Rumors of twins MITM and Jon Bon Jovi's deaths are greatly exaggerated.

This album would have sold good today if they just had waited!

I awoke very early this morning to hear reports that Jon Bon Jovi was found dead. Before I go any further and you run out and buy all of that Bon Jovi memorabilia let me tell you know that the reports turned out to be false. It turns out that the report copied, very closely, the 2009 Los Angeles Times story from the day Michael Jackson was found dead. What purpose does something like this serve? Trying to manipulate the media? I suppose it's no different than starting a computer virus though it is probably less destructive. (I think I may change my podcast name to Les Destructive) Who would be stupid enough to write or report on something so stupid? Maybe I should falsely report my own death so the podcast and the blog would go viral. Wait, if I report on it myself I suppose that may tip people to the fact that I am still alive right? Start that rumor for me will you? But now if I really die people will think it's a hoax. This hoax / fake death business is very tricky. If it was Bon Jovi's people or iTunes who started this rumor they should have done it during the day so people would have downloaded songs (Wanted: Dead or Alive would have sold very well today) and ran out and bout U-571 (a good movie I might add - Bon Jovi and McConaughey...it must be a chick flick). Now most people won't even hear about it unless some boob blogs about it. Maybe somebody just spelled Kim Jong Il wrong; they both are pretty uncommon names. Jon - Jong? Jong Il - Bon Jovi? Somebody probably just misheard something. I bet somebody was already counting their celebrity death-pool winnings for 2011 (people who have a 49-year-old Bon Jovi on their lists would be my first suspects in the fake death report).

 
It's funny how one faked news story/celebrity death can decide the fate of a moron's Tuesday blog isn't it? I think Christmas marketing is behind this one way or another because after just listening to that song while I added the link I am contemplating downloading that song from iTunes but I am fighting the urge so as not to be one of those lambs.

That reminds me that next week we will have to start enduring all of those stupid lists: "celebrities we lost in 2011," "top 10 news stories of 2011,"... Now that we have the internet in pretty much every home and on most mobile devises do we really need somebody else compiling these lists for us? It is only going to be a coincidence that in the next few weeks Dirty Laundry Podcast is going to have our Top 10 Podcast Moments of 2011 (I just thought of that while complaining about the top ten lists we are going to endure - I am now part of the problem by trying to spoof/lampoon the problems).

On family vacations I have often been one of those dad's that won't stop as quickly as other members of the Donner Party (that reference will make more sense, sort of, in a moment) have to go to the restroom/bathroom/lavatory/toilet... I read a story this morning about a man who makes my trying to make good driving-time seem amateurish. This guys will definitely be inducted into The Making Good Driving Time Hall of Fame. The 71-year-old Canadian man drove 225 miles after his wife died in the car while they were vacationing in Oregon. The man said his 75-year-old wife began "suffering a medical condition" and they began heading home. She died in the car on the way. He made it to Washington before using his Onstar to call for help. Authorities said no foul-play is suspected. The general feeling is that he just didn't know how to handle the situation so just decided to head toward home. My thought is he probably got to 20 miles before the Canadian border and wondered how he was going to explain it at the border; nobody wants an international incident. If I was Canadian and my wife were sick I would head for the land of nationalized medicine too rather than have to deal with thousands and thousand of dollars of bills here in "the land of milking the homeys" (patent/trademark/copyright). Her body was shipped home to Canada.
Have a great day. Sorry about all of the Tuesday talk of death. When the news delivers death I just stir the Kool-aid (not grape though). Thank you, as always, for spending time here. The podcast should be up sometime this afternoon and I will let you know when it's ready. If you become a "follower" on Pod-o-matic or subscribe on iTunes you will be among the first to know though. TTTT...MITM (still thinking about downloading some Bon Jovi - I am such a sucker for these scams). TA!

Horrible Korean 3-D NFL Bosses

Hey it's my Saturday!!!! Sorry that it's your Monday.

One of the world's word dictators is dead. North Korea's Kim Jong Il. He was probably just misunderstood and ronery (warning - there's a naughty word or two in that clip). I feel bad not feeling bad about someone's death but I think the world is a better pace without this maniac. I am just worried what/who might take his place. it sounds like he died of a heart problem and I didn't even know he had one. In honor of his death I am doing laundry and will go Christmas shopping with Fabio when he gets done with school and basketball practice.

After the shopping Cha Cha and I will record the newest load of Dirty Laundry Podcast. Next week's show is still kinda up in the air. Cha Cha is leaving to go down and see Splenda for Christmas on Friday and now it looks like Fabio is going with her. I have been in discussions with the best co-host of all time and we may recreate our old radio show The Low & Tinny Show but I may or may not be going down south for a day or two also (TWSS). I have to make a decision very soon so "Low" knows what's going on. This just a really mixed-up Christmas for us. Either way we will have "Low" on withing the next two weeks.

Are movie remade into 3-D really that big of a deal? I went downstairs and was heading for work one day over the weekend and Cha Cha was working and watching Disney's Beauty and the Beast and one of their commercials was about the exact same movie that she was watching coming to a theater soon in 3-D. The people watching the movie, most likely, like the film but they are watching it right now. Do you usually watch movies and think to yourself, "self, I sure wish this movie was coming to a theater near me soon in 3-D so I could see what a teacup looks like in 3-D?"Go look in your cupboard and save some money. It's a great movie but it's probably just about the same in 2-D.

I'd work for this Horrible Boss for free

I saw the movie Horrible Bosses last night. What a funny movie with a lot of pretty big stars. I plan on talking about it on the podcast this week because I had Cha Cha watch it too. I just have to say that it made me really thankful that I no longer work where I used to work because a couple of people that owned the company I used to work for were pretty much like the Colin Ferrell and Kevin Spacey characters in the film. Man, I don't miss that place and those jackasses (not to be confused with Shrek and donkey in 3-D). I probably would miss it if Jennifer Aniston's character were one of my former bosses. (I'll probably use that photo to promote today's blog because that's the kinda photo that garners readers.

Yesterday was Sunday and, of course, this time of year that means NFL football. I don't know why I never thought of it before but something came to my feeble little peanut mind while watching a little bit of football. Why do NFL teams list who is injured and who won't play each week? Why do they have to tell their opponents who is not going to be on the field? Wouldn't every week be like opening Christmas presents if you didn't know if this was the week that Peyton Manning was gonna be back...? I would say they do it for fantasy football but they have always done that even before there was fantasy football. I seriously do not know why they do that. If they're supposed to be so tough let's see how they would handle one week arriving to their game and trying to battle the other team comes pouring out of a Trojan horse. They're not so tough.

At what age do you think we stop thinking about what ages other people are? I have friends of many different ages but when we were younger we seldom hang around with kids who were older or younger than us. Maybe once your "grown-up" it doesn't much MATTer anymore?

I have to start another load of dirty laundry...the last one is ready to move to the next phase. Have a great day today and know that I appreciate you stopping by here. I know there are plenty of things you could be reading or doing and you chose to be here for a bit and I really am thankful for that. TTTT...MITM (out)

Let me blog 'em, let me blog'em!

The Illinois state flag!

Happy Friday to you! For me it's my Wednesday so I am not nearly as excited as you probably are. I do like humpday though! But this week It's okay because while you are suffering through your Monday it will be my Saturday!

Remember yesterday how I was bragging how I am now a Morton's The Steakhouse executive card holder? Last night on the news I heard where Chicago Bears' wider receiver Sam Hurd was arrested outside of the Rosemont, Illinois Morton's The Steakhouse yesterday. Apparently he has been trying to set up a drug-dealing network in Chicago. I have no idea why they had to mention Morton's The Steakhouse in the story or why it is even relevant to the story but that is where they arrested him. Let it be known that my "home" Morton's The Steakhouse is the Naperville location and it says it right on my card and as far as I know we have no drug-lords kingpins at our location. I hope this doesn't besmirch the fine steakhouse that I am an executive card holder of. Hurd was also a former player of Northern Illinois University located in the town I live in. All of these connections between Hurd and myself (live in Illinois, have lived near NIU, have ties to Morton's The Steakhouse, are males...) are merely circumstantial and I have never, ever, ever seen a thousand pounds of marijuana in my life and definitely have never attempted to sell one hundred pounds a day to the fine people of Chicago. Why does a guy who makes $2,000,000 a year and hang out near a Morton's The Steakhouse need this kind of extra illegal income? We "have-nots" can never figure out what makes the "haves" tick.
Another Illinois "have-not" that was recently a "have," former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich who may have Sam Hurd as a cell-mate soon, is now trying to get his prison sentence reduced by saying he is dependent on a substance. Supposedly he cannot go to sleep at night without having a drink or a dozen. Firstly, big deal and secondively (that's for you Cha Cha) big deal. If I want to get a good night's sleep I have to take a couple of Benadryls. I am glad I documented it here so that if I ever get taken to the joint (not a drug reference) I can get my sentence reduced because of that Benadryl donkey on my back. Soon Blago might have to take a few enemas before bedtime in the "pokey."

Rob Lowe in makeup for Drew Peterson role

As long as I am on a roll of Illinois crooks - have you seen the clip of the upcoming Drew Peterson film? Rob Lowe cannot even get ugly enough with make-up to look like Drew Peterson. I will not watch this movie though I do like Rob Lowe.

I can barely keep my eyes open so I think I will get some shut-eye even though in Illinois we always sleep with one eye open. Thank you for being interested enough to see what I had to ramble about today. The moral of today's blog seems to be that if you're a crook you are always welcome in Illinois - home of the formerly free! TTT maybe T...MITM (out cold, sawing logs, coppin' some z's...). TA!

This is My VIP Blog!!!!

I cannot believe how quickly after becoming a non-vegetarian again I was crowned as a Morton's The Steakhouse VIP. I received my "executive card and private directory" yesterday. Is anybody else hungry for steak right now? I am pretty sure I will call Morton's The Steakhouse at the super secret private telephone number they gave me within the next week or so since I will be jonesin' until I do. The last time I was there I was a peskatarian so I have some ground to make up - and I'm not talking about ground round or ground beef either. Mmmmmm steak! When I go I am going to make sure that one of my favorite people in the whole wide world (besides you unless it IS you I am blogging about) is gonna be there! Thank you to my buddy Randy over at I'm A Frayed Knott for steering me (pun intended) back to the joy of steaks!

A fellow member of the Morton's The Steakhouse VIP club, Scottie Pippin, is suing "several" people for saying that he is broke. I guess if he were broke this would be a great way to make money though if he sued them and was actually broke he would lose the suits. Even if he has ten bucks he wouldn't be broke though right? Scottie says that he has not been worth less than $40,000,000 (40 million dollars) for the past ten years. I am not really sure why it aggravates him so much that he needs to sue but I guess now that i know he's worth so much I won't pick up the next check when I dine with him at Morton's The Steakhouse (did I mention that I am a VIP?).

I liked ATM's when old people were afraid of technology and wouldn't use them. Sit behind an old person at a drive-up ATM and you may as well have packed a lunch. What in the Hell takes so long? Gotta get their card out of their purse/wallet. Gotta put on their glasses. Gotta try to figure out how the darn contraption works. Gotta open their car door for some reason even though their window is already down. Take forever to try to remember which grandchild's birth date they used for their PIN (I don't say "PIN number" because the N = number). Are they the ones using the braille numbers on the ATM drive-ups? Then try to remember how much they need. Then they get their money and have to count it and then decide if they want a receipt. Then they have to put their receipt and card in their wallet/purse and then put their driving gloves back on and then put the car into gear and then still sit there to adjust their mirror which shouldn't have gotten unadjusted.... I think I am going to start carrying more cash and staying away from ATM's now that I am a VIP and Morton's The Steakhouse.

She can't even drive on the correct side of the car!

Hey the war in Iraq is over! That is awesome. I don't know what more can be said - AWESOME!!! I'm sure it Barack Obama's fault!

Looking for a guest co-host on the Dirty Laundry Podcast in two weeks - Regis will be outta town. Listen to the most recent show for details on how to enter and maybe this could be your big break into obscurity!

I am kinda off my game today. I am pretty tired from work last night and I have to bake more cookies. I have already made the peanut butter cookies and the rum balls and now I have to do my famous Mt. Crumpet Coconut Macaroon Volcanoes. They're a pain in the ass but they are pretty cool and delicious and Cha Cha thinks they are the coolest so I will make them for her but I have to do it right now or I will fall asleep. Last night I didn't have much chance to jot down my thoughts so this isn't a very spectacular VIP blog. Tonight I should be able to get together some better material for tomorrow's blog - in the meantime listen to the Dirty Laundry Podcast. I have listened to it five times already because I think Jeff the elf is my new idol and Cha Cha's song/singing is worth the price of admission (free).

Have a great Thursday and thanks for stopping by. I will blog you again tomorrow with a little more enthusiasm. TTTT...MITM (swaggering out like a VIP at the ATM) TA!

On the second day of Christmas MITM gave to me a blog and a poooodcast

Can you just imagine the clean up of The Twelve Days?

Rainy days and Wednesdays always get me happy it's not cold today because then all of this rain would be a blizzard. That only holds true in winter because I really don't think about the possibility of snow most of the rest of the year. If that happened I think I would have to worry about much more.

It is 13 days until Christmas. Does that mean this is the second day of Christmas? I was never really sure exactly what The Twelve Days of Christmas were. I know with the internet I could probably find out exactly what they are with a couple clicks of the creature that's not supposed to be stirring but that takes the miracle and surprise away from me. I know the United States Postal Service is having problems but I haven't received my partridge in a pear tree yet so if I receive two turtle doves today I am going to be totally lost. The price for all twelve days of Christmas items now will cost your over $100,000 according to my research (Google) even though I still didn't take the time to find out exactly what the twelve days of Christmas are - that's the joy and surprise of Christmas.

The Dirty Laundry Podcast is up for your listening indifference. Cha Cha and I Skyped last night with an elf from The North Pole. I learned a lot of things I didn't know. We played some great holiday music including my favorite Christmas song of all time and an original song by our guest from last week Kasey Campbell. It looks like I am needing a guest co-host for the show in two weeks because Cha Cha will be out of town (I always felt she was an undercover elf) and "the show must go on!" No experience is necessary but if you're interested let me know and I will throw your name into the Dirty Laundry dryer, turn it on and when it stops we'll reach in and grab one of the incredibly hot pieces of paper and when it cools down this might just be your big medium unfortunate unlucky break into PODemonium (copyright/patent/trademark). No experience is necessary and you really don't even need to talk if you don't want to but it would probably be more entertaining if you did. I have some ideas of who could do it and I may make some phone calls (that's code for The Facebook) as the day draws near if nobody steps forward. Void where prohibited by law and whatever the other things that they always say to cover their butts are. Remember this is how Jay Leno got The Tonight Show (which I will never and have never watch(ed) as long as Jay Leno is/has been host - no MATTer who the guest is). Well, maybe if you were on there I would watch it but THAT'S IT!

I love Duct Tape

Who wants to watch a reality show about a champion snowmobile racer? The answer is - NOBODY! Sarah Palin is trying to get her supposed "championship snowmobile racer" husband a reality show but nobody is willing to pick it up. The Palins have finally jumped the shark. Way to stop hitting the snooze alarm and putting your feet on the floor main-stream media.

Why do you suppose Donald Trump decided to drop his idea of hosting the GOP debate? Because nobody was interested? Because he was reminded of the laughing stock he really is? Because he is going to announce his own candidacy, again, for the position of POTUS (that's how us cool kids who watched The West Wing say President of the United States)? Was it always just a publicity stunt for free press because he has another The Apprentice show coming this winter (I don't know if he does but I bet he does)? The reason he gave was that it would be a possible conflict of interest if he should decide to run for POTUS.

I gotta get scootin' - so little to do and so much time (strike that - reverse it). Have a great day and thanks a lot for stopping by here and for listening to The Podcast! I can always count on you. There will be a quiz later as to what my favorite Christmas song is so step lively! TTTT...MITM (out to make this murld a merrier pace - ip i tan). TA!

Deck the Blogs with Bars of Horry!

A musical says what?

Tuesday confuseday! That's right...I am confused yet again. Surprised?  Remember that I told you a couple of weeks ago that they are making the Rocky musical for Broadway? Now Mike Myers is in talks to make Austin Powers into a Broadway musical. Oh behave! What is this trend all about? Unlike Rocky, however, there was quite a bit of music in the Austin Powers movies. I can only remember one song from Rocky - "da da datta da datta da datta da... gonna fly now, flyin' high now...."

Am I the only one who hates the way the internet does some news stories now? (the fake links in the next couple of sentences are not really links but rather just demonstrating the way the stories are written to frustrate us - at least me) They will start off a story (how) and then they will talk about someone else (find out who) who might write stories this way. And if you are crazy enough to keep reading their story (learn about what) with all of their links (where) you will see that it appears to be a new ploy by a newer search engine (which one) to try to redirect us to a not-so-major search engine (for what reason). In summation  - it seems to me like an attempt by Bing (which I find extremely inferior to Google) to try to steer us toward their advertisers and their site because when I clicked these types of links for research for this thought they all went to a Bing story/site. I guess the old fashioned way of just writing a story with all of the facts in it was too time-consuming and took away form their "hit" count so they could tell their advertisers that they get X-amount of hits per day and sell more ads... so they could dumb down the world even more. I am making some broad assumptions (find out what they are) but I know I am right (see why).

Remember last week I was thinking about going to Hollywood Palms theater to see the five actors who played the five kids in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? (incidentally, they were on WGN News after I wrote about them as I predicted) Now they are having one of the actors from It's a Wonderful Life (see who- just kidding). It probably isn't that tough of a guess who it is since the movie was released in 1946. Is it Lionel Barrymore? dead. Donna Reed? dead. James Stewart? dead. Carl "Alfalfa" Switzer? dead. It's Karolyn Grimes of course (that's a real link to her IMDB page). Even though I wouldn't go to see her I would say that she did have one of the most famous lines from the movie if not one of the most remembered lines in all of motion picture history (at least in the top 1000). In case you didn't figure out who she is yet she played "Zu Zu" Bailey. The line wasn't "not a smidge of temperature" either. It was THIS (actually a link - LOL). Great film but I am sure she doesn't remember anything about filming it - do you remember anything from when you were six-years-old? Really? Not just what people told you but things that you actually remember? You're welcome again WGN News - I bet she's on there later this week.

The actual A Christmas Story house - Cleveland

I seem a bit cynical today - maybe it's because I am planning to make Christmas cookies today? "Look daddy, every time an Agitator/Matt In The Middle makes cookies a moron gets cynical."

Christmas this year is really tough in the Helser-household. Splenda cannot come home because of work and we cannot all go to see her because Fabio has basketball and I have to work just about every day including: Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years... I guess we have "jumped the shark" as far as holidays. I don't know why we feel the pressure to have to be together on these specific days and we will just do the holiday things on different days but it's just weird. So, depending on what happens, Cha Cha may go down and see Splenda and Fabio may or may not go with her depending on whether he has to go to a two-day tournament because they can only take an X-number of players but my guess is he will be chosen since he is playing very well right now (he beat me in the driveway last night before his game 30-20). So I may be alone eating Chinese at Chop Suey Palace Co. (tomorrow, if I remember, I will put a photo on the blog of where Ralphie actually shot his eye out)

Have a great day. Thank you for stopping by today and I will still let you know when the podcast is up (TWSS). Enjoy the weather for the next couple of days in the MIDDLEwest because after this week I feel the worm will turn. TTTT...MITM (fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra'ing out )!

How about a Monday morning Big O?

It just doesn't look right

Even though most of you are asleep while I am writing this it is Monday. You are probably in the best part of Monday that there is; the part where it's a little chilly but you're under your nice warm covers and you are dreaming about how cool it would be to be Matt In The Middle and you don't even have to get up for like three or four hours. Okay, maybe the dreaming you are Matt In The Middle might be a nightmare but they say that dreams only last a couple of seconds even though they seem longer so now you have moved on to a really nice dream instead.

I have been in mourning for about four days now. It didn't turn out as bad as it could have but Albert Pujols is no longer a St. Louis Cardinal. Maybe the Cardinals knew this was going to happen when they acquired Lance Berkman? I would have been much more upset if he has become a Brewer or a Cub because then he would be in the same division...this way he is in a totally different league (which he always has been anyway). It's kinda funny that he is now a California Los Angeles Anaheim Los Angeles Angel.  Quite honestly I wasn't sure which one they were until I Googled it and found that is L.A. Angels; they have changed their name more times than Zsa Zsa Gabor and Liz Taylor combines. Pujols got a 10-year contract which is good since he is getting older and he went to the American League where he can be a designated hitter if his age starts getting to him a bit down the line. He's a very religious guy so it sorta makes sense that he's an Angel. I wish him well and am proud that so far, from what I hear, the St. Louis fans aren't acting like Cleveland's when LeBron James left town. I think that was partly LeBron's fault too and I don't see Albert behaving the way LeBron did.

This may be an easy one but here is a winter trivia question now that it's that time of year. Statistically, does more snow fall during the day or at night? (not a trick question and not a joke question...the answer will be at the end of today's blog)

Normally I would tell you that the new Dirty Laundry Podcast will be up later today but we haven't even recorded it yet. We have a scheduled SKYPE interview with one of Santa's elves for tonight. He couldn't do it last night because even this time of year Santa gives them Sunday's off...what a great jolly old boss he must be. He is in the P.R. / Elf Relations Department. I am really looking forward to talking with him. If you have any questions we could ask him...let me know sometime today either here or at www.dirtylaundrypodcast.com, or on our Dirty Laundry Podcast The Facebook page or at www.dirtylaundrybag@gmail.com. From speaking with him shortly (no pun intended) he sounds like he's open for any questions.

My kinda Standing O

Cha Cha and I went to my work holiday open house / awards ceremony last week and you know me and having to entertain my mind all the time. When people were receiving awards every now and then there'd be a standing ovation. I am all for this but it is very curious to me. If one person stands up while clapping everybody else HAS TO stand up and clap because if you don't you look like a total jerk. I think the next time I go to an awards ceremony I am either gonna get a fake leg cast or a wheel chair because I don't need all the extra excercise though it does make for good blogging. Not only that but not everyone got a Standing O which actually may be my problem with it. If your not going to give everyone a Big O you shouldn't give anybody a big O. I say big O's for everyone now that I think of it! Imagine how you'd feel if everyone else was satisfied by receiving the Big O and you were left unfulfilled without that happy of an ending while receiving your award.

I should have mentioned this when I was talking about Pujols since it is sorta baseball-related. They are making a movie about Jackie Robinson. I know there was the original The Jackie Robinson Story in 1950 but this one is gonna have Harrison Ford in it. I am guessing the first one was historically accurate since the person who played Jackie Robinson was Jackie Robinson but it still didn't have Harrison Ford in it! I think Harrison Ford is probably a jackass but his movies are usually pretty good. He will probably be a good Branch Rickey though I don't think Rickey was a jackass.

Okay that does it for me for today. Remember to get your questions in for Jeff the elf if there's something you always wanted to know about life as an indentured servant...that will be my first question (how's the pay?). The answer to the trivia question is - there is statistically more snow at night then during the day since in the winter there are more hours of night than day. So this winter when you wake up every morning and have to clear the driveway remember that you have daylight savings time to blame this on - CURSE YOU BEN FRANKLIN!!!!!! Have a great Monday and if you're bored - really, really bored Fabio's team plays Kaneland tonight here in town and I will be there signing autograph (not plural). Thank you for stopping in and keeping me company....TTTT...MITM (I get to talk to an elf tonight :) TA!