called FOX when we only had ABC, CBS, NBC and PBS as networks. We all knew that the Fox Network would never last; I guess we weren’t counting on The Simpsons being so strong even though most of us have watched from the beginning obviously. Anyway, I got through 4 episodes of Stiller during my workout. In addition to the cast of: Ben Stiller, Bob Odenkirk, Janeane Garofalo, Andy Dick and John F. O'Donohue the episodes I saw included: David Cross, Dennis Miller, Gary Shandling, Gary Coleman, Casey Kasem, Danny Bonaduce with no facial hair and some kid named Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg now). I didn’t realize that one of the creators along with Ben Stiller was Judd Apatow. My favorite though is Bob Odenkirk because we went to SIU together and worked together at WIDB Radio(inner dorm broadcasting) at Southern Illinois University. He is from Naperville and my age (he's one year older actually) so officially a MIDDLE. He went on to write for Saturday Night Live for 13 years and have his own show on HBO (Mr. Show) and appear on and write for countless television shows and movies and I write this blog; boy did he miss out! You can see full episodes of the Ben stiller Show on HULU. They redirect you to the WB but I love HULU and all the movies and shows you can watch for free there. I have put the link to HULU over there -----> in the “suggested Links” section - if you need a laugh go there and search “Ben Stiller Show” and pick any episode or just watch a free movie or episodes of hundreds of television shows.

I heard today that Facebook is worth 34 billion dollars. Hey Gates and Buffett, have you contacted them yet?

Have a nice Thirsty. I know I've blogged it before but the name should be changed to thirsty instead of Thursday because it seems to be the night that most people go out to drink. Thanks for all the nice words lately about the blog; I am glad so many people like it. Spread the joy, tell your friends. If you don't like the blog, however, keep that to yourself please. I'll blog you again tomorrow when I have more to say (I rarely seem to be at a loss to blog). TT...MITM.

** check please! graphic tipped from alohaeats.com, ben stiller show photo ensembled from img1yicho.com & thirsty thursday graphic parrot-headed from barefootchildrenphc.com **

May The Blog Be With You...Always! (please don't sue me)

Congratulations to Miss Mexico for winning the Miss Universe Pageant and becoming Miss Universe. What a surprise - someone from EARTH won Miss Universe again. This is how wars of the worlds begin or maybe star wars.

I am confused about the albatross. Is an albatross a good bird or a bad bird? In golf an albatross is fantastic; it's 3 under par. But, if you have an "albatross around your neck", however, you are unlucky. As it turns out the albatross is a well-liked bird because in the poem The Rime of The Ancient Mariner it talks about how it is unlucky to kill an albatross and if you do you are forced to wear one around your neck like the captain in the poem. Thanks to Wikipedia I know that albatrosses are good and you should not kill them even by accident.

In yesterday's blog I wrote about the billionaires pledging half their fortunes to charity upon their deaths. Today I heard that George Lucas, one of the 40 American billionaires that has made this pledge, is trying to raise more money for his donation. George Lucas is suing a company called Jedi Mind, Inc. because they have developed a product that uses "Jedi mind tricks" to allow a person to control a computer application with their mind. They also have a product called the Jedi Mouse. Where did this company think this was okay? They couldn't use their Jedi Minds and figure out that these terms were the intellectual property of George Lucas? Now they are probably going to have to use their Millennium Falcon to go save Princess Leia or Queen Amadala so they can get a $5 million reward to pay when The Force is not with them in court.

I was working in the kitchen tonight and my son was watching Wizards of Waverly Place on the Disney Channel. I overheard someone talking about the Thomas Dolby Science Fair. I thought that was funny and clever but that's about the only time they didn't play the stupid laugh-track they have. So, when there's a funny joke they don't need a laugh-track and when they have a stupid joke they have to play a laugh-track to make you think you didn't get the non-existent joke. Miss Yakamoto...you're beautiful (that's for all of you other MIDDLE-agers who were there the day MTV launched and still played music videos. What does the "M" stand for now?).

Remember I wrote that I was thinking about applying for the opening with the Dekalb County Paranormal Society? Well, I ended up applying based on the advise of my good buddy Brian and today I received a phone call to set up an interview. They wanted to do the interview at their meeting on September 3rd but I will be out of the MIDDLEwest on the East Coast. So, they are going to reschedule their meeting just for me to September 11th. Is it a good omen or a bad omen that it will be on 9/11? He told me that they received 40 resumes for the one opening. I don't know if it's a paid position although they have business hours so maybe but I doubt it. I was just thinking that I could have great blogging material, get in touch with the other side, write a book or star in a television show about MIDDLEwest ghost hunting... He said they were very impressed by my resume and that I should bring any equipment I have to the meeting. I don't have any paranormal investigation equipment. What should I take. My camera? I have one of those headband flashlights for spelunking. Any suggestions? I am thinking about baking cookies or brownies or something and bribing them with my deliciousness. Should I just bring my laptop? My i-Pod with a "haunted" playlist? Sugar Momma said that if it turns out to be a real job she's not telling anyone what I do for a living...she could just say I am "Matt Helser, P.I." (paranormal investigator). Oh man...I like that (patent/copyright/trademark/dibs on the P.I. = paranormal investigator) I got the name for the show already...now I just have to get the gig.

Okay, I've rambled on long enough. Do something that makes you feel good Wednesday. I plan on bein' bustin' because "bustin' makes me feel good (speaking of videos on MTV)." Hey, did we win the lottery Tuesday night...I gotta check and if so I can get some radical and gnarly paranormal equipment and buy their love...blog you later Lord Darth Vader (property of George Lucas and Lucas Films...). TA!

** albatross photo double-birdied (ha) from ibrrc.ord, jedi mind, inc. graphic jedi mind tricked from svenontech.com, thomas dolby photo blinded by divxklip.de & ekto one photo crossed the streams from tvtropes.org **

Billionaire's Club...Apply Within!

I am in a horse poop mood so this blog may be worth horse poop but a blog is a blog of course of course and this one is typed 'til my fingers are coarse. That is unless that blog, of course, is the infamous MattInTheMiddle blog. (See what I mean?)

I did quite a bit today. I got my son going for school, I went grocery shopping, I did six loads of laundry, I cleaned up the yard, tore out a dead bush (TWSS), I mowed, I watered the lawn and flowers (creating more work for myself), I made dinner, I cleaned the kitchen twice, I worked out (adding 12 more miles to the excercise bike in addition to the weights and such), I did some electrical work which caused sparks and breakers to pop (I could have used you Judii), and now I'm typing a blog. My theory of doing other things to make-up for not working-out was once again proven wrong. If you miss work-outs you will have to go back three spaces. I still managed to do the entire work-out but it was tough. I didn't listen to music this time I went to my DVD library and watched Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. I love this movie; probably because I'm a beatnik. Sugar Momma and I saw it at the theater when it first came out. We went to the Warrenville (Illinois) Ten-Thousand-O-Plex and played what I like to call Show-Time Lottery; we walked up and went to the movie that had the next show-time. I had forgotten how many people who are stars now were in that film. I love Kevin Smith and think he must have been the guy who gave Adam Sandler the idea to keep using all of the same actors from film to film though I suppose Hollywood used to all be that way when actors were under contract at one studio. If you haven't seen it and want to borrow the DVD let me know - I don't deliver or pick-up though.

One of my favorite websites since I have known about the internet has been and is www.imdb.com (internet movie data base). Other than Matt In The Middle this is the best thing on the Wicked Witch of the West (WWW).

Next Monday I give plasma. Coincidentally, Heartland Blood Centers called today and told me that I am able to give blood again. Thanks Twilight Countess Dracula but I have sold my soul to the plasma werewolf now. I feel like I'm cheating on Heartland but if Bill Clinton taught us nothing he taught us that giving or getting plasma isn't cheating. "I did not have plasma relations with that clinic!"

Have you heard about this Billionaire's Boy's Club (they're not all men and I am anything but a sexist but this just flows better phonetically) that is pledging to donate half of their nets-worth to charity when they die? Warren Buffett and Bill Gates got this idea together and have about 40 billionaires on-board. Most of the people who have made this promise are from California, go figure. There are a few from the MIDDLEwest though: Warren Buffett, who pledged to give 99% of his wealth to charity (Nebraska), Walter Scott Jr. (Nebraska), Thomas S. Monaghan (Michigan) and Jim & Virginia Stowers (Missouri). The biggest names we recognize are: Gates, Buffett, Hilton, Rockefeller, Bloomberg, Ted Turner and George Lucas. Where are all of the entertainers and recording artists? Tiger Woods, you are excused because you probably don't have a billion anymore. Pony-up Oprah! This is one club I would be happy to join but I am afraid that I don't meet the minimum requirement of HAVING AT LEAST ONE BILLION DOLLARS! I think it's a magnanimous gesture, since I am not one of their heirs, but I wonder why can't they donate some if it now and help take care of some of our nation's problems? I imagine they want to make a difference the way they want to make it while they are here. Incidentally, the United States has about 400 billionaires. For the record...if I were a billionaire I would make this pledge and my heirs would have to manage to get by on a minimum of half-a-billion. If I had a billion dollars...I'd be rich!

Alright, Tuesday Bluesday. Try to have a nice one and remember Humpty Dance Day is only a day and a Hennessey away. Blog you later tire-rotater. TTFN.

** freddy and shaggy photo zoinked away from portaldenoticias.com, billion dollars photo counterfeited from scrapetv.com & doctor evil photo shagged from wingbets.com **

Tell Me Why, I Don't Like Mondays!

I think I am going to start a new diet program called the LMAO Diet (patent/trademark/copyright). Wouldn't it be great if you could really just laugh your A off? I have to figure out how to make that happen. I would Laugh Matt's A Off (LMAO) but I am told that I have one of those flat-guy A's so there's nothing to laugh off. Plus my name would be Mtt if I laughed my A off (like my head - empty). If I can figure out the secret formula of the LMAO secret sauce laughter will not only be the best medicine it will also be the best diet program.

So, Sunday I continued the Matt In The Middle Memorial Howard Hughes Tour by going to see the B-17 at Corn Fest - alone. When I got there it was taxiing to the runway so I got to see it take off and after a half-hour land and taxi right back to where I was standing. I spoke to the pilot and he said it costs $2000 per hour to operate this aircraft. "She's an old gal that requires a lot of attention" (and her liquor apparently). Maybe if they got it tuned up it wouldn't smoke and drip oil all over the runway and you'd get better mileage. I got to see inside of the plane and I felt my mission was accomplished (cue Kenny Loggins music). Pilot to bombardier, pilot to bombardier, you may return to your home base... repeat, return to your home.

I arrived at Corn Fest at 10:00 Sunday morning when they opened and there was hardly anyone there. I suppose people were at church or still asleep. It was nice because since the Corn Fest is held at Dekalb Municipal Airport you get to drive right out onto the airport and park in the field. They closed off one of the runways and you drive down the runway. They should make our roads as smooth as runways (do you hear that RuPaul? - smooth runways!). Anywho, the speed limit said 20mph but I figured there was no one around and the runway was smooth and I am sure there are no cops shooting radar so I got 'er up to 80mph since I wasn't drivin' Miss Daisy. I felt like Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys (yes, Will Smith AND Martin Lawrence both rolled up into one nice, sexy, old, white package).

When we were driving back from Southern MIDDLE-Illinois University earlier this week we passed through Arcola, Illinois. Sugar Momma told me that Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy were "invented" there. Non-MIDDLE-agers probably don't even know who they are. I figured Chachi must be from there but I don't think they've ever seen Happy Days either. Fortunately, most of you are MIDDLES of one type or another. The next town north of Chachi Arcola was Tuscola; wow, we sure do like our colas in Illinois. That's why we're the Land of 10,000 Colas.

Earlier this week I mentioned that a bull jumped into the stands and injured 40 people in Spain. Not five days later another catastrophe occurred in Spain. Colombian Pop-Star and Matt In The Middle Top Tenner Shakira is being fined for dancing in a fountain in her bikini and for riding a motorcycle without a helmet. From what I saw of the footage of her in the fountain they have odd bikinis in Spain. She had long pants and a jacket on with a bikini top showing through the unbuttoned jacket. I would gladly pay Shakira's fines if she would come dance in her bikini in a fountain in my town. Hey Spain...start worrying about a pop-star dancing in a fountain after you stop people from getting gored in your city streets; if I come over there you're gonna be sorry. You win one little World Cup Soccer championship and you think you're all that and a bag of tostadas. I saw a video of her dancing on YouTube about an hour ago but now all of the videos say there is a "copyright issue" and give a website to go to to view it but it was very, very tame. Do the Spanish and Colombians not get along?

Leave early Monday morning to get to work on time while dodging the daily blinking red lights attached to the big yellow torture-chambers. Be careful of the silicon chips. Blog you later Boom Town Ratter. TA!

** raggedy ann and andy photo unstuffed from thebeat.iloveny.com & no image available image (ironic?) availed from snf.stanford.edu **

I Got Bombed at Corn Fest!

I went to Corn Fest in Dekalb Saturday morning. Nobody from the Helser household wanted to go so Beatnik Vagabond Hobo-Dude Matt went alone. I got there early enough so there was plenty of DelMonte corn fresh from the DeKalb fields. I ended up having four ears total; I had mine without butter, of course. When it's fresh you don't need butter as far as I'm concerned. While I was eating my corn I was walking around the B-17 Flying Fortress. Wow, that is an impressive plane. This particular plane was assembled in 1944 and served in the Pacific after WW II. It has appeared in several movies and television shows including 1941, All The Fine Young Men, Wings and various History Channel shows. This plane is called "Sentimental Journey" and has a painting of Betty Grable on the nose. The plane made me think of the film Memphis Belle. The gun turret on the bottom was very small and I realized that Sean Astin must have been a little dude in 1990 to fit down there before he hit the steroids (allegedly). Days like that make me think maybe I am 80% testosterone. I think I will sneak back over to DeKalb Municipal Airport Sunday and see it again before it flies out on Monday morning. There are free tours inside and out of the B-17 but it's $425 if you want to go for a flight...I will just be touching and feeling I think.

People-watching was fun, as always. There were several people taking ear after ear of corn and putting them into those large freezer Ziplock (ca-ching) bags. It was first come first serve while supplies lasted but I think they are talking about eating them there at Corn Fest. I guess I shouldn't talk; I had four ears though I ate them there. There was a booth right next to the free corn by Prairie View Dental. They were giving out lip balm and dental floss. Dental floss after corn - what a great idea for a free promotional give-away. I started thinking maybe you could just save the tassels from the corn and use them as floss to get the kernels out from between your teeth? I wonder if the floss would be good for the chocolate covered frozen bananas or strawberries or the chocolate covered cheesecake on sticks. And to think that I was making fun of the Wisconsin State Fair and their foods on sticks a while ago.

With the spending all this time alone and hanging around large aircraft I may be turning from beatnik into Howard Hughes sans the billions and billions of dollars. As soon as my lottery numbers hit I will be closer to buying a hotel room in Las Vegas and wearing Kleenex (ca-ching) boxes for shoes.

Have you seen that show RuPaul's Drag U on the LOGO network? When the male RuPaul portrays the female RuPaul all he does is shave his mustache and put on a wig and make-up. The way he talks is exactly the same. Every time he talks as a man I picture him as the female RuPaul. The assistants or make-up people he has on the show are all beautiful women until they talk and then they sound like dudes (because they are dudes). Why can't they put a little effort into sounding like hot chicks? Make us metrosexuals try to figure out if you're really a man or a woman; don't make it so obvious. This may be where I come back down to only 52% testosterone again.

With taking my daughter to school earlier this week and all I haven't hit the weights since Tuesday. Sunday morning I will have to hit them hard again. It's always a little tougher after you've missed a workout or two. That's why it's easier to just keep up with it. Our hotel down south didn't have weights (just treadmills and excercise bikes) but my son and I swam a lot and I carried a lot of stuff and walked for miles and miles so maybe it won't be so tough...we'll see. It doesn't matter either way - it has to be done. I always feel better after I work out. I don't know if it's the endorphins or just the sense of accomplishment but it is a natural (maybe unnatural) high.

Alright, I got long-winded or happy-fingered again (TWSS? - not sure). Enjoy your last day before the world is without children during the day again. If you're heading out to Corn Fest Sunday morning let me know and I'll meet you out there because I am definitely going at 10:00 when they open. I'll buy you a chocolate-covered frozen banana or something. I will check my Facebook and emails just before I go so we can hook-up. If I don't see you have a fantastic Sunday doing whatever you enjoy. Oh yeah...there is also a Farmer's Market with a salsa contest in Sycamore on Sunday so I may drag Sugar Momma over to that too - if it's not too hot outside (remember I am the hottest she can handle). Blog you later Corn Fest hater.

** rupaul photo dragged from bayflatslodge.com & chitty chitty bang bang photo tricked and stolen from hollywood.com **