Sunday Mulchy Sunday!

I didn't think I would be one of those parents that got sad when my kids went off to college. I know I will miss them but I thought I would just be excited for them, which I am. I think the closer it gets to my daughter leaving the more I will find that I was wrong. I will be excited for her but I will be very sad too. I should have gotten an idea when she went to Costa Rica over Spring Break. I am very happy that she is going to be moving on with her life but I will miss her every single day.

Good luck to my friend Brian with his carpel tunnel surgery today. I know you are a loyal Matt In The Middle reader Brian and I am sorry if my blog played a role in your affliction. I should start a blog-on-tape program. Too bad Charlton Heston is dead; he was always the go-to guy to read anything on tape. If you can't use the mouse give me a call and I will personally read it to you every day.

A lot of yard work yesterday. It was a great day to be outside and mow and mulch. Most days are great days to be outside actually. I didn't realize it until yesterday but I am living with a mulch snob. She doesn't like certain colors because they look like the stuff the park district uses when they mulch the old trees and such. Snob!

Yesterday while we were at Menard's I was confronted with a nature vs. nurture issue. I have always believed that we are a combination of all of our surroundings so I believe nature and nurture both have large (probably equal) roles in who we become. It's weird to think about this while shopping for shrubbery (said in my best Monty Python voice) but I saw a mother and daughter chewing gum the exact same way and that's what came to mind. Gotta keep my mind occupied while Mulch Snob examines every plant in their entire stock plus I have a responsibility to you to blog (and guard this cart of peat moss and mulch with my last bored, dying breath). I overheard at least two other sets of people discussing high school graduation (about two weeks away) and that's why they were at Menard's. We all want to pretend that our yards always look like we have our own private landscaping people. Our yard does, however, always look very nice because Sugar Momma has a tremendous green thumb.

Jill loves breakfast. It probably comes from being a farmer's daughter since breakfast seems to be the most important meal of the day for the farmers. That's right, I married the farmer's daughter. So, yesterday we went for breakfast. On Mother's Day we went to The Fourth Street Cafe in Dekalb...a greasy spoon to say the least that I would not recommend unless you are looking to recreate the truck stop scene from Dumb & Dumber (I'm sure you'll easily find someone to play the role of Sea Bass). Yesterday we tried a place called Flappy's Pancake House in Dekalb (flappyspancakehouse.com) across from Hopkins Park pool. Wow, this place was great. Good-sized portions, good prices, pleasant atmosphere...I highly recommend Flappy's if you're stuck in the Middle of our cornfield and are looking for energy to make it make to your own Middle. I had Flappy's Lo Cal Club. For $5.95 I got two poached eggs, an English muffin, fruit, cottage cheese and juice (I had grapefruit). I ordered the eggs "as hard as you can get them" and they came back runny but the waitress noticed they were wrong before I even looked at them and sent them back to harden them. Very friendly staff. Every time I have ever ordered poached eggs hard the chefs don't seem to like to cook them that way. ** Matt tipping rule - always tip better percentage-wise (I'm talking 25% - 30%) at breakfast because most of the old-timers (not Middles) leave less that a dollar for tips I have noticed and these people work hard** Yesterday a movie review (Robin Hood) and today a restaurant review. I am becoming a regular Matt About Town. Another sign that the place is good...a lot of Cadillacs in the parking lot...Cadillac people know their breakfast. We also saw Joanne Boardman there. I know she's Joanne Boardman because she had a handmade sign around her neck from church that had her name on it. Her husband must be Ricard or Robert because the license plate on their Caddy started with "RBOARD." I doubt they are in the Witness Protection Program.

I hear the birds waking up. I use to think birds chirping meant that it was going to be a nice day weather-wise. Last week when it was pouring outside they were singing too so I guess that isn't always the case. I don't know where I got that idea.

A Middle of the cornfield report...the corn has broken the surface and will definitely be knee high by the fourth of July. I am not, nor have I ever been, a farmer but it's already knee high to my dog so it will absolutely be knee high to someone or something.

It must be 5:00 because the three horse-sized (Great Danes) dogs next store are barking. Almost time to get the troops up and make lunches. If you haven't read my first movie review ever, and if you are interested, scroll down to older posts and look two post ago for my Robin Hood review (posted yesterday before my regular blog posting). Have a good day, the birds are predicting that you will.

**belushi photo food-fouyght from siouxcityjournal.com, shrubbery graphic ni'd from shirtoid.com, dumb & dumber photo mopeded across country from encyclopedia.com and brave sir robin photo flesh-wounded from lastheplace.com**

Party Like a Barney!

I just posted my first ever movie review before beginning to write this blog. If you're interested in reading it just scroll down and read "older posts". I think I just wanted to start writing movie reviews because I love movies and it gives me a reason to see movies on a regular basis. The summer movie season is just about to begin you know.

I know I am dating myself here (actually I would never date myself, I am very high maintenance) but why did good looking girls get called "total Betty's?" I know it was because Betty Rubble was so much hotter than Wilma Flintstone but I think they should have been called total "Thelma Lou's." Thelma Lou was ten times hotter (and less ummmm, let's say grumpy) than Helen Crump. What did Andy see in Helen? A school teacher's pension maybe? He had three or four serious relationships with way nicer and better looking women than Helen. Ellie was the best but then was Peggy who was a little grouchy but not as bad as Helen. I would have even taken that nut-job Charlene Darling or even one of those "fun girls" would have been better. Barney got the better of those two girls too. Wait...I'm changing my name to Barney (I am just now seeing this as I type Barney Fife's name) Barney Fife got the hot chicks in Mayberry and Barney Rubble got the hotter chick in Bedrock. I want to be a total Barney!I'm not even going to touch the purple dinosaur.

The committee to elect Hillary Clinton (or whatever it's actually called) is selling raffle tickets to win a day with Bill Clinton in New York. I cannot think of anything funner. Well, I probably could think of a lot of things funner but that sounds like a blast to me. I love Bill Clinton. Not in the way that some have loved him but I love him. Tickets are only $5 each but I think you had to be a supporter of Hillary during the election to buy them. I cannot find anywhere on the web to get one. The money for the tickets goes to repaying her campaign debt. Sugar Momma said she'd like that too but I have a blog to write here. Maybe Bill Clinton needs a blogger?

In case you're a big Dekalb Cardinals Pony League baseball fan - we beat the Burlington Angels 7-6 yesterday. 7-6 two games in a row... if we score 7 we are golden!

When I fill the gas tanks in our vehicles why do I still round the amount to a round number like "30.00" or "45.50"? With debit cards there are very few rounded numbers in there so why don't I just fill it to the brim and wherever it stops maybe use those numbers to get a lottery ticket or something. I am such a creature of habit. I would be so easy to stalk. Well, there's the creature of habit thing and I pretty much tell my whole life story on this internet contraption. Having a stalker would allow me to write some pretty interesting blogs. I will, however, accept no unsolicited stalking. You must go through the proper channels and buy a raffle ticket.I saw a commercial that said Victoria Secret has a bra that adds two bra sizes to the wearer. Two bra sizes? That's a lot right? For what? I'm guessing it doesn't increase milk production. I know why...two more bra sizes means more fabric/material to make the bra so they can raise prices without actually raising prices. It's always the boobs who fall for these tactics. Why do you need to appear to have bigger bazoombas? Do you have an interview at The Tilted Kilt? Get a tattoo!

The one day I had the most "page impressions" for this blog was on that really rainy day. This blog will be "off the hook" in the winter. Is "of the hook" still a phrase that you hepcat hipsters use?

I tried the floss dental picks in the shower thinking they'd be easier than regular floss. Regular dental floss is much more efficient than dental picks in all aspects of flossing in my flossing opinion.

When I picked up Sugar Momma from work Friday (after I saw Robin Hood) I went into her office and while speaking with (I will call her "Lisa" because her name is Lisa) Lisa remarked, "I am a middle too." It made me think that we're all Middles in something so it is a common tie. We're all in this together. I'm a Middle, he's a Middle, she's a Middle, we're a Middle, wouldn't you like to be a Middle too, be a Middle read MattintheMiddle, be a middle read MattintheMiddle... (I just posted the Dr. Pepper commercial from YouTube on my Facebook page...I'm technologically like NASA).

Okay now I have to update my weekly top ten but I have no idea what I will do it on. I will Middle through it. I can't wait to read it and find out what I did it on. As Kajunkles is my witness I will do a top ten list today! Remember to read the Robin Hood review in case it rains and, if it doesn't rain, enjoy the nice weather today without your winter coat.

Manana!

** barney rubble graphic yabbadabbastolen from i-love-cartoons.com, barney fife photo moonshined from freakingnews.com, dr. pepper photo new generationed from 3gpdp.com and gas pump girls photo barney'd from hulu.com**

Robin Hood Movie Review by Matt Helser mattinthemiddle.blogspot.com

Robin Hood (2010, PG-13, 131 minutes) starring Russell Crowe as Robin Longstride, Cate Blanchett as Marion Loxley, William Hurt as William Marshall, Max von Sydow as Sir Walter Loxley, Oscar Isaac as Prince/King John and Mark Addy as Friar Tuck.

The timing of this film coincides with much of the world suffering economic turmoil which has always been the central theme of the Robin Hood legend. Robbing from the rich and giving to the poor has always been the misnomer of Robin Hood. He wasn’t simply robbing from the rich, he was returning to the people what was rightfully theirs and this movie shows this in more basic terms. We all need our own Robin Hoods right now. I always pictured Robin outwitting the Sheriff of Nottingham to steal the tax money back for the common people. This film makes more sense as Robin, along with the familiar Little John, Allen A’Dayle, Will Scarlet and Friar Tuck, rob the King’s tax wagon to reclaim seeds for Nottingham’s harvest, without which the townspeople would surely starve. Most people root for the underdog when pitted against a greedy government and this movie is no different. This film gives the average person hope and reminds all of us that our voices count and we need to fight for what is ours. One of my favorite lines of the movie is by Prince John, “poverty has always been the song of rich men.”

The story is the telling of the tale of Robin Longstride and how he becomes the hero to the down-trodden, Robin of the Hood. It is somewhat a prequel to all of the other Robin Hood films before it. It is a film of love and cruelty and honor and bravery and good versus evil. The scenes of storming castles and field battles were beautifully filmed with breathtaking country-sides and seascapes as backdrops. The film is at times bloody and violent but these were bloody violent times. This version of Robin Hood is a film interwoven with actual historical events similar to Gladiator, Braveheart and The Patriot. It is continuous action with many of the expected aspects of the Robin Hood legend intertwined with fresh parts of the story to keep the tale new and believable.

Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett, both veterans of historically-based films, were brilliant as always. The story is left open so the adventures can continue but I don’t see Crowe or Blanchett being the sequel types. I hope I am wrong because I would like to see the story continue but I don’t believe I would be interested if their roles were picked-up by other actors. I would like to see more of the interaction between Robin and his sidekicks and especially Friar Tuck (played by Mark Addy who you may remember as Fred Flintstone in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas). I have always been a fan of Friar Tuck because he was his own man while caring deeply about and looking out for the people he shepherded. Addy is very believable and likable in this role. The Sheriff of Nottingham (Matthew Macfadyen) had a much smaller role than one might expect as well but he is set up to take a much larger part in subsequent chapters of this new adventure series.

I strongly recommend Robin Hood to anyone who loves the classic love story and seeing people (both good and evil) get what they rightfully deserve. Three and a half out of five stars (since stars are the universal way to measure a film’s worth).

The Mattical Mystery Tour is Waiting to Take You Away!

Yesterday I spent the day in The Fox Valley. I stopped by my old place of employment (they're actually in two places now so I stopped at both) and saw people I hadn't seen in a year. I was meeting another friend (and former co-worker) in Elgin for lunch so I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see but it was nice just the same. If I missed you I apologize but even unemployed I am a slave to time. It was great hearing how skinny I am by everyone. One of them even said I got taller. I didn't know I had hit a growth spurt. Maybe when you're round you look shorter?

I met my friend and former co-worker Mike at a restaurant in Elgin, IL called The Tilted Kilt. It's a two-story building that looks like a Dick's Sporting Goods from the outside. The attire of the waitresses makes the Hooter's girls look like their wearing nun's habits. Big fan of the push-up bras though I had a hard time looking the ladies in the eyes. That's why I don't go to strip clubs too often; I'm too polite to stare at what men go there to see. I generally just talk to the dancers about their kids and hobbies while they're shaking their money-makers. Don't get me wrong...I love to look at the ladies but though some guys are "butt-guys" and some guys are "boob-guys" ... I guess I'm a "personality-guy" or an "eyes-guy" or a "smile-guy"..I 'yam what I 'yam and that's all that I 'yam. I think I've only been to strip clubs three or four times in my life and I've even been to Vegas three times. The biggest thing (pun intended) the Hooter's T-shirts hide is all the tattoos on the torsos. 95% of the waitresses at The Tilted Kilt had torso tattoos. Tattoos on their stomachs, on their backs, on their sides, peaking out from their nether regions...not a big fan. Maybe they're fake tattoos to get the "boob-guys" to be more of "tattoo-guys." Maybe they should have tattoo bingo on Monday nights (patent/trademark). Tip these girls better so they can get some color added to those tattoos. Maybe I am more of an art critic and I am not that into pencil drawings...I am a man of color. I had The Braveheart Chopped Salad but I had it without the bacon and had balsamic vinegar dressing. While it was good it would have been better with the bacon and blue cheese dressing but "Cosmo ain't down with that" too much anymore. I really wanted to have The Longshanks' Sausage Sandwich just for the name but I'm not into the sausage even though I give ladies (even strippers who want me to look) R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Do women blame us for their monthly visitors fellas? Why isn't in called "womenstruation"? It's "MENstruation"! (yelled like when Charlton Heston found out that soylent green "IS PEOPLE!)" **spoiler alert** (I guess I was supposed to say "spoiler alert" before the actual spoiler wasn't I...my bad)

Yesterday I also stopped by and saw an old college buddy I hadn't seen in a while. It was like The Mattical Mystery Tour. With all this and not having to pick Sugar Momma up from work until 5:00 I still had a couple of extra hours on my hands so I cheated on her again but this time I haven't told her until now. I am getting to be quite the movie whore (I am glad they don't have matinees in DeKalb, though every movie I see is a MATTinee, because I'd never get all of my housework done). I went to The Charlestown Mall theater in St. Charles and saw Robin Hood. It's only $4.50 there and I was already full of chopped salad so no snack bar...YESSSSSS! I decided that I am going to start writing movie reviews so they can put "Matt Helser of Mattinthemiddle blog says..." Sugar Momma said she saw a review of a book by a blog page on the back of the book jacket. So, tune in tomorrow for my very first "official" movie review at this same Mattchannel (blog), same Matttime (whenever you get to it).

Speaking of writing books and reviews...if I would have written one page of my screenplay for every blog that I've done my screenplay would be half-done by now. That's me trying to kick myself in my un-tattooed behind.

I picked up Sugar Momma from work at 5:00 and we had dinner at Stockholm's in Geneva. It was okay but a little disappointing. The brushetta and the chicken tortilla soup were very good. Sugar Momma didn't like her spinach pasta dish. The food was okay maybe it was eating dinner in a crowded bar at 6:00 on a Friday night that made it disappointing. I found it weird that I had lunch in Scotland (Tilted Kilt), watched a movie about Great Britain and France (Robin Hood) and ate dinner at Stockholm's. I should have just gone to Epcot.

I have plenty more to write but we have a game in Burlington at 11:00 and I start throwing BP (batting practice, not oil spills) at 9:30 and I haven't even done the line-up yet. All of you potential burglars...we are not ALL going to be gone today and our scary Yorkie-Poo will also be here so don't even try to break in, HA! Also, we live in a cul-de-sac...have you seen Desperate Housewives? We make Wisteria Lane look like Kindercare so step off!

Make sure you read Sunday's movie review of Robin Hood tomorrow over coffee (also a new top ten list)...hmmmm what to top ten about? See you then...go Dekalb Cardinals!

**titled kilt photo william wallace'd from phoenix.metromix.com, europe photo steam-shipped across the atlantic from letsgo.com & the critic photo given thumbs up from web-nine.com**

Happy International Tell All Your Friends About My Blog Day!

Happy "international tell all of your friends about my blog day." I think some of you must have thought that was yesterday because I got three times more "page impressions" than my average yesterday.Thank you, thank you. I know most of you got the days mixed up but, unfortunately, by official "Day-Of" law it doesn't let you off the hook for today. Yesterday was actually "Official Top Gun Day." Sorry I didn't get you anything. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? (answer later - man, am I getting good at these cliff-hanger dealies).

Last night I was working out and added new sets to my workout without even planning on it. Since every part of my life has to have a soundtrack, in case it's ever made into a feature film, Roz (my I-Pod), was playing my workout playlist but I was living on the edge and put it on "shuffle." I know what you're thinking, "Matt, you are a crazy man!" I dare you to work out and try not to dance and shadow box between sets when Mmmbop (Hanson) and Pon De Replay (Rihanna) come on. No, I don't dare you, I implore you! Then, if you would have walked in and heard the next songs (Gin & Juice by the Gourds and 'Cause I Got High by Afroman) you would have thought I was up to something other than working out in the basement. I told you I have a wide taste in music.

Yesterday I was checking the info page/guide on DirectTV (sponsorship patch) and I saw that the Today show was on from 7-11 AM and one of the guests was Shia Lebeouf. If you want to take a chance of catching Shia on Today you have to watch all four hours of the program or DVR it or just play channel-changing roulette and see if it's your lucky day? Free advise for the Today show - break your one four-hour segment down into eight half-hour segments and you'll get more viewers. No one is gonna watch four straight hours to see Shia Lebeouf. He's a good actor and all but I don't know if we have time to even watch four straight hours if you had the guaranteed winning Powerball numbers. It will become more obvious that you're lazy programmers though so it may backfire on you. I majored in Radio-Television in college in the Middle of the country and I have watched television since before the first moon landing so I am pretty much an expert in this matter so take warning Today!

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday; I should get frequent shopper miles. When I was paying for my groceries the lady asked me, "would you like to round the total up and give the rest to (fill in the blank charity)?" You lost me at "would you like to?"Everywhere I go people want my (Sugar Momma's)money for this and that charity. As you know, I am a very charitable person with Sugar Momma's money but I want to choose where my (her) charity money goes and I am a tremendous skeptic and know that whoever takes my (her) money pockets a percentage of it. I am big-hearted but I don't have the word "sucker" written on my face. It's tattooed on my arm so I can hide it with my shirt sleeves. I used to feel guilty saying "no" but I don't anymore. "Just say no" to letting people steal your money. I will start being more charitable when my bank account is finally funded by that forth-coming deposit from that Nairobi Prince that's wire-transferring $400,000 to my bank account. Any day now!

Also, while I was at Wal-mart, four separate twenty-something girls smiled and said "hi" to me. I think I might be a hottie (my daughter would say I'm a creeper right here and I'm pretty sure that's a compliment because she says it a lot to me and I know she likes me). Me being a hottie is the only explanation that my fragile male ego will allow me to accept. These were cute women too not the women you see on the "People of Wal-mart" websites. Wait a minute, maybe they were talking to me to get me to smile so someone could take my picture for that website. Nope...I'm definitely a hottie. You better reckanize Sugar Momma (that's hipster talk for "recognize" meaning show some respect). Why do guys always think that every woman that says "hi" and smiles has a secret agenda? I guarantee most of YOU guys are wrong (unlike me who is correct).

I know I went off on Arizona yesterday but I am right so I don't feel bad if I hurt Arizona's feelings; tough love. I was further wondering yesterday how come we don't hear anything from Arizona Senator John McCain on this matter? Why is Sarah Palin traveling the country weighing-in on this? She's from Alaska. Do all the states that begin with the letter "A" have a club? Other than Idaho at least the rest of us "I" states (Illinois, Iowa, Indiana) stay together (literally) in the Middle of the country. You "A"s (just a coincidence it sounds like "ass" when you say it fast) are spread throughout the country. Not only are you A's spread throughout this country but the entire World for that matter. Get your A's together and see if you can collectively solve this issue before I's have to come over there and solve it for you.

Speaking of Iowa, "The Field of Dreams" farm is for sale in Iowa. The farmhouse, something like 190 acres, the baseball field and a concession stand all for around $5 million. Personally, I think The National Baseball Hall of Fame should buy it and move the museum to a place where more people would visit...the MIDDLE of the country. I realize Cooperstown, New York is the disputed place where baseball was invented by Abner Doubleday but it's the "national past-time" so make it so that the whole nation can see it. Hey, Baseball Hall of Fame...buy it and more will come. If people want to start pooling their money I will chip in $400,000 when I get my wire transfer.

Thanks to all of the rain yesterday there are several new lakes in town. Watch out Minnesota, Illinois is now the land of 9,999,997 lakes, we're right behind you. Well, actually we're below you with most of the other "I" states. Get over hear Idaho, you're making us look bad!

Remember to tell people about mattinthemiddle.blogspot.com today. I don't want to collect the most business cards ever collected just to have the most people reading my blog. Hey, when Alicia Keys hires her Head Blogger is she gonna have a Head Blogger's Ball? Oh, that awesomely hilarious joke reminds me...why did the cookie go to the doctor?...(wait for it)....(wait for it)...because he felt crummy (crumby)... Have a great Friday and Happy Festivus! (you just said "rest of us" didn't you?)

**blog photo screen-copied from scienceblog.com, today show logo dvr'd from alwaysupward.com, festivus photo stolen until it hurt from zazzle.com and john mccain photo immigrated from scrapetv.com**

Aunie Em It's a Twister It's a Twister

The paradox is I love to listen to the rain and thunder while I am in bed but if I am asleep do I really hear it? So, up again, up again jiggedy jig. I guess if I am asleep I miss the lightning which I love too. I am like Helen Hunt in Twister. Jill's dad and I would sit out on their back deck when storms were coming in and watch. It drove her mom crazy because at the first sign of thunder or lightning she'd want the whole family down in the basement. I really miss him; he was a great father-in-law. He went way before his time. I wish my kids had gotten to know him better. Three of the best men I have ever known have come from Jill's family: Her grandpa Loren, her dad Jerry and her brother Tom. Loren and Jerry are both gone but, thankfully, Tom is still here. My dad is also one of the best men I've ever known and I am grateful he is still here too. He comes to almost all of the kids' events (baseball last night) even though he is still in Boulder Hill (Montgomery, IL). It's at least a half hour each way. I hope I have learned a little something from all of these great men which have helped me become the person I am. (side note - we won our game 7-6 in extra innings just before the rain started)

Maybe today I can invent a way to hang the clothes out to wash rather than to dry? If it rains and then stops and gets windy I could do the entire wash and dry cycles on the line. I've typed it before but, a boy can dream. I want to get one of those umbrellas hats like Ray Rayner used to wear. Ray Rayner was the host of a children's morning show in Chicagoland back when my Middle was not Middle yet.

What the heck is going on in Arizona? Are they gonna secede from the Union or are they trying to get evicted? Now they have just passed a law that doesn't allow the teaching of ethnic studies in schools. As a person of color (we're all mutts really) I think it's high time someone did something about the racist ethnic practice of St. Patrick's Day! Aren't we all ethnic? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary ethnic means "of or relating to large groups of people classed according to common racial, national, tribal, religious, linguistic, or cultural origin or background." That sounds like pretty much all of us so I guess no classes for you Arizona. Maybe they're trying to get rid of education all together so the children of Arizona can be dumb enough to grow up to be state legislators. I heard that The Chicago White Sox are even considering not holding their Spring Training in Arizona any more. The federal government needs to step in and give Arizona a dressing down. Mother country one of your children is acting up and needs a good b-slap! Bottom line is we are all probably descended from African tribes so we are all the same people. Say it Rodney King..."Can't we all get along?" We're gonna miss you Grand Canyon!

They say that all things go full circle but it seems like America is more of a pendulum and it appears we are swinging the other way.

Yesterday morning Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990-1996) was on. It was the final episode. I saw it in passing and set the DVR and watched it later while I took my lunch break. I think I had probably stopped watching the show by the time the final episode aired because my daughter was already almost 5 and my son was almost here/born (weird). Anyway, in the last two episodes the Banks family was selling their home and do you know who bought the house? George and Weezie Jefferson (The Jeffersons). Talk about "movin' on up." Mr. Drummond and Arnold (Diff'rent Strokes) also looked at the house but decided against it. Arnold even said, "whatchu talkin' 'bout Will?" I think that young Will Smith kid might do something big...just a hunch.

Alicia Keys is down to her final 53 candidates for her Head Blogger. I didn't even make the top 53. I can't believe a Middle-aged white guy in the Middle of the country can't be the Head Blogger for an international recording star. What is she from Arizona? Head Blogger for hire - available immediately - doesn't really know anything but he sure does ramble on...

Wow, it's really pouring right now - heavy rinse cycle if I had gotten the clothes out on the line. I think Sugar Momma's dad and grandpa are letting me know they are reading my blog and I am in their top 53...take that Alicia Keys! I have always been a person that thinks everything is a sign but, ironically, I ignore most of them, hmmmm.

Have a great day and take an umbrella hat with you if you live in America today. I'll talk to you Friday. And, I haven't said it in a while, so...thank you for reading my blog, it really means a lot to me. Even if Alicia Keys doesn't appreciate me I know you do :)

**twister photo spun from feelingretro.com, ray rayner photo crafted from dannymiller.typepad.com, grand canyon photo seceded from canadiangeographic.ca, and fresh prince photo "moved" from agpzoeworld.com**

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's 699!

Fortunately, I didn't take the Benadryl yesterday because I had to have my wits about me it turned out. Luckily working out released enough endorphins so I wasn't so whiny. I spent most of the day learning about 401K's and IRAs. The biggest thing I learned was that Merrill Lynch doesn't know what the heck is going on as I talked to three different people and I got three entirely different answers. I can see why our country is in economic peril if this is typical of the financial institutions in the U.S.. I am guessing I won't be able to add a Merrill Lynch patch to my sponsorship racing suit or a sticker to my blogging car. Maybe we should go back to wampum.

Since no one chimed in on the Clue game incident I am assuming that what I did was completely ethical and the game stands as played. Me blogging about the incident did cause the feud over the issue to rekindle between Sugar Momma and I even though it happened probably over twenty years ago.

Looks like people are moving in across the street today. You missed out - you could have lived in a cul-de-sac right across the street from me; I bet you're kicking yourself right about now. Not to worry...the house right behind us (the backyard backs up to ours) is for sale. Hey, wait a minute, why are all the people around us moving? I only streak once in a while, we have very few gang fights, hardly no nuclear accidents, barely any toxic chemical spills and when there are spills we always have the EPA out immediately...we are the dream neighbors, really.


Shouldn't sweater-vests be called swests or veaters? We are Americans we don't have time to keep saying "sweater-vest." Maybe a sweater-blazer should be called a swazer (are there sweater-blazers?).

When I was at Ironman 2 last week I discovered that people have forgotten how to whisper. There were at least four sets of people that were talking occasionally through the movie. This is a very serious affliction and should be taken very seriously. I am a great whisperer and can give lessons if you're looking for a great birthday or holiday gift. It comes from all my years of being sneaky and underhanded. It's won me many a game of Clue! Where in the heck does the term underhanded come from anyway? That reminds me...Ironman loves wind farms - he actually says in the movie "I love wind farms." Maybe he and I can be roommates or neighbors when I get my wind turbine house. Unless you buy the house behind us then I'm not leaving here but be prepared for my house to transform into a wind turbine over the years. Caveat emptor neighbor. Maybe if you become my neighbor when you move in I will change into my sneakers and swazer and come over with King Friday and we can party like it's 699?

Senior skip day was Monday and I guess like 40% of the seniors at my daughter's school were sick (wow, what a coincidence). On Wednesdays they start classes an hour later even though the buses run at the same time. I don't know what they are trying to accomplish. My daughter drives to school (not a bus) so she normally gets the extra hour of sleep. Anyway, my daughter, who was sick Monday, missed a test and had to go in at the regular time today to make up the test. Why do teachers give tests on senior skip days? Are they control freaks or just want to show who is in charge? It actually just makes their lives harder I would think. (I didn't even know Senior Skip Day was a movie until I searched for graphics...missed my chance like Halloween and Date Night).

There go the sausages! Only two sausages are racing today. The third is getting a ride in the giant baseball hat car (though it looks like a minivan from my press box).

Tonight we have a rematch against the Sycamore Cardinals; this time on their turf. If you love the color red and you're near Sycamore come on out. I guarantee a Cardinal's victory(unless it rains). We are both Cardinals! Have a Humpy Wednesday (that's what she said). "Y'all come back now, hear? This has been a Filmways presentation dahling."

**it's a wonderful life photo from eeweems.com, mr. rogers photo from aimbio.com, swest photo from torontothumbs.com and senior skip day photo from makli.com**