I Bunch of Non-Cents!

What do you suppose the National Gastroenterologist Association was thinking when they asked me to do a PSA (public service announcement) on this week's Dirty Laundry Podcast? I try to be good but sometimes my goodness ends in cease and desist letters and threats of legal action. I just like to put my own personal spin on flatulence awareness and this is the thanks I get. If you haven't listened to this week's show you had better click that link or download it onto your mobile devise free from iTunes (Dirty Laundry Podcast) quickly before we are forced to take it down. Right now I am playing the "it's a three day weekend" card and cannot be reached but I worry that ropes will drop from a cloud and the Podcast Police will appear from the sky and leave Cha Cha to blog-on without me. I will leave her with a story - it's the least that I could do.

Did you know that most grocery stores don't carry popsicle sticks? Maybe in the summer they would? I had to improvise but now that I think of it I should have just bought the cheapest popsicles and thrown them in a sink full of hot water and liquefied those rascals for their sticks. That probably would have even been cheaper than if I had found the popsicles. That's probably what ivory hunters say too. Plastic knives had to step in and "playing the role of popsicle sticks for chocolate covered bananas this week will be plastic knives."

I wish I did not un-do my day-off tonight. That sentence seems wrong but as many times as I read it I think it is correct. At this point I would just be taking it off to take it off and I have a three-day weekday end coming up M-T-W so it didn't make sense and anybody who knows me that I ALWAYS make cents. I wish I made dollars but cents are better than non-cents.I does seem like it would be a good night for a fire outside though - oh well.

At 2:01 AM MST (Middle Standard Time normally called CST) Arrested Development hits Netflix. I will still have about four hours of work left so we will not be the first to see it. I guess Cha Cha could watch them without me and I have Netflix on my phone so I could watch it on my phone if we're slow at work. While I blog this I have the Arrested Development marathon on IFC on the boob tube (I really should sue over the use of my nickname in that term). I would have been disappointed if they had not exploited the new shows. It's because of idiots like me that they do this every time something like this happens. I am surprised that we haven't seen the original The Great Gatsby on television. I bet it's been there and I just haven't seen it. I forgot that Splenda took the Wii back with her to school when she was just home last week. Now we will be huddled around one of our laptops. I suppose we could use the X-Box 360 but Fabio would have a problem with that and it is his. Maybe we'll just have to hook-up one of the laptops to the television. This sure is turning into a commercial for Netflix and Arrested Development isn't it? Maybe there is a way I can monetize this blog one day huh? Why would they pay me if I do it for free? What a maroon! More non-cents.

I have to end now. Cha Cha will be home from her two hour hair thingy. I am in and out in about fifteen minutes and it takes her two hours. I could last longer if I wanted to but I am more about the old in-out-in-out when it comes to hair-shaping. Have a nice night and tomorrow. I doubt that I will blog tomorrow but I may blog live during the AD marathon; you never know what I may do. Neither do I. Thanks a lot for stopping-in. Make sure to check out the podcast before it's yanked (no comment). TTTS (soon)...MITM (gone).

Yes, I am a Binger! And a Bit Bananas

My frustration that you read about in yesterday's blog passed and I managed to get Dirty Laundry Podcast uploaded. I guess I just had to have a blogger tantrum to realize how ridiculous I was being. I went back down to the studio after whining about the problem and just finished the laborious task of getting that monkey off of my back. I listened to the show last night and am happy with the show. It is always worth the hassles when I get the podcast done.

So, it is Memorial Day weekend in the U.S. and A. I love saying U.S. and A. and always hear the voice of Borat Sagdiyev when I say it in my head. I wish we'd go back to calling Memorial Day Decoration Day as it was called when they invented it after The Civil War. We cannot thank the people in the armed services enough for what they do for us as we cannot take for granted the people who have done it through our history. I hadn't thought about it until now but Splenda is spending Memorial Day weekend on a Marine base; she drove to North Carolina yesterday to see her fiance. I was worried the entire time she drove down there. The movie Deliverance kept going through my mind. Do you think that fatherly worry thing ever stops or is it just some of us worry-wart fathers that worry so much? I have always been a worrier. I think it's because I think too much. This is probably why people develop drinking problems and such. I am not smart enough to develop a substance dependency I guess.

Is it true that people don't need automobile insurance in Wisconsin? That's what some girl just told my girlfriend Judge Judy. All the cheese one could ever want and no insurance and it's above me (on the map) - Wisconsin may be Heaven.

The BS of A (Boy Scouts of America) surprised me yesterday when 61% of the voting members voted to lift the ban against gay members. This does not allow for homosexual leaders yet but it is a step in the right direction. I just read a story about a lesbian who was ousted as her son's den mother or whatever they are called these day. That will be the next step and, hopefully, the voters will be as open-minded as they were with this vote when they make that vote sometime later. The talk about this being good and bad will continue but, for now, the issue is resolved. Welcome to current times BSA!

Arrested Development will be launched to Netflix in two days. I am guessing that Cha Cha and I will be spending about seven-and-a-half hours or so watching all of the episodes this holiday weekend. This sort of viewing is known as binge-watching and I am guilty of being a binger in many ways. Mitch Hurwitz, creator of Arrested Development, says that comedy takes a lot out of us and it's okay not to watch it all in the same sitting but what does he know? I will attest that comedy takes a lot out of you because I am hilariously funny, probably the funniest person I have ever known and will definitely be the first inductee in the MHCHOF (Matt Helser Comedy Hall of Fame) and I am always tired but I don't need any spoilers so I will watch it all at once. If you're a fan and don't have Netflix come on over. Call for showings as I also promised Cha Cha that we would see the new Star Trek film this weekend (without that greedy cuss William Shatner - listen to Dirty Laundry Podcast to hear about the new feud between he and I). A busy media weekend - being world-famous podcasters comes with responsibilities. Don't tell Cha Cha but I think I am going to make chocolate and nut covered frozen bananas (Bluth's Frozen Bananas) for our Arrested Development marathon. Incidentally, Jason Bateman recommends watching four episodes a day and Will Arnett says, "you gotta hammer your way through. Hit play and don't stop until you run out of battery on your viewing devise." I think I may go to Banana Republic to get something new for the premiere. Luckily, I have Netflix on my phone in case I run out of viewing time - watch and go.

This is getting too long - not a banana joke. Have a great extended weekend. I will blog this weekend one or two days.Seriously, let me know if you want to watch Arrested with a couple of comedy legends while eating The Agitator's (aka Matt In The Middle) banana. Thanks a lot for stopping by and please LISTEN TO THE PODCAST! TTTT or Sunday or MD (Memorial Day). TA!

Jack Frost Nipping at My Blog

An old acquaintance that I have never been very fond of is scheduled to be in town again tonight. I have known him most of my life and never really started to dislike him until the past ten years or so. He wears on my nerves. His name is Jack Frost. He is supposed to arrive this evening and I think it will be a short stay but I think once he is gone he probably won't be back until October or November. In honor of his arrival tonight I have turned the heat back on in the house. He is so damn particular about temperatures so I hope he doesn't outstay his welcome like he usually does.

Tonight is my Monday morning - woo hoo. It's only a four day week for me this week as we were given the option of taking Memorial Day off without using a vacation day. I would usually work that day and get paid for working and get paid holiday pay too (double pay) but since my weekend is Tuesday/Wednesday I took the boss up on the offer and will have a three-day weekend while getting paid single time for Monday while I am not there. I hope it stays a little chilly because it would be nice to have a fire in the backyard Monday night. I don't think we had a fire all last year.

I am really getting frustrated with Dirty Laundry Podcast. Almost every week we get done with the show and I get it edited but when I go to upload the show something happens or the things that are supposed to happen don't happen. I really love recording the show and I love the final product but getting the part in the MIDDLE of that gives me trouble more times than not. I am sure most of it is because of something that I do or don't do but how come sometimes it works fine and then the next week I do it the same way and it doesn't work fine. I am almost to the point sometimes to quite doing the show all together. It would seem a shame after doing 113 shows (counting the one I have not yet gotten launched) to stop but is it worth the frustration for a hobby? I am pretty sure I could spend my time better doing something else. I know one thing - the new show will not be up today. I will calm down and eventually push through all of the headaches but I am not in the mood now. I really don't like the person who decided that, "nothing worth doing is easy." I am not even really sure if that is a saying.

Today the Boy Scouts of America vote on whether to allow gay members. What a bunch of jerks to even have this be an issue. I don't remember sex being part of the Boy Scouts for the brief time I was there. We were more excited to pass our test to be able to carry a pocket knife. I made it through Webelos and was in Boy Scouts for awhile but found it kind of stupid. I am trying so hard not to make any Webelos jokes. I think it meant something like "we be loyal scouts." I would not want to be part of an organization that is so intolerant. I bet the Hitler Youth had gay members. I also bet there were gay member in Boy Scouts when I was there and have always been. I think if I were that age again and I were gay I would join and not say anything about it and get to be an Eagle Scout and then let everyone know I was gay. I guess they are a private organization and can do what they want but prejudice of any kind seems to be against what the Scouts should stand for. Like always the women lead the way; The Girl Scouts of America allow gay members.

I have quit because I cannot think about anything but the podcast. I may go back down and see if it can be easily remedied but I don't believe it can be. If and when I get it up it will be quite an accomplishment. I will let you know if that happens. Have a great chilly day if you're in the MIDDLEwest. Pretty soon it will be 100 degrees with high humidity and then  will be complaining about that. TTTT...MITM (out) TA!

Soul Searching Epiphany Blog?

Bubba Chubbs

It's funny how the same temperature feels differently at different times. Cha Cha cannot stand being hot so, when the weather turned just a little bit warmer she turned on the central air in the house. In the winter, when it is very cold outside, we have the thermostat set at 72 degrees Fahrenheit and it seems warm. Now that it is warmer out the thermostat is still set at 72 degrees and it is freezing in here. I actually have a blanket over my lap while I write this blog. I look like a little old grandmother with my cheater-glasses on and a blanket over my lap. I should be out writing this on the patio I suppose. If I turn the air off it will be warm in here when Cha Cha gets home and it's always polite to keep the ladies happy. So, I will just be a bubbameister. I am not sure if that is the real word and even if it is I am not sure if it is the proper use of it but I like it either way. Maybe I will change my name to Bubba Meister but I would go by Bubba Chubbs (inside joke for MADYM).

I think I am going to talk about this next thing on Dirty Laundry Podcast when we record it tonight but it is too good not to share here too. There is a new report in the New York Post that says that rich people from New York have been hiring handicapped (I am not sure if that is a politically correct term but I mean nothing derogatory by it so I think it's okay) tour guides to take their children to Disney World so the kids can get to the fronts of the lines. The story claims that they are hiring people with legitimate physical limitations from a company called Dream Tours to chaperon their children through the park because everybody knows rich people shouldn't have to wait in line like the rest of us. This must be even faster than the Speed Pass or whatever it's called these days. They actually get a whole different entrance to the rides and get on immediately. They are paying $130 per hour ($1,040 for an eight hour day) for his "service." I am very sympathetic toward people who have physical and/or mental limitations but I have never really thought about it before now but why should they get to go to the front of the line anyway? I know that may seem harsh but I would think that people with handicaps would want to be treated the same as everyone else. I am trying to think how I would feel and maybe I would feel a little cheated and want to get special treatment when I can get it. Celebrities get special treatment this way too I think. I will have to bounce it off of Cha Cha tonight on the podcast so I can decide how I feel. I like to get other people's thoughts before I make up my mind sometimes. As brilliant as I think I am sometimes I don't always think of every aspect most times. There may be a soul-searching epiphany that I will reach tonight.

Speaking of rich people thinking they should be able to do whatever they want to do - Justin Bieber had his monkey seized by German officials (this is not a sex joke - this really his pet Capuchin monkey Mally). He was trying to take it into Germany without the proper vaccination papers. He had until Friday to produce the proper documentation and could not so now the monkey is headed to a zoo somewhere in Germany. Officials said he (the monkey) has gained weight since no longer living the Bieber life-style since March 28th. Bieber sure does have a lot of trouble in that part of the world. The whole Ann Frank thing awhile back and now this. Maybe he should stay in his neighborhood and just continue to anger his neighbors by speeding around in his car.

I have to get starting on pre-show prep. There are no scripts but there is a lot of work that needs to be done to sound as clueless as I am. It's like any hobby I suppose. It's a lot of fun but it's quite a bit work too. Think about any hobby you have or have ever had; it;s quite a bit of work isn't it? Maybe work is the wrong word. Labor of love (blaaahhhhh). Thanks a lot for being here and I will let you know when the newest load of our hobby is available for listening. I wish I hadn't been watching Little House on the Prairie the whole time I was writing this because it's the part of the show where I always get choked-up and teary-eyed. Makes it hard to type. Have a great night. I will probably blog tomorrow while Dirty Laundry Podcast is uploading. TTTT...MITM (thankful it is his Saturday and typing in the third person) TA!

I Have Found a Positive Thing About Smoking!

I apologize for being sweaty and maybe smelly but I just got done mowing the lawn. That is one of the nice things about having a non-traditional work week; I can mow the lawn in the MIDDLE of my night without angering the neighbors. It is supposed to rain for the next couple of days in the MIDDLEwest so I thought it might be a good idea to get the mowing done. Get busy mowing or get busy dying. It is pretty warm out there today but it is really windy so it doesn't seem that warm. I really like mowing the lawn. I wonder if people think I am stupid for having a teenage son and I mow the lawn but I like doing it. I am a thinker and mowing is good thinking time. You might not know that to talk to me but I think a lot. I think too much which is most of my problem. I like listening to my music and Dirty Laundry Podcast too and this is always a good time to do that.

If you listen to Dirty Laundry Podcast you heard on the recent load that we have baby bunnies in the yard. They are out and about now and I am sure those big ears don't like the lawnmower. I only saw one of the rabbits so I am making an assumption that they are all out and about. When the one who I saw - I will assume he is Peter because Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton Tail are back home where they are supposed to be while Peter Rabbit is out running away from lawnmowers. When he was trying to hide he went to the neighbors fence and stayed motionless. Obviously, I saw him so he wasn't as slick as he thinks. I steered clear of him because I did not want to make him go under the fence because the other side of that fence would make Mr. McGregor's garden look like Club Med. Over there are three Great Danes and three Irish Setters. I am guessing six huge dogs would make mincemeat out of that rabbit.

This time of year always makes me think of Bambi. We have robins in the yard feeding their babies. The babies just peep and peep and the poor parents are flying around the yard bringing them back food. We have the rabbits, of course. I saw geese with goslings last night. I saw a duck nesting in an ashtray the other night. Yes, in an ashtray. Of course, I had to take a photo of Ash Tray Duck. I am gonna check on them from time to time and I already have names picked out for the ducklings: Salem, Carlton, Kool, Winston, Viceroy and Kent. I am not sure how many eggs are under there so this will be a start. I knew that there had to be at least one redeeming thing about smoking and I think this is it. The sand (or whatever it is) that they put in these ashtrays is good for hatching ducklings. I don't know how they will get out of there once they hatch but they will figure that out I guess.

I watched a couple of movies last night that I will talk about on the podcast this week. I finally watched Django: Unchained and Jack Reacher. I got paid while watching them so when I talk about them on the show I will officially be a professional movie reviewer. I also have Hitchcock with Anthony Hopkins but I have not watched that one yet. I will try to watch it by tomorrow night and Cha Cha may watch that one too. Speaking of films I think Cha Cha and I are going to see the new Star Trek film Saturday. Don't tell her but I put in for a night off Saturday because for some unknown reason she wants to go see William Shatner. She really, really, really wants to meet him. There is a known reason - I think she is a Trekkie or a Trekker or whichever category she falls into. I have never been a fan but I am a Cha Cha fan so I will be a good co-host and go along for Vulcan support. NA NU NA NU. I think I will take the digital recorder to see of I can get The Shat to say "I'm William Shatner and you're listening to Dirty Laundry Podcast." He probably won't but it's always worth a try I guess. I wonder if it will be like a scene from Galaxy Quest.

I have to start getting dinner ready. I am making crab-stuffed salmon and then I have to get on to my Friday work day; thank goodness tomorrow begins my weekday end. I live for my weekday ends. They are hiring five more people and have them trained by the end of summer which means I will move up quite a bit in seniority and may get a better weekend when we bid for days-off in June/July. Even one typical weekend day off would be great. Let me know if you're looking for a job and I will let you know where/how to apply. The deadline for applying is May 22nd which is Wednesday I guess so let me know right away. Thanks a lot for being here and for listening to the podcast - I cannot express how happy it make me that you do. Let me know if you want to meet Shatner with us and I can get you the details on that too. Have a great night and I will probably be back here tomorrow. TTTT...MITM (beaming out - she will never make me a Trekkie/Trecker as hard as she tries. Her Jedi mind tricks won't work on me but that is a better line of films. TA!

MITM Season Finale

This is the season finale of the blog. The next season will start either tomorrow or Monday. Apparently that

is the way to attract people to your show or, in this case, blog. I am watching the Chicago Blackhawks game and there was a commercial for tonight's Saturday Night Live and they said it is the season finale. Does that really make a difference in a show like SNL? Is there going to be a cliff hanger? I imagine in the case of SNL it means this will be the last time you can see this cast. This is generally when they partially change the cast (members). I guess Seth Meyers is probably not going to be back next season since he is replacing Jimmy Fallon who is replacing that turd Jay Leno. I may actually watch The Tonight Show again next season. I had never watched one episode of The Tonight Show while Chin was there; I dislike him that much. There were guests on there that I really liked too but I dislike Leno that much more. On Dirty Laundry Podcast we don't have season finales we just measure it in years - we are in season year three right now. We also do not take the summer off. You would think with DVR's some television shows would go all year long to maybe gain viewers from the shows that are on hiatus. 

Dirty Laundry Podcast is up to number 33 in the comedy category. Please download it either from that link or on iTunes and help us get to #1 in comedy. We made it in the philosophy category before we changed to the larger, more cut-throat category of comedy, and we want to get to number one in comedy. We could have rested on our laurels and stayed in philosophy but that would not have been philosophical would it? 

Gas is $3.999 in my town right now. Yes, this is MY town - Mattsburgh, Mattsylvania. Why do they have to include the other 9/10ths in gas prices? Why can't they just say that fuel in $4.00 per gallon? Is it a psychological thing against the consumers? There must be a reason. I wish there were a way that I could just look things up instantly by typing some words and see what comes out. Maybe some day.

Even an arm and a leg add 9/10ths !!!!!!!

Tonight is the drawing for the $600,000,000 Powerball. It doesn't seem as exciting as it used to be. It seems to get that big every couple of weeks or so now. We are going to become desensitizes to anything less than $1,000,000,000 soon. That being said, I bought some tickets for a chance to win a mere $600 million. I won't win but even a piece of it would be nice so I can afford the extra 9/10ths I have to pay for gas.

What would I do with a winning ticket worth $600,000,000? The first thing I would do is to hire someone to let me know how to keep most of my $600 & 9/10 million. The podcast would get a lot better. Yes, I would keep doing the podcast because I love doing it but it would get A LOT better. Pretty sure we'd move to our new island in the south pacific with a great view from the studio. A new car would most likely be in order. I could use a new pair of sneakers (I usually call them tennis shoes but I have only played tennis in my current sneakers five or six times which I guess officially makes them tennis shoes). Pay off the house. And that's it for now. I don't really need that kind of money and it would probably make life harder rather than easier but I would like to help a lot of people and causes so that would be nice. I bet I would hear from quite a few people who I haven't heard from for a while. I like reunions sometimes so that would be cool too. Maybe I would buy a gas station and get rid of the whole 9/10th thing at my station. I'd call it Wally's Fillin' Station I think. I may even change my name to Wally which would be ironic since I look more like The Beaver. He got uglier when he got older just like I have. 

$600,000,000 might be a good start (Mattmobile)

I have to end now because I am getting stuffed-up (TWSS). I work tonight so I will try to get a few winks in before that too. I may listen to the Powerball numbers and take some of the night off if I win. I like my job but I think I would like not having to have even more. I am trying to be philosophical because if I did win the big money the news agencies would try to find as much about me as they could and then the blog would suddenly be popular too. The Beatles were wrong - you CAN buy love. Have a great rest of your weekend. Summer at my work is a lot easier but I would rather have it be tougher and busier because the time goes faster when we are busy. When we are busier I help more people too and I like helping people. I wonder what that is about? A weakness of mine I guess. Thanks a lot for stopping-by and for helping us reach number one in the comedy category; I will remember you when that $600 million starts rolling in - probably more like $300,000,000 after they screw me out of their share. TTTM most likely though tomorrow night I will probably be looking for things to do...MITM (out) TA!

Reoccurring Daymares? Awesome!

I am not sure what the exact definition of "nightmare" is and I sleep during the day rather than during the night which further vexes me but I believe I am having a recurring daymare. Last day (that would be last night to you most likely) I had the same daymare that I had the night day before. It wasn't the stereotypical daymare (not just because it wasn't at night) but I suppose we all have our own things that our mind tries to work out in it's spare time - "what color socks goes with this" and things of that nature. In my day mare I was editing Dirty Laundry Podcast and it was going horribly bad and it was never-ending.  The one I had yesterday was worse than the one I just had because when I woke up I had no idea where I was and no idea what time or even what day it was. It is very odd for me to remember my dreams so having a reoccurring one is doubly-odd. Waking up in my own bed and not having any idea where I was was the topper. The room seemed familiar but it seemed tilted, a different color and turned in a different direction or something. It was like waking up in an arch villain's lair on Batman. I don't do drugs and I had not been drinking it was just weird; I rather enjoyed it actually and hope it continues. Both times I was awoken by my cell phone ringing so maybe that is some kind of factor too. It means I am sleeping deeply I guess. Or, maybe I am going Matt mad. If I do go mad please don't worry; I love trying new things. Also, you have my permission to screw with me if I go loony. I thought I would tell you that while I am still of sound(ish) mind and put it in writing for you so you can show people that you are just respecting my wishes.

I bet you're happy that it's your Friday huh? I am happy that it's my Tuesday too. I cannot believe it's only noon. I would not have known but I turned to boob tube on (named for me I think - for many reasons) and the noon news is on. When did the news become about things that don't need to concern everyone. The lead story was about a house fire that killed a man and a woman. It is very tragic and sad but how does that concern the masses? Unless you know these people, though horrific if you do, it has nothing to do with you or I. Why is their jobs to make us sad? There is money in sadness I suppose; are they supported by the medical industry? I rarely watch the news for this precise reason. I would rather go to MSN or something on-line so I can choose which stories I want to "watch." It's like creating my own little happy and entertaining news show. I knew that degree and writing and editing news for years would have practical applications in time.

The Office series finale was last night.I have not watched it yet but DVR'd it. I heard that it is really good and I think I read a spoiler but that is what happens if you DVR things. I knew who won Survivor before I watched it but I still watched it. I was kind of bummed that The Office ran a bit long (on purpose) because Hannibal is only 45 minutes. I am watching Hannibal now and am pleasantly surprises that they did what I had hoped; they skipped several of the commercial breaks. Same amount of show with less hawking. It's like they did some of the speeding through the ads for me.

My feet hurt. I walked A LOT last night. I like walking but the sore feet I don't really care for. I probably did 8 - 10 miles. I used to use the pedometer on my iPod but by the time I got done the battery was dead and that was frustrating. I see where they have a little devise now that charges your USB devises and I know eventually I will get one of these. Maybe for Matti Gras?

I love the warmer weather but I hate being stuffed-up. I think I have seasonal allergies. I don't take anything for it I just become a mouth-breather. I like to give my nose hairs a break now and then. Also, there are probably a lot of nutrients in dirt. Minerals for sure.

This is starting to get long. I try to keep these short so you get a little of the old in-out-in-out because I know you have things to do. The podcast runs longer because you can take that with you if you wish. Thanks a lot for taking the time. I probably won't blog again until your Monday but I am never sure when the mood will strike. If I don't blog at you until Monday have a great weekend. Is it weird that I hope it rains? TTT?...MITM (out to possibly enjoy an afternoon mare later) TA!